I didn't do much. Hardly anything, and the hours are flying. Haven't watched any tv, just walking around the house doing random things.
Had a bath just before noon, where I got an unexpected message.
REALLY?
It's been four days since that terrible date we've had, and she's messaging me again.
I wasn't planning on being rude, I honestly assumed she wasn't interested because that's been par for the course lately. Thought it was mutual.
Nope. Looks like I was wrong. And like I said, I didn't plan on being rude, so I humored her with conversation that is still ongoing. Invited her for dinner at my place tomorrow too. Why? Because I'm an idiot, obviously.
She isn't able to come, turns out she's sick and so is her one-year old son, Marshal.
Well, whatever.
Leaving the house to buy cigarettes and coffee, my neighbor Mike came up while I was pulling out from the driveway.
"Hey, you're invited to my birthday party next Saturday!"
"What? Birthday party?" I looked at him, and he was completely serious.
"How old are you turning?"
"Never mind!" he says. And I respond with, "42?" and he was happy for me to have said that.
Not sure if I can go, since I may be working next Saturday, on night shift, so we'll see.
But, let's talk about Mike for a bit here.
I've lived in this same duplex since 2009, and Mike has been here a bit longer than me.
In all those years, from 2009 up until 2016, I never talked with Mike. Said hi a few times to him and whoever else was living there, but because I didn't always get a hi or hello in return, I gave up being friendly with those people.
They're renters. Mike lives with his wife and two sons, and some other guy or two. He has this car, this Honda Prelude that is souped up and loud as fuck. So loud, that I *always* wake up at around 11pm each day when he comes home from work and starts backing his car up the driveway.
Vrrmmmm. VRMMMM. VRMMMM. VRRRRM. Those little slow steps on the gas pedal drove me nuts.
For over 7 years now. But I couldn't do anything about it. What am I going to tell him? Get rid of your car? Not going to happen.
Then because of the amount of people that are squashed inside the half-duplex he lives in, they take up all the available parking spots around my driveway and often make it troublesome for me to back up without scraping a vehicle on either side of my own.
I really didn't like these people because of that.
Then, they started driving up the "shared" lawn and parking in the backyard. So now I get to look at an ugly ass parked car (or two) while I'm sitting on my patio. Oh, and tire tracks across part of my lawn.
Then the mess they leave around the yard. Such an eyesore. But they don't care, they're renters. Why would they give a shit?
So.. Interestingly, and this is part of the "changes" I said I would write about last month (but would take far too long to discuss all of them in detail), interestingly.. Mike started chatting with me, about two months ago.
Shortly after Gina broke up with me.
Like I have already said numerous times, her breaking up with me, was a catalyst. It inspired a transformation in me, and it accomplished in less than two months, what seven years couldn't.
Get me on friendly, talkative terms with my neighbor.
It's a bit of a saga filled with mundane events in how I came to start talking with him, but I didn't go out of my way to do it. He'd see me painting my front porch, and offer me a compliment. He'll see me cutting the grass, and I'll give him a nod and a shrug, a bit of an inside joke since we both know that Mike isn't going to be cutting his overgrown lawn anytime soon.
One day as I sat on the front porch having a smoke, I caught him actually cleaning the yard around his place.
Proof is in the pudding.
Incredible. All those years, and that ugly yard was finally getting cleaned. I had to take note of it.
Not only that, but a few weeks ago, Mike told me that he is moving into a duplex a few blocks away, sometime in October.
OMG, I thought inside my head. NO MORE LOUD CARS BACKING UP AT 11PM EACH NIGHT!
I was ecstatic, but kept my poker face on while he was telling me. Except I think I failed a bit, since I remember a big smile on my face at the end of that particular conversation.
Then again, I usually have a big smile on my face with people I like.
And I like Mike. He told me there was going to be karaoke.
"What? It's going to be that kind of party?" I said, with teasing sarcasm.
"Yes, we will have dancing girls!" He replies in a somewhat thick accent. He's Filipino, by the way. Been living here since 2007, and only just got his wife and youngest son here a year or two ago.
"I'll be there.." I smiled at his dancing girls comment. "I'll be there for sure!"
But, I don't think I can. Again, we'll see.
So, yeah. This is one change of many. My relationships with people have improved tremendously. I'm no longer this emotionally withdrawn, overly negative insecure person I once was. I'm confident in who I am. I'm happy with the relationships I have with people like Mike. Justin. My mom. Random gas station cashiers.
Myself. I'm happy with the relationship I have with myself.
I can't believe I'm invited to a Filipino birthday party.
Look at how Mike and his clan taunts me every now and then.
Three red cars, including his Honda Prelude. Right there next to my house.
If there is a God, and he's watching all this, I'm sure he's gotten more than a few good laughs out of me.
Now, back to HopeFulInEdmonton, aka Misty.
What a joke.
All I did was mm hmm, and oh yeah her during our date.
And she still wants to talk to me.
The kisses weren't that great, but I did like the hug.
What the hell is she seeing in me?
Probably money. Or stability. Wise, older guy, semi-decent looking. Has his own car and home.
That's probably it.
I don't fucking know.
I'll be honest. I still feel bad for her. And I'll be doubly honest, and admit that I would probably sleep with her if the opportunity came up.
Yep. I love women. Even the crazy ones.
My phone just went off with an alert saying that it's 7pm and time for me to be at the Dolly Parton concert. Thanks Ticketmaster. I sold those tickets a long while ago, you know.
I wonder what Gina is up to. She could be going with me right now. Checking out the new arena. Enjoying Dolly.
Except she turned that offer down.
Doesn't want anything to do with me.
And so, I'm laying in bed, under these warm new covers I bought, listening to the prototype of this mixed cd I'm in the process of making. To help heal/sustain my soul, as I start to come to terms with the idea of never contacting Gina again. Or ever seeing her.
I know I said there's still a chance, however small, but a chance nonetheless.
And, I.. find it matters less and less that there is that chance. Well.. maybe it still matters, but I'm not.. I can't pin my hopes on it. That's all I'm saying.
I can't erase what is left of my dignity, by contacting her again. Scarecrows or otherwise.
I'd have loved to put on a mask and go trick and treating to her house on Halloween. Just so I can see her again.
Creepy, right? Tough. I really would like to see her, and I did buy myself a new mask from The Party Place last week that I thought looked awesome. I even have a choice between that mask, or the horse head one I already have.
May as well use it, I thought. But I doubt I'm going to do it like this. As if my height wouldn't give me away. Or the way I'd walk, or stand there are the door in shock as I'm inches away from touching the woman I love.
Creepy, but.. Eh. It's not really creepy, if the other person doesn't know about it. Not the most rational observation to be making, but I'll hang onto it.
I love the idea of paying little kids in the area five bucks to say, "thank you baby doll!" after getting candy from her. Because she will know it was me, that had them do it.
*sighs*
Again, I'm a schmuck.
Can't go through with any of those ideas. No matter how much I'd want to.
Then again, it's still over a month away. I might feel very different by that time.
Two new reminders of Gina, today.
Star Wars coffee cup she got me.
And,
God..
Yeah.. I miss her.
Miss my girl.
Though she isn't my girl.
And likely doesn't miss me at all.
So..
What the fuck, man.
It's a problem.
But I'm dealing with it.
In the only way I can.
