Another busy day. Got lots done.
Think I'll go off the beaten path a bit, and wax spiritual for a moment.
I'm finding myself more and more believing, that there is a benevolent force in my life. In all our lives. A force that wants us to be happy, if only we would let it.
Call it God, Allah, the Holy Spirit, Christ, the Tao, angels, ghosts, your higher self, whatever label you want to attach; I'm growing convinced that there is something out there that is helping, and wants to help.
This theory is completely in a speculative stage at the moment, with little in the way of strong compelling evidence. Right now, its somewhere on the fringe between skepticism and belief, but more towards the belief side. A subtle predisposition towards the believing end of things.
The reason I am bringing this up, has to do with coincidences. I've been experiencing a lot of small ones lately. Stuff that on their own, wouldn't seem impressive, but in small amounts over an extended period of time; well, then, that becomes something worth pondering on.
Or at least mentioning.
I'll describe two events. One of which happened today.
I was at United Furniture Warehouse, after being abandoned by my mom and stepdad who were looking for a new coffee table, but gave up after three stores. I didn't find them a good table, but I did see this awesome lamp there.
Checking the tag, it said 99 bucks.
Holy smokes, I thought, thats not a bad price.
I should probably take a picture of it so I can throw it up on the blog, but its this tall big antique looking vintage lamp that ended up looking good in my bedroom over the papason chair I've got. A perfect (and pretentious) reading lamp.
99 bucks was decent, but if I can get a deal, I will, so I brought the sales guy over and since they were advertising 30% off of lighting, I figured I'd see if he could knock it down another 30 bucks.
Nope, he says. It's already on sale.
"Oh, come on man." I half-heartedly moaned.
"Come on man, that's a good song. Been hearing a lot of that one lately." The guy replies.
Anyways, I tell him to ring it up. Whatever. A hundred bucks for something that looks like it normally sold for 250, is a good enough deal as it is.
So he inputs the item into the computer, and says there's another same one on the floor someplace. He gets up to go look, and comes back with the same lamp..
But.. It was 68 bucks.
Thirty percent off.
I was one happy broken-hearted hipster, when I found that out.
Then, coincidence #2.. I go into a McDonalds, order a coffee and two apple pies, pay for my order, and then pull up to the service window.
"Hey, sorry," the kid at the window says. "We're out of apple pies. Would you want a bagel or Danish instead?"
"Bagel?" I almost spat out. "Why didn't you tell me you were out of apple pies before I paid for it?"
The kid shrugged.
So, I then spend the next minute mulling over my choices. Was there an apple Danish? No. Nothing with apples. Curses. I settle on a carrot muffin instead. With a big frowny face.
The kid comes back with my muffin, and says they got apple pies.
"Where did you find them? On the floor?" I asked.
He laughs, and said they just started making them.
Sheesh. So, I got a free carrot muffin on top of the pies.
Another coincidence on that same day, involved me returning a ceiling fan, and walking out with a stupid cheap light fixture for my dining room. Exactly what I wanted and was looking for, but couldn't find because it wasn't on display or listed anyplace. It was 10% off, on top of a store-wide 10% (3 day sale) and the final cost? 89 bucks. Far less than the 180$ other one that I kinda sorta liked, but not really. I had to get a new fixture, since the old one was tilting weird and I took it down the day before.
So, back to a benevolent force being in the universe.
I think it's true. I think there is a force, or forces conspiring to help me. Whether its guiding me towards an item that I want at a low price; or it has me talking to a certain person at a certain time, and learning something that I had to learn at that exact moment. (Ie. the guy that installed my blinds on Friday, told me how to install the light fixture without electrocuting myself, among other bits of useful advice).
Well.. I don't know what this force is, but I realize how it operates at its maximum potential.
You simply let it do its thing.
You got to go with the flow. But, you kind of have to throw away your ego and trust a part of what I would call subtle intuition. Although that's not quite the right word to be using.
Basically, my life is out of my hands and I am on this path. Long as I stay on it, good things will happen to me.
Hard to believe, considering that I woke up this morning and within minutes starting having a couple tears go down my face.
Why? Because I was thinking about Gina waking up next to me, and me nibbling on her earlobes and neck.
She loved that.
And I loved that too, when the stripper who gave me a lapdance did it and reminded me of how good it feels.
(sighs)
It's not an easy.. thing to keep Carolyn out of my thoughts, but they.. she sticks with me throughout the day. I had.
Okay, listen to this. For the past few days, I have been beating back feelings of "hope" that we will get back together, with the mantra "I'll never see her again."
I'd repeat that whenever an urge to see/be with her comes up.
"I'll never see her again."
And, it kind of.. felt wrong, when I said that.
So, I tried something different today.
Thought of Gina's kids, and not being able to play with them.
Instead of, "I'll never see her again."
I went with, "Well, I might get to see her again."
But who knows when. If ever, right?
Still, changing the mantra from one of certainty to one of probable doubt; kind of helped me. I suppose its because I don't actually know if I'll ever see her again, maybe I will. Someday. Maybe not next month or next year, but I could possibly run into her again somewhere. Somehow. Sometime.
So, I do have to stay honest to my heart. I have to speak the truth. I can't lie, cheat or deceive myself into thinking something that is not true. Such as, "I'll never see her again."
I MIGHT see her again someday.
That is true.
Might.
It may not be likely, but its a factual statement.
And.. hope continues to smile inside of me.
I had..
(sighs)
I had a great conversation with this really pretty lady at the furniture store as I was buying bamboo sticks.
"Do you offer free delivery on those?" I pointed at the sticks.
The look on her face was priceless.
My sense of humor is all about timing and deadpan delivery, but I can only keep my poker face for so long before I start cracking up, which I did. And so did she.
"What sort of financing options do you have available? Do you do layaway?"
She laughed and smiled.. and gawd.. she was so pretty..
But the big ol' glittery ring on her finger kept me at bay.
Still, I enjoyed making her laugh, and thats when she said, "what are you? a stand up comedian?"
"No, but I could be one!"
And so it goes. I still make people laugh. I still make myself laugh. My relationships have improved dramatically from the breakup, and so many other little changes have made themselves known which I will soon blog about in more detail.
My mom is coming by tomorrow, to check out my place for the first time in months.
She is going to flip once she sees what I've done.
My two months stay-cation, is going to present the fruits of my labour.
My house looks amazing now.
It's honestly beautiful.
I'll be taking pictures, as well as describing how my mom will react.
Can't wait.
Good night blog.
...
Good night Georgina...
Still love you very much.
But this is how it has to be.
For now.
I might get to see you again someday.
I might.
I hope.
