Hung up The Kiss in my bedroom, and the metal smiling sun I got yesterday. Both look pretty good, although I now have a space in the area below The Kiss, that needs to be filled with something. Honestly, I think a white vanity set with a mirror (for chicks) would work in that spot, but I'm not a chick, nor do I have one living with me.
It sucks. I updated my profile over at Plenty of Fish, and it's more lean and interesting I think. The less said, the better it seems. Quality over quantity. I could write such a long, verbose profile, but nobody is going to read it. And if they do, they'd be taken aback by how wordy I am. If anything, being wordy could point to being insecure, which I am trying not to be, although I am, a little bit.
I suppose if I found a reliable source of happiness in my life, that didn't involve being in an intimate relationship with anyone, then I wouldn't feel insecure. I don't like how I messaged Amber my phone number yesterday, and haven't heard from her, despite my knowing that she read my email. Will I get to hear from her? Are we even going out tonight? I don't know. She didn't write back, but maybe I should float over an idea of where we could meet.
Who knows what I should be doing.
I have one week off before work officially starts, and with how much I've gotten done around here, there's really not a lot left to do. Which is okay, because I'm sensing that the less attention I focus on home decorating, the more I have of it for other things. Like reading, writing, or cooking something new.
More time to think about "her", as well, which kind of sucks in its own right. As I don't want to always be thinking of her. But, it can sometimes be a guilty pleasure to do so. To conjure up some of the nice memories I have of her, and imagine myself reliving them.
My best memory, by far, is from when I came over to Gina's place with my new Samsung Galaxy Edge 7 phone. I had gotten it a week earlier, and it came with a free VR headset.
When I brought it over and had Gina wear it... Her smile.. Man.. it crushed my heart. It..
It was beautiful. Just watching her with that headset on, looking around and smiling..
I remember thinking how lucky I was to have her as my girlfriend.
At the time.
There was a moment, when I thought maybe she was acting for my benefit. False enthusiasm. So, I told her I would step outside for a cigarette, and closed the patio door behind me. Outside, I peeked in and she still had that smile. That face all lit up with joy and wonder. A bit subdued, since she didn't think I was watching her, but it was still there.
I also remember thinking, that I did nothing to earn her. That despite all these years of my wanting to fall in love and be loved by someone; I didn't feel like I "won" when I met Gina. Meeting her felt not like someone I didn't deserve, but someone I haven't earned.
She was such a sweet .. she IS a sw.. well, I don't know if..
(sighs)
I wish I could see her again. I wish she could see me. I wish she could see my place and realize how much I've really changed. Both in myself, in my home and in the relationships I have with my family and friends.
I've changed. And I can't.. convince her that things will be different, because she doesn't want to see me again.
I can't force her to reconsider. I don't know how to. I can't convince her of anything. Words are meaningless.
This.. I don't know what to do now. I wrote yesterday's post saying that I should never contact her again, otherwise the consequences might be severe. I don't want to traumatize or annoy her. I don't want her to be upset.
But at the same time, I need her to know that I am the.. me she now deserves. I am her man. And she is my woman. And, it was her that transformed me.
And.. it's not something I can easily communicate to her. I can't tell her how worth it it would be, to try again and give me another chance.
She was adamant over the phone, that she was going to go through life without dating. That she is not interested in dating anymore.
"It doesn't have to be this way," I pleaded with her.
"Yes, it does." She angrily replied.
She seemed really sure about her decision, but it was based on..
(sighs)
It was based on the old me. The scared and suspicious me.
I'm..
Ugh.
I can't believe I'm coming up on the third month from the last time I've seen her.
Three months, already.
And I'm still feeling like this. I'm still thinking about her. I'm still wanting her.
What is this? This is completely new to me. I have never pined for a girl as hard as I have been doing. This is different. Weird, even.
But, at the same time, it's..
Necessary. Necessary for me to be as honest with myself as possible. To not repress my emotions and feelings. To keep myself grounded and logical. To keep faith and hope alive. I can't delude myself into thinking that "someone better is out there", even if it's true, that's not the way I want to ease this burden I'm carrying.
I want to go on being thankful for having met that beautiful person. But, I also don't want to go on knowing that I may have hurt her. I don't want to go on, without her really knowing how much I care for her.
It's such a struggle.
The easiest thing is to leave it all alone, and let the chips fall where they may. But, it's hard letting go.
And I don't really want to let go, either.
I found the woman I love.
And..
I don't know anymore.
I'm worth being with, now.
If only she could see me, to know for sure.
If only.
I'd love to take her for breakfast at A&W, and just talk. Although I'm sure if that happens, I'm not going to be able to touch my food or be able to take my eyes off of her.
It'll be awkward starting again from scratch, but I'm quite certain it would be worth it.
Now, I feel like I need to say something funny in this post to lighten up the dreary/sad mood I created.
Hmm.
I've got nothing. My sense of humor is intact, but I have nothing amusing to write.
Guess I don't want to laugh right now.
Laughter is something best enjoyed with others.
Not on my own.
(sighs)
I'm feeling my feelings. I'm staying true to myself. I'm still going to place one foot in front of the other, and do whatever I can with my day, and my life, and help elevate others so that they can be less burdened, and more appreciated, and thought of as worthwhile human beings.
There is a Filipino lady at one of the gas stations I go to, that I joke around with sometimes. She's at the No Frills station. I suggested she use her PC points card on my 50$ purchase. And I made her smile.
This other Filipino over at Esso, gets a smile and a few laughs from me each time I go, too.
The cigar store lady. Clerks. Cashiers. Service employees. The lady serving me my coffee at Tim Hortons. Everyone usually gets a smile, and a joke if I have something worth teasing them about, or remarking upon.
I guess, if I never see Gina again, if I decide to never contact her, then I will still have this gift, of sorts, to continue appreciating. This reversal of fear, was caused by her. And I can't imagine how much money I would pay, should someone come by and offer me this exact same sort of "change". I would probably pay thousands of dollars for it. Reading dozens upon dozens of self-help books will not affect me in the same way that our breakup did.
So, I'm grateful. I hope to always be grateful.
I see things more clearly, now. I'm more expressive. Less inhibited. More giving. Much happier.
But, it's so weird to be happy and sad at once.
Again, I'm feeling my feelings, and as weird and out-of-sorts I sometimes feel, I'm far happier to be going with the flow rather than to swim against the current.
One of the things I learned from Sandra, is exactly that lesson. We were discussing what our life's "purpose" is, and Sandra claimed to immediately know what hers was.
"I am passionate about helping the homeless," she tells me. "That's my purpose."
Of course, I was skeptical. Because there are so many hypocrites out there, and people always say what they don't mean or believe in. So, I quizzed her.
"How do you know what your life's purpose is?"
And she explained it as going into the direction that is most easy. The path of least resistance. And while I don't think it was articulated very well, I did grasp the deeper meaning behind her words.
I understood exactly what she meant.
And I agree. You should never have to "push" in any direction other than the one that feels most obvious and natural. It takes a lot of self-awareness too, to know if you are "pushing" or not, because the ego and desire, each can distort what the truth of your life's purpose is. All too often, we think we want one type of thing, but what we really NEED is this completely other thing that we overlooked.
There is a path available, for those that want to find happiness and meaning in their lives. But we have to believe in it, in order to realize our destinies. We need to be able to keep ourselves on track, as we navigate the many challenges and obstacles that our day-to-day lives present.
So, there's a kind of personal integrity and honor that has to be in place, before this path can be walked. Or made known.
You have to have an intelligent understanding of who you are, what your needs and desires are, and know your heart well enough to be able to build trust in the subtle commands that the heart gives you.
Honor yourself, above all others.
Follow your heart, but don't abandon reason.
Always be reasonable.
Always be logical, smart, calculating, thoughtful.
And always be loving. No matter if it's a family member, or a stranger on the street.
There is no distinction between flesh and blood, and the rest of humanity around us.
We are all one.
And we all have our problems, and desires.
The most noble goal one can aspire towards, is to live a life worthy of admiration and inspiration.
That's pretty much it. If you can leave a legacy behind that continues to inspire others, then it would be icing on the cake.
...
Well. Justin just messaged me.
Let's see what another day brings.
