Friday, September 30, 2016
In Truth, There Is Beauty
Decided to watch some TV tonight and checked my pre-recorded shows list.
Hello Goodbye - Second Chances. The description reads:
"People discuss their second chances in relationships."
I could only watch the first part, before I felt like I had my fill. It was great. There was this black guy and his daughter waiting at the airport for his white girlfriend who he planned on proposing marriage to. They both had signs made up, and the little girl kept the engagement ring in a box that she hid behind her back. He proposed, and she accepted.
It was touching. The emotions on his face, on hers, on the little girl. It was beautiful. It was love. And the way his girlfriend touched and hugged him after say yes.. well, it really swelled my heart. I wish..
I wish..
Yeah.
I'm really tired of talking about her. Thinking about her.. I already know that there's nothing more I can do. I bought her those Dolly tickets. Wrote her what was probably the most heartfelt email of my life. Showed her my vulnerable side by letting her visit the blog. Made her an incredible cd that I tried to give her twice.
I have to face the fact that I've done all I could. That soulmate or not, I can only continue to move forward in life and not stop and stand around wondering what is going to happen next.
Or whether I should do anything.
The choice is to let her go, or to hold onto her.
I.. don't want to do either.
And, I can't really do both. Not without causing me a great deal of suffering, like now.
I don't ever want to forget her. But.. if we are not meant to be, then I can't stay attached to her. I have to keep myself open and willing to receive whatever it is that the universe has in store for me.
If.. and I don't like being selfish, but if I make it to my deathbed without seeing her again or not ever finding a woman who loves me as much as I love her; then, I will...
I will be very upset.
Presuming I can be, once I pass from this earth.
As much as I already do believe in reincarnation and the after-life, and God and the "dao" and all such things; I still have to accept that my faith has let me down before. Many, many times.
Women, have let me down many times before too.
So..
I don't know.
Maybe there's a bigger picture I'm not able to see right now. I'm betting there is.
So not only do I have to decide between keeping her in my heart and letting her go; but I also have to decide between what it is that I want, and what I would actually be needing.
Because, I'm not able to know exactly what it is that I need from life. I think it's love, it's a woman; but maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's something else that I have little idea about.
That's destiny for ya. You never know what your role on this planet is supposed to be, until you fit inside of it like an old beat-up shoe. Then, you'll get to know who you really are.
So.. Assuming that my life has to serve some sort of purpose, I will then assume that what I have accomplished so far, is not the end of all I have to offer to this world.
I can do so much more.
With or without a woman, I can.. do w..
Well... I have suffered long enough to get to this point. To be completely honest and true; I will say that I've had enough of all this. I want some encouragement. Some sign, that I'm on the right track. That despite this struggling sadness, I will eventually find my way out and shine as brightly as the diamond I know I am.
Someday, I will make myself proud. And my mother. And my deceased father.
And maybe, that's my destiny.
A woman, can only complement this goal, not provide it. She can't become a goal.
No woman should ever become the goal of a man.
And yet, that is what seems to be happening with me.
And has been, for years now.
I've been doing it all wrong, I suppose. But I haven't wisdom enough to really know if all my mistakes are leading to something or someone better; or if I truly am unable to comprehend and realize my fullest potential without first finding the right person to be with.
But, that sort of thing is up to me. Not anyone else.
And I have to own up to the fact that I could be alone for years, and that sadness is a choice I'm making. It's a form of release, and shouldn't be a habit.
I have to stop it from becoming a habit.
It's okay to drip out a few tears now and then, but you shouldn't succumb to them. You shouldn't allow them to become a kind of blanket to wrap yourself up in.
They're residual. Transient. Temporary.
There is honor in tears. Only the truly corrupted, would be unable to cry or feel feelings of sadness and longing.
So then, a good man is allowed to cry.
And I know I am one. My sadness, my joy, my spirit and honesty is recognized and appreciated by many of the people I come across in my day to day life. Coworkers. Family. Friends. Cashiers. Strangers. Animals. Insects.
I still.. treat others with respect. And with whatever humor and empathy I'm able to share.
I'd like to say, that I will reap what I sow, but..
I guess it'll take time to prove that saying out.
Because I don't feel like anything is growing right now.
And it concerns me.
And I know that I must try to realize the best of who I am, and that if I never contact Georgina again; then I must first and foremost, be able to make peace with this request of hers.
Otherwise it'll kill me if I don't.
And making peace, is easier said than done.
Because how can I let her walk away?
And if I did do something, what could possibly change her mind about me? What could I do, that would improve my stature and gain for me a second chance in a relationship with her?
Absolutely nothing. There's nothing I can do that will convince her enough to know that I love her, and would do anything to have us back together. Even if I have convinced her of these things, she might still not want anything to do with me.
And despite my wanting to do something about this, I know that it'll be bad if I did. I promised I wouldn't contact her again, and I have to stick by that and show her that I mean business. And that I meant every word I said in my last email to her. I made a promise. It's in writing.
It's her turn.
It's up to her to believe. And if she doesn't believe me.. well.. I can't do anything about that. All I can do is continue to believe in myself. To develop faith in my character and to improve my life however way I can. To walk with my head held high and not make any apologies for who I was, am, and want to be.
Because the alternative, is not going to get me anywhere but inside of a dark hole that I may never be able to pull myself out from.
So.. patience.
Patience and faith.
And.. I need to keep my sense of humor.
For fuck's sake.
Time for some chocolate.
Before I finish putting together dad's bed upstairs.
I'm psyched to see how it will look.
It has poles.
(sighs)