(drops rag)
Well, that's all she wrote, folks. Tonight is my last night of freedom, before I put on my gear and head back to work for the first time in two and a half months.
I'm so grateful for that time off. It's long, but so badly needed. I did go into a bit of debt, for it, but nothing too bad. Sure, it's all been pricey, to be taking time off like this each year, but I feel like I absolutely have to. And no more than ever, than these last two months after being broken up with.
Almost three months now, actually.
Geez. I'm sad that she decided to break up with me before the summer started. We could have maybe changed things, and maybe I would have come to the same realizations back then, as the ones I have now. With or without the catalyst of having fallen stupidly horrifically in love.
But, I doubt it. I wouldn't have been nearly as productive as I am now. As healed, and whole as I'm about to feel. And, this supreme amount of gratitude for having been granted the opportunity of that much time off.
I really doubt I would be this changed, had Gina not broken up with me. There's no way. I needed to be broken up with, in order to have these insights of mine. These new found appreciations. This absolute and total love I have for my beautiful ex-girlfriend.
It's sick, really. But what's a sick man to do? Get shock therapy? A lobotomy? Who, or why would anyone want to excise something so beautiful from themselves? That feeling of unconditional love, I'm now feeling. Towards her. With some peripheral benefit to strangers and other people that I come across. I helped at least one person, feel better about themselves today.
Here's how that happened. It's nothing remarkable, but it was meaningful. To me, anyways.
My mom and I were at Walmart waiting at the checkout line. She then starts paying the cashier, who was a young Filipino / Asian girl, and I had the urge to make her smile, somehow.
So, as my mother was getting the change,
"Hey mom, you should let her keep the change as a tip."
My mom paid with a hundred dollar bill, for a total of $77 in random stuff. That would've been a 23 dollar tip.
Immediately, the cashier smiled at my saying that.
My mom is the perfect straight-edge to work my comedy off of.
"Oh no sunshine, that would be too much!" she politely titters at me, being overheard by the cashier.
Another smile.
"Hey, she looks like she works hard. Did you see how fast we checked out? I think she deserves a tip, don't you think? I thought you liked it when people tipped you at work?"
Haha.. and so it went. I don't prolong stuff like that, as there was people behind us, but I gave the cashier a big smile myself, as we both left.
The last look I see on their faces in these sort of situations, is.. indescribable, sometimes. Some people genuinely appreciate being joked around with, and made to be part of an improvised comedy sketch.
One that I've cooked up on the fly, obviously. (buffs nails on shirt) Ahem, as I was saying.. Hehehe.
Yeah, so I'm silly. But I like to make others laugh. I have a talent for it. Doesn't really matter who it is, as long as I have room and inspiration to run with.
Anyways, not much happened today. Lunch with mom at Swiss Chalet, shopping at Walmart.
I managed to get her to pay for a 50 pack of glow-in-the-dark stick-on stars. And I also got a free label maker, which I already put to good use inside of my shower. They stick really well.
Later, went to my stepmom's place to get my father's bed. But, on the way there, I started getting a giddy feeling inside my stomach.
It persisted as I drove up, took apart the bed with a hammer, loaded it up on the roof of my Jeep and tying it down with rope. That giddy feeling was pretty noticeable throughout.
After I was ready to go, I figured I'd stop at the nearest 7-11 and use the washroom.
Exiting the store, I could see it.
Gina's car. Parked in front of her house.
Here's a better picture I took, though I didn't dare to get much closer.
That legendary red car, that I keep wishing to see as I drive around.
Once I saw it, the giddy feeling was gone.
And I got back in my car, and drove home, hoping that a strong wind wouldn't blow off the mahogany head and foot board of the bed. Heavy stuff, though. Tied it up really well.
I can hardly wait to get it set up in the bedroom, but I need to find myself a box spring to put atop the metal (iron?) frame that holds the box spring on.
My old man's bed is pretty awesome. He had good taste in furniture. Real wood, and still in good shape for it being over thirty years old. Heck, if I remember the earliest age I was when I first hid under that same bed, then I could tell you exactly for sure how old it was. Meaning that it could even be as old as 40. More than me.
Soon as I get it set up, I'll be sure to snap rolls and rolls of photos of the way how sexy the frame and boards look. With two tall posts on each corner of the bed, carved into a spiral and looking like a budding flower on the end. Really majestic bit of woodworking. You could sense the pride of the craftsman who built this thing from scratch. Or even if it was factory-made (I have no idea), that pride would've still been evident in the design, and choice of wood, as well.
Just a beautiful piece of art.
This is my new pillow, by the way.
11 bucks on Amazon. Just needed a new pillowcase. Thought that one was good.
Haha. Who am I kidding. It's somewhere between hilarious and disturbing, all at once.
Well, Staraflur by Sigur Ros is going. It's red laser light show music, and the red laser on the ceiling is spinning around looking as badass as ever. I've got the fog machine going too, to complete the effect.
I can't make this look any better than it already does.
I'm more efficient now, at getting this moment to unfold quickly. Hit this switch, turn off that timer. Press that button.
I'm looking forward to sharing this with someone deserving.
Sharing it all with the woman I love, in reward for the beauty that she has inspired within me.
I'm a better person because of her.
She tamed me.
And I badly want to go lick her hand, with a wag of my tail.
Heh.
Yeah. I'm tired of thinking about her and feeling like an idiot.
But.. I can't fight this feeling, anymore. (sighs) (puts down microphone)
Back to work tomorrow. Orientation is at 7am, and I'm expected to go on night-shift the following Tuesday at 7pm. It's going to be an interesting transition for sure.
I just hope that I won't completely fall back to being a miserable, bored, drone worker once I start showing up every day, and putting in a full day for my weekly paycheque.
I just hope I can survive being a worker bee, for this little while longer. Until the next time I am able to have a month or two to myself, and re-awaken my sense of appreciation and remembrance. This year has been such a transformative one.
From Cassandra to Carolyn. Two of the most drastic types of relationships I've ever been in.
Cassandra degraded me, and herself.
And Carolyn purified me, and gave me back my fearlessness and willingness to love again. She helped make me whole.
Sort of.
I'm not completely whole, just yet. But I hope to be. It feels close. Like my best days are still to come.
Don't really know for sure, and thats the scary part of it all. The not knowing of whats to come in the future,. Wondering if there will be any more surprises. Any more thrills, or tales of sadness and woe, and whoever and whatever I get thrown in with. Like a mad science experiment. Conducted more so for entertainment, than for educational reasons.
Who knows what'll happen.
I'm a bit concerned about whether or not I'll continue posting regular updates on here, once I start working. I'm usually tired when I get home, and feeling creatively inspired is a rare gem after a long day at work.
But, I'll.. try, I suppose. I'm not going to force myself to post, if I really don't want to, but I'll keep it in mind.
I'm hopeful that everything else will work out fine. And that I have no reason to be feeling like a giddy child on his first day of school, each time I go to a new job after such a long break.
My novel hasn't been getting much love from me lately, and that's okay. It already knows how much I want to love it, but I haven't been in the right mood of being able to come up with enough motivation and ideas to try and write a new chapter for it. Or to revise earlier ones, and improve them.
I just don't have my head in that, right now. I'd really like to, but it's a bit of a push in the wrong direction at the moment. I'm not sure why. Maybe that's not what I'm most supposed to be thinking about, or caring about right now.
Like I said, I'm feeling what I feel, and what I feel is telling me to stay in the moment, and to not force any outcomes to present themselves. My "feelings" are telling me to think less of the past, and less of the future. My feelings are telling me to stay in the moment, and enjoy all I can of it. Both the good, and the bad.
I'm trying to be in "the now".
It's a great feeling to have slowed myself down like this, so that I'm not as wound up as I was. I don't need to watch tv or play video games to have fun in my spare time. I can have fun wandering around my house with a glass of whiskey in hand and inspecting the household for the slightest imperfections while I squint with my monocle.
Heh. Let's hope this feeling lasts once I start doing a minimum 40 hours a week, with weekend work being a good possibility.
I'm going to shrug, and say that I think it will. And if these "feelings" won't last, then so be it. I've had a good run. But I would be expecting another epiphany, sometime soon.
As long as I keep walking the path, I can't be denied answers to my questions.
I need to see where the story is going. Will there be a happy ending? Will I find the right one for me? Can I possibly discover a new career for myself, that I would fit exceptionally well in?
I need to be hinted at, if the answers aren't going to be coming any time soon. I have to know that I'm moving towards greatness, and that patience and faith will each work towards making this happen.
Well, anyways. Maybe I'll never know the answers. Maybe I'm really never going to get Gina back or find my soulmate. Maybe I will die childless or unloved.
If that is the way it has to be, then so be it.
I can't force anybody to give me a second chance. I poured my guts out to Gina, but it's up to her to believe the words I'm saying. And I can't impress belief onto her.
I don't know how to, anyways.
I can't contact her again. But she can always contact me.
And, so I wait.
But, for what? Resolution, I'd say. Am I supposed to be with Gina, or not?
I'm going to put my faith into the magic stuff that goes on behind the scenes.
But, I don't know how long I can hold it for. I might end up doing the scarecrow idea, and that.. that's my last option, if in case I still can't get her out of my mind, a month from now.
I just know, that all I want is the best outcome for myself.
I want the outcome that makes me into a better person, and closer to meeting the woman of my dreams.
That's really the only outcome I'd want.
Maybe have a child, too.
Now, that would be something.
I don't know. With Gina, I'd never have my own child, I would have to accept her boys as my own. Even though they aren't of my flesh and blood and might never grow to accept me, as being a kind of substitute father to them.
That's a tall order, to be honest. I can now understand what may have made Gina so demonstrative of her capacity to be loving and giving, and sharing her naked self to me in intimacy, both physical and otherwise.
She wanted to give me her whole world, and in exchange, I would have to give her mine.
And, I would.. have to trust her.
And that's another tall order.
But, it shouldn't have been.
I don't know why it happened the way it did with us, but it did. I didn't have any trust in women left in me. Not after so many years of being with some of the worst ones.
And I have to accept that I could only have been the man I was at the time. That I have nothing to apologize for and I acted with immaturity, but it is retroactively compensated for given my new outlook.
I was never abusive to Gina. I didn't ever want to hurt her feelings. But I did. Somehow, I did.
She deserved to be treated like how I was treating her, in the first couple months we were together. I didn't take her company for granted. I was genuinely humbled by her. And...
Well, I wish she would remember that. Those early months we had together.
It could have grown into something much better.
And, I have to admit that.. I'm..
One of a kind.
There's not anybody else out there, quite like me.
I like to think, that I have a tremendous amount to offer the right person.
I'm a very good person to be with. And I need a good person to be with, as well.
Gina is a fool, for not giving me another chance.
It would have been very different.
Well, I'm in bed. The alarm is set. The lunch is already made.
Let's see what tomorrow brings.
