Georgina.. Oh, God.
I start work in two days. There are times at my job, when I will be alone with my thoughts and have no place to escape from.
For someone who is "feeling" their feelings, I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle this.
I woke up this morning, and immediately started thinking of her. I imagined the scenario of coming home from work, and seeing her open the door. At my place. With her two kids inside.
All living together with me.
Imagined kissing her. Seeing her smile.
And, I broke down. I cried these horrible, wretched tears. I still am, as I'm writing this down.
I can't do anything.
I can't contact or see her again.
But, in order to believe that. Really believe that...
I have to push her out of my mind. Don't I? What's the point of my thinking, of my hoping, if chances are almost 100% that I will never see her again?
Today, Saturday September 17th, the night Dolly Parton performs at a show that she didn't want to accept my tickets for, is the day I'm officially acknowledging that I have a serious problem on my hands.
And I don't know what to do about it.
Writing this down, is helping me somewhat. It's organizing and purging and cathartic.
It's also depressing. And it's not helping me as much as I would like.
And repetitive. Seems like every second or third post I put on here, has some mention of Gina in it.
I can't keep doing this.
I.. have to figure something out. But what?
It's raining outside. My wind chime was in pieces this morning on the back deck, having fallen from the eavestrough that I thought I had securely fastened it to over a month ago.
On the front deck, is a bag of canned goods I left out for pick-up. On my coffee table, is the morning newspaper with the headline, "Endless Ordeal" written in big letters.
A somewhat used kleenex sits within reach, as I lay on the couch with the laptop balanced on my legs.
I start work in two days.
Maybe it will help. But..
Is distracting myself, really the answer?
I realized yesterday, while putting up the new curtain rod, that part of what is motivating me to do all this stuff around the house. To put up shelves, and paint, and all these things; is so I don't think about her as much while I'm doing them. But, I still have these lulls that crop up while I'm busy. That moment where I let my guard down, and stray thoughts begin to enter. Thoughts about the woman I love, that I can't have.
That I messed things up with.
That I can't possibly have fall in love with me.. from where I am now.
It's.. there's no hope here. Not with her, I don't think.
Key word being, "think".
I don't know. Am I really going to hold onto the 1% chance of her deciding to contact me again?
Am I really that dumb?
But, there's nothing else I can do right now. There's nothing worth hanging onto.
I have three profiles up on three different dating sites, and my lines have been casted.
All I can do, is wait.
Wait, and "feel" my feelings.
I don't know where "hope" comes in, during all this. Or if there should be any "hope" coming in at all.
Hope and faith.. Man.. It's so hard.
It's hard wanting to believe, sometimes.
But...
It's all I can do.
Got to stay strong.
Got to remind myself that I'm still worthwhile.
No matter how damaged I may be, or how hurtful my past once was.
I'm still a good person.
Still deserving of falling in love, and being loved by someone.
S..
(sighs)
I was going to type, "someone like her."
Sti...
This isn't how I want to start my morning. Haven't even brushed my teeth yet.
Listening to her cd, might help.
Or maybe I should make myself a new playlist.
We'll see.
It's just another day, without her.
I'll make it.
I'll get through.
I always do.
