Don't get me wrong, I'm.. not trying to fill this hole I feel inside with material items; but I.. sheesh.. I have this odd compulsion to really decorate my place. REALLY DECORATE. I mean, it's weird, it's.. not normal. I have barely changed anything in my home for the past six years, so maybe that has something to do with it.
And, of course, her. She gets credit also.
One of the first things I remember doing after Gina broke up with me, was to hang pictures up on my dining room wall. So, this:
Those three pictures, that I had sitting in my closet for a few years now, suddenly got whipped out and smacked on that damn bare ass wall. Earlier, I had three color swatches just sitting there. For like, years. I originally wanted to paint that wall, but never got around to it.
Oh, and on the table there, those are the paper flowers Gina gave me on our first date. I remember joking with her through text, about how she had to bring me flowers. And when she asked me what kind I liked, I said paper ones. And.. she actually went through with it. Yeah.. now you know why..
Why.. I still.. want her. Love her.
Oh, God.
It's been a week to the day that I dropped off those cds for her, at her work, next to her car. Just scattered them on the ground thinking that she would pick them up, and listen to my mix cd. Not knowing it was from me.
Well, as my email said, that plan failed.
And.. (sighs).. My morning.. started off.. as usual, but.. as I was sitting outside having my coffee, feeling the sun shine down; I.. felt a burble..
Let me explain what a burble is. It's like a wave of sadness/despair/regret that swells up like a bubble, and just as quickly, dissipates. It's like I'm thinking, "oh no.. I'm going to start choking up" and... somehow it goes away as fast as it appears.
I had a bunch of those today.
Most notably, was while I was driving. It came in, and it felt like it was stuck in my chest. And I had to melt it down because it wouldn't "pop" like most burbles should. And.. I remember driving, listening to this mix cd my ex-girlfriend Elizabeth made for me in 2001; and..
It fucking sucked.
I wanted to close my eyes and fall asleep. Never to wake up. It was like.. a weariness.. coupled with these other emotions, and thoughts of her, again.
I was thinking about what it would be like to hug her again. To hold her close.
And when my first burble appeared this morning, I was sitting in a chair, closing my eyes and half-hoping/expecting a little pinch on my toe, where I'd open my eyes and see her standing there. With a big smile on her face.
God save me.
I thought I killed hope. But.. evidentally I didn't. It came back, and I don't.. have much of a desi.. well, maybe strength is the right word? I didn't have much strength in me to squash it.
I've been trying though. Whenever I think that she is listening to my cd, or that she might suddenly drive up and ring my doorbell; I get.. I try to.. rationalize away those hopes. By telling them that it's over. And.. my mantra for those moments, used to be "no hope".. then, "stop hoping" .. and now it's.. "you're never going to see her again."
(sighs) motherfucker..
I'm swearing, because I'm.. I don't know. I'm not upset at myself. I'm doing what I can. I'm making my home a beautiful place to live.
But, what for, really? For myself?
Or for her?
I'm wondering this, because when I first hung those pictures up on the dining room wall, I remember thinking:
"Man, Gina would love to see this."
Followed by,
"...If she ever comes back."
And that was the.. well, I think it was the first time I really felt the loss of her, when I thought those words.
I.. bought a lot of cool stuff today. My two favorite items is a new case for my Edge 7, and this light projector from a company (or called) Ohuhu. It's incredibly bright. And super awesome.
Again, I thought, "If only Gina could see this."
But Gina is not here.
And she nev.. I don't know about never.. never say never.
But, I have to kill hope somehow. Even.. even..
No. I don't want to be dishonest. I won't lie to myself.
She MIGHT come back. And if she does. I'll be ready for her.
I'm going to sweep that beautiful idiot..woman, off of her feet.
My love.
My Queen.
My Gina.
In the basement again, with the candle and cd going..
And tears down my face.
What the fuck, man.
God help me.
This b..
This...
This sucks.
