(sighs)
It's been quite an illuminating past couple of days. Lots of little epiphanies and realizations that I've come to have regarding my feelings about Gina.
The big one, is the one I've had this morning, as I was having a cigarette.
I realized, that Gina just doesn't care.
She doesn't.
She didn't care that I left flowers at her doorstep. Made her an incredible mix cd and tried to give it to her twice, with her throwing it away the first time, and who knows what, the second.
If she even listened to the cd, she still doesn't care enough about how amazing it turned out to be.
So, she doesn't care that I love her. As I've confessed in the email I've sent.
Didn't care enough to respond, anyways.
Probably never will, either.
No, "hey.. I miss you.." letter, email or text.
No chance of having her show up at my front door, with that smile of hers.
She doesn't care enough to do either.
She never will. No matter what I try to do. Whether it's leaving a nice halloween greeting in the form of three scarecrows on the side of the street she drives to work on, or whether it's in the form of another tearfully written email.
Nothing will work, and she won't care.
And that scarecrow idea is nuts. I shouldn't go with it. I won't.
Because, she definitely will not care, once I do that.
And things will be much worse than it is now.
I can't .. see her again. I won't.
I'll have to .. go on without her, and hope that everything will turn out fine.
Somehow.
For her, and for me.
But.. I'd rather it would be her and me. I don't want her to be with anyone else, and neither do I.
I.. would be happy with her.
And, with my heart the way it is now.. I... think she would be happier with me.
That's.. what I hope for, anyways. But..
I can't bring myself to believe that she would care.
My words will never change her mind.
No matter what I type.
No matter what other clever means I have of contacting her, without emailing, texting, phoning or leaving letters.
All that is nuts. I'm nuts for thinking I might have the slimmest of chances of her being interested in me again. Like she once was.
I still.. (sighs) I need to write on here about the day we first met. I have to get these memories written down.
Somehow, this will all be important. To who, and for what? I don't know.
And I don't care, either.
Just like Georgina doesn't care, and will never care.
She's beyond my reach, now.
I have to respect the distance between us, and to pray that there will still be good times yet to come for me in the future.
I have to place hope in myself first, before it can go anywhere else. To anyone else.
For anyone else.
Including her.
So.. This again comes back to what I said are some of the things that I have learned from dating Georgina.
Honor yourself above all others.
You were and are a prize, for the right woman to come along and enjoy being spoiled with.
You are a fantastic person, and there will be others yet to come who are equally as fantastic as you are. You just need to be patient and have faith that such a thing could be possible. Because it is.
It is absolutely possible.
And if you can imagine it inside your mind well enough, that beautiful possibility will come to bear ripe fruit. That the sweetness of having dignity for one self, will always heal your soul far better and with compassion in a way that another human being can never provide. Should never have the pressure of providing.
Have respect in yourself David, and you will do just fine.
You're already a fantastic person. In the last three months, you've evolved beautifully in such a short amount of time. It's impressive, and incredible. Something that is rarely done or seen.
So.. leave her alone, David. She doesn't care about you. You tried your best, and there is nothing left for you to do, but to...
Pay respect to the distance between you two.
It is there for a reason, and the temptation to cross at its boundaries; has severe consequences.
For both you, and her. The woman you claim to love.
And perhaps you are, and perhaps you aren't; regardless, your ex-girlfriend doesn't care about getting back together, or wanting to take your words and intent seriously.
She just doesn't care.
She made that plain, in the last conversation between the two of you over the phone; where she spoke in a hostile tone.
But, she also laughed at my octopus comparison, so maybe..
Geez, it doesn't matter anyways. Nothing of what I've done, or can do will matter to her enough to care.
I'm going to have to..
Suffer being without her.
And live in hopeful faith of better times ahead.
No matter how long it may take.
Even until death.
So.. (sighs) ..
Her cd is on right now, and I'm exhausted from last night. Not because of my actual job, but because I always get really tired towards the end of my shift. I yawn like crazy.
So, I'm in bed and about to clock out for the day.
Highlight of the day for me at work, was this cute girl who smiled and said hello to me as I passed by her in the walkway. I was pretty excited by that gesture, that when I asked my partner if he noticed; and he said yes.
"Yeah, I saw that. She got you standing at attention there."
Heh. I did feel like I was given a nice bit of validation as to my general attractiveness. It almost felt as if I was flirted with.
So thats good.
Right?
It's a start, anyways.
Hopefully... onto better things.
Soon.
(sighs) so tired..
Off I go.
