Living On a Prayer

Gina's cd is on, but I'm not in a dark basement with a candle this time.

I'm right here.

Posting on a bench at Elk Island National Park. Across from a gorgeous blue lake, under a warm shining sun, being pushed around by a nudging breeze and sharing the company of a tiny handful of people wandering about, enjoying the dying scraps of summer.

I like it. I'm not sure what compelled me to drive out here today, knowing that I have to meet my mom for dinner at 5 and I would only have an hour; but I felt like I had to go someplace quiet. Near water. And with some measure of privacy.

There's a cute blond girl walking her dog to my left, a Chinese family around 30 feet to my right; and all should be fine and dandy in this world.

Except, it isn't.

On the way over, I started thinking about her again, and this was after a couple of days of not thinking of her as much as usual, and I was getting the sense that my memories and thoughts were going to fade over time, until I have completely forgotten what it is I love most about that woman.

Not going to happen today, it seems.

Driving to the park, I was thankful for wearing sunglasses because a couple of hesitant tears started sliding down my cheeks. Just two. Not much. But probably two, too many.

Can't really forget her. Don't want to forget her either. No Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, for this guy.

Yesterday was a nice surprise, as Gyngie texted me saying that she was in the Fort with her daughter, and I invited them both over, as I've never met Raychel in the almost two years I've known Gyngie for and was curious to see what she was like.

Boy, Ray was a stunning looking young lady. Her hair was a dark red, exactly the shade I like most, and her makeup was perfectly applied. She was.. Man, I'm gonna stop here, because she's only 16 years old and I'm not going to go full-on creepy old man by getting into details about how attractive she was.

Not that kind of guy, but I couldn't resist teasing Gyngie a little bit when she came back after dropping Ray off and finishing her doctor's appointment.

"Can you tell Ray that I can wait for her? I'm a very patient man. Two years is nothing to me."

Heh.

Gyngie texted me during her appointment about how Ray is shy, and that she loves to cuddle.

"She didn't cuddle with me, though." (sad face emoticon)

Heh x2.

Later on that night, I couldn't resist throwing one more in there.

"Ray says you have a nice house," Gyngie tells me.

"Oh, that's nice of her. Can you let her know that she's welcome to come by anytime, as long as she doesn't tell anybody?"

Heh x3.

Seriously couldn't resist going for the low-hanging fruits, and Gyngie rightfully got pissed about it. My thinking during those, is that she should know my sense of humor by now, what kind of a guy I am and that I would never attempt to date her daughter. I also was curious to see where her boundaries were as far as jokes went. It's not like I said anything downright offensive, anyways.

Gyngie is way overprotective of her little girl. Even my mentioning how yellow her teeth were, and how I thought that whitening strips would make a huge difference; made her a little upset. And that was after I praised Ray for looking pretty and for being smart. So, she was kind of unreasonably on edge and I just had to tease her. Had to. She should have taken my comments with a huge grain of salt.

Except she didn't, and I had to go into excessive detail with big texts explaining how all men notice the physical attractiveness of a young woman and that I would never go near her, etc. And I made the point of telling her that I was somewhat insulted that she would think I'd be that kind of "guy".

Anyways, it looks like Gyngie and Ray were the first two people to have seen my redecorated home since my mom was last here. I'm honestly thankful it was them, and not some random, strange girl from online.

Gyngie loved the light show I had going up in the bedroom, and gushed over how the fog machine made the light effects pop. She was in awe, and I'm happy to have made her visit a memorable one.

But, as my blog already knows, I would rather a certain woman be the one to first see all this.

Yeah.

Her.

I don't know when I'm going to shut up about all this. It's almost been three months.

I still keep her stuff around.

A bobby pin.

Three yellow paper flowers, from our first date.

The pink rubber duck she got me. To complement the yellow one I had.

Yoda Pez dispenser. From the last time she came over.

And a pink paper flower that I keep in my office that is falling apart. Which is making me remember how I teased her about not getting me any more flowers, and she said she would replace my paper ones once they "wear" out.

Oh, and this shirt she got me. Which I still wear to bed every night. Even though I didn't start wearing it until she broke up. Funny how that works.

I'm... pathetic. I think. Holding onto her like this. But, I wouldn't be like this, if I honestly felt she was not worth hoping for.

Because, she absolutely is.

Whenever I realize that I'm thinking of her less and less; I conjure up a picture in my mind and go off on this stretch of reminiscence. I go by the cell phone photos, mainly, and had I been a halfway decent artist; I could probably sketch her face from scratch. That's how well I remember her features.

An image like this one, is burned into my brain.

Oops. I meant this one.

I imagine her voice sometimes. Hearing her on the telephone, with that breathlessly delivered "hi" that used to send chills down my spine. I imagine kissing her neck. Touching her hand. Looking into her eyes. Having sex.

Seeing her smile. Being the guy that made her laugh.

Running my fingers through her hair.

All these things.

Gyngie asked me yesterday about the Dolly Parton tickets that I told her I was going to give Gina. I had to explain that I sold them, and that Gina's mom read my blog and her daughter said I can find someone else to go with.

"You wouldn't want to be with someone that gives up so easily, anyways," Gyngie reminded me.

"And broke up through text." I added.

"Well, you tried." Gyngie offered in consolation.

I could only nod glumly in agreement.

But, I still want to be with her.

I still feel that I'm the right guy for her, and she's the right girl for me.

I.. still have that stupid scarecrow idea in my head for next month. I already have those scarecrows sitting in my garage. All I need to do, is paint a Happy Halloween sign, carve some pumpkins, and then paint a "Boo-tiful" sign, to put up a few days later, next to the others.

It.. (sighs) It baffles me, why I want to do this.

I think, my motivation is to remind her that I'm still thinking of her. That I meant every word I said.

Over a month from now. (sighs) .. I don't know if I'm going to be feeling any differently then. Maybe I will.

But.. like I said in that one post, I don't know if I should.. do anything.

I've already done enough.

What good will scarecrows on the side of a road holding up a Happy Halloween sign do?

It'll piss her off more than likely.

But there's still that faint hope, that she will see these things and..

I don't know. Open the lines of communication? To tell me off again?

To call the police? Get her mom to call me? Her uncle? Again?

I don't.. I shouldn't...

Ugh.

I don't want to stop hoping, either. I'm.. expecting that I will be thinking of her a month from now, too.

But..

I don't know.

I'm going to try and go with where life takes me. And..

And it's scary. A little bit, anyways. Because, I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if she will have a change of heart. Or if I will end up meeting someone as good or better than Carolyn. It's already been so many years of waiting for someone like her.

I just don't know these things, and for someone who claims to be spiritual and a believer in a higher power and an ultimate destiny and coincidences and possibly soul mates, and the afterlife and a greater purpose for myself...

I just don't know these answers. But, I do know I should keep my faith going.

If I should die alone and childless, my faith is going to ensure that once I reach the light at the end of the tunnel, my anger is going to come with me, and I will do whatever it takes to find a satisfactory answer as to why my life had to turn out this way. My heart will not rest once I pass from this Earth. I will do whatever I can, to find whoever is in charge, and demand an explanation from Him or them, or It.

Because, I don't feel responsible. I really don't. And if God can supposedly see into the hearts of all men, then he will surely be able to see in mine. And know, that I don't deserve a heartbreak like this. I don't care what the "excuse" will end up being. If there is any to be given.

The cd is almost over. Last song now. "Georgina" by Manolo Carrasco.

It's time for me to drive to the casino, for cheap prime rib with my mom.

There's a Bison wandering around.

And a spider crawling up my leg.

I'm out.