I woke up at 440pm, went outside for a smoke, cried.
Read my latest blog entry a few minutes ago, cried.
Not cry, cried. But.. Just those miserable tiny little tears that I can't quite suppress.
Oh, God...
I'm having such a hard time letting her go.
And.. I know I have to.
But I feel like I shouldn't.
And.. although I feel as if I'm ready to be the man she deserves, I don't *know* that for sure. Feeling and knowing are two different things.
I can't just go by feelings.
I need to be rational.
My heart screams at me to do something, anything, to get her back.
But my mind is telling me to forget her, to move on.
And..
I know I can ..
(sighs)
I know I can move on.
Eventually.
But..
It's so hard.
I probably will be leaving her those scarecrows..
I don't know what the fuck am I supposed to do.
But I know that I can't do everything.
It's her turn.
So..
All I can do is have patience and courage enough to wait.
For what? I don't know.
Her.
Or someone else.
Or nobody.
But..
Life goes on.
I have to leave for work soon, here.
And it'll be another night.
And I'll return to my empty and beautiful home later on, to sleep and then wake up to do this all over again.
That's life.
I need to focus on it. Making money is important. I've got debt I need to clear up.
More important than.. (sighs) a relationship, right now.
I can only wait, as far as that goes.
And hope.
Hope for mercy.
And..
(sighs)
Believe in something greater than myself.
Because it is out there.
And it is watching.
So..
I'm going to stand tall.
And..
Continue to try and learn from all this.
I need to.. earn, Georgina.
And.. that means I need to make myself into someone that she can't possibly turn down.
That means different things.
Writing. Working. Exercising. Quitting smoking. Getting hearing aids.
There's a list of things I can do to improve myself.
And I should be making time for those goals.
I want to live with my head held up high.
So that if I ever do see her again.
Then I will know that I have won.
A woman should never.. won't ever.. break me.
The heartache I feel, is by choice and my choice alone.
It can only be resolved by me.
And..
My new calendar arrived in the mail from Amazon today.
