(groans)
Up at 530am when I went to bed at 1am.
I don't get it.
I should be staying up as late as possible so that I can get my body in tune for night shift in nine days from now, but it doesn't seem to want to cooperate.
Patsy Cline's 'She's Got You' is on the headphones right now as my coffee burbles away in the machine. It's dark out and a little chilly. Now, Willie Nelson's 'Crazy' just came on.
"Well, hello there."
I'm still pining over her. And, it's not irrational in the least. Not unless I'm sure I have good reasons for doing so, and I do. Very good reasons.
It's been a long, lonely, difficult road for me as far as dating and relationships go. I've been with women from all walks of life. Women with Ph.Ds who were intellectually engaging, women who just wanted sex, women with kids, without kids, dumb women, short women, fat women, crazy women, boring women. Good looking women, unattractive women.
Black women (woman). Native women.
Women with sexy accents. Older women. Younger women. Women in open relationships. Many women who were into BDSM, which, I still don't understand why it's such a common fetish/expectation to want to be tied-up, choked, abused, etc..
Broken women who complain about how hard it is to find a "nice" guy out there, when they have next to nothing to offer in return. Apart from their vaginas and the lofty sense of entitlement that a vagina ostensibly affords them.
Every one of these girls had not been a person I would've enjoyed spending the rest of my life with. At the time, I may have thought I would've been happy being with Amy, Lauren or Leah for the rest of my days, but.. Lauren was a cheater, Amy was indecisive and inconsiderate, Leah was crazy and a liar.
Tina was married. Elizabeth I had met at an age when I wasn't serious at all about relationships (21).
Just about everyone was a wash. People may think this is a situation of "it's not them, it's you!" but I swear, that is not the case. That is how my "luck" has been as far as dating goes. For the past ten years from when I first started dating online in 2006. Starting with Sadie, who is the girl that gave me a blowjob on the first date that put me in the hospital and caused me to drop out of school. I then spent the next three years being single, because I was intensely suspicious and distrustful of women in general.
Not sure if I told this story on here, but I don't think it needs to be repeated. My worst first date ever.
And then. I met Carolyn Georgina Clayton.
She w.. On our first date, she brought me those paper flowers and shocked me with her thoughtfulness. She then asked me, after we finished dinner, if I would want to come to her house.
I did, I said. And on her couch, we began making out, and she whipped out my penis.
It was me who pushed her back, saying that we can't have sex on the first date, because from experience, sex on the first date never ended well for me, as far as longevity/respect in the relationship went. I don't respect women who do it on the first, and I didn't want to look at Gina as just a fling.
From the get go, I wanted something more with her.
And for the first while, I got that. I got so much more than I expected.
She brought me small gifts, gave me back and foot massages, made me dinner a few times. She was affectionate, enthusiastic, and such a giving, beautiful human being who loved her children. Who had a lot to offer.
And, I remember one evening while speaking about her out loud during my nightly prayer/conversation with Whoever Is Out There; I remember thinking that it felt like I didn't "earn" Gina. That I somehow didn't deserve someone as good as her. Because, I didn't throw myself into the relationship as much as she did. I held back. I expected the worse to happen, like it always has happened with the many girls I've dated/been with.
And it took nearly six months, for that "worst" to happen.
And.. I respect Gina now. I couldn't get why she would be so into me before, I couldn't understand it. Not only did she make me feel like I haven't "earned" her, but she made me suspicious. She put me on edge, a bit.
And now, that edge is gone. My fear is gone. My suspicions erased.
She was what she always was.
A kind, beautiful human being.
Not a liar, like the rest were.
I was .. not wrong to be suspicious. My heart has been broken and repaired more times than I can count. And I didn't want this to happen again with her.
I didn't.. (sighs).. want her to .. I didn't think she would break up with me through text. And being how into me she was, I didn't think it would have happened so suddenly like it did.
Especially, not through text.
And I can't beat myself up over this. No, I didn't put my best foot forward with her, and she did. But, I.. given my history, I really couldn't have done it any other way. There was no moment really, where I could say that I wished something was done differently. Apart from the last time I seen her, I could only be who I was at the time.
A man scared to death of yet another girl coming around to break his heart.
That's all I was. A coward, I guess.
A suspicious coward.
I once told Gina, that I didn't know how to "act" in a relationship with a genuinely good person. And, that's what I realized I had been doing the entire time with her. Acting. I wasn't truly myself, and I was working at keeping a facade going, until it got to the point where it was too exhausting to keep up.
Such a long story... I don't think I need to describe all the ways and moments where I held myself back from being a good boyfriend to her, because I couldn't.. I didn't want to make myself too vulnerable. And I was also scared, that she would interpret my vulnerabilities as a sign of weakness. That my.. value as a human being, would greatly diminish if she knew exactly what my fears and concerns were. I was.. scared of showing that side of myself to her, because..
Well, because.. I'm not.. proud of how my life has been up to this point. And unloading it all, would not be something I'd want to do to someone like her. I don't want to burden her with negativity, even though it has been a big part of my life up to now. All these bad experiences had made me into the man I am today.
So, I pretended like it didn't exist. That.. these feelings, that darkness inside of me wasn't worth acknowledging. That all those years of bullshit, and distrust, and heartbreak; didn't really matter.
But, they did matter.
And, still.. I'm back to thinking that I did only what I could have done with Gina. I couldn't unload all that on her. I couldn't trust her to stay with me, if I did tell her everything. If I really opened my heart up to her, would she still stay?
Would she still love me? Would she be able to love me, I mean?
I don't know.
Telling her I had a five month casual-sex relationship with a morbidly obese gal, wouldn't impress her in the least.
Telling her how I sat in a dark basement for three days next to the washing machine, sitting on a pile of laundry while I cried and cursed at God for having Lauren break up with me..
Well, she wouldn't have respected that.
I carved the word "love" into my left arm with a razor when I was 19 years old, because I really wanted a girlfriend. I was so depressed, that I resorted to visualization and du.. it doesn't matter.
Gina wouldn't have liked to know that about me.
I hated my job. She wouldn't have wanted to know that either.
(sighs)
I only did what I could. I.. do have regrets that we didn't do more together. That we didn't take a trip anyplace. That we didn't have enough conversations, and instead resorted to "watching" movies at my place or hers, which really were flimsy excuses for us to have sex.
We.. didn't really bond together as much as we could have. My fear kept us from going out, because I felt that I might screw up somehow.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter, because she's not around any more.
My love..
(sighs)
I have.. an idea left.
The email didn't work. And I don't know if she listened to the cd..
But.. fuck, man. Even this new idea is dumb.
But, I don't want to give up on her either.. I want to remind her that I am still in love with her. I want her to know that I still think about her.
So, I have to wait another month before I can execute this new idea of mine.
Anyways..
Yesterday, I bought a fog machine.
Bedroom now looks like this, at night:
And.. through all these things I'm doing with decorating, and buying new shit, all I can think of is how much Gina would like all that.
A common thought that reoccurs with me is, "if only Gina could see this."
Part of me still wants to impress her. Even though she's gone. Long gone.
I think.. I want to be ready. In case she comes back, or in case I meet someone new who is as good or better than her.
I want to be ready, this time.
I will always be honest, from now on.
I am not going to be selling anyone a "lemon" by withholding information about what's wrong with me.
My potential girlfriend, deserves to know upfront.
Or, eventually, anyways. Within the first few months.
I can't "act" anymore.
I can only be me.
Mom's retirement party tonight. I still have to finish her photo collage frame. Good thing I'm up early.
Life goes on.
