It's been a tough go of it lately. I don't like neglecting my blog, because I need to write down certain thoughts before I might forget them. I need to be able to learn from what I have been thinking about, these past few days.
I haven't mentioned my visit with Gynger on Sunday, and what I learned from spending the night at her place.
I haven't mentioned the 2nd guy at work who surprised me with his infidelity, and admits to cheating on his wife. Not to mention, that it's the supposedly devout Muslim guy who confessed it to me.
I want to make sure I get these things down, so as I go ahead, I can keep a fresh mind that is unburdened and able to make room for newer, better thoughts than the ones I am having right now.
This morning, as I got up, I recalled two dreams that intrigued me. But because I didn't go to write them down right away, most of the details have been lost.
The first one, involved Georgina. Surprise. Inside of this dream, I was going to someone's home to meet Georgina's kids. As I enter, I see Gina sitting on the couch, kind of keeping a neutral expression on her face as I enter. Inside of another room, was her son Cash, who I introduced myself to.
"Hey, so you're Cash! You have the coolest name in the entire house."
And Cash laughed.
Details are scare, but that's about it. There was an odd couple that later arrived who sat across from the couch that Gina was sitting on. A long-haired blond hippy man with a scruffy beard, and another woman with him. No one bothered to acknowledge one another. It had this strange sort of David Lynch vibe going on. Very Twin Peaks.
Second dream was a funny one involving reanimated dead people, aka zombies. As I thought later on about this dream, I realized it would make for a pretty interesting short story if I choose to attempt it. But the plot of it was a train that would mysteriously appear out of thin air, in a small town somewhere, and run through a section of their train platform, before disappearing into the night. Inside, the spirits of dead ancestors and parents, and families are inside, looking at the living bystanders with ghastly expressions.
Until one day, the train doesn't run through the station like it normally does. Instead, on this particular day, the train stopped. Much to the confusion of those that are watching it's arrival.
And then.. The doors open, and the dead come back to life. Chaos ensue.
That's it. Pretty interesting one I had there. I'm not going to try and figure out what the Gina dream means, other than to accept it as an expression of my wanting to meet one of her sons.
But, I keep reminding myself that I can't. I can't keep these kind of hopes alive.
My life would be a miserable one, if I attached so much importance to a woman who I may never see again.
So.. it's.. been terrible trying to reconcile all this within myself.
Reason tells me to be free. To keep dignity intact and be proud of who I am. It tells me to use Gina as a learning experience, so that when the next great girl comes into my life, I'll be ready to sweep her off her feet.
And yet...
Introducing.. (swipes away red curtains)
My heart. My heart doesn't listen to reason. My heart wants Georgina back. Badly. And it is constantly telling me that it would be a mistake, if I should simply do nothing about these feelings I'm having for her. Like.. It's telling me that I should leave her those scarecrows in a few weeks. Or to send her an email to invite her to come have breakfast with me. Or to text her, and ask how is she doing. My heart is this torrential creative force raging inside of me, coming up with new ideas and schemes and ways of getting her back. Never letting me forget what it's #1 priority is.
And I know.
But, I can't do both. I can't be .. rational and still in love with this woman, can I?
Is that what my life is going to be? A long parade of sadness as I carry through the storm with a flickering candle in my hand, determined to keep the flame alive and fearful of it going out, because once it does, so will I.
And..
I learned from Gyngie. that I realized what a proper relationship between two lovers should be, as I stroked her hair, her cheeks and lightly massaged her head while she fell asleep with her head in my lap.
I didn't get to do much of that with Gina.
I.. wasn't as loving then, as I am now.
So.. I have to remember that, the next time around. Remember that fear I have with new girlfriends, has to be accounted for as quickly as possible, before it is necessary for me to give myself completely to her.
Because, that's what real love is. You give yourself over so completely, but keeping the tiniest bit of your soul still alive, so that it may regenerate itself and become something stronger, and much wiser than it used to be. It grows you. Love will grow, as you give it. It is like giving the world the branches off your tree, and then growing back to be taller and wider than before.
Yeah.. Forgot where I'm going with this.
But.. I'm going to have a smoke. And then it's music time as a beautifully kaleidoscopic laser light show plays across my ceiling.
From beauty, truth will reveal itself.
Eventually, I hope.
We'll see.
Mwah. Baby doll.
I'm not sure what to do now.
