What a strange and unusual transformation it has been. Today, at work, bored out of my mind, I acquired myself insightful revelations about why the relationship I've had with Gina, resulted in it being terminated the way it was.
I wasn't true to myself. To who I am.
A man.
I have always been a man, and by man I don't mean gender, I mean spirit. The soul that is in me.
I basically lost touch with my masculinity. That's likely to be a strong factor in the decision to end things, wouldn't it?
And I would agree with that assessment, thanks in large part to the bit of interaction I've had with my co-worker Matthew, last shift.
Matthew is from Calgary, 36 years old, married 3 years -> been with the same girl for 9.
And... he openly confesses to cheating on his wife.
To me, anyways. Which was interesting.. Very interesting that someone would confide in me like this. Something that I take extremely seriously, and would not permit even the brief bit of entertaining my mind as far as cheating goes. Except under the most rarest of circumstances, there is no good reason to ever cheat on your wife, or girlfriend, for husband/boyfriend. None. Unless that is the mutually agreed upon nature of the relationship, as to monogamy being completely optional.
But, most of us don't want to be in open relationships or expect anything less than monogamy from our partners. Otherwise, we go, we divorce, we leave once we find out we've been cheated on. Most of the time, anyways.
So, as I was saying, Matthew started off my gradual train of thought that lead me to an interesting inner-discussion about the importance of being true to myself. Meaning, to embrace and express my masculinity.
Again, I am a man. Always have been. Always will.
But, when I am with a girl that I really like, who I'm terrified of losing; I change into a different person. I become less of a man, and more like a clingy female, while then the relationship dynamic shifts from me being a "man" and her having to play the "man" role, in the relationship.
And that's not fun for anyone to have to do.
Imagine if someone meets you for the first time, and you both decide that you would want to start a relationship. Imagine the expectations that are exchanged, based on the limited interaction that most people allow, before sex enters the picture.
Usually, in the early stages, it is made apparent on a subliminal level for a man to expect to be a man, and a woman, a woman. Now, again, not talking genders, but roles. Expectations.
Almost always, a woman wants her man to be the dominant one in the relationship, while she enjoys the part of the submissive.
Not in all areas of life, of course, but in the areas that count. Such as the quality of the relationship. The longevity of it.
It's important that we stay true, to our nature. And to not ever allow society, to dictate what sort of man or woman you should have to be.
Because, those images that are advertised to us, are often false.
Being a man, is a complex thing to discuss, which I won't do right at this moment. There's a lot of thought involved in the definition of what constitutes a man, and what sort of characteristics a man who remains "true" to themselves; would often possess.
So, I won't get into that side of the argument.
As I was listening to Matthew tell me about how he signed up on Plenty of Fish to cheat on his wife; quite a few thoughts were going through my head. He later confessed to me also, that his wife is the clingy type, and that she hates it when he works out of town, because she's somewhat afraid that he is going to cheat.
And, he is.
And to him, it's really, "so what?"
So, what.
Hmm. That's where my train of thought began it's journey onwards over most of the shift. Like putting together a puzzle, I busied my mind in trying to assemble a picture that was made up of pieces that I have been collecting for a long time, but couldn't quite make sense of.
Until today, really, when Matthew taught me how he sees himself as a man.
And I've got to admit, he is one. Not the right kind of man, I'd say, but a man, nonetheless.
See, there are two kinds of "man" out there. The one that uses any means necessary, in order to secure what they want from life. And the other, is the man who lives by his inner code, of which is just, rightful, honest, and kind. So, man #1 and man #2.
And then, there are those who do not act like men at all, and they are often best paired up with a woman who is headstrong and dominant, the reverse of their diminished natures.
Nothing wrong with that, but again, it's all about early expectations.
When two people meet for the first time, it is communicated on a subconscious what each other's expectations are, and the expectation of being honest and true to oneself; is one of the unexpressed agreements that is made in the background of early interactions.
So, in my case with Georgina, I had broken the promise I made to her of me being a man, and her being a woman.
Because, as our relationship progressed; I became less and less of a man, where she had to become more of one; so that we could balance each other out. Like it was at the beginning of when we've met.
I get it now.
When I first made the connection, it came from thinking about what a "man" is really supposed to be in this day and age. And a few recollections of various ideas and facts, regarding the nature of masculinity; is what got the ball rolling for me tonight.
Yep. I should make a new list of "the things I did wrong with Georgina" and really pinpoint all the stuff I need to improve and work on myself with.
For instance, I should learn to be more decisive. There were times when I could have easily made any kind of decision, and Georgina would gladly support me for making it. Right or wrong, as long as I'm standing by the honesty and integrity of who I am. A righteous man, who's mistakes are easily forgiven; but only if he carries forth genuinely good intentions, each step of his way.
And, that's not what I did. Those good intentions of mine, clouded over, the longer I was with Gina. It almost felt like a gradual easing of a tide, that is causing the shore to expose itself. Exposing.. I'm not sure.. my true nature?
Something that is less of a man?
But, not good enough to be labelled as one?
Perhaps.
Maybe, that is what I inadvertently communicated to Gina.
This lack of faith in staying true to my nature, and being man #2.
The man #2, she's been wanting to find.
A good, righteous, and proud human being who strives to live a just and honorable life. By a respected, governing code that all good men inevitably embraces. One way or the other.
But, she didn't get man #2.
She got me at something less.
And.. this is a new line of thought.. but I have to try and understand why it slipped, the way it did. Why did I change from who I really am, while I was with her?
And.. I haven't fully thought about this yet, but my theory is...
Hmm. Looks like I'll have to think of this theory on the spot, here...
One of my hunches, was fear. Fear of losing her, caused me to change in unwanted ways.
Let's roll with this one for a moment.
It was my fear of losing her, that might have prompted me to wear a mask. That fake, fictitious idea in my head of what I think a woman expects from her partner.
Because, that picture in my head is really not clear and easy to understand. It's difficult to know for sure, what I think a woman wants from a relationship.
But.. It's really simple. She wants a man to honor the truth of who he is. And she will promise the same.
That's it
Pretty easy to understand. No holes in this argument, I don't think. Other than the assumption expected to believe that a subliminal message and understanding passed between two people. Sure, that sort of thing can't be measured, but so much of communication is non-verbal, that this fact alone entails an assumption based on weight of scientific discoveries.
A man is supposed to be a man, and a woman is supposed to be a woman.
Not by gender.. But by heart.
So.. it took my co-worker a bit of conversation about how he is married, and his wanting to cheat; before I could come to these ideas of mine.
Pfbt. No WONDER why the relationships that I don't take very seriously; are the ones that often the most successful I've been in.
It's not because I didn't "care" about the person I was with. But, because I didn't feel like I had to put on a fake mask, in the same way I did with Gina.
And, it's not really a mask, but more like a.. locked door that I kept teasing her with wanting to see what's inside.
Inside that locked door, was my fear. A fear that I was so terrified of revealing, that I couldn't find courage or faith enough in my girlfriend to listen to and share with me the pain of how great my fear is, in certain situations.
For instance, I greatly fear the pain of being broken up with. I have such a hard time recovering from rejection, that it's like my soul resembles a piece of Swiss cheese, covered in holes I have to patch.
But.. Hmm. It's not important enough that I now understand this little (big?) piece of the puzzle in regards to being broken up with; it's more important for me to try and construct a way, so that I won't be repeating this mistake again. With anyone else in the future.
I have to stay true to myself, no matter what. From the beginning, and on, once a new relationship is established with someone.
So.. I'm going to try and do my best to remember these particular conclusions I've come up with; and to make sure I don't forget any of them.
I suppose, "stay true to yourself" works just as well as, "be a man" does. They're both short, simple summations of complicated ideas and abstractions.
Hmm.
Stay true to myself.
Stay true to my nature.
No matter what.
And never stray.
Remember what Camus said, "to be happy, we must not be too concerned with others."
That means relationships, too.
I was too cautious and afraid of walking on the hot coals, that I inwardly promised to her that I would do.
And I didn't follow through.
And, she was staying true to herself. For the most part.
Hmmm.
Still need to think about all this some more. I'm understanding myself much better, and I hope that this wisdom will manifest itself when I need it most.
And all I would need, is to have faith in myself.
Faith.. Confidence..
Pretty close to the same thing.
I need the confidence of knowing myself to be worthwhile. And the faith of knowing, that there is something greater than all of mankind out there. Something that has existed for eternity. Endless ages. Something that is responsible for who we are, and why we are here.
God.. obviously. I have to believe in the principle of God.
Not the invisible old man with a long beard in the sky, but... what "God" actually is. My idea of who I feel him to be.
And, that's another long discussion right there, which I won't be attempting. I'm way too tired at the moment. And enjoying my kickass pair of new pajamas while I lay in bed listening to music.
Another idea that I should sometime discuss, is the idea of "hell" being on Earth. Something that one of my aunts had said to me over the phone, years ago.
That Earth, is what "hell" actually is.
And we need to basically do whatever we can, so that we can go to heaven, and avoid having to be reincarnated again on this planet.
Because, it's not a good one.
It's "hell", according to my aunt Sophie.
So.. that's interesting to think about...
Anyways, wrote enough. I still need to chew the fat off the masculinity argument, and whip it into lean shape for another time. I already have enough on my plate to deal with.
yeah.
I'm a man.
I should always keep on being one.
That's my job.
And what was expected of me.
.....
I'm leaning towards scarecrows, again. (sighs) .. Without any identification or clue as to who left it.
Just want to leave those scarecrows on the ground, and go. Contenting myself with the thought of knowing that I gave Gina something unexpected to appreciate seeing, while on her way to work.
Whether it does anything positive for her, is still something I'm thinking about without having made any definitive conclusions.
Maybe the scarecrows won't count. But maybe they will.
Still not sure if I should do it yet..
Anyways..
Time for bed.
