Insert Subject Here

Well, I'm sick. Taking last night off didn't seem to help much, neither did the new air purifier I got for my room. I even flipped the ionizing feature on.

It's been a long, long time since I was last sick. I honestly can't remember when that was, but I'm pretty sure it was over a year ago. I rarely catch anything.

But while I'm not too sick at the moment, I don't want to get any worse, either, hence the night off and I may have to call in sick for tonight as well. Which sucks, because..

Well.. in all honesty, it doesn't really suck. I like having time off. I like not having to work while I'm having mucus drip down the back of my throat and coughing up a storm. So, no big deal. But it sucks because I'm going to have a weak paycheque coming up, and I wasn't able to rally myself to go to work regardless of how I'm feeling. Guess those are the only two things that I'm feeling down about.

So.. Another new day. It's gloomy outside, really grey and sad looking. I slept decently enough. Managed to get myself around seven hours of sleep before my "Sleep for Android" app decided to wake me up at around 11:44am because it thinks its the "optimal" time for me to be getting up.

Hmm. Maybe it is. Seems pretty early to me, though.

Now, I'm going to have to figure out what to do with my day. Especially if I'm not going to work tonight. That means my weekend has started, and I'll be having tonight/Saturday & Sunday.. so three days off to do whatever.

Honestly, there's not much left to do around the house. Clean the garage. Put away the pieces of my old bed. Organize the office upstairs.

I know I'm not going to be playing video games all day. Or watching movies, like the old version of myself would be doing.

I know I'll be thinking of her, mostly. And feeling the fear that comes with every passing day that she will think less and less of me, as time marches on. And that the longer I wait, the worse my "chances" of us getting back together would be.

Man.. I have to figure this out. But I already know the answer.

I think.

No matter what, I have to carry on with my head held up high. No matter what I feel like doing, down the road. That's paramount. I have to have respect for myself.

If I don't believe in myself, then who else would?

My mother?

And why should she have to carry the torch?

Nah. It's up to me to find out what it is that I should be proud about, and if I can't figure it out, than I should work towards feeling that way.

I suppose..

Hmm.

I'm going to have to come up with a goal or two, and work at them every day.

I just don't know what my goal should be.

I can't make Georgina a goal. I shouldn't make any woman a goal.

So.. skip that.

Body mind soul and spirit.. I should get back into exercising, again. I've already lost 20lbs over the past few months. My appetite went downhill, shortly after she broke up with me.

I guess that's a good thing, I mean look at this.

A slightly older-ish photo, but that's not a bad body I've got there. Just need to work on the abs, chest and triceps more.

I'm not sure how to formulate a "goal" for improving myself physically. I don't know what the milestone would be. Or whether or not I really care about the incentive of having to go through the trouble, when I already look fine.

Hmph. I'm bored typing right now.

Miss her.

But..

Oh, well.

Got some books delivered in from Amazon today.

Guess I'll go read those.

Flawless Victory

Looking snazzy!

This totally reminds me of dad, now. That painting, that bed. I haven't laid down in it yet, but I'm already happy with the extra bit of height the bed now has, thanks to the new box spring.

It was a journey getting this all put together, for sure. Moving the pieces upstairs had me banging a few of them into the wall, and making little nicks in the paint. That kind of pissed me off. But it was all worth it in the end. I still remember hiding under this very bed when I was a child. It's filled with memories. Laying between my mom and dad at night, whenever I got scared. Always in awe of the "poles" that were attached, since I haven't seen any other bed in real life with these things on. Now I can have a hot chick use them for impromptu strip teases, which I'm very much looking forward to.

Also placed these flameless candles in the attached bathroom. They're snazzy too. Got them for around 30 bucks off of Amazon and the remote control works like a charm.

Definitely the right mood to take a bath with Georgina in.

Hah. I kill myself.

She did take a shower with me once.

Guess I'll go relive that memory.

In Truth, There Is Beauty

Decided to watch some TV tonight and checked my pre-recorded shows list.

Hello Goodbye - Second Chances. The description reads:

"People discuss their second chances in relationships."

I could only watch the first part, before I felt like I had my fill. It was great. There was this black guy and his daughter waiting at the airport for his white girlfriend who he planned on proposing marriage to. They both had signs made up, and the little girl kept the engagement ring in a box that she hid behind her back. He proposed, and she accepted.

It was touching. The emotions on his face, on hers, on the little girl. It was beautiful. It was love. And the way his girlfriend touched and hugged him after say yes.. well, it really swelled my heart. I wish..

I wish..

Yeah.

I'm really tired of talking about her. Thinking about her.. I already know that there's nothing more I can do. I bought her those Dolly tickets. Wrote her what was probably the most heartfelt email of my life. Showed her my vulnerable side by letting her visit the blog. Made her an incredible cd that I tried to give her twice.

I have to face the fact that I've done all I could. That soulmate or not, I can only continue to move forward in life and not stop and stand around wondering what is going to happen next.

Or whether I should do anything.

The choice is to let her go, or to hold onto her.

I.. don't want to do either.

And, I can't really do both. Not without causing me a great deal of suffering, like now.

I don't ever want to forget her. But.. if we are not meant to be, then I can't stay attached to her. I have to keep myself open and willing to receive whatever it is that the universe has in store for me.

If.. and I don't like being selfish, but if I make it to my deathbed without seeing her again or not ever finding a woman who loves me as much as I love her; then, I will...

I will be very upset.

Presuming I can be, once I pass from this earth.

As much as I already do believe in reincarnation and the after-life, and God and the "dao" and all such things; I still have to accept that my faith has let me down before. Many, many times.

Women, have let me down many times before too.

So..

I don't know.

Maybe there's a bigger picture I'm not able to see right now. I'm betting there is.

So not only do I have to decide between keeping her in my heart and letting her go; but I also have to decide between what it is that I want, and what I would actually be needing.

Because, I'm not able to know exactly what it is that I need from life. I think it's love, it's a woman; but maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's something else that I have little idea about.

That's destiny for ya. You never know what your role on this planet is supposed to be, until you fit inside of it like an old beat-up shoe. Then, you'll get to know who you really are.

So.. Assuming that my life has to serve some sort of purpose, I will then assume that what I have accomplished so far, is not the end of all I have to offer to this world.

I can do so much more.

With or without a woman, I can.. do w..

Well... I have suffered long enough to get to this point. To be completely honest and true; I will say that I've had enough of all this. I want some encouragement. Some sign, that I'm on the right track. That despite this struggling sadness, I will eventually find my way out and shine as brightly as the diamond I know I am.

Someday, I will make myself proud. And my mother. And my deceased father.

And maybe, that's my destiny.

A woman, can only complement this goal, not provide it. She can't become a goal.

No woman should ever become the goal of a man.

And yet, that is what seems to be happening with me.

And has been, for years now.

I've been doing it all wrong, I suppose. But I haven't wisdom enough to really know if all my mistakes are leading to something or someone better; or if I truly am unable to comprehend and realize my fullest potential without first finding the right person to be with.

But, that sort of thing is up to me. Not anyone else.

And I have to own up to the fact that I could be alone for years, and that sadness is a choice I'm making. It's a form of release, and shouldn't be a habit.

I have to stop it from becoming a habit.

It's okay to drip out a few tears now and then, but you shouldn't succumb to them. You shouldn't allow them to become a kind of blanket to wrap yourself up in.

They're residual. Transient. Temporary.

There is honor in tears. Only the truly corrupted, would be unable to cry or feel feelings of sadness and longing.

So then, a good man is allowed to cry.

And I know I am one. My sadness, my joy, my spirit and honesty is recognized and appreciated by many of the people I come across in my day to day life. Coworkers. Family. Friends. Cashiers. Strangers. Animals. Insects.

I still.. treat others with respect. And with whatever humor and empathy I'm able to share.

I'd like to say, that I will reap what I sow, but..

I guess it'll take time to prove that saying out.

Because I don't feel like anything is growing right now.

And it concerns me.

And I know that I must try to realize the best of who I am, and that if I never contact Georgina again; then I must first and foremost, be able to make peace with this request of hers.

Otherwise it'll kill me if I don't.

And making peace, is easier said than done.

Because how can I let her walk away?

And if I did do something, what could possibly change her mind about me? What could I do, that would improve my stature and gain for me a second chance in a relationship with her?

Absolutely nothing. There's nothing I can do that will convince her enough to know that I love her, and would do anything to have us back together. Even if I have convinced her of these things, she might still not want anything to do with me.

And despite my wanting to do something about this, I know that it'll be bad if I did. I promised I wouldn't contact her again, and I have to stick by that and show her that I mean business. And that I meant every word I said in my last email to her. I made a promise. It's in writing.

It's her turn.

It's up to her to believe. And if she doesn't believe me.. well.. I can't do anything about that. All I can do is continue to believe in myself. To develop faith in my character and to improve my life however way I can. To walk with my head held high and not make any apologies for who I was, am, and want to be.

Because the alternative, is not going to get me anywhere but inside of a dark hole that I may never be able to pull myself out from.

So.. patience.

Patience and faith.

And.. I need to keep my sense of humor.

For fuck's sake.

Time for some chocolate.

Before I finish putting together dad's bed upstairs.

I'm psyched to see how it will look.

It has poles.

(sighs)

In Beauty, I Shall Find Truth

Laying on my foam mattress, in my red-lighted bedroom, with the red laser going overhead, the night off from work and Bon Iver's "Holocene" on my headphones; it's bliss.

It's been a tough go of it lately. I don't like neglecting my blog, because I need to write down certain thoughts before I might forget them. I need to be able to learn from what I have been thinking about, these past few days.

I haven't mentioned my visit with Gynger on Sunday, and what I learned from spending the night at her place.

I haven't mentioned the 2nd guy at work who surprised me with his infidelity, and admits to cheating on his wife. Not to mention, that it's the supposedly devout Muslim guy who confessed it to me.

I want to make sure I get these things down, so as I go ahead, I can keep a fresh mind that is unburdened and able to make room for newer, better thoughts than the ones I am having right now.

This morning, as I got up, I recalled two dreams that intrigued me. But because I didn't go to write them down right away, most of the details have been lost.

The first one, involved Georgina. Surprise. Inside of this dream, I was going to someone's home to meet Georgina's kids. As I enter, I see Gina sitting on the couch, kind of keeping a neutral expression on her face as I enter. Inside of another room, was her son Cash, who I introduced myself to.

"Hey, so you're Cash! You have the coolest name in the entire house."

And Cash laughed.

Details are scare,  but that's about it. There was an odd couple that later arrived who sat across from the couch that Gina was sitting on. A long-haired blond hippy man with a scruffy beard, and another woman with him. No one bothered to acknowledge one another. It had this strange sort of David Lynch vibe going on. Very Twin Peaks.

Second dream was a funny one involving reanimated dead people, aka zombies. As I thought later on about this dream, I realized it would make for a pretty interesting short story if I choose to attempt it. But the plot of it was a train that would mysteriously appear out of thin air, in a small town somewhere, and run through a section of their train platform, before disappearing into the night. Inside, the spirits of dead ancestors and parents, and families are inside, looking at the living bystanders with ghastly expressions.

Until one day, the train doesn't run through the station like it normally does. Instead, on this particular day, the train stopped. Much to the confusion of those that are watching it's arrival.

And then.. The doors open, and the dead come back to life. Chaos ensue.

That's it. Pretty interesting one I had there. I'm not going to try and figure out what the Gina dream means, other than to accept it as an expression of my wanting to meet one of her sons.

But, I keep reminding myself that I can't. I can't keep these kind of hopes alive.

My life would be a miserable one, if I attached so much importance to a woman who I may never see again.

So.. it's.. been terrible trying to reconcile all this within myself.

Reason tells me to be free. To keep dignity intact and be proud of who I am. It tells me to use Gina as a learning experience, so that when the next great girl comes into my life, I'll be ready to sweep her off her feet.

And yet...

Introducing.. (swipes away red curtains)

My heart. My heart doesn't listen to reason. My heart wants Georgina back. Badly. And it is constantly telling me that it would be a mistake, if I should simply do nothing about these feelings I'm having for her. Like.. It's telling me that I should leave her those scarecrows in a few weeks. Or to send her an email to invite her to come have breakfast with me. Or to text her, and ask how is she doing. My heart is this torrential creative force raging inside of me, coming up with new ideas and schemes and ways of getting her back. Never letting me forget what it's #1 priority is.

And I know.

But, I can't do both. I can't be .. rational and still in love with this woman, can I?

Is that what my life is going to be? A long parade of sadness as I carry through the storm with a flickering candle in my hand, determined to keep the flame alive and fearful of it going out, because once it does, so will I.

And..

I learned from Gyngie. that I realized what a proper relationship between two lovers should be, as I stroked her hair, her cheeks and lightly massaged her head while she fell asleep with her head in my lap.

I didn't get to do much of that with Gina.

I.. wasn't as loving then, as I am now.

So.. I have to remember that, the next time around. Remember that fear I have with new girlfriends, has to be accounted for as quickly as possible, before it is necessary for me to give myself completely to her.

Because, that's what real love is. You give yourself over so completely, but keeping the tiniest bit of your soul still alive, so that it may regenerate itself and become something stronger, and much wiser than it used to be. It grows you. Love will grow, as you give it. It is like giving the world the branches off your tree, and then growing back to be taller and wider than before.

Yeah..  Forgot where I'm going with this.

But.. I'm going to have a smoke. And then it's music time as a beautifully kaleidoscopic laser light show plays across my ceiling.

From beauty, truth will reveal itself.

Eventually, I hope.

We'll see.

Mwah. Baby doll.

I'm not sure what to do now.

Moving Goalposts

Wish I had more time to do a proper and thoughtful blog entry, but I'm running short on time and have to pick up dinner and my new box spring mattress.

Well, looks like the small coincidences are still ongoing. Just when I thought they've gone for a while, a couple new ones have come to surprise me.

Last night at work, we had an hour long "safety" meeting with a guest speaker, who was a former ironworker that suffered an accident on site and is now doing talks like this, telling people about his experience with a work-related injury and how it came to be.

One of the things I took away from this, was the power of belief. How important it is, and how useful it can be. Another, is that work is not "life". Something I've believed for a while, but haven't had anyone really come out and say it. Work is not life, we work to live, we don't live to work.

Second coincidence, had to do with my flipping through a David Deiadra (sp) that came in the mail, regarding how to achieve sexual fulfillment. I had been impressed with his book "The Way of the Superior Man" when I picked it up at the library months ago, and sadly did not put into practise as much as I would've liked with Georgina; so I ordered in a copy of that to go along with the sexual enlightenment book that he also had written.

Flipping through, I came across an anecdote about a man who was in an accident and used the power of belief (and yoga, etc) to recover and realize his potential.

It was an interesting story, and now I realize that I do have this same capability that these two men are wanting to express the merits of to others. The power of belief. The belief that I can change, and become a better man than I am now, is entirely possible, should I work at it.

That's the thing. Working at it is tough, because now that I'm working six days a week, ten hours a night and feeling tired by the time I get home; there's not much left in the tank for me to work with.

But, I can still try.

I'm going to be thinking about this stuff during slow moments at work, and hope I can come across ideas for how to integrate these words of wisdom into my everyday life. The big one, is to simply breathe. That's David Deiadra's suggestion. Inhalation equates an intake of energy and vitality, whereas exhalation is a letting go, a surrender. Both actions demand a form of commitment, in order to experience their benefits fully. One must learn to be attentive and mindful.

So again.. It comes back to mindfulness, but with the addition of being open and secure in yourself enough to breathe fully and to exhale correctly.

It's .. not exactly complicated New Age mumbo jumbo, because I know what David is trying to say in his book. I know it innately, and I only need to be reminded of its importance and to feel inspired by the effects of putting it into conscious practice.

Basically, it comes back to mindfulness with a few extra other things in the mix.

I really understand what is being asked of me, and what I should do, but it's like.. almost a kind of.. apathy when it comes to acting upon the wisdom that is already inside of me. Maybe not apathy, but.. something else. Some other kind of blockage.

Maybe I'm just not convinced enough to try these things. Although I know they work.

Hmm.

I gave a hug to a girl at work last year, that left her remarking about how impressive it was. A week later, she was being bitchy and hyper in a room with other guys, but came to give me a hug at the end, and it wasn't the same as it was the first time. It wasn't very good. And I realize now that it had to do with how open I was feeling. How much of my heart was out there, unguarded, and willing to embrace/touch whoever I would come across.

So.. It's really about mindfulness, letting go, trusting in myself and expressing the depths of my being.

And inside my depths, is a huge swirling pool of love and compassion.

And wisdom. And other things.

So.. I really only need to trust in myself.

And constantly keep myself reminded as to what my goals are, and to work towards them. Whether it's by action, or thought, or visualization, or mantras.. There are ways, and I only need to figure out which approach is going to suit me best, and what goals I want to achieve most.

I already know what goal I want to achieve, but.. I don't know if it's possible.

Yeah. I want her back.

How can I make that my goal?

I can't do anything.

But, I can make myself deserving of finding someone like her again.

So, maybe that will be it.

Make myself into someone worthwhile.

Irresistible.

Sexy.

Kind.

Smart.

Gentle.

Wise.

Compassionate.

Spiritual.

Loving.

Fun.

Strong.

All these words.. I'd like to be able to realize the best of them. To integrate them into who I am, so that I can one day sound off each of those words, and know that they describe me perfectly.

And then, to take solace in that achievement. To know that I am these things, and that they are what I have to offer the right lady who comes along.

Whether it's Carolyn.

Or someone else.

It won't matter.

Because, birds of feather, flock together. Like attracts like.

And, inevitably, I will attract the right one.

Because...

(sighs)

Well..

We'll see how this goes.

I can't.. force myself to believe something that might not come true.

Yeah.. my goal right now really, is to have her back.

But how?

If I can't physically do anything for her. If I can't communicate with her. If I can't leave stuff at her door, or at work, or those scarecrows..

What's left?

What will the approach be?

Maybe the solution is to not have an approach, and instead, work on myself and to have faith.

Maybe she will come back, somehow.

Maybe she won't.

But.. In the meantime, I still have to live with myself.

Alone, and sad. And confused. And uncertain.

And, I shouldn't have to live that way.

Just because of her.

So..

I won't.

And now..

A new day begins.

The Sun Rises To Eternity

It's tough.

I really want to write a long blog entry, but I'm way too tired after work to try.

Been thinking of her less, last night, but the beginning of the shift was hell.

Had a couple "Oh God" moments, where she popped in, but those are occurring less frequently now.

I don't want to give up.

But I have to.

And..

I'm not even sure if I have to.

But all the signs are pointing to it..

I'm tired.

I'm going to bed.

Updated my chalkboard, from this

To this.

I feel like such a loser.

But.. I'll try, Mr. Chalkboard. I'll try and take you seriously.

What have I got to lose?

Bleh

Cried twice.

I woke up at 440pm, went outside for a smoke, cried.

Read my latest blog entry a few minutes ago, cried.

Not cry, cried. But.. Just those miserable tiny little tears that I can't quite suppress.

Oh, God...

I'm having such a hard time letting her go.

And.. I know I have to.

But I feel like I shouldn't.

And.. although I feel as if I'm ready to be the man she deserves, I don't *know* that for sure. Feeling and knowing are two different things.

I can't just go by feelings.

I need to be rational.

My heart screams at me to do something, anything, to get her back.

But my mind is telling me to forget her, to move on.

And..

I know I can ..

(sighs)

I know I can move on.

Eventually.

But..

It's so hard.

I probably will be leaving her those scarecrows..

I don't know what the fuck am I supposed to do.

But I know that I can't do everything.

It's her turn.

So..

All I can do is have patience and courage enough to wait.

For what? I don't know.

Her.

Or someone else.

Or nobody.

But..

Life goes on.

I have to leave for work soon, here.

And it'll be another night.

And I'll return to my empty and beautiful home later on, to sleep and then wake up to do this all over again.

That's life.

I need to focus on it. Making money is important. I've got debt I need to clear up.

More important than.. (sighs) a relationship, right now.

I can only wait, as far as that goes.

And hope.

Hope for mercy.

And..

(sighs)

Believe in something greater than myself.

Because it is out there.

And it is watching.

So..

I'm going to stand tall.

And..

Continue to try and learn from all this.

I need to.. earn, Georgina.

And.. that means I need to make myself into someone that she can't possibly turn down.

That means different things.

Writing. Working. Exercising. Quitting smoking. Getting hearing aids.

There's a list of things I can do to improve myself.

And I should be making time for those goals.

I want to live with my head held up high.

So that if I ever do see her again.

Then I will know that I have won.

A woman should never.. won't ever.. break me.

The heartache I feel, is by choice and my choice alone.

It can only be resolved by me.

And..

My new calendar arrived in the mail from Amazon today.

It's perfect.

It Doesn't Really Matter

(sighs)

It's been quite an illuminating past couple of days. Lots of little epiphanies and realizations that I've come to have regarding my feelings about Gina.

The big one, is the one I've had this morning, as I was having a cigarette.

I realized, that Gina just doesn't care.

She doesn't.

She didn't care that I left flowers at her doorstep. Made her an incredible mix cd and tried to give it to her twice, with her throwing it away the first time, and who knows what, the second.

If she even listened to the cd, she still doesn't care enough about how amazing it turned out to be.

So, she doesn't care that I love her. As I've confessed in the email I've sent.

Didn't care enough to respond, anyways.

Probably never will, either.

No, "hey.. I miss you.." letter, email or text.

No chance of having her show up at my front door, with that smile of hers.

She doesn't care enough to do either.

She never will. No matter what I try to do. Whether it's leaving a nice halloween greeting in the form of three scarecrows on the side of the street she drives to work on, or whether it's in the form of another tearfully written email.

Nothing will work, and she won't care.

And that scarecrow idea is nuts. I shouldn't go with it. I won't.

Because, she definitely will not care, once I do that.

And things will be much worse than it is now.

I can't .. see her again. I won't.

I'll have to .. go on without her, and hope that everything will turn out fine.

Somehow.

For her, and for me.

But.. I'd rather it would be her and me. I don't want her to be with anyone else, and neither do I.

I.. would be happy with her.

And, with my heart the way it is now.. I... think she would be happier with me.

That's.. what I hope for, anyways. But..

I can't bring myself to believe that she would care.

My words will never change her mind.

No matter what I type.

No matter what other clever means I have of contacting her, without emailing, texting, phoning or leaving letters.

All that is nuts. I'm nuts for thinking I might have the slimmest of chances of her being interested in me again. Like she once was.

I still.. (sighs) I need to write on here about the day we first met. I have to get these memories written down.

Somehow, this will all be important. To who, and for what? I don't know.

And I don't care, either.

Just like Georgina doesn't care, and will never care.

She's beyond my reach, now.

I have to respect the distance between us, and to pray that there will still be good times yet to come for me in the future.

I have to place hope in myself first, before it can go anywhere else. To anyone else.

For anyone else.

Including her.

So.. This again comes back to what I said are some of the things that I have learned from dating Georgina.

Honor yourself above all others.

You were and are a prize, for the right woman to come along and enjoy being spoiled with.

You are a fantastic person, and there will be others yet to come who are equally as fantastic as you are. You just need to be patient and have faith that such a thing could be possible. Because it is.

It is absolutely possible.

And if you can imagine it inside your mind well enough, that beautiful possibility will come to bear ripe fruit. That the sweetness of having dignity for one self, will always heal your soul far better and with compassion in a way that another human being can never provide. Should never have the pressure of providing.

Have respect in yourself David, and you will do just fine.

You're already a fantastic person. In the last three months, you've evolved beautifully in such a short amount of time. It's impressive, and incredible. Something that is rarely done or seen.

So.. leave her alone, David. She doesn't care about you. You tried your best, and there is nothing left for you to do, but to...

Pay respect to the distance between you two.

It is there for a reason, and the temptation to cross at its boundaries; has severe consequences.

For both you, and her. The woman you claim to love.

And perhaps you are, and perhaps you aren't; regardless, your ex-girlfriend doesn't care about getting back together, or wanting to take your words and intent seriously.

She just doesn't care.

She made that plain, in the last conversation between the two of you over the phone; where she spoke in a hostile tone.

But, she also laughed at my octopus comparison, so maybe..

Geez, it doesn't matter anyways. Nothing of what I've done, or can do will matter to her enough to care.

I'm going to have to..

Suffer being without her.

And live in hopeful faith of better times ahead.

No matter how long it may take.

Even until death.

So.. (sighs) ..

Her cd is on right now, and I'm exhausted from last night. Not because of my actual job, but because I always get really tired towards the end of my shift. I yawn like crazy.

So, I'm in bed and about to clock out for the day.

Highlight of the day for me at work, was this cute girl who smiled and said hello to me as I passed by her in the walkway. I was pretty excited by that gesture, that when I asked my partner if he noticed; and he said yes.

"Yeah, I saw that. She got you standing at attention there."

Heh. I did feel like I was given a nice bit of validation as to my general attractiveness. It almost felt as if I was flirted with.

So thats good.

Right?

It's a start, anyways.

Hopefully... onto better things.

Soon.

(sighs) so tired..

Off I go.

The Morning After

You know that feeling of waking up after an evening of drunken debauchery, and the guilt that usually comes of it?

Yeah, so, that was my blog post last night, or this morning rather; that is making me feel a little guilty.

Looking it over, I realize how much I ramble around without making enough clear points. I blame being tired and stoned for that.

But, I still got the gist of what I was attempting to communicate last night.

I have to stay true to my nature.

Women come, and women go. As fantastic a woman as Georgina is, she can't be the only woman on all of Earth to possess the qualities that I most look for in a loving partner.

I'm sure there are many, many others like her out there.

But, how I will find them, I don't know.

That takes me back to being patient and having faith, once again.

See, I'm a believer in what New Agers like to call, "the Law of Attraction" which is the idea of a world that conspires to make things happen in your favor, simply from the power of thought and belief.

Coincidences, are a result of the law of attraction. We're in the right place, at the right time and meeting the right person to learn the right lesson.

I believe that the butterfly effect exists. That our thoughts and beliefs are like tossing a pebble into a pond, leaving a ripple that goes on to affect other people's thoughts/beliefs and causing small, micro-changes across a wide spectrum of humanity, leading to things like coincidences and a changing of consciousness. Both mine, and that of others.

Birds of feather, flock together, as they say.

Like, attracts like.

I have to admit, that I've seen my fair share of this phenomenon in action. Somehow, people find each other. Inexplicably. Across both the physical world, and across the digital expanse of the internet.

However it happens, the teacher always appears whenever the student is ready.

The "teacher" can be one person, with only one lesson to learn from; but that person is a teacher, nonetheless.

Now that I've made this connection, I can breathe a little easier, knowing that its only a matter of time before my next lesson comes. Because, I still have much to learn. I've been gradually tip-toeing my way to understanding who I am, and what I must be, but I'm not all the way there yet.

I know now, that while Gina and I deserve each other; I was not ready for her.

I didn't earn her, either. And it made my conquest a bit of a hollow victory, given how infatuated she was with me in the early stages of us being together. Because, I didn't do anything to earn the affection and interest she was showing me.

And, it was putting me off, to be honest. I didn't like being given something that I didn't work for. She was too easily taken for granted, and dismissed.

That's something I need to stay aware of. No matter how "into" me a woman can be, I still have to feel like I've earned her affections, and that I am expressing myself in the most honest and sincere way I can.

Because, victory is meaningless when it has been won without a single shot fired. Without struggle, or effort. There's no sense of satisfaction to have realized my greatest desire, without having to work for it.

And, interestingly, had I stayed true to my nature, I wouldn't really have had to work for it. I would feel deserving of Georgina. But.. I didn't stay true. I stayed scared. And uncertain.

And that affected me. And resulted in being broken up with.

(sighs) .. I don't like it when I start writing out half-baked thoughts and ideas, but.. there it is. I have this hazy image in my mind of knowing what it is I'm trying to communicate, but not being able to find the right words.

And the right inclination, since I don't feel obligated to have to clearly express these ideas, since I already have a good idea of them.

But, I imagine that down the road, sometime in the future -- someone will be reading my words, and learning from them. So, I should try at being as articulate as I can. Sloppy writing isn't going to help anyone.

Still, though. I'm back to work, and trying to enjoy what little is left of my free time. I can't devote it all to this blog, to writing, in general. I have a life to try and make the most of. There's more to it, than fussing over how well I'm writing in my blog.

But it feels good getting this all off my chest. Half-baked ideas, or not. At least I'm not as burdened by these thoughts as I used to be, before I started regularly updating this "man" diary of mine.

And.. it's interesting that I'm still keeping this updated. I'm grateful for having this place to spin my thoughts out on, and to test out new ideas and insights. 2016 has been a heck of a year for me. My father has passed away, there was Cassandra and Georgina, and the transformation that Gina inspired within me.

It's been a hell of a year so far.

Now.. I need to get myself back on track. Stay true to my nature, keep my sense of humor intact, keep standing tall.

Matter of fact, I wrote that on my chalkboard a few days ago.

So, yeah. The lessons are still ongoing. I'm still discovering what I need to know, before I can consider myself "ready" for another relationship. With Georgina, or with anyone else.

I've learned so much already, in these past few months. The importance of keeping a clean home, staying in the moment, being honest with myself, preserving good intentions and keeping faith without letting depression and despair have its way with me.

And now that I'm doing ten hours a day of night shift, six days a week; it's a challenge keeping my focus on self-development. But I continue to pay close attention to my surroundings, and my thoughts.

And that's something worth being proud of.

Long as I keep trying, I can never fail.

My determination to understand the why of who I am, is slowly paying off.

It's double-time Saturday, and I expect a cheque of no less than $2,200 for this week of work once I finish my shift tonight. That's a nice bit of money. There are guys I'm working with who are getting a living-out-allowance of a hundred and ten bucks a day, just to show up. So they are making even more money than I am, but I'm still making a fantastic amount for what I do.

I need to focus less on relationships right now, and more on work. Showing up on time, every day is going to help ease the debt I've accumulated over the years.

I want to pay off my credit card and line of credit. I have close to 25 grand that has to be paid off. A lot, I know.

But, it's not unreasonable to think that I could bring all that to under 15k by the time this job is over. And that's a very conservative aspiration.

I can do it, I just need to keep trying.

Keep pushing forward.

And being smart about how I'm managing my money.

No more spending sprees. All I have left for big purchases this year, is really only the brakes on my Jeep and changing out my transmission fluid/getting it flushed, etc. It's about 1,500$ in total expense just for the Jeep.

Everything else, I already have. I struggle to think of anything more that I need.

So, I'm set.

I can now tackle my debt, and take responsibility for my finances.

I can now move forward, with a goal in mind.

And perhaps, I should set other goals as well. Such as working out. Quitting smoking.

Those two are big ones. But I can achieve them. If I really want to.

So, we'll see how it goes in the next while.

As much as work sucks out the energy and creativity out of me; I can still find time to work on myself and improve my life.

Got my box spring already coming in next week. Other random stuff from Amazon to improve my house with, is still on the way.

Got to clean my car.

Hmm.

There's always something to do.

And now, I should go do them.

Peace.

Huh.

What a strange and unusual transformation it has been. Today, at work, bored out of my mind, I acquired myself insightful revelations about why the relationship I've had with Gina, resulted in it being terminated the way it was.

I wasn't true to myself. To who I am.

A man.

I have always been a man, and by man I don't mean gender, I mean spirit. The soul that is in me.

I basically lost touch with my masculinity. That's likely to be a strong factor in the decision to end things, wouldn't it?

And I would agree with that assessment, thanks in large part to the bit of interaction I've had with my co-worker Matthew, last shift.

Matthew is from Calgary, 36 years old, married 3 years -> been with the same girl for 9.

And... he openly confesses to cheating on his wife.

To me, anyways. Which was interesting.. Very interesting that someone would confide in me like this. Something that I take extremely seriously, and would not permit even the brief bit of entertaining my mind as far as cheating goes. Except under the most rarest of circumstances, there is no good reason to ever cheat on your wife, or girlfriend, for husband/boyfriend. None. Unless that is the mutually agreed upon nature of the relationship, as to monogamy being completely optional.

But, most of us don't want to be in open relationships or expect anything less than monogamy from our partners. Otherwise, we go, we divorce, we leave once we find out we've been cheated on. Most of the time, anyways.

So, as I was saying, Matthew started off my gradual train of thought that lead me to an interesting inner-discussion about the importance of being true to myself. Meaning, to embrace and express my masculinity.

Again, I am a man. Always have been. Always will.

But, when I am with a girl that I really like, who I'm terrified of losing; I change into a different person. I become less of a man, and more like a clingy female, while then the relationship dynamic shifts from me being a "man" and her having to play the "man" role, in the relationship.

And that's not fun for anyone to have to do.

Imagine if someone meets you for the first time, and you both decide that you would want to start a relationship. Imagine the expectations that are exchanged, based on the limited interaction that most people allow, before sex enters the picture.

Usually, in the early stages, it is made apparent on a subliminal level for a man to expect to be a man, and a woman, a woman. Now, again, not talking genders, but roles. Expectations.

Almost always, a woman wants her man to be the dominant one in the relationship, while she enjoys the part of the submissive.

Not in all areas of life, of course, but in the areas that count. Such as the quality of the relationship. The longevity of it.

It's important that we stay true, to our nature. And to not ever allow society, to dictate what sort of man or woman you should have to be.

Because, those images that are advertised to us, are often false.

Being a man, is a complex thing to discuss, which I won't do right at this moment. There's a lot of thought involved in the definition of what constitutes a man, and what sort of characteristics a man who remains "true" to themselves; would often possess.

So, I won't get into that side of the argument.

As I was listening to Matthew tell me about how he signed up on Plenty of Fish to cheat on his wife; quite a few thoughts were going through my head. He later confessed to me also, that his wife is the clingy type, and that she hates it when he works out of town, because she's somewhat afraid that he is going to cheat.

And, he is.

And to him, it's really, "so what?"

So, what.

Hmm. That's where my train of thought began it's journey onwards over most of the shift. Like putting together a puzzle, I busied my mind in trying to assemble a picture that was made up of pieces that I have been collecting for a long time, but couldn't quite make sense of.

Until today, really, when Matthew taught me how he sees himself as a man.

And I've got to admit, he is one. Not the right kind of man, I'd say, but a man, nonetheless.

See, there are two kinds of "man" out there. The one that uses any means necessary, in order to secure what they want from life. And the other, is the man who lives by his inner code, of which is just, rightful, honest, and kind. So, man #1 and man #2.

And then, there are those who do not act like men at all, and they are often best paired up with a woman who is headstrong and dominant, the reverse of their diminished natures.

Nothing wrong with that, but again, it's all about early expectations.

When two people meet for the first time, it is communicated on a subconscious what each other's expectations are, and the expectation of being honest and true to oneself; is one of the unexpressed agreements that is made in the background of early interactions.

So, in my case with Georgina, I had broken the promise I made to her of me being a man, and her being a woman.

Because, as our relationship progressed; I became less and less of a man, where she had to become more of one; so that we could balance each other out. Like it was at the beginning of when we've met.

I get it now.

When I first made the connection, it came from thinking about what a "man" is really supposed to be in this day and age. And a few recollections of various ideas and facts, regarding the nature of masculinity; is what got the ball rolling for me tonight.

Yep. I should make a new list of "the things I did wrong with Georgina" and really pinpoint all the stuff I need to improve and work on myself with.

For instance, I should learn to be more decisive. There were times when I could have easily made any kind of decision, and Georgina would gladly support me for making it. Right or wrong, as long as I'm standing by the honesty and integrity of who I am. A righteous man, who's mistakes are easily forgiven; but only if he carries forth genuinely good intentions, each step of his way.

And, that's not what I did. Those good intentions of mine, clouded over, the longer I was with Gina. It almost felt like a gradual easing of a tide, that is causing the shore to expose itself. Exposing.. I'm not sure.. my true nature?

Something that is less of a man?

But, not good enough to be labelled as one?

Perhaps.

Maybe, that is what I inadvertently communicated to Gina.

This lack of faith in staying true to my nature, and being man #2.

The man #2, she's been wanting to find.

A good, righteous, and proud human being who strives to live a just and honorable life. By a respected, governing code that all good men inevitably embraces. One way or the other.

But, she didn't get man #2.

She got me at something less.

And.. this is a new line of thought.. but I have to try and understand why it slipped, the way it did. Why did I change from who I really am, while I was with her?

And.. I haven't fully thought about this yet, but my theory is...

Hmm. Looks like I'll have to think of this theory on the spot, here...

One of my hunches, was fear. Fear of losing her, caused me to change in unwanted ways.

Let's roll with this one for a moment.

It was my fear of losing her, that might have prompted me to wear a mask. That fake, fictitious idea in my head of what I think a woman expects from her partner.

Because, that picture in my head is really not clear and easy to understand. It's difficult to know for sure, what I think a woman wants from a relationship.

But.. It's really simple. She wants a man to honor the truth of who he is. And she will promise the same.

That's it

Pretty easy to understand. No holes in this argument, I don't think. Other than the assumption expected to believe that a subliminal message and understanding passed between two people. Sure, that sort of thing can't be measured, but so much of communication is non-verbal, that this fact alone entails an assumption based on weight of scientific discoveries.

A man is supposed to be a man, and a woman is supposed to be a woman.

Not by gender.. But by heart.

So.. it took my co-worker a bit of conversation about how he is married, and his wanting to cheat; before I could come to these ideas of mine.

Pfbt. No WONDER why the relationships that I don't take very seriously; are the ones that often the most successful I've been in.

It's not because I didn't "care" about the person I was with. But, because I didn't feel like I had to put on a fake mask, in the same way I did with Gina.

And, it's not really a mask, but more like a.. locked door that I kept teasing her with wanting to see what's inside.

Inside that locked door, was my fear. A fear that I was so terrified of revealing, that I couldn't find courage or faith enough in my girlfriend to listen to and share with me the pain of how great my fear is, in certain situations.

For instance, I greatly fear the pain of being broken up with. I have such a hard time recovering from rejection, that it's like my soul resembles a piece of Swiss cheese, covered in holes I have to patch.

But.. Hmm. It's not important enough that I now understand this little (big?) piece of the puzzle in regards to being broken up with; it's more important for me to try and construct a way, so that I won't be repeating this mistake again. With anyone else in the future.

I have to stay true to myself, no matter what. From the beginning, and on, once a new relationship is established with someone.

So.. I'm going to try and do my best to remember these particular conclusions I've come up with; and to make sure I don't forget any of them.

I suppose, "stay true to yourself" works just as well as, "be a man" does. They're both short, simple summations of complicated ideas and abstractions.

Hmm.

Stay true to myself.

Stay true to my nature.

No matter what.

And never stray.

Remember what Camus said, "to be happy, we must not be too concerned with others."

That means relationships, too.

I was too cautious and afraid of walking on the hot coals, that I inwardly promised to her that I would do.

And I didn't follow through.

And, she was staying true to herself. For the most part.

Hmmm.

Still need to think about all this some more. I'm understanding myself much better, and I hope that this wisdom will manifest itself when I need it most.

And all I would need, is to have faith in myself.

Faith.. Confidence..

Pretty close to the same thing.

I need the confidence of knowing myself to be worthwhile. And the faith of knowing, that there is something greater than all of mankind out there. Something that has existed for eternity. Endless ages. Something that is responsible for who we are, and why we are here.

God.. obviously. I have to believe in the principle of God.

Not the invisible old man with a long beard in the sky, but... what "God" actually is. My idea of who I feel him to be.

And, that's another long discussion right there, which I won't be attempting. I'm way too tired at the moment. And enjoying my kickass pair of new pajamas while I lay in bed listening to music.

Another idea that I should sometime discuss, is the idea of "hell" being on Earth. Something that one of my aunts had said to me over the phone, years ago.

That Earth, is what "hell" actually is.

And we need to basically do whatever we can, so that we can go to heaven, and avoid having to be reincarnated again on this planet.

Because, it's not a good one.

It's "hell", according to my aunt Sophie.

So.. that's interesting to think about...

Anyways, wrote enough. I still need to chew the fat off the masculinity argument, and whip it into lean shape for another time. I already have enough on my plate to deal with.

yeah.

I'm a man.

I should always keep on being one.

That's my job.

And what was expected of me.

.....

I'm leaning towards scarecrows, again. (sighs) .. Without any identification or clue as to who left it.

Just want to leave those scarecrows on the ground, and go. Contenting myself with the thought of knowing that I gave Gina something unexpected to appreciate seeing, while on her way to work.

Whether it does anything positive for her, is still something I'm thinking about without having made any definitive conclusions.

Maybe the scarecrows won't count. But maybe they will.

Still not sure if I should do it yet..

Anyways..

Time for bed.

"My, where did you get that lovely spatula?"

Hmm.

Mmm, hmm.

So, a few small things I suppose. Looks like my buying spree has finally hit a wall, as I am struggling to think of things to purchase in order to improve my home. Last night, I ordered in fridge magnets and an Emoji pillow from Amazon. Today, I started looking for a color changing sphere, alarm clock and a dancing groot to put by my front door.

There's really nothing left for me to get. I have everything. Maybe some new light fixtures, but those can wait, as can the ceiling fan for my bedroom.

Yep. I'm ready for the winter. I'm ready to impress.. I was going to say my lady, but all ladies.. I suppose. Whoever comes by.

Got to still finish staining my back deck, but that's not too important, and the weather right now is crummy.

Hmm. Yeah.

Last night at work, I had a good conversation going with a Muslim guy named Mustafa, about some of my theories on spirituality. He brought up the discussion first, when I teased him about standing around doing nothing all day and remarking that he must have a heck of an imagination to keep himself occupied with. He did, he said, and we got into talking about the things he thinks about, which I found intriguing (and rare, among construction workers) to debate.

He firstly, did not believe in reincarnation and believed there would be a "day of judgement" at some point. I challenged him by asking about one-year old children who die early in life, and he says they are exempt from being judged. I asked about a five-year old, also exempt. He then says that "puberty" is the point where a living person is held accountable for their actions.

I scoffed, inwardly, but kept things civil and respectful.

We talked about stuff that I'm already familiar with, regarding Islam, and I tried to impress on him the idea that we can't find "Truth" in one book. Also that, nobody can ever tell you what Truth really is and that it's something we have to experience in order to find out, and that all the puzzle pieces are scattered across many different mediums and inside of people, etc. He was adamant about following the Koran to the letter; and I had to tell him that if he was born in Canada and was raised a Christian, then his worldview would be dramatically different than it is now. Just because you are born in a certain geographic location doesn't mean you have to believe in the exact same ideologies that indigenous people of that region would believe in. That's not seeking Truth. That's just being conditioned away from rational, free-thinking and personal exploration. You can't learn about how to ride a bike, and what a bike is for, until you're on one. I mean, you can learn about it, but knowledge can't ever eclipse the value of personal experience.

And.. what else is there..

Thought about the distinction between faith and confidence for a bit. I've settled on the idea that confidence is having faith in yourself, while faith is having confidence in things outside of yourself. Given how closely related such words are, I felt it was necessary to differentiate the two so that their meanings become more distinctive, and better understood. I was happy making this little discovery.

Hmm..

Yeah, I cried a bit this morning. But when I "cry" its really just one or two tears and a swelling of.. sadness. I also noticed that.. this is going to be difficult to write about, but I also noticed that sometimes whenever my thoughts stray and settle upon Gina, I.. I kind of imagine for a brief instant, a moment of happiness we've shared, or a moment I'd want to share, or wanting to see her again, meet her kids, and whatever.. In that moment, this lightning stab of.. something between remorse and anguish crops up, and I immediately say to myself, "Oh, God" whenever it happens. Without realizing it. This happens multiple times throughout the day. I've been trying hard to figure out what triggers this, and it always involves Georgina. It doesn't seem to happen in isolation, as a response to loneliness or desire, or anything like that.

But, yeah. Noticing that "Oh God" thing I do, which has been happening for months now; I studied it a bit last night, and noticed that particular cry from some dark depth of my being, has gradually become more blunted and less.. intense, for lack of a better word. It feels like the color is gone from those words, and it's more hollow than it once was. This monochromatic cry of regret, and want, and despair.. Well, it's..

(sighs) It sucks. I can see how time will turn that cry of mine, into something that will eventually disappear or become so subtle, that I will hardly notice it.

I'm.. struggling, I admit. But.. Oddly.. at work, I'm really in a good mood. And these moments are like punctuation marks that randomly insert themselves into my stream of thoughts.

It's still odd that I'm not depressed over us being broken up, but maybe I am? I don't know how to define depression in this particular instance. Am I crying? yeah. Occasionally. Do I feel sad? Yep, in brief intervals. But.. I'm not depressed. I'm not slouched over and dragging my feet, and unable to concentrate, and wanting to curl up into a ball and die.. No, I'm.. still in a generally great mood. I'm still moving forward. Improving myself. My home. The relationships I have with people. Being able to make them laugh.

So, I don't get that. Three months after being broken up with someone who.. I really..  love.. and..

I'm doing okay, I think.

Despite all those blog entries I've written, regarding her.

I'm not sure why that is.

But, I know better than to fight myself. If the last few months have taught me anything, it's to stay true to what I'm feeling and not allow those feelings to overwhelm or cripple my enjoyment and purpose in life. Can't do it. I'll cry, but in private. I'll..

(sighs)

The latest reminder I've had of her, came from this, today:

Spatulas. Yep.

For her birthday in May, I made her a mix cd and one of the tracks on there was a parody-commercial from the movie UHF, with Weird Al Yankovic. Spatula City. She loved hearing it, and I thought it was a hilarious skit.

So.. one day, she brought me these five spatulas...

(sighs)

I miss her.

Holy fuck..

Do I ever.

And now, the tears are coming..

...

Yeah.. so.. go ahead Dave. Cry like the baby I am.

You'll get over it.

You always do.

Now, I need to shower and go find a box spring for my father's bed.

It's a new day.

The Saga Begins

Not sure what happened, or inspired me, but I wrote a new chapter for my novel. Most of it while inside the bathroom, sitting on the floor.

Yup. The urge hit me right then and there.

11 chapters now. Averaging 4,000-6,000 words a piece; which equals around 50-65,000 words altogether. Already past the "novella" stage, which is classified as being at 50,000 words.

Chapter 11, is not about bankruptcy, however. I had the main characters leave the hospital to go outside, which for Jake, would have been the first time in days, so that he could have a cigarette.

It's rather mundane on plot, but I'm not concerned about plot here. I'm interested in the interaction between Jake and Josh. I like how they are together. And in this new chapter, I gave them an extra bit of bonding time, to prepare them for the story ahead.

In this chapter, I had to throw in a twist, and the twist was Josh suddenly getting up and walking away. For no reason. Of course I already know the reason for it, in my head, but it won't be apparent to the reader until later on.

Choice excerpt:

Jake was tired of mysteries that he could not solve, and here was yet another one to wonder about.

He was so tired.

For a moment, his mind flashed back to the time he found an opened garage while wandering around as a child at night, looking for a place to sleep. Out from the cold, winter wind that was searing his cheeks and chilling his bones.

He remembered sliding under the crack of the door, his small frame easily squeezing through and huddling against a wall in the darkness. Shivering, alone. There was a roll of thick, clear garbage bags that he tore pieces from, to fit into a blanket so that he could stay warm.

The wind blew at him from underneath the door, as tears rolled down his face, thinking of how his parents had died.

Jake began experiencing what his younger self was feeling, and he sat himself back down onto the bench. His head awash with the sadness of remembrance.

We all have our stories to tell, he thought. 

Looking at the hospital, he carried his sadness with him, as he walked around to the main entrance. Preferring not to enter the basement from where they had come.

Before entering, he took one last look around.

Josh was no where to be seen.

His watch read 2:33pm.

And his strange day was far from over.

It's not bad. Gave Jake a little backstory, mentioned what Josh does for a living, threw in a few pop culture references that I enjoyed thinking of.

I'll flesh it out down the road, and make it better. This is only the first draft.

Anyways, night shift tonight and I'm tired. Got up at 9:30am, and spent a good chunk of the day in bed.

I don't think I made it to 3am last night, even. It probably was around 1:30 or so when I passed out.

Well.. Got to go.

Wish me luck.

A Smile a Thousand Miles Long

I had to post that phrase above.

Not sure why.

But it came to me, when I started thinking about us getting back together and what my reaction would be like.

Yup. Enough posting about Gina for a while.

This is too much.

The Eyes Have Hills

(sighs)

Well, here I am again. Writing another post not too long after my last one.

I don't even know what I want to say, other than that I felt like I had to say something.

Airing out my thoughts like this, often produce ripe fruit that I can pick up and examine later in more detail.

If that makes any sense.

I really don't.. okay.. I'm going to stay true to my heart here, and admit that while I don't like thinking about Gina so much, I also enjoy thinking about her.

Sometimes, anyways.

And.. I can't find peace living in this kind of contradiction. I'm always.. in this kind of purgatory, where I'm neither here, nor there. And... I'm in the moment, for sure, whenever these thoughts happen and especially when I magnify them more brightly, so I can better appreciate it.

If that makes any sense, also.

I enjoy thinking about the good times we had together, but.. I don't enjoy the thoughts that remind me that I don't have her anymore. That she doesn't want me.

I also don't like the thoughts that considers the possibility of her not having read my email, or all of it. Or.. she threw away the cd I tried to give her, the second time.

And never once listening to it.

Those thoughts are the worst.

Because, I don't know how to measure my hope without knowing if she did either of those things.

If she did listen to my cd, from start to finish. Then I have hope.

If she read my email from start to finish, then I also have hope.

But if she was unimpressed or disturbed by either of those things, or if she doesn't believe a word of what I've written her, then.. I no longer have hope.

I wish she didn't ignore me like this. I wish she could have replied to that email with something.. Anything, that considers me with sympathy and offers a kindness, rather than... this.. wall.. that she put up.

That what hurts me most. The thought that I'm not a good enough person to be worth acknowledging feelings for. That I don't deserve sympathy, or pity enough to be kind towards.

I.. hate that thought.

Sometimes, I wonder if that's true or not. That I don't deserve kindness. I don't know why I would think that, but.. I really felt those feelings for her. I really sent her that email. We spent almost six months together, and we were.. I thought we were for the most part, happy.

At least at first..

I.. don't know where I'm going with this.

I really am a good person. But, I do have my bad moments of carelessness and being selfish. I have weaknesses that I'm ashamed about.

I have moments where I speak without thinking, and end up hurting people because of it. Even if I mean well by my words.

I don't like that part of myself. I wish I could fully.. be me.. Like.. I don't know.. maybe I'm wishing for a version of myself that is difficult if not impossible, to attain. And the conflict that arises from that, is what troubles me.

It's like my soul is at war with reality, almost. The world I live in, is not where I belong, and I want to change it by changing myself, and I'm not finding a lot of success in doing so.

Be the change you wish to see in the world. I know I'm the change, and I know I've been impacting people's lives in my day-to-day routine. I've.. I always try to do the right thing, and to make people feel good and to help improve their lives somehow.

But..

What about mine?

I have done so much these past two months. That I can now walk through my front door, and be glad and happy that I have created a beautiful place to live in.

But, no one to share it with.

At orientation today, they had these videos going. The one video I often see, and the sentiment most often aired, is the answer to the question of why we work safely.

Why do we work safely?

(plays video)

(video shows a dad coming home to his son. A wife making dinner for her family. Kids playing with a dog.)

All this set to Dido's "Here With Me".. a song that I liked, and now is going to be associated with this moment where I realize I have no reason to be working "safely" according to the video.

I don't have a wife.

Or kids.

Don't even have a dog.

So..

What now?

What's the point?

I remember being asked this question once, at another orientation.

"Why are you here? What makes you come to work each day?" The fellow asked me.

"To make money," I answered.

"Yes, but who do you work for?"

"Uhm.. (company name) ?"

"No."

"Well, I work for myself." I answered.

You could almost hear the buzzer sound of *WRONG*, once I said that.

"No," the man condescendingly responds to the entire room, "I work to support my family. Family is everything."

Well, good for you then. Mr. Fancy Pants.

I don't have a fucking family to love or take care of.

And it fucking sucks having to do this kind of work, to earn a living, when I am capable of something better suited to my abilities. Something that makes me happy.

Not this.

Not insulating.

I would do ANYTHING for my family, if I had one. I would probably be glad to come to work each day, knowing that my efforts are going towards their happiness, and not only my own.

I would *LOVE* to come to work and make the money I do, so that my wife and kids can all enjoy a trip to someplace exotic.

I WOULD LOVE IT.

But I don't have it.

So..

Why..

Why am I punishing myself like this? Or why am I being punished this way?

A guy at orientation today named Doug, introduced himself (like everyone else had to) and he told the class that he was in the trade for x amount of years, and was single without kids.

He had to have been over 60 years old.

The whole room laughed at him.

I didn't. I felt closer to him, actually. I worked with him for a little bit in the past, too. And I know he's a good guy, and he gave me a friendly nod when I first noticed him in the room.

Yeah.. so, the room laughed at him.

Single and without kids at his age? HAR HAR HAR.

I saw him shrink a little.. although he did put on a politely sheepish smile after saying that.

Which is why when they asked me to introduce myself, all I said was my first name and how long I've worked in the trades. I gave them zero ammunition when asked about my interests or my family.

My family, I don't have.

My interests, are too complex for most tradespeople to relate towards.

I'm a ghost in the machine, is what I am. I'm this thing that exists, but not really.

Not until I have a family and a wife of my own.

Then, I become a human being. In the eyes of those who do not respect a single, childless man or woman in their late age.

Sad stuff.

Yeah... Thanks to Gina, I'm ready now.

The next girl that comes along who gives me her heart, is going to be a lucky one indeed. I just hope I find her attractive and interesting and kind enough to want to be with.

And compassionate. Passionate. Loving. Caring. Considerate.

.. For the most part.. that's what..

Gina.. sort of was.

Until the end.

I.. wished we talked more. Kissed more. Hugged more. Danced together.

Cuddled more.

Listen to me.. I'm a freak for writing all this. I can't stand how I sound, sometimes. I'm not proud of being so.. obsessed over this woman, even though I don't want to be.

But at the same time, she's the one that I've spent my whole life looking for.

No, she's not perfect. She's not a supermodel. She has kids.

But.. she's all I need.

All I want.

At this moment in time.

And in the moments of the past (almost) three months.

(sighs)

I wonder what would happen, if I sent her an invitation to read this blog again. Not anytime soon, but maybe.. three months from now.

Reading all this is going to make her think I'm such a loser, with a mental illness to boot. I'm lucky to get pitied, I'm not going to have her fall in love with me over any of this.

Yeah, I can't do that.. But then again, if..

(sighs)

I don't want to consider it. I don't want that to be a viable option and opportunity.

I'm only going to embarrass myself. And her. And I won't ever earn her respect, if she saw the depths of my mind and soul. It's too much. Too...

Whiny.

Self-serving...

(sighs)

Emasculating.

No man should ever have to act or feel like the way I do.

And.. I can't ever have been the first. But then again, I've never heard of anyone falling in love with someone after they broke up, and not before.

It doesn't make .. No, it does make sense to me. I understand why I love her now, and not before.

Because, she called me out on my shit. She put her foot down and said enough is enough.

And I took it very seriously. To the extreme level of completely changing.. my outlook on myself. On life. On love.

I.. wish she could have been more patient with me. More communicative.

But, I don't blame her for what she did. I just.. well, I do blame her for the way she did it, without us ever once talking about it.

I do blame her for how suddenly it happened, and how cold and impersonal she was.

I..

I don't want to say I deserved it.

But, maybe I did.

But, maybe I didn't.

And that's the problem.

I'm not sure who to blame for all this. Her, me, or both of us equally.

I'm leaning towards both, equally. But she never did anything wrong in the five months we were together.

She never did. Not until the breakup.

She was, and still is a good person.

I honestly believe that.

And she judged me for the man I was at the time.

As she only could.

So..

I can't blame her for that.

But..

I can blame her for not having faith in me.

And for not believing in me.

And for not.. breaking up with me in person.

I can blame her for those.

It's.. almost ten o'clock and I'm feeling tired.. but I have to stay up late. I'm going to try for 5am, but will settle for 3am, if I can make it that far.

I have no desire to watch tv. Or a movie.

I can hardly read anything, though I have a book of Greek myths next to me, and that Boehme one.

And another by Krishnamurti, that I found interesting.

And Walden-Two is thirty pages in, inside my bathroom. I'm 66 pages into The Teachings of Don Juan.

And Hemingway's short stories, didn't impress me as much as I hoped they would.

All that I really feel like doing now, is..

Being with her.

Talking to her.

Or writing.

Which I'm doing now.

Thoughts don't become real, until they're written down. And I'm making sure that I will have something to look back on, however many years from now, so that I can remember fully how important that woman was to me, and how much she's changed me.

I can't ever forget, now that I'm writing all this down.

Maybe.. Someday, I will look back, and..

Smile.

I don't know how that would be possible, if I never meet anyone like Gina.. Or if I never see her again..

But, it could happen. I could experience a kind of life, later on, that will bend me around to the point where I can only smile and maybe laugh, at the emotions I'm feeling right now.

Maybe I will think less of myself now, in the years to come, while becoming a better person, or having met someone amazing.

I don't know. Experience is the greatest of all teachers, and these last three months are no exception.

I have learned.

And..

I must apply what I've learned. And I must always remember what I've learned.

That's the important part. To keep myself reminded.

And maybe, that's why I think of her so much.

Because, I don't ever want to make the same mistake twice.

With her, or with anyone else.

As long as I remember how I was feeling, and as long as I stay true by who I am; then I can't ever make another mistake like this.

I hope.

But, we'll see.

Maybe there are some surprises in store for me yet.

I'm just hoping for good ones.

I've had enough of the bad.

Well..

(looks around empty bedroom)

Still need to improve my bedroom.. but once I get dad's bed in here, it'll be a big step.

So.. there's still things to improve around here. Despite how much effort I've put into the house already.

I guess I still have something to live for.

If not for Gina, if not for love.

Then, for me.

My curiosity.

To see how this story will end.

In tragedy.

Or in triumph.

In a Puddle of Mud

Brutal..ish.

That's how my day went today.

While cooking dinner, I began thinking about what I wanted to share on my blog about how everything went.

First of all, my brass card photo turned out decently enough.

And then later on after orientation was over, I saw this sad-looking (but super cute) dog while getting groceries.

After that, my dinner was a new recipe I thought I'd try out. Ricotta stuffed pasta shells.

Of course, I had to beef up the basic recipe I found with extra cheese and tomatoes and parsley.

With a sprinkle of garlic powder on top, for good measure. Oregano, too.

Cooking as I type, and should be ready in about ten minutes.

So.. all that aside.. I really didn't want to mention "her" in this post. I've talked about her enough times already, and I had hopes last night, that going back to work will help take my mind off of her.

It didn't.

It was foreshadowed in the morning, that I would be battling back thoughts of her again.

As I was getting ready to leave the house, I stepped outside for my morning cigarette and coffee and looked inside through the patio door. Past the dining room, and near where the front door was, I had this .. image in my mind, of Gina turning the corner, wearing a housecoat, and looking at me with a sleepy smile.

And I smiled back. Not in my imagination, but I actually smiled.

God save me.

Gina is a safety inspector, so that means she does orientations much like the one I was at today.

That didn't help. As I imagined her doing one.

And.. fuck, man.. I brought along a Hemingway book of short stories to read during lulls of boredom (and they were frequent), but about halfway through reading the Snows of Kilimanjaro; I got to the part where Hemingway talked about writing a letter to a woman that he loved, and..

Fuck, man.. now I want to write one.

Because it worked for him.

He didn't go into as much detail as I would like to have read, in that letter, but what I saw was enough to know that my attempt wouldn't be all that much different than what he wrote.

Now, I'm questioning what kind of a man I'm supposed to be. I can't keep pining over a woman like this.

Ugh.... I'm getting emotional, now. I'm smelling this awesome food in the house, I'm already in my pajamas, and..

I miss her.

I need to check my phone and see exactly when was the last time I saw her, because this is ridiculous. It has to be over three months now.

I'm hoping, that tomorrow, once I start my new shift, this won't be as much of a problem as it was for me today. And if it will be, then I..

I have to do something about it.

I already am, sort of, by going back on dating sites, but.. man, look at this garbage I'm dealing with.

                                                       

Tried to shrug her off twice, telling her that I'm walking and she took it as ..

Playing hard to get?

Look at her conversation. LOL and YEAH doesn't pass for "conversation" at all.

It's only when I said I was leaving, was when she got interested in me again. Never mind how great of a profile I already had up on there.

Now she wants to meet me on Thursday or Friday, on her day off. Her idea, and I have little interest in her at this point given how much of a shallow person she already demonstrated herself to be. But, I'm still going to give her a chance. I always give everyone a chance.

Man..

I'm so tired of all this.

I'm only fooling myself to continue to chat with women online, and in public, with the hope of something amazing happening.

Because, I really doubt I'll find anyone as amazing as she was.

Gina may be average looking. With two young boys, one of them who is somewhat unruly. She is living in a rented home. She's recovering from bankruptcy. She has frequent migraines...

And still, I want her so much.

I.. I..

Man.. I don't even want to say the words that just popped in my head right now. They're scary ones to say, and they aren't bad words.. Just uncomfortable ones.

I already know I love her, but those words..

Fine..

I'd marry her in a heartbeat.

As long as I know that she will stand by me, no matter what may happen with us down the road; I would marry Carolyn.

And I'd try to be the best husband and step-father I can.

At least, that's what popped in my head. I'm not sure how serious this particular thought is. I don't even want to entertain it. But it did come up.

Scary, right? Told you.

I need to.. I don't know. But I know that the scarecrow idea is gaining traction again. I also know, that I would..

Man..

I know I said I didn't want to forget her, but I don't want to be thinking of her this much. Every single day.

Having my dinner, I can't help but wish she was here with me. With my table set like this.

Waking up in the morning. Same thing. I..

..

I'm going to go eat.

I need to stay up late tonight, for tomorrow.

FML.

But..

(sighs)

I'm still grateful for having met her.

They say it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.

Except in this case, I have lost and then loved.

And.. I don't think it's better.

I think it's messed up.