...From the bunker, in the movie 10 Cloverfield Lane.
What a mind fuck that film is. You never really know which direction they're taking it, and once you do, you find out its exactly the direction you least expected.
Pretty damn good. Despite it being a Bad Robot production, they didn't go for the unsatisfying, unresolved ending. They pretty much resolved it, even if certain circumstances appeared to warrant further explanation, but they didn't really leave any loose threads dangling about that could hint at there being a sequel. Which is good. Artistic integrity, preserved.
Ultimately, this is a movie about trust. About trusting strangers, and its funny I wrote about just that in my last post while in the middle of watching. This is a good insight to have, and no wonder I was inspired to post what I did, because *trigger warning* I got triggered on a deep, intuitive level as to what the theme of the movie is, and how it applies to my own life.
Again, scary as fuck. But one of the reasons I don't like the "message" in this film, is that it says "do not trust people, and you will be illuminated." Or rewarded, rather.
That message sucks.
I want to trust people. I want to believe in rationality, but this movie's premise hinges on a potentially unhinged individual. Who as we know in the end...
No spoilers, obviously. It has to stay a mystery to viewers from start to finish.
Anyways. Yeah, I thought about Gina a little more and a few more pieces emerged from the bunker of my mind.
That pain I was talking about? There's a reason why I didn't feel greatly saddened when she broke up with me. There's a reason why I almost felt relief. I don't know quite what that reason is, but...
Maybe the reason was is that I felt unburdened, somehow. That I came out of our relationship a better person. Again, no idea why, hence this post trying to figure it out.
Or maybe I've become so jaded to being broken up with, that I expected and prepared for this to happen. On an unconscious level.
Maybe this is the explanation, and maybe its not.
Hmm.
Yeah, I felt unburdened. But why? Was it relief at not having to keep up the pretense? Of not wanting to reveal to her my deepest, truest self? There was part of that at work, for sure, but is it the entire story?
There is nothing wrong with my deepest, truest self other than the fact that it is wounded. And so, must be given time in order for it to come out fully to another human being. I just didn't trust women. Not even her. No matter how good she was to me.
And maybe I should have. Maybe that is what she took deep offense towards.
I don't know.
Was she worthy of being confided in? I'm not sure. I didn't really confide much. Just a few bits here and there. I had told her twice already, that she doesn't know the half of who I am, and she still doesn't. My heart was never on full display while I was with her. I've always restrained certain parts of it.
So, there is a reason for that. And like I said, it is composed of past relationships and the cynicism I have unwillingly collected upon my person. It's baggage, basically, I didn't want to subject any of it to her scrutiny.
But why not? Because I didn't trust her. And in the end, with her having broken up with me through text and then gotten angry at me for still wanting to be back together; maybe I had a good reason not to trust her. Maybe what I did was right, in holding myself back.
Maybe I dodged a bullet. Maybe life would've been much harder on me had we stayed together. Maybe not now, but maybe a few years from now. Or even sooner. Or much later. Who knows?
Maybe I wouldn't have gotten along with her kids. Maybe, I'd have done something wrong that is worth breaking up early for. Or maybe she would. Maybe one of us is going to die unexpectedly, or develop an illness that can potentially devastate either of us.
Who knows? There is an infinite array of possibilities out there, and its outside of my means to consider them all. Nor should I. Because if this is how it has to be, then this is how it is. No looking back at the past. No more wondering what is going to happen, just believe it will happen. Or that it should happen, in the way that is most beneficial to my growth as a spirit and as a human being.
Thats destiny for you. Obviously it is a necessary part of the grand design for me to have suffered this heartache, and this lesson in particular. The lesson of always be willing to trust another human being, until you have good reason not to.
Preserving my ego, and my pride, are not good enough reasons.
Especially not with someone like her. Someone so special and worthwhile.
(sighs) I figured it out. I should have trusted her. And yet, she should have trusted me. But I wasn't able to convince her of that, it seems. No matter how earnestly I tried after we ended. And even before she decided to break up over text.
So..
We're both losers. And this is how it has to be.
Will fate bring us back together? No idea.
Is my future written in stone? Perhaps. Perhaps not.
Would I have been happier with her? Maybe. Maybe not.
Can I be just as happy with someone else? Most likely, once I find her.
Can I find her?
Absolutely. There are millions of women out there. Billions. But even a million eligible ladies, is still very good odds for me to be content with.
I can only imagine a million Gina's out there in the world, and the right Gina will someday find me.
As long as I can keep myself going forward.
And keep faith in the goodness of others.
Because that is the way I have to be.
I will not accept the alternative.
Nobody should have to accept a cynical point of view, no matter how much our culture perpetuates negative ideas and negative media and dresses the propagation of it all, as necessary and sometimes even admirable. Such as the Kardashians, and reality television stars who end up becoming president.
The alternative is much worse.
To selectively trust, is to not trust at all.
You can't have your cake and eat it too.
At least that is what I think.
Time for bed.
Good weed.
