Its a-Monday, Mario!
And boy, am I bored. The highlight of my day? Making crazy bread from scratch. Turned out pretty well actually. Just need to slightly tweak the dough and really go hog wild with the garlic butter topping. Oh, and non-shredded Parmesan cheese. Gotta have that clumpy Kraft powder stuff.
Other than that..
Hmm. You know, I pride myself on trying my *best* to be unaffected and detached from outcomes. Just like the Buddhists all strive to be. But its tough.
Here's why. Texting. I'm talking specifically about texting Ginelle. It sucks. Always have, but today was the first day I haven't texted her and she hasn't texted me either. Part of me is kind of grumbling about it, since I was the last to text and clearly its her turn. I also was the first to text after our date as well.
So.. its kind of hard trying to keep my distance. Even though the texting isn't all that great anyways.
Hmm. Detachment. Not so easy. Am I fiercely interested in this girl? No, not really. But I am interested. Part of our conversation on Saturday was about texting, and how much of a poor substitute it was for conversation. I'm thinking that she's thinking, that I don't enjoy texts. Which isn't true. I'm happy to text someone that is equally as generous with their texts, and are able to hold a conversation online.
Case in point: A few days before we met, I asked Ginelle what her favorite movie was. And her response was, "I watch anything, don't have a favorite". And that's a tough text to follow up on. And she doesn't ask me many (or any) questions, so I have no real footing for having a chat. It feels more like an interrogation, really.
But again. No attachment to outcomes.
I liked how she kissed me on the way out the door. Just this hurried smooch, with a sparkle in her eyes and a smile. Kind of would like more of that in my life. Maybe some lingerie and ..
I'm getting ahead of myself. That's an outcome, right? Heh. Yeah... but it feels awkward to actively restrain myself from not sending her anything. I don't like it. It's like this wall of silence that we both know is there, but no one is doing anything about. Are we mutually agreeing to this? I don't think so. I think she would like a hello text or a good night, but.. hey.. it works both ways, right? At least it should. I'm not going to push or make demands of her to text me regularly.
Meh.
I miss my baby doll. Our texts were (until the end) effortless. (sighs)
Picturing her face right now.. floating in my mind.
(sighs)
What a beautiful girl.
So should I mail her that package? Dammit. I don't know. I'm..
Just in flux.
My day was so boring. I have to go back to work, but I smoked weed and so I can't take a job even if I wanted to, for at least 30 days. Dammit. Just thinking about how cold it is outside (-17c) and the idea of having to go back to work.. (double sighs) its.. Well, it sucks.
And I worked a bit on my novel today, but I'm saddened by how I left off in the middle of the last chapter. Its so hard to pick up where I left off. I have to make a mental note to myself to always finish whatever I started, once inspiration strikes. Otherwise I'm going to have a hard time of moving forward, when I'm halfway through something. I need to write a full complete chapter each time I get the urge to, and not bail out in the middle of it. I should have taken that day off of work. Or at least called in to say I would be late. That's how important this novel should be to me. I have to take it seriously.
Mm. Well.. Yesterday.. (yawns) yeah.. so..
My life is boring, right now.
I wonder.. I miss the summer. I miss being outside in my zero gravity chair. Getting a tan. Listening to music. Feeling the wind and sun. Seeing Roger the rabbit scamper around.
Going places. Wearing shorts.
Being active.
Yeah.. I miss that most of all. I feel so dead right now. So.. zombie-like. Like I said, making crazy bread was my highlight of the day, and that is kind of a lame accomplishment. Even though it turned out really well.
Hrm. Contentment. He who is most happy, is content. Meaning, that all you need in order to be happy is to find comfort in being in the moment. Thats Buddhism as well. Contentment. I don't need anything or anyone else in my life, to be content. That is kind of a decision I make, without realizing it. I tried to stay productive today, did the dishes, baked the bread, but it wasn't enough. I still felt *blah* and stagnant.
I was so active in the summer. So busy.
But.. what do I do now?
I'd like to write my novel, but I can't seem to click with it. I can write on my blog, or on forums, but my novel? Ugh.
I don't know man. Such ennui. It feels like I know where the switch is in my mind to turn it off, but I'm too lazy to get up and make the effort of.. making an effort, I suppose. Although I did make some effort. I uh.. washed the dishes by hand, and baked bread today. Whoop-de-doo!
Oh, and played Josh a few games of Culdcept Saga. Beat some guy online in backgammon. Watched a bit of "Beat Bobby Flay" which I thought was kind of lame. Rolled my eyes at what was on TV.. Went out to buy cigarettes. Hmm. I'm surprised I could waste the whole day like this.
My dad used to tell me about how he would ask himself at the end of each night, in bed, whether or not it was a "good" day. He would ask himself, "Did I get as much done as I could have? Did I make the most of my time?" and.. that man, was so driven. So smart. He was talking in past tense, meaning this was before he had my step-sisters and married Annie. And I believe him. He really kept himself on the ball, each and every day.
"Have I made the most of my day?"
"Did I have time enough to do something useful?"
"What did I do today, that the results will still show tomorrow? What kind of progress have I made? How is my life better because of the actions I took today?"
All good questions.
We aren't on this planet forever. Time is such a precious commodity. Time wasted, can never be reclaimed. Every minute of every breath only brings you closer to death. There's no arguing your way out of that proposition.
Now I'm watching a documentary on Netflix about some guy who scammed people by selling them cheap ass wine that he marked up thousands of dollars.
Oh, and I listened to a podcast today. Tom Papa and Joe Rogan. It was pretty good.
Yep. I didn't do much with my day.
I should do better.
At least I'm not...
Not like some people I know.
Not that I should be comparing myself.
Happiness is contentment.
Being happy with who I am.
Tough.
But I'm trying.
I have everything I need to be comfortable and content. There's a fire going on my right. I'm sitting on a nice couch. Having a decent coffee (slightly lukewarm, thanks Tassimo!) and.. everything should be right with the world.
Except its not.
It kind of feels like a spiritual discomfort, in a way. Like.. I know I should be doing something with my time, but what? Should I be hitting the dating sites hard, again? Should I force myself to write?
Interesting thing about Joe's podcast today, is when they discussed writing. That even if nothing is coming out, they'll sit there for at least an hour. Usually two. No matter what.
That's discipline I wish I had. And that is my real issue. A lack of it, and a lack of faith in what I could potentially achieve as far as writing goes.
Leaving off in the middle of a chapter and having to finish it, well.. its demoralizing in a way. And.. yeah.. I better not do that anymore should the muse come to visit. It's disrespecting the importance of what I want to achieve.
And I feel like such a whiner. I bet someone who would read my blog from start to finish, would come to that conclusion. "Dave is such a whiner. All he does is complain, really."
(sighs) ... I would.. would probably agree with that. To an extent.
Hm. I really like the idea of following my heart. It served me so well over the summer to go from activity to errand to chore to date, to whatever.. effortlessly and without much thought. Just flowing along from one thing to another. A constant whirl of activity that sometimes left me incredibly exhausted, but feeling really good at the end of the day.
I miss that feeling. But.. I can't paint my back porch, which is 70% completed. My basement is cleaned out, although I could mop the floor. I could mop the floor upstairs. Could put a few things for sale online. Could check out the stamps dad left me, and see what their value is. Could read. Could write. Could date.
Could. Could. Could. But.. None of these things are really resonating with me at the moment. I'm mindful of the state of mind I was in over the summer, and I am trying to duplicate it; but maybe I'm not really "letting go" as much as I should.
Well, whatever.
Its another day.
For the most part, I have no cause for complaint. I'm doing okay. Not great, but okay.
And that is better than a lot of other people are doing.
So..
I'll be fine.
But I wish I could be more.
