Yep, I know nothing, folks. Despite all I've learned and experienced, I'm still feeling like an idiot.
Part of the reason why I'm floundering right now has to do with being lonely, I think, and not having enough things to do with my day that are worthwhile.
I really should make it a habit to exercise and write in the morning, Set an hour or two aside for that. Because at least then I can go about the rest of my day feeling like I've done something productive.
Meh. Tanya is baking a cake right now, and her texts are a bit confusing in regards to my inviting her to go out tonight to see Rogue One. She hasn't made it clear that she is interested, or when she will be finished, or even if she is available to go out tonight, so I don't know. Just sitting around waiting for her to text back, unable to make any plans.
And I'm in bed, just bored. I realize now that not having an intimate relationship with someone; both physically and emotionally, is really what the problem is. Sure, I can convince myself to not place much importance on getting a girlfriend, or getting laid; but thats a tough deception to pull off, because I am. I've always been that way.
Since I was.. 19 I think. Before that, I was too insecure and without much self-esteem to even think that a girlfriend was anything that I was capable of having. Just didn't believe in myself enough.
And it seems I still don't. I'm still putting pressure on myself about this. The more I want it, the further it slips away it seems. Until I reach a point of giving up, almost, and that is usually when things start to happen again.
I don't get it. I'm pretty bothered by it actually. The lesson is clear, be myself, don't take life so seriously and stay confident in who you are by being honest and true.
Easier said than done. Really.
Because honesty means expressing my desperation. Whether I want to, or not. It comes out regardless, and I hate it.
Yep, I'm a desperate man, I'll admit. But..
Yeah. There is no but. I'm attached to this.. need of mine for intimacy. I'm addicted to it. I crave it.
And it puts people off when I do.
So.. obviously, I shouldn't allow myself to be this way, but I can't help it. There is nothing more important in life, than the quality of the relationships a person cultivates and is involved in. Really. Human beings are the most important thing on this planet. With them, all things are possible. Money. Sex. Power. Love. Happiness.
But.. at the same time, I have to love myself before I can be loved by anyone else. That's a fact.
And loving myself is really hard right now. How would I do it? By..
Being productive, I guess. But thats another thing. I feel like I'm running on fumes. Like, music is not interesting enough to listen to all day. Movies are hit and miss. Books have a hard time keeping my attention. Video games? Meh. They're all pretty contrived and seem like a huge waste of time.
And yet, I continue to waste my time even if I don't do any of these things.
It's.. a puzzle I have to try and solve. I.. need to force myself to do stuff that is beneficial, because I know that after I do them, I usually feel better about myself. And feeling better helps in liking who I am. And liking who I am, brings in confidence. And confidence brings in fearlessness. And fearlessness brings out honesty. And honesty helps foster integrity. And integrity often gives me self-respect. And self-respect... you get the idea.
Whatever happened to effortlessly living a happy and joyous life? It shouldn't be this much work, but it is.
Attitude is everything. They say to keep a positive attitude.. well... Faking a positive attitude, and actually having one are two different things. I also don't think "fake it until you make it" is really a good aphorism to be taking heed of.
Hmm.
My happiness should always come first. Not at the expense of other people, either. But from within.
But, how?
Having a regular purpose and routine would probably do the trick. I could get up out of bed right now, go into the basement and start working out. I know I would feel better afterwards, too. But for how long?
And it still wouldn't alleviate these feelings of loneliness that I have. I still would be on my own. Craving human affection.
I miss that ex of mine. God, do I miss her. Every day felt meaningful. I had someone to talk to, someone to sleep with, someone to kiss and joke with.
And now, I really don't have anyone but phantoms. Women I've yet to meet from dating sites.
And Gyngie, I suppose.
But..
(sighs)
I'm tired.
I feel like retreating into a shell away from the world.
There was a brief moment earlier in my day where I felt 100% happy and relaxed and content. That was when I was laying on the floor next to the fireplace, listening to a Leonard Cohen album. Hearing him sing "Hallelujah" while feeling the heat from the fire against my skin was blissful. I loved it.
But it faded, as all things usually do.
I've been re-reading parts of the Kybalion, and it made mention of how a "master" is able to polarize himself on the swing of the pendulum where he most wants to be, and to compensate for the rhythm of being swayed between the extremes of negative and positive emotions. Although the Kybalion talks about all this, it doesn't give any methods for achieving these things. Only to say that it is something people are capable of doing.
Well, I'll have to figure that one out. The book really resonates with me, as do many other books of this kind, but putting it to practical use is the tricky part.
Maybe.. Maybe I'll try visualization again. It worked for me in the past, it should work for me now.
And if I'm laying in bed, in silence, under warm sheets and feeling lost and lonely; then I have all the time I need to be able to do these mental exercises.
Hm. I wonder..
See, what I'm thinking now is that I want to sleep with Kiley. But I'm having an awful time in our texts together, because she's just not.. someone I can easily relate to. And she is not very emotionally generous towards me. I write these big long paragraphs and she responds with short quips. Its very hard to get a handle on what she's interested in, what her passions are, what drives her, what she wants out of life, etc.
So then.. maybe I could try and visualize us together. Just as an experiment to see if I have what it takes to affect my circumstances by imagination alone. Although to be fair, action will come from the attitude shift that will inevitably arise if I keep my target in sight and practice visualizing an outcome.
But thats the whole point. To *shift* my way of thinking onto a path that is more beneficial to me than the one I am on right now.
If visualization can do it, why not give it a shot? Visualization and faith got me my first girlfriend. It made me miss a date with my math tutor. It did a few other things in life as well.
Hm.
So visualization time. Now I have to decide exactly what I'm going to chase after. With Kiley, its fairly easy to visualize her face and to imagine an outcome. I could try and visualize the woman of my "dreams" coming to me, but that is too nebulous and uncertain of an image to produce in my mind.
Could try and visualize Gina contacting me again, but that feels almost like an impossible wish for me to have. I'd really have to exert myself and believe its possible before it can actually be.
Hm.
Kiley. Let's try it. It's Thursday, so.. maybe twenty minutes of visualizing each day for a week, just to see what will happen. If anything does. I've got nothing to lose really, and either way I'd be okay with the outcome. Whether I get her or not.
Okay..
Time to make some magic happen.
