Back to being in the basement, listening on my headphones to the cd I made for Gina. I was looking back at what I wrote yesterday, and felt.. so odd, for sharing such personal details about my life on this blog. I know nobody is reading it, so there's no reason for me to feel paranoid and weird. But, it feels odd that I would go through the trouble of writing such deep and sometimes dark, thoughts.
Darkness and light, I suppose. I need to explore my own personal feelings and thoughts about the "purity" of who I am as a human being, and to what extent am I to be deserving of divine mercy. Or divine reward, for how I have conducted myself as I traverse the landscape of my journey towards personal salvation and understanding.
Low Rising by the Swell Seasons is playing right now, such a good song. "There's no further for us to fall." It really encapsulates the period of when Gina broke up with me. The lyrics resonate so deeply and truly that I just give into the song, as I listen to it. It feels like a rose without any thorns to worry about touching. You just *trust* the honesty of the song, knowing that it is coming from a sincere place and not a place of monetary acquisition. To "manufacture" the experience, or to "mimic" the raw honesty of a conflicted and sensitive human being. Songs like.. "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner; are exactly what they are. Raw human honesty of raw emotions. Not done because the artist wanted to make money, but because it captures the spirit of how he once felt. And might have learned. To impart a kind of "teaching" of experience, both to console and to protect against, in case of others being faced with a similar kind of situation. And it is such a specific kind of situation that it is remarkable how well it can be captured in music and song.
"I wanna feel what love is..."
"I want you to show me..."
"I wanna know what love is.."
"I want you to show me...:
"I wanna feel what love is..."
"I want you to show me.."
"I wanna know what love is..."
(fade out)
Guns and Roses is on now. "Patience"
Another great song. Such a fantastic mix. Tremendous. /Trump voice
(yawns) I'm feeling tired. Candle is burning with this nice coconut lime smell, and its nice being in the dark downstairs like this. It's a very ritualistic and sacred kind of feeling. This "communion" with self, sort of godliness. Or inner-spirit. Soul softening. Connecting.
Haven't texted Ginelle yesterday or today... Glen Hansard "Love Don't Keep me Waiting" just came on with these lyrics, and I can only marvel at those as well. Perfectly encapsulates the variety of raw human emotion that some of us have, buried deep within our cores. It gives it a knowing nod and a hug, to the psyche or heart of someone listening who may have experienced the same sense of heartbreak, as Glen Hansard might have once felt.
Today is a day that I'm trying to give into my deeper self. By letting go of heartache, and allowing myself to heal. Or at least, attempt to try at healing the fractures in my soul. The marks left behind by many. But mainly the marks I inflicted upon myself. Those marks that made me feel responsible, for how my relationships have turned out. And responsible for the way my life has become. And.. it hurts to acknowledge all that. It hurts knowing that my best isn't good enough, and that effort doesn't always guarantee success, and that being lucky and ambitious and driven, is all that matters in this world. To achieve some level of purpose in life, where your career complements and often matches the qualities that you wish to express to this world. That you feel fulfiled by what you do. And that you place trust in your ability to spend a great number of years of your life, in service to whatever profession you choose to serve.
But, I don't have that satisfaction. And I don't have that level of wisdom to try and know what it is I must do, in order to achieve true happiness in life. Both in career, in love, in personal ability and ideology, and spiritual growth and deepening of maturity and all such things. I'm just not smart enough to know what it is I must try and do, in order to become successful in the way of pursuing my dreams and passions.
So, thats what I tried at doing today. Just.. trying to live in the honesty of every single moment. No matter how boring and lacking, that moment appears to be. Or how sad and lonely, such moments can often be.
Such as making a grilled cheese sandwich for "dinner" today. It was a boring process, and not nearly as fun as I hoped it to be. But it tasted great, so I suppose it was worth going through with. Still, though. That sort of thing doesn't qualify as a meal. There's no nutrition there. Its just an appetite suppressant. Almost zero value beyond psychological and a few carbs.
Well... Not sure what else to write on here.
Shelby Lynn now, with a great cover song.
"Tell me Lord... what did I ever do..."
Music, man.
I tell ya.
