All lights are off, "Love is A Battlefield" on the headphones and since my laptop was nearby, I figured I'd get to penning a few thoughts.
But lets start with something odd, first. I've written every off and on about the need for me to stay true to myself. To *really* listen to the urges and feelings within me. To listen to the "truth" of my being, despite it being hidden under layers and layers of bullshit with loud voices.
So.. I did. Tonight I did listen to that voice, and this is what happened.
Yeah, that T-Rex is holding a paper flower which I made an hour ago. On my own, from scratch, and used Gina's flowers as a reference point to figure out exactly how to make this thing.
Wasn't easy, but it was kind of fun. I didn't have any glue, so there's some unsightly scotch tape in a few places.
Well, now that I made that, the question has become, "what are you going to do with it?"
Give it to her, obviously.
But...
No, fuck it. I am.. Ooh.. Trying to listen to my inner voice now and I can't claim with 100% certainty that I'd want to leave it on her lawn. As far from the door as possible.
But.. I do feel.. a sense of certainty about this. I couldn't bring myself to mail the package of gifts I assembled for her, but this feels different. This feels more.. "right" for lack of a better word.
Only thing is, I can't decide whether or not to include a note. And if I do, what will I write on there?
I had four scrap pieces of paper left over from building that flower, and they all have random scribblings on them.
"Yes. I still love you."
"My feelings haven't changed."
And a couple long paragraph ones that I didn't feel were good enough to be using. And thats not to mention how anal I was about getting the "look" of my printing right. Really obsessive attention to detail. Anyhow, it doesn't matter. I'm not going to be using any of these phrases or these paragraphs I experimented with.
So, thats why I settled down by the fireplace. Sitting on the floor with a couple pillows propped up, and now Gina's CD is playing the second track, which is still as euphoric and blissful as it was when I first heard it.
I'm addicted to the song "Drive" by The Cars right now, and one of my ideas for a note is to simply write, "Drive" by the Cars on it. So that she would listen to it on YouTube or someplace, but I don't know if she will. I still don't know how she would react to seeing the paper flower.
The flower communicates a couple of things by itself, I've realized. That I'm still thinking of her, and that I still have feelings for her. Isn't that enough? But.. a part of me wants to leave a door open for her to walk through, should she so choose. Just.. leaving the flower wouldn't be enough, would it?
Enough for what, though? For her to consider us getting back together? I'm delusional.. to think that, aren't I?
Think a paper flower by itself would be enough?
I don't know.
It would be easy, however, to just leave it there and nothing else. Cross my fingers after it happens, because thats all I can really do.
She still knows where I live, and maybe she still has my number or my email.
At the very least, she knows where I live.
So, there's no need to keep any kind of "door" open since mine always is.
Wow.. this song is so good... (ends)
Inside Out by Culture Beat is on now.
What a great mix I made for her. I still wonder if she listened to it, but I don't think she did. Despite my giving it to her twice.
(sighs)
If I'm going to leave her a note with a song title on it, I'd better pick a good one. Drive is a fantastic song, but I don't know if it encapsulates what I want her to feel and what I feel. I don't think it does. Its kind of a depressing song, really. The video for it is about someone with a mental illness, so.. I'm not sure if its appropriate. I believe Gina suffered from it at some point too.
As I have a few times, I must admit.
Thats the thing about mental illness. You don't really know that you are mentally ill until.. well, until I guess some "authority" concludes that you are. Or maybe, if you are thinking in a way that causes complications in your life and relationships and basic functioning. Negative complications of course, although I was suffering from euphoria when I was first admitted to a hospital in 2006 for four days of observation.
"How good do you feel on a scale of one to ten?" a young assistant fellow once asked me, as I was being evaluated.
I didn't hesitate much when I responded with, "11."
Better than perfect, it seems. And at the time, I was feeling that way. I was so keenly aware of my environment, and everything was so clear and defined that this heightening of my senses exhilarated me. If we could make an analogy to a swinging pendulum, where the left side is negative and the right is positive; my swing went all the way to the right, and then raised itself up past the point of gravity, to remain suspended in the air for a brief while. Weeks, actually, before finally coming back down.
They gave me a diagnosis of bi-polarity, which I didn't quite agree with. I wasn't experiencing a simple manic episode before deviating into depression, and then back to mania, again.. Not when these episodes were separated from each other by years. And not when I've never experienced a maniac episode prior to this point.
Mm.
Anyways.. Kiley.. agreed to meet me, finally. But she is so.. terse over text. What I mean, is that I'm trying to plan out the when and where and I have to wait hours for a response. And when I get it, it sometimes doesn't specify anything. For instance, I'd ask her what day we could meet on and that I'm free Thursday or Friday night; and she responds with, "what do u want to do?" rather than answer the question.
So.. I guess I don't know.. She is confusing me. Or toying with me. Or is really that oblivious and incapable of manners and being polite/thoughtful. I don't know.
At the moment, I'm entertaining the notion that since she came from a marriage of ten years and that she claims to be happy to be divorced; that she is enjoying the sensation of being "wanted" and is well-aware of how much of a puppy dog I am, begging for her attentions. So, she is being deliberate about the way she is responding towards me. Or maybe, she doesn't have much interest in me as I hoped.
I don't know. Again, life is comical. I'm comical. I feel like I'm being played like a violin, by a professional who is laughing at the sounds I'm making. Or is at least, entertained by them, I hope. In an endearing way.
(sighs) .. I'd be more non-chalant about all this, had it not been for this pledge of mine to visualize Kiley and I having sex. Great, mind-blowing, earth-shattering, boot-quakin' sex obviously.
Well then, thats the way it is. I've fallen into her trap, I suppose. If that was her intention, then she was successful in springing it.
I find it amusing that I'm putting all this effort into visualizing Kiley and I together, but not myself and Georgina. I'm not sure why that is. I think a part of me isn't completely sure if my ex would be the right girl for me, the one that I'd be willing to devote my life towards. I have to be honest with myself, I really don't know the answer to that.
So, would leaving a paper flower on her lawn be.. something I should do?
My heart is saying yes, but there's an element of uncertainty somewhere that I can't pinpoint. I don't know why I'm not completely certain about all this. I think its the note, and that is where the doubt is coming from, as to what I should write on there, or if I should be leaving one at all. The flower itself feels right, so...
Anyways, its confusing.
Which is why I'm sitting by the fire, typing away. REO Speedwagon is on now. "I Want To Know What Love Is"
I am such a sentimental schmuck. I love being romantic and doing romantic things and making this paper flower and leaving it at her home suits my intentions perfectly.
But, if I were to wake up in the morning and if I was her and if I was walking outside of my front door to notice a flower like that on my lawn, with no note. What would I be thinking?
"Oh, that guy I dumped six months ago is at it again."
Would I be flattered? I'm going to stop typing for a second and think about it.
Yeah, I would be flattered.
Annoyed too, maybe. But flattered nonetheless.
Maybe thats the whole point of my making this flower, to simply flatter her. Chip away at her wall just a tiny bit and then go on my not-so merry way.
Maybe another idea like this will come to me down the line. But, lets be honest, the package did come to mind a while ago and its now gathering dust in my closet. What was the point of buying those gifts and wrapping it all up, only to not follow through?
Mm. I don't know. But like I said, that is what my heart told me to do. To not mail it. Prior intentions be damned.
Maybe.. Maybe my heart, my truth knows something that I don't. Maybe it adapts according to conditions that I cannot perceive or understand. Maybe it knows better than I do, about what is and isn't the right thing to do.
Maybe.
Funny how I'm still keeping doubt and skepticism in the equation of all this. I'm really trying not to mistake my intuition for impulsiveness, or ego. Really trying. As bananas as it all sounds.
Speaking of bananas, I took a chance and invited Kiley over to my place for our first meeting. Suggested I'd make her dinner as well. She hasn't responded yet (no surprise), but I'm going to trust my instinct on that one. I did spend almost a week of visualization and affirmations that I doubt it will all go to waste because of this one message I sent.
Got to trust myself. Even just a little bit. I trusted myself in describing how I would want to have sex with her, and she responded enthusiastically. I trusted myself to send her that shirtless picture of myself, and it worked too. So, despite how contrary these actions are to my normal way of being; I'm going to have to trust myself with inviting her over, as well.
We'll see what happens.
The experiment is almost over, tomorrow is the last day of it.
"Kiley and I are having the greatest sex of our lives together."
That's my mantra right now. Perfectly refined and as clear as can be. No ambiguity or loopholes there; aside from when and where such an act would be taking place.
Inevitably, it will.
"Love, Don't Keep Me Waiting" by Glen Hasgard.
I miss you Georgina.
You beautiful idiot.
I wonder if you feel the same.
Even just a little.
Guess we'll be finding out.
Back to the vodka I go.
