There it is, all the items I've decided to put inside of an Amazon box to mail to Gina for Christmas.
Yeah, this is probably a bad idea. I know, but..
I want to send it. I can't really justify it either, at least not in some rational way other than.. well, I guess.. wanting her to feel good? But.. Even though this package is completely anonymous, without my name anywhere or any kind of letter or note; I'm still thinking she is going to be pissed off somehow and know it will have been from me.
It doesn't help either, that I put Tony's Pizza as the return address. Surely she'll Google it and find out, since she knows its a favorite place of mine to go to.
Yeah.. I'm..
Yeah.
I don't know. The box is all taped up, the labels have just been printed and all I need to do is slap them on and mail it from Edmonton, so that it will have an Edmonton postmark instead of a Fort Saskatchewan one.
If I really wanted to make this anonymous, I'd put a completely fake address and drive out to some out-of-town post office to mail it that way. But, thats a lot of work. And I wouldn't want to use a fake address anyways. If she wants to send the package back, I'm sure the proprieter of Tony's Pizza would appreciate these (dumb) gifts.
But, I'm being naive, aren't I? She's not going to crack a smile at all this, is she. She'll open the package out of curiosity, and will..
Hmm. I don't know what she will do.
She'll see the gifts.. And then wonder who sent it to her. She'll Google the address, and obviously know it wasn't from Tony's Pizza. So who else could have sent it?
Me. Only I would be this stupid.
Right?
I'm caught between a rock and a hard place right now, to recycle a well-worn cliche. I don't know what to do. Whether or not I should send this.
On one hand, it will remind her that I'm still thinking of her and the gifts are well thought out and innocuous. There is no "plz take me back" letter in there, although I did think about putting a note effectively stating just that, but thought against it at the last minute. It was too pitiful of a read that I couldn't bear to include it. I tore out a page from a book called, "Whiskey & A Shovel" by R.H. Sin which is this collection of sad and introspective poetry about relationships. I tore out page 77, which had on both sides, two "poems" that reflected how I feel about Gina.
Yeah, I couldn't include it. I was going to hide it inside of this chicken figurine, but...
What I put in there, is enough.
Enough to make a point of some kind, I guess.
Better to do something than nothing.
(sighs)
I thought about how I made a mistake not wearing gloves while taping all this up. Because my fingerprints are clearly on there. If this actually escalates to a level requiring a police investigation then they will have evidence that I can't deny.
I don't know man.. such a dumb risk. It's stupid.. but..
I love her.
And love is as dumb as a bucket of rocks, which is exactly what my head feels filled up with right now.
I'm not thinking, or maybe I am thinking.
Better to do something, than nothing. This is relatively obtrusive. It's a package in the mail. Had I asked her if I could send it, she would surely have said no. Or ignored me.
That's why I'm making this anonymous. The less ire I can raise, the better.
Because I don't want to piss her off.
I want to send it, and I...
I want to say that I don't.. but.. it feels like there's a window of opportunity. It's Christmas. The gift-giving season. And after this, I don't think I can do anything else. Still no texting, no emails, no phone calls or leaving her stuff at work or her house.
But, she didn't say anything about mail. That's the only loophole I have to defend myself with. As pathetic as it sounds.
...
Obviously I'm going to sleep on this, and see how I feel tomorrow. Christmas is only 11 days away, 10 tomorrow. 7 business days to get it delivered, hopefully in time.
I'm trying to listen to my heart here, and its.. wavering. A little. I want to mail this with complete confidence, but I don't have it.
All I know, is that.. I want to mail it more than I don't.
For better or worse?
Well.. that depends on what "worse" actually turns out to be. If it does get to "worse" than I will surely regret whatever it is. If she's going to text me a spiteful message or something, then I will ignore it. I doubt she'll thank me for this.
I don't think I will respond to her either way.
I don't know.
I want to fight for my love, to prove it. And this.. this is all I've got left. There's only two options: forget her and walk away, or.. this. I don't have any other way of..
Well, unless I finish my book and it gets published, but that is going to be a long while before it happens. If it happens.
I'm such an idiot. Dostoyevsky would agree. And.. hmm. If I told someone what I was doing, mailing gifts to an ex-girlfriend of mine... Well...
They'd probably say the same.
I don't know.
Was our relationship the most amazing and meaningful thing ever? No. But it had the potential to be.
Were we out of sync? Yes, but.. I've put away those childish and fearful notions of mine as far as being a stepdad goes. Or taking the relationship as seriously as she would have wanted me to do, when we were first dating.
Do I love her? Abso-fucking-lutely. No doubt. It's been.. six months now, I think? Six freakin' months since I saw her last.
And.. I still think of her every day.
I think there was a moment on the weekend, where I cried over her for the first time in months. Just a brief dribble of tears before I pushed away those thoughts. Two tears, I think. One was stuck in my left eye, but the one in my right went down the cheek, so..
Yeah. I know if I dwell on her for any extended period of time, I'm going to feel sad. Those feelings are still alive and well inside of me, only now they're somewhat kept caged and under control.
(sighs) Kiley and I have been texting quite a bit lately. She's really testing my patience with how slow she is to respond to texts, and how.. poorly thought out a lot of them are. I don't know how to feel about her, other than to acknowledge that I find her extremely attractive physically. But.. I'm.. I don't know.. I don't feel any emotional generosity on her part, and although she flirted a few times, she's.. she's really kind of.. I don't know. Boring, I suppose? Well, no. She's not boring. She's well traveled and has a masters in philosophy, which I love, but she didn't text much about it. She seems more interested in sex than anything else, which is fine by me since I welcome a simple relationship, but.. I don't want to get my hopes up and I don't know how to... really connect with her through text, even though that is something I'm usually quite good at.
I don't know about her man.. I'll just keep my chin up and try not to think about her too much while I'm waiting an hour or more inbetween texts and getting some questions ignored and.. whatever else. She's a single mom of two young kids, so I wouldn't begrudge her for not having much time for texting. Maybe that's all it really is.
We'll see how it goes.
Tanya stopped texting me. I guess that one is done. Which is okay, since I didn't find her all that interesting, and she seems like.. well.. serious about finding a guy that wants to be in a relationship with her. I got the sense of too much pressure being involved, and I'm okay with her losing interest so I can make a painless exit. There's too much on her plate, and for a single guy like myself, I'd want to be with someone worthwhile, and she hasn't proven herself to be. At least through text, she didn't. No offense to her, but.. I can't claim to be as serious as she is, and that's not fair to the both of us, I guess. I don't want to have to be involved in raising her kids and trying to figure out how to make things work between us. She turned down our date on Saturday because her son sprained his ankle and they had to wait five hours at the clinic. Monday, she was with her eldest son who has some kind of tooth infection I think. They waited a long while too.
I don't know. I smell stress all the way from over here. And a lot of inconveniences for someone who hasn't tried to make herself appealing in any way.
Hmm.
Well. Life goes on, right?
And tomorrow is a new day.
I better think about that package.
Really think.
Or feel.
Really feel.
