Well, not sure what is happening, but Kiley ignored my last two messages again and removed her profile from Tinder or blocked me from there, it seems.
That sucks.
What I posted yesterday was miserable. I wasn't happy with how I felt afterwards. And this visualization thing.. Well.. I don't know anymore. Maybe I was doing it all wrong and for the wrong reasons. I sent Kiley another text to see if she will respond, and if not, then I think thats it.
I'm really confused about the world right now. About myself. About.. everything. I don't know how to.. be the best person I can be, and.. I.. don't like having my faith compromised.
I really don't like it.
Because, it puts me in a helpless state. It tells me, "hey, no matter what you believe, its all random variables and luck, anyways."
It puts all the big questions to rest, essentially answering that none of it really matters if you can't get any tangible results from it. Philosophy can be tossed in the same barrel, since its speculation and not anything that can be applied to my life in any meaningful way. Or have any practical purpose other than to promote further speculation among the intelligentsia.
What then, does the point of life become? How then, should a person conduct themselves if there are no rules to follow other than that which society imposes? Why should morality really matter, apart from wanting to be in good graces? What good are values and principles, when those who circumvent such things, are often more successful and happier than others who stand by them?
I'm thinking now, that.. I don't know. I'm.. having to restructure the way I look at the world, and realize that for all my wishing and wanting; I need to take charge somehow.
Maybe faith does work, no, it does work, but.. if faith inspires confidence, then its not really faith that brings about all good things, is it? Wouldn't it be the confidence that faith develops that has more of a practical value in this world? But what is confidence? Its.. a trusting in yourself, in some ability. Its an attitude, whether it is rooted in self-deception or gross estimation; it is a way of being where you limit and curtail certain emotions/habits that could be destructive to whatever your desires and goals are.
Dog eat dog.. If I look at the world like that, then its basically a case of, "fuck everyone but me" and I don't want that. I want.. I want a better world than that.
I think everybody does.
But..
I don't know.
To succeed in a materialistic world, you have to be a materialist. And if you want to impress or achieve at anything, you have to operate with this thought in mind that everyone's status is defined by how efficient they are at extracting money from their environment. By hook, or by crook.
And not let naive ideas and spiritual beliefs get in the way of doing it.
... God, I've not fully succumbed to accepting these thoughts I'm writing down, but I can see it happening eventually.
Fuck everyone but me.
Kiley and I are having sex.. yeah, okay pal. I've got one more day left of doing this, so I'll honor the promise I've made to myself and carry through the rest of today thinking it. But, it doesn't look ..
Mm.. Not going to admit defeat just yet.
Should I really disregard my interest in all that is spiritual and philosophical and chalk them up to some idiotic fantasy and wish fulfillment? Because, the more I grow older, the more obvious it seems to be just that. Fantasy.
Fantasy.
If that is the case..
Then there is no wonder left in this world.
But.. I've had things happen to me.. Except with this post in mind, I will have to spend some time thinking about how legitimate all these things are. I'm going to have to.. examine them from every angle to try and dismiss/explain the "supernatural" elements that I once was certain to be associated with them.
Wouldn't it..
I don't know where I'm going with this. When I type, I just write without thinking, really. I engage on some kind of free-thinking where I'm not really thinking, and I'm thinking all at once. My fingers are obeying the path of least resistance and perhaps a pause would help in clarifying my thoughts.
...I want to believe in magic. Spirits. God, or Gods.
But... Its.. harder, now.
Maybe.. No. There is *something* that is ephemeral and mysterious in this world and in the cosmos. Its not ever going to be easily explained or understood, but it functions and has a purpose that involves and influences all that is around us.
People have been calling this "force" by many names, and have tried to explain it in many ways.
My thing is though, how.. How can I align myself in a way that is..
Beneficial? To both myself and to this force that I.. I am sure is out there.
A force that religions and mythologies have contradictory ideas about, unless you boil it down to the very basic essence of it being an intelligence that is pervasive throughout the universe.
But.. what does it want? What can it do? How can I utilize it? What is my obligation towards it?
I hate the idea of angels coming down to speak to one person, and then telling them to spread the word out to everyone else. Yes, maybe not everyone is able to hold an audience with divinity; but.. There are so many liars out there. So many who are simply mistaken, or deluded, or..
Whatever. That it is so hard to know what is true, and what is not.
And how a human being must truly be. And what our roles and purposes are on this planet.
Because, for all that we have written over the ages and believed in; there is no.. evidence that is convincing enough to satisfy everyone. But.. maybe.. maybe I'm overlooking something here.
As I said, I write without thinking, sometimes.. it just flows. And as I said a few posts ago, I have read and learned enough. Now I must look within myself to figure out what the big picture really is, instead of having it dictated to me.
But.. if this is really just a free-for-all, and that there is no.. reward for those who place faith in deities; then I don't know what to think. All I can do from here on out, is to become a humanist.
Not a Christian, Muslim, Jew or Mormon.. Just.. a lover of people. Someone who wants the world to be a better place, and is actively working towards making it happen. Even if its just a little bit. A small mark.
A dent in the system, is better than nothing.
I really I have to think about this some more. I thought I had a lot of faith, and even in crisis, I... seem to still do.
And thats something important to try and put my finger on. To understand and make the most of it. To have it steer me in the correct direction that I should be going.
Maybe.. You know, I've thought for a while that I have more faith in God than I do in myself and perhaps that is the problem right there.
I am my own God. I am responsible for my own happiness and my own luck and serendipitous outcomes and chance meetings and all such things.
Miracles. I create my own. Subconciously, or not.
One thing I could use, and I think humanity could use it as well; is a role model. A person who has conducted themselves in righteousness and honor and has been rewarded by the world for it.
And perhaps also, even in the world beyond this one.
As spirits trapped upon this world of matter, we can believe one of two things. That all this is real, and that all this is fake.
By fake, I mean illusory. Sure, its real. But no more real than navigating a character in a video game that you are staring into the screen at. Engulfed in a reality with its own set of rules, much like our own.
There is no such thing as a game without rules. Everything has them. Boundaries, limits.
Except this world seems to have come without any instructions.
And thats the part that bothers me most. Because.. All the prophets of the past, all the psychics and thinkers today, are all claiming different things. So do physicists. The rules are nebulous and malleable it seems. Even gravity has been theorized to not work exactly as science assumed it to be. There is the issue of dark matter and dark energy. The possibility that we live in an electric universe. Or a multi-dimensional one. Or inside one universe of many.
So many conflicting ideas and explanations and theories and hypotheses.
What truly matters to the individual from all this?
Happiness, thats what matters. If we tie it to money, then we will be happy. Simple as that.
If we associate happiness with family; then we will be happy also, should we happen to have one.
Happiness is all that matters. Feeling pleased with yourself or pleasing others. Sometimes it involves both.
I think it comes down to there being only two types of people in this world. The givers and the takers. The selfless, and the selfish.
First, one must identify which of those two they are. And then conduct their lives in accord with their innate quality.
Hm. I'm blathering now. I have every right to be miserable and depressed and demoralized and sad.. but..
I'm more.. disappointed than anything.
Disappointed..
Oh, shit. Kiley messaged me.
I guess its not over yet.
(repeats mantras)
(sighs)
Look at me, scurrying back to having faith again. And wishful thinking. Although I was *this* close to accepting defeat, I haven't. And for that, I'm now breathing more easily. Feeling more secure.
Feeling more confident.
Feeling like I have reason to have faith again.
(sighs)
This life, man.
This life.
