I was going around on NeoGaf when I came across a thread about some car chase going on in LA, so I clicked the link in there..
And it logged me into Facebook. Something I haven't used in over a year, I don't think.
I had three friend requests, my mom, some other guy and.. her.
I'm pretty sure she sent me the request while we were dating, but I didn't know about it until now.
Whats interesting, is that clicking on her name brought up her profile and I was able to view everything on there as if I were already authorized as a friend. It felt weird seeing new photos of her. But.. it was nice, too.
Weird and nice.
I decided against authorizing/rejecting her friend request. Just left it the way it was. Maybe in the future, I'll want to poke my head in and see how she's doing. Although she doesn't use Facebook all that much, anyways.
Today I felt pretty.. lonely, and.. vacant. Empty. My mind is telling me, "don't get attached to this feeling, don't allow yourself to feel controlled by emotions" and my heart is telling me to do something about it.
So, I did. I went on Tinder, and swiped a few girls. Got three matches. One of them was this well-endowed 43 year old who asked me what I was "hoping" to find.
I answered her honestly, saying that long-term/short-term doesn't matter much to me, and that I'm taking things as they come.
She replied saying she was looking for, "Good sex and a laugh...on repeat would be great".
You can imagine how far my eyes bulged out of my head when I saw that.
I joked a bit with her, and.. this suspicious feeling came over me. Something seemed off about the whole thing. What kind of girl would say something like that? And when I gave her my number, she didn't text me later in the evening like she said she would, and instead I got a strange call from a number marked as "possible spam" on my phone. Figures. She must have been a scammer. But, kudos to her for having a bit of conversation with me before handing my number off to someone. If that wasn't a coincidence, that is.
And this other girl.. (sighs) described herself as a feminist, but she had a funny profile and I figured I'd send her a message. It was about Jordan Peterson and the controversy he was in regarding the legislation of pronouns. The conversation was kind of terrible, since I openly expressed disdain towards SJWs and she responded saying that she was "proud" to be one.
Then she unmatched me, rather than discuss any of the points I was making. I made some valid ones, too.
And.. yeah.. Just thinking about Georgina.. not getting anything more than a short text from Ginelle, thinking about how Gynger can't come by or I can't come over because she now has her kid there and is doing group therapy sessions every day. And.. that "good sex and laugh" girl seems to be ignoring me, and then this SJW girl unmatching me.
And.. (sighs)
It's tough, man.
I'm in pain. Right now Jason Bourne just finished, and I'm glancing over at my phone, knowing that no one is going to text or message me.
I..
I know I shouldn't let this bother me, but it does. I really wish I could figure myself out, and hit the reset switch somehow, so that I would be back to the way I was earlier in the summer.
After Gina broke up with me, I was.. alive. Really alive and aware and in tune with everything.
Not anymore.
But, I'm.. not letting it break me. I don't really have a choice, anyways. I don't want to fall down the rabbit hole of self-loathing, even if it seems like I'm already sliding down in that direction without having given my consent.
I don't like who I am right now. I'll be honest about that. My day was boring. I did.. not a single productive thing. Went grocery shopping, but that is nothing worth being proud about.
When I flipped through the James Allen's book, I got this quote:
"Frequently the man of passion is most eager to put others right; but the man of wisdom puts himself right. If one is anxious to reform the world, let him begin by reforming himself."
He's right. He's absolutely right.
But how? How do I start? I don't even quite know what is wrong with me. Its like telling someone they should fix their car, but not really knowing what exactly is causing that grinding noise every time they go into reverse gear. Transmission? Fluids?
I guess the answer is, is to check everything.
So.. I have to check everything, about myself.
But.. Yes, I do have.. passion. I'm sometimes ruled by it. Maybe more times than not.
I also am sometimes ruled by the need for validation. And even though Ginelle gave me a great feeling of it when she came over on Saturday; what happened with us afterwards, is leaving me feeling empty again.
She's just not texting unless I text her first. And I already went two days without sending her a text.
So.. I guess she's not interested.
Or something. I don't know. And maybe, thats for the best.
Maybe I should just be thankful for the memory of that dinner we shared together. And the conversation we had. And the kiss she gave me.
And I should be thankful. But..
Man.. I really want a girlfriend again. I'd like to have someone around in my life, that I can have fun with. Sex with. Good conversation with.
I won't apologize for wanting that. And maybe.. that's the problem. Maybe.. I'm making something so trivial, so important, that its affecting me on a deep level.
I don't know. I just know I feel lonely, and the cure for that would be a good woman.
And I'm plagued with thoughts of the last good woman I had. The one that I saw on Facebook last night.
She's on a bus right now, it seems. Judging by her latest photos. With her kids. Going somewhere. Probably to Calgary, I'd imagine, where some of her relatives are. Maybe to spend Christmas there.
I shouldn't even care, but I do. Even though looking at her photos and her kids, and her.. just feels so strange. Its like she's a different person now. And that she's in a different world than I am.
But we're not really all that different. And we're still in the same world.
Aren't we?
I had a curious theory a while ago, that each time we wake up from sleep, the world changes according to our spiritual needs. But interestingly, the actual world doesn't change, we do. What I mean by this theory, is that imagine if there was an unlimited number of planet Earths around and that each time we fall asleep and "wake up" we return to any one of these Earths, but with a slight *change* in it. A change that we may not notice, but a change that helps facilitate our personal destiny and growth. Kind of like an episode of Sliders, actually.
Except, we aren't traveling anywhere. There are no parallel Earths that exist in any kind of objective, scientifically verifiable way. This falls nicely into the idea of simulation theory, that we all kind of exist in this world that is created for us. Individually. And the world "changes" when we do.
Think about that. Sounds crazy, right? This kind of hypothesis would validate the idea of a "higher" self out there. Meaning that there is a version of you, existing on another plane, that is operating the levers and switches of your existence. Making things happen. Having certain people contact you. And as long as you acknowledge this other version of yourself, it will then acknowledge you. So that also would explain the "law of attraction" that is bandied about in New Age circles. Boom. Two things folded in there.
I'm not completely convinced of that theory, but it does make a certain kind of sense whether its true or not. Not that it could ever be verified, but it does explain a few things and it does point to a kind of personal responsibility that I have to take control of.
Yeah, but its still ludicrous. Still bananas. Even if it seems like a relatively harmless belief to adopt.
But, lets imagine for a moment that this theory is accurate. So then there is a version of myself that is up there, calling all the shots. What do I do with this knowledge? I would have to appeal to myself, and that means I would have to believe there is communication going on between myself and.. uh, myself on another level. I know from experience, that begging and pleading won't amount to much. I also know that freeing myself from attachment, is a hard lesson to learn. So maybe I just need to learn it. Maybe that is why Gina had to break up with me. And that is why some random girl sent a message about "good sex and laughs" to try and test just how attached to outcomes and out of the present moment, I actually am.
One thing that I found hard today, was the present moment. Not thinking about the past or future, but just enjoying the now. Finding happiness in the touch of my fingers upon the keyboard. The inhalation of breath. The sounds that my ears can hear. The feeling of the table pressing into my arms, as I type away. The way my glasses feel on my nose, and the tiny glass border around each of my eyes. Gas escaping my ass. You know, awareness of all that is going on and finding contentment in experiencing what is often passed off as common and mundane.
It is hard to enjoy it. I miss summer. It was so easy to step outside and enjoy the sun. But now its -20c outside, and I'm limited in the things I can do.
Or maybe that is just what I'm trying to convince myself of.
I could still go for a walk by the river valley, if I dress up warmly. I could still date girls, if I reactivate my Okcupid and POF profiles. I could still visit thrift shops and flea markets and do things around the home.
But, I'm not.
(sighs)
I feel like I'm missing something obvious. Something so stupidly in front of my face, that I have convinced myself that it is out of reach, or that it doesn't exist. And I have no idea what this *thing* actually is. Is it a character flaw? Can it be remedied by practicing mindfulness? Is it my need to win approval from others? Is it a need for me to feel validated, and accepted?
Loved?
I don't know. But whatever I'm not seeing, it sucks. It haunts me. Makes me feel small and insignificant. And.. maybe I am. Maybe I need to accept that I'm just another grain of sand in on the beaches of humanity.
And objectively speaking, I am. I'm a snowflake trying to be better than everyone else, and I don't want to be. And yet, I sometimes end up thinking that way.
So then, pride is my biggest problem. Or at least one of the problems I need to deal with. Except, I like my ego sometimes. When its not so moody and insecure. The problem is keeping a consistent point of view and attitude as I move forward. Day to day.
And speaking of which, there are no jobs right now for me to go on. Even if I wanted to. I am bored and wouldn't mind going back to work, but I can't even entertain the thought of it if there are no calls in the hall. There's actually one job right now, but its in Calgary and its probably commercial work. Something I have no experience with. The other two are for apprentices, so I can't take those.
(sighs)
Well, whatever.
I don't know if reading is going to help. Flipping through James Allen is.. helpful at times, but I feel like I can only take him in small, short bursts. I really need to consider his words, sentence by sentence. Instead of going by whole paragraphs and letting all the importance of his teachings, slide off my brain into the subconscious ether without due consideration on my part.
It sucks, man. I haven't even entertained the idea of working on my novel. I just don't feel like writing it. I know I should, but I actually feel more exhilarated about starting something new, and I shouldn't be doing anything until this one is done.
Maybe.. Maybe I need to work on Puer Aueternus instead. The novel I started on 5 years ago.
I don't know.
I'm tired. Weary. Blank. Empty.
Complacent.
In flux.
A little guilty, a little ashamed.
Thinking of my father looking down at me, and him shaking his head. Wondering when I'm going to be able to turn things around for myself.
And me, wondering if anything outside of myself is going to step in and help.
Somehow.
Someway.
Sometime.
And.. I have to stress again, that faith is an important part of who I am. And that in times like this, I should be drawing it closer to me, not pushing it away.
But.. it's not an easy thing to do.
The world makes it hard.
And I suppose, thats the point.
A test.
A test that I don't feel like taking. A test that I've taken many times over the course of my life.
A test that I seem to keep failing.
Or passing. I can never tell, sometimes.
But regardless of the outcome, I...
I have to face the fact that it..
Hasn't done me much good. But maybe it will, someday. Maybe.
Maybe.
And.. That's really all I have right now.
The maybe.
The unknowable.
I'm.. not willing to delude myself. I can't just "trust" in faith. It seems to.. come of its own volition. Whether I need it, or not.
And sometimes it seems to steer me wrong. But.. I'm not dead yet, so I can't say for sure if I've yet to see what my faith will reward me with.
If it rewards me at all.
I just know that I'm.. moving forward. I'm taking two steps ahead, and one step back. Or sometimes, two steps back.
I don't know if I'm making progress, really. The more I learn, the more insecure I seem to get.
The one principle I should be living my life by, is to place trust in "truth". In.. speaking the core of who I am, and how I feel. Without censoring myself, or pretending to be something that I am not.
Just live in truth.
Hmm.
Easier said than done.
"The foolish man accuses others and justifies himself; but he who is becoming wise justifies others and accuses himself."
Growing wise, huh James Allen?
We'll see.
I almost always accuse myself.
