Dum de dum..
Another day, another bit of boredom. Didn't really do anything productive, and when Tanya texted me to ask how my day was, I kind of gave her a shrug of a response saying that it was uneventful.
And it was. I didn't leave the house. Washed the dishes, and thats about it really.
Listened to a podcast...
Yeah, thats it. Seriously, I don't know how I managed to pass the last.. uh, 12 hours without much to show for it.
Hm. No texts from Kiley today, kind of understandable given how it went last night. After that message I sent her, she basically put me into "alpha" mode, where I had the dumb compulsion to become arrogant and somewhat condescending. Oh well.
We're still having sex anyways. That is what I'm telling myself, continuing on with my visualization experiment. See, its not easy to keep it going. I remember when I practiced it to get my first girlfriend, I had this whole ritual laid out. I would have a single candle going in a dark bathroom, I'd lay down (always) this purple towel to kneel on, and I would visualize the shit out of Michelle becoming my girlfriend while completely naked and occassionally cutting myself with a knife.
Yeah, dark dark times. It did work though. Took less than a week, too.
But back then, I had a strong sense of urgency and willpower, and.. hmm. Innocence, I suppose. Nobody told me that what I was doing wasn't going to work. I convinced myself it would. It *had* to work. Ritualizing the process of visualization was the key to it all, I think.
That, and of course, the strong emotions I put behind it. It was a lot of work actually. Work that I'm not exactly putting in at the moment, as far as Kiley goes.
But I'm plugging away. I'm affirming having sex with her throughout the day. Again, if it works, great. If not, that's fine too.
Texting with Tanya today is kind of blah. She admitted last night that she doesn't enjoy texting, and I'm okay with not doing it much. I'm sure she would enjoy getting a phone call from me, but I don't want another three hour conversation. I also have no idea what we could talk about, since I'm still in the dark as to what she is passionate about and what our mutual interests might be.
I joked with her on the phone yesterday about how I was recording the conversation so I could transcribe it word for word onto my blog. The thing is, I have this call recorder app going that automatically records every phone call I make, so hilariously enough, I wasn't exactly joking with her when I said that. So, I listened to a bit of it earlier today, and I just love the way she laughs. I'm excited to see if I get to hear it in person, maybe tomorrow even.
Hmm.
I for some reason, seem to be.. mindful of my body today. More so than normal. For some reason, I'm aware of my biceps more than anything else. They feel strong. Prominent. Something to be proud about. And sexy. I have no idea why I'm fixating on them, or why I've been having moments here and there throughout the day where I'm feeling attractive and sexually-appealing. It's really strange, but hey, can't complain about it. I'm enjoying this bit of a boost to my self-esteem.
Maybe its related to the visualization/affirmations I've been doing. Could be, who knows? I might be being led towards a certain path, or shift in attitude. And those thoughts could be manifestations of the process.
I also have had the urge to go downstairs, whip off my shirt and jeans and start working out with music blasting. Thats another weird thing. I'm seriously considering it, but the habit of procrastination is still dominating my judgement.
After this week is up with Kiley, I think I'm going to try actually putting visualization to better use. I want to become an author. I want to finish my book, and I want it to be as well written as possible. To a standard that I can be happy with and that others will enjoy. For me, the reason/ratio for wanting to write the book, is kind of like 35% money, 35% for myself and 30% for an appreciative audience. I don't want to create a book for the sake of making money, but if I'm able to make money, then I can devote my life to being creative, rather than to suffer a job that I dislike doing.
Tanya impressed me with how ambitious and hard-working she is. I'm hoping that maybe if we hit things off, some of her will rub off on me. And I, uh.. will rub her.. I mean, rub one off, uh.. nevermind.
Here I go again, attaching myself to an outcome that may or may not come true.
I should know by now never to count my tadpoles before they hatch.
Just take it as it comes. Whatever life decides to throw at me. Or whatever God does. Or whatever button and switches my higher-self is manhandling around to get me to go where I need to be.
And to learn the lessons that I must learn.
Although I believe in reincarnation, I still have to treat this life as if it was the only one I have. My only chance.
And so far, it feels like I'm sort of blowing it.
Granted, I'm not at the end of my life yet to know for sure whether I have wasted this opportunity, this gift, but at the moment I do feel like..
I don't know. I feel like I'm going somewhere. Heading someplace. Being prepared for something.
And all these heartaches are going to amount to something important. Some kind of situation will happen that will necessitate the gathering of all the wisdom of these past experiences, so that I can overcome them. And surpass obstacles that formerly would have intimidated and baffled me. If this is what is happening, then I can see the point of what I've gone through.
Sometimes to get to heaven, once must first pass through hell.
You cannot appreciate the sweet, without knowing the sour.
Bliss without misery, is not bliss at all. It is simply a state of being that is taken for granted if you have no idea what misery is.
That's kind of encapsulates the sentiment of western civilization I think. We're so lucky and fortunate to be here. In these places where everything is available, and we aren't worrying about war or genocide or starvation or disease. Its not a utopia, but Canada and America are somewhat the best places in the world to be alive in. Yes, I know about Norway and other European countries, so maybe I'm not quite in the right when stating an opinion like this. Clearly I'm biased.
And blessed.
So blessed, that I'm not grateful enough to repay all that I have been given.
No, I've taken it for granted. Just like everyone else, or most people have been doing.
I still remember the Cuban lady I worked with, who told me the story of how she cried when she first visited a supermarket after fleeing her home country. She could not believe how much food was available. Such a thing we all take for granted, and she was so overcome with emotion that she wept.
Right there in the store.
That says something. Doesn't it?
We're all blessed. And we must stop taking our luxuries for granted. Consumerism is a shitty thing. Capitialism and democracy are breaking down. Money is the measure of man and power and influence, and its effects are demoralizing and dehumanizing because of how important it is growing to be. Day after day.
We deserve better than this, even though this is pretty good as it is.
Hmm.
Democracy 2.0.
Government, evolved.
And people, too. People is where change comes from. People can influence government, and corporations, even if they feel helpless and powerless to do so.
Mm.
My novel.. I really need to get cracking on it. I've got my last chapter finished, so I have to start thinking of the next one.
Now that my characters are leaving the hospital to go on their adventure, I have a lot of options to choose from as far as being creative goes.
I'm looking forward to it.
Mm.
Enough rambling for now.
