(sighs) This teaches me to get excited over someone who sends nude photos and claims to want a steady sexual partner, with no strings attached.
Looking at my messages, I've come to conclude that I was much too eager about the idea and my enthusiasm seemed to have turned her off. When I'm nervous and uncertain, I tend to ramble and blab and that never turns out well for me. It didn't turn out well when Carolyn sent me the breakup texts, and it hasn't turned out well with Kiley, either.
I like learning from what I've done wrong in the past, so I don't repeat my mistakes. And I think I figured out that I need to really, REALLY learn to be relaxed and unattached to outcomes. Just take everything with a grain of salt and not act as anyone but myself.
But, Kiley made it pretty hard and I suppose that was a good test for myself. To see if I can hold onto my autonomy and self-control. Totally failed it, obviously, but at least I know what I did wrong.
I just wasn't myself. I wasn't thinking clearly. Too blinded by the idea of having sex for the first time in months, that I couldn't contain my excitement over it. And for women, they don't want an excited man around. They want someone who is cool as a cucumber. Steve McQueen, or.. uhm, Denzel Washington. A guy that doesn't give two fucks about whether or not some chick rejects him, because he knows there are other girls out there who won't reject him. Lots of other girls.
And it's just a waiting game, really.
Its so interesting though. This girl sent me nude photos, talked about having a casual sex relationship and when I allowed myself to get excited, she withdrew. Undoubtedly because I wasn't appealing enough. Too eager, too excited. Too.. much of a spaz, I suppose.
I can sort of see where she's coming from.
This is one of those situations where I kind of know what the reason is, and what went wrong, but I can't quite articulate them into words. Being overly eager/passionate/horny clouded my judgement; so therefore in the future, I'm just going to have to ...
Weird. JUST AS I WAS TYPING THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH, Tanya sent me a message after I stopped talking to her for a few days. Here is an example of my being "cool as a cucumber", because I wasn't invested emotionally into the idea of being with her. I shrugged her off and now despite my not texting her, she's texting me.
(sighs) Supply and demand, folks. Having too much of something = less demand. The less I care, the better. The less interested I seem, the more intriguing I become.
With Kiley, I was pretty much responding to her texts almost instantly. With Tanya, I took my time and replied whenever.
The difference is obvious. The lesson seems obvious, too.
And now that I think about it, what if I get messaged someday by a VERY attractive girl? Will I fall to pieces? Actually, I was messaged by someone who was incredibly attractive a few years ago that I went out on a date with. I thought we hit it off okay, but I never heard from her again until a few years after that. And when we ran into each other the second time, I was just.. ambivalent and non-chalant and kind of shoved her away because I didn't like how she left me hanging after our first date. I didn't feel like giving her another chance. That was a big step for me back then, to look at a pretty girl and say, "nope!" without feeling bad about it.
Tanya's message is still blinking on my phone, and I'm playing it cool. I'll get to it "whenever", I'm not going to rush into sending out a reply. She obviously wants us to meet and go out, and I'm really kind of meh about it. Even if the possibility of us having sex is a likely one.
Women are such strange creatures. If a guy had a girl falling over him wanting to have sex, he'd be feeling pretty good about himself and will more often than not, accommodate her wishes. Not so the other way. Except in certain cases..
One thing I learned, is that honesty goes a long ways. I haven't mastered this virtue as much as I'd like to, but just saying whats on my mind, good or bad, is better than fumbling around in the dark blabbing like a loon. Women like to know that a man has integrity and is true to himself. If a man is a sex-fiend and admits to it; its far more attractive than some schmuck "trying" to play it cool and failing miserably by not speaking what he truly feels.
I'm remembering how well texting went for me over the summer. I was.. me. I was honest. Forthcoming. Sexual. Funny. Charming. I took my time responding to messages if the phone wasn't near me, or if I was in the middle of enjoying a good song, or reading or whatever. I didn't jump around like a drooling, excited dog that slipped off his leash and was wandering the neighborhood.
Hmm. Honesty. Self-control. Confidence. You can't fake these things. Better to admit your flaws than to gloss over them. Better to speak your mind, than worry about what the other person thinks. But at the same time, exhibit class, vulnerability, self-respect and authenticity.
These are all obvious ways of being for a man, and yet despite my knowing all this, I've yet to master everything. I really want to, but that means.. I have to stop thinking like this is the only opportunity I'll ever get in my entire life, because time has proven life to be full of surprises. Every time I worry about not being able to get a girlfriend, or not having sex; I seem to get tossed for a loop when someone randomly and unexpectedly arrives.
Like Gina. Lauren. Crystal. Cassandra.
Kiley. Tanya.
With those first four girls, I never saw them coming. They were unexpected surprises, and I wasn't falling head over heels with them when we first started texting. I wasn't biting my nails in anticipation of meeting them in person. I was just.. me. Taking it as it came. No pressure on myself, and in the case of Crystal, she came straight to my house and we had sex for over six hours. And she was really attractive, which is why we had sex for six hours :P
With Crystal, my texting game was really on another level. My honesty flag was waving in plain sight as I discussed how fun it would be for us to have sex and that we were both mature adults, etc etc. Same with Stephanie a few years ago when I joked with her about coming over for a "one day stand" which she actually consented towards, despite us never having met at that point.
Such a weird thing I tell you. Its like I know how to be and feel and act and do, but I become my own worse enemy when I ignore how I truly feel and instead.. kind of fake my way through these interactions and take them way too seriously.
Thats it. I think I distilled it. Stop taking things so seriously.
Just be myself. Rejection is not the end of the world, and my happiness should always come first.
My happiness always comes first.
And I'm most happy, when I'm true to myself.
So.. that said, here it is:
All ready to go, but will I be mailing it?
After I posted yesterday's blog entry, I sat by the fireplace and really tried to examine how I felt about sending it. One of the things I tried to do, was to pay close attention to my "inner" voice.
I asked myself, "should I send this?"
And the answer I got back was, "no. Don't."
And I asked this voice if this means I will never see her again.
The "voice" then said, "she'll come around."
She'll come around.
I want to believe it, but I... I've been led astray a few times in my life by this voice. I.. don't know how much of it is my imagination.
I still remember the voice as I was looking into the mirror, shaving, before I was heading over to Amy's place a few years ago. It told me that the girl of my dreams would arrive, and that I had nothing to worry about. I was in pieces back then, and the voice I heard was the clearest most unsolicted and unexpected "sound" I had heard before, or since.
But.. that was what? 2012? Was it right or wrong? Four years later, it could have applied towards Gina, which as we already know, has been fucked beyond repair, it seems. Total failure.
So.. will the "voice" ever.. hoo boy.. now Kiley just texted me, saying again that she wants a "lover".
Gah.
C'mon bruh. This is ridiculous.
And now I'm rambling in this post.
I guess I worked it out. Be true to myself. Be honest. Be authentic. And all good things will come to he who is patient enough and confident enough in themselves to be able to wait.
Now I have to figure out what to say to Kiley. Heh. Knowing all this, I'm going to try and be honest and authentic, but its not easy shoving my ego aside and speaking truly. Sometimes its easy, and sometimes it isn't. Especially when I want something badly. Especially so.
So then... that makes sense. A truly confident man who is able to get laid as often as he wants, would have the attitude of not wanting someone so badly. Thats the attitude that makes him appealing, right? Confidence.
Confidence, David.
(sighs)
That package... Kiley. Tanya... I have these little dramas going on in my life that are demanding my attention. They feel like tests to me. Testing to see if I would be able to hold onto myself and be the man I want to be.
Its all a journey, leading to something great.
I'm sure of it.
I don't think...
(sighs) I d.. I don't think I can mail the package.
I want to though.
But...
(sighs)
I'm still undecided. And since there is no rush, I'm going to.. well, actually there is a rush if I want her to get it before Christmas.
You know what? I'm going to try and be honest with myself. If I don't feel certain about sending this package, then I won't. But if I ever do, then I will.
That's all there's to it.
I don't feel certain about it now.
So I won't.
But who knows how I will feel tomorrow.
What a life man.
What a life.
Back to it I go.
