My curiosity (and annoyance) over her ditching me on Saturday, prompted me to ask her why we couldn't have met on Saturday instead of having to wait yet another week to meet her.
Well, I got a response this morning, and she basically told me "maybe its not meant to be. Maybe I'm not your gal. Good luck in your search :)"
Women. (mutters under breath)
Just gives up rather than be honest and apologetic. I wrote back asking how is it that she knows that she's not my "gal" and for whatever reason, I gave her a link to "Drive" by The Cars, saying she reminded me of that song.
And I just sent Kiley a "g'morning Kiley" message along with a shirtless photo of myself. She seems enthusiastic about it. Giving me a "hot D!" message :)
Except she doesn't like the fact that I'm a smoker. Oh well. Nobody's perfect.
Hoo boy, Kiley is all excitedly messaging me now after I sent her that shirtless photo. Here it is for reference:
I remember feeling pretty good when I took that photo. Not the best angle or composition, but its decent enough.
Whoa, Kiley message incoming.. She's really militant about my quitting smoking. Says she can't stand it, and that she smoked for 15 years.
She's really sending out the texts all fast and furious now.. what a strange turn of events. That photo made her bananas apparently.
Sheesh. Women.
(mutters some more)
I should quit smoking, I suppose. I did quit for a year at one point, but took it up again.
Funny story about that, I remember exactly when and where I was when I decided to quit. I was at work, inside of a port-a-potty and just dumped out all my Bullseye Cherry flavored cigarettes into the toilet. And the reason for this? I made a deal with "God" that if I quit, he'd have to get me the woman of my dreams.
A year later, it didn't happen. And so, I started up again. Not really sure why, but it was probably out of spite. I felt as if the "bargain" I made wasn't being upheld. Silly me, expecting a miracle to happen.
But miracles can happen, I know this. Maybe "deals" can't be so easily made, but I was hoping something "out there" would have taken notice of my reasons for doing something that I have been doing for over 15 years by that point. Or 20, actually. Twenty years of smoking was no easy thing to get over and I figured the effort deserved a reward.
Quitting was its own reward, I guess.
Meh. If only it was so easy to strike a deal with God like that... But, I honestly believed/wanted to believe it was possible.
I don't know anymore. Again, I've tried so hard for so long, that very little seems to stick as far as negotiating with a higher power goes. Or maybe I'm just doing it all wrong. Maybe I am my own higher power.
Funny, as I was typing the above paragraph, Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" came on over my headphones. Think my playlist is on shuffle, too. No, wait. Its the "radio" that Google Play is going off of from that "Drive" track.
*yawns* .. What a way to wake up this morning. To that message from Tanya, and then a deluge from Kiley.
Now, "Burning Heart" by Survivor is on. Great song.. sounds super familiar, as if it was in a Rocky film, but its not Eye of the Tiger.. Hmm. Wonder where I first heard this.
Dum de dum de dum.. Wonder what I'm going to be doing today. Not really sure, but I do have a few things here and there that has to be done.
Ah, life. Life life life. The greatest mystery. Why are we here? To live, obviously. But is there anything else besides survival? Are we obligated to achieve something? I'd think so. I think even the newly born child who passes away from SIDS has served a purpose of some kind, as confusing and strange it would be. We all serve our purposes. This is all.. an illusion.. a simulation.
Pretty darn sure of it actually. There's a reason why the Matrix resonated so strongly with people when it came out. Because it has an element of truth to it. People knew what was being communicated through the thick fog of their personal amnesia in regards to the big picture. I suppose the next question is, are we slaves or are we free?
I think the answer to that, is yes and no. I believe in something between free will and determinism.
I think the whole point of all this, is to experience. But.. to what end? Union with God? I could see that, but what is God? How can a mere mortal hope to relate to such a vastly superior intelligence, if not by experiencing all that the universe has to offer through multiple lifetimes?
Makes sense to me. If I designed the universe, and wanted to see my creations (children) come to me, then they would have to have earned the right and ability to be able to stand on equal footing. The slave becomes the master, or perhaps the master becomes the slave. Maybe there is no actual superiority or supremacy involved. Its just a matter of experience, and the wisdom that experience brings.
Mm, who knows.
Thats the sad part. Had there been a God, an omnipotent intelligence; then you would think it could communicate more directly with all of us. To remove the ambiguity of our existence. If such a being is non-linear as far as time goes; then it would be patient, because it would already know the outcome. Still, though. Is this an ant farm? Can an ant ever break free and explore outside of its prison cell?
Perhaps, perhaps not. But there's no denying that effort is respected either way.
Mm... "Amanda" by Boston is on now.. I remember this song when I put it on a mixed tape I made for Amanda Simpson, back when I was 18 or so. She was this Australian, older single mom that was head over heels with me, and wanted me to come visit her. At her expense. I couldn't do that, and so we drifted apart and she got married, etc.
Well.. a new day, means new things to do.
Guess I'll go do them.
Whatever they are.
