No, the fridge magnet didn't magically re-appear yet, but as I'm watching Cloverfield Lane (a terrifying film so far), I felt a thought enter my mind about something completely unrelated.
Gina. Yeah, it relates to her and our relationship. I had the epiphany of realizing that it was the pain of my past relationships, and the pain I've deeply buried within myself; to be one of, if not the principal cause of how terribly it ended with us.
Despite how sweet and beautiful and good and kind she was, I met her with a suspicious eye from day one. I never quite allowed her to see into the deepest parts of my being.
Because I was terrified of that part of myself. There is a kind of creature that exists down there, which ex-girlfriends among other things, bear responsibility for having given shape towards. It's the monster of misogyny, the silent contempt I carry inside that is not being given immediate and needed relief.
But, Gina really did try her best. She did as much as she could, until her spirit gave out, and I disrespected her for it after. She really did try, and I really didn't. I didn't give myself up to her like she did with me.
What a wrong-doing I have committed. No wonder she broke up with me the way she did.
In her eyes, I am guilty of having conned her, somehow. To give so deeply of her spirit, that I knowingly would betray her kindness later. That is not true. I have always desired a woman like Gina in my life, and I prayed and hoped for almost 15 years now, that I would find the girl of my dreams. Someone that she so closely resembles.
But... After all I've been through, I just.. found it hard to have hope. I felt defined by my lack of it and carried this identity around of needing to be spiritual and learning about spirituality, so I could find a solution to my despair. I essentially immersed myself in spiritual thinking and searching, for the sole purpose of finding a way to extract myself from this mess that has been dropped into my lap without my having given consent or being the one that is responsible for cleaning it up.
It's not entirely my mess, you know. It's been pressed upon me. It's what the experience of my life has lead towards feeling. This resentment. This.. remorse.
And so.. I now know what Gina might have seen or found reason to break up with me over. It's this. That pain of mine that she can't quite articulate, but intuitively understands and is afraid of. She doesn't want to suffer along with me. She does not think that I am worth the Herculean effort it appears to involve in making me into the best person I can be.
I haven't earned her confidence. Her affection. Her goodness. Her attempts to make me happy.
And that is what I once told myself, a couple of months after we started dating. "She's too good, I haven't earned her."
I was deeply puzzled by when I first said that to myself. Here she was, the woman of my dreams, and I'm thinking that I haven't earned her? Well, I sure deserve her. Don't I?
I sure asked for her.
That's the funny thing about being given something for nothing. To have this expectation that God or some higher-power will grant you a wish, should you pray and meditate long and hard enough. It just doesn't feel good, when the wish is finally granted. It doesn't. Its honestly a bit unsettling.
That was the way I was feeling, around two months into the relationship. This odd sense that somehow it was all going to end, no matter how good it seemed to already be going. That no matter what I said or did, the relationship will inevitably end sooner that I might predict and that I would be suffering yet another heartache. And this prophecy became true. Even if it might have been a self-fulfilling one.
And it's a terrible feeling to have. That inability to trust someone, to know whether or not they are honest and sincere. That feeling absolutely sucks.
I look at the world today, and I justify those feelings to myself by taking in sight the many ways of how we are fucking ourselves over as a civilization.
I look at climate change, and how we can expect a catastrophic event, within the next couple of decades. At the earliest.
I'm mindful of how divisive politics has become, and how corrupted and useless many policitians happen to be. And they get elected not because of their credentials, but because they are really the least-offensive candidate for the job. Or the only ones. So our minds lead us to believe.
I look also, at my job and how we insulators seem to not have as much work these days that many of us are worried about the future of the industry, and whether or not we will find work enough to earn a living by.
I get cynical whenever I look at the media, at how much garbage is being produced. And how artistic vision has been compromised for profit and social status. To make a quick buck, even if it involves cheating people out of it with dishonest advertising.
I see the effects that social media has. The harm it causes to people. To women and men alike. Dividing everyone into smaller and smaller bubbles, rather than grow a collective and noble vision together. I see how banal that experience now is. Despite how useful of a tool it has sometimes proven itself to be. Social media is simply populated with the worst that humanity has to offer, when it comes to expressions of lucidity and reasonable intelligence. Compassion too, is a rare quality to come across on social media. Although Social Justice Warriors will try and convince everyone of just how compassionate they truly can be, and it is this ugly race going on between being sensible and those that are so willing to part with their entitled freedoms. Such as the right to not have a personal photo or video posted up on social media for everyone to critique and make you feel small and freakish. Or the right to privacy, which is fast becoming an antiquated concept in these modern times.
I know how much it all sucks. I know how my past relationships were hard on me, but should I give into that cynicism? Should I flip the switch and resign myself?
Hell, no. I won't. I'll do everything I can to keep my head above water. I am fearing the worst, but preparing for the best. I can't give into the luxury of judging anyone now. I can only try and keep optimistic yearnings alive, and to do that, means to begin thinking the best of other people. Not the worst. Especially when you have only just met them, or haven't met them yet.
Which is why I was so impressed that Ginelle agreed to come over for dinner this Saturday. Our first date, and its at my house. She trusts me, it seems. Sure, maybe she's crazier and reckless, but she at least is unafraid of placing trust into people. She's not going to panic about making sure the car door is locked while she is inside of a mall, shopping. She is not going to grimace at the news, and deny herself the chance to put a positive spin on negative events. Even if its done in a sarcastic way. I know this thing about people. I know that anyone accepting an invitation to meet a stranger at their house, is someone who is capable of giving trust and being trusted. Either that, or they're fearless and dumb, which is not who I think most of the women that have come over on the first date, has really demonstrated the qualities of.
So yeah.. I figured out another part of the puzzle. Treat others as you wish to be treated. That old cliche made manifest in personal experience, which is as Confucious once stated to be, "The bitterest of all teachers."
Trust in others, as I'd want to trust them to trust in myself.
Until I have reason not to do so, I must stop judging them for longer than an acceptable period of time. There is only so much patience that people have, before it runs out.
I have to trust someone to be able to reveal my pain to them. Otherwise, the burden of it will kill the relationship if it goes on unacknowledged. To reveal it, is to invite discussion. And to invite discussion, means to invite the opportunity for healing and self-transformation. The opportunity to build trust.
The opportunity to become whole.
So, yeah..
Cloverfield is scary as fuck.
Back to watching it I go.
