Mm, I didn't put in too much effort today in visualization/affirmations as far as Kiley went, but I gave it more lip service than I expected to, being how.. well, bummed out I was.
Just bummed out for no real reason I think. After I dropped Gyngie off in the morning, I went for a walk on Whyte Ave and picked up a few things here and there. A new ashtray and a bunch of books. Nothing too amazing. Three by T. Lobsang Rampa, one by Ken Wilber and a Bertrand Russel one.
I believe one's personal home library can reveal a lot about a person, and in my case, I have mostly spiritual/religious/philosophical/science fiction in it. There's a bunch of biographies too, a lot of Piers Anthony, Dean Koontz and Steven King. And various non-fiction things like, "Retired Racing Greyhound dogs for Dummies". Random, random stuff.
Had I been a kid growing up with myself, I would love the selection of books I've got. There's a little bit of something for everything. And this is partly why in the back of my mind, that I enjoy keeping a collection of books around. Because I have the faint hope that someday I will have a child growing up with me, and he/she will get to peruse what I have. The books that have defined me, might in turn, define someone else.
*sighs* I am on awkward texting terms with Tanya right now. Ever since she left off with "cool" as her last message yesterday; I just didn't bother writing her anything up until an hour ago where I sent her a picture of the jellyfish I got at the flea market.
And asked her how she was doing. She hasn't responded. Whether that means she is asleep or ignoring me, I have no idea.
It's not easy being a single mom of three kids, I'm sure. I can see how she wouldn't have much time for exploring a new relationship; but I have to remember how it was with Gina. Gina always made time for me whenever she could, and was willing to stay up late in the evening just to text/talk to me.
Can't say the same for Tanya, unfortunately. Maybe its that third child that is taking up more of her time, I don't know. Or her job.
I tried asking her what her schedule was, and couldn't get a straight answer. Tried asking what time she goes to sleep at, and the answer varies too. Sometimes she stays up all night. Sometimes she stays up really late, and sometimes she goes to bed before 11.
How can I.. interact with someone who.. I have no idea of what they are doing at the moment? It would really help if I knew that from 3pm-6pm she is available for whatever, and that we could go have coffee or something. Or that on Thursday her ex is taking the kids. Or that on Friday, she is getting a babysitter and will be free.
I'm not getting any of that. I can't invite her out to do anything if her schedule is all over the place. This relationship is basically in her hands at the moment, and we haven't even met yet. And she's ditched me twice already, actually three times if you'd count last Saturday where she decided hanging out with a friend and helping them clean the house is more important than making up for ditching me twice.
Mm. Thats why it was interesting this morning, when Gyngie asked me if I heard the doorbell rang. I was confused and said that I didn't, but she claimed that she heard it rang and that I went to answer it and.. neglected to inform me that she was actually talking about a dream she had, and that there was some girl with a knife asking where I was and I had to take the knife from her, etc.
It was such a strange story, that I immediately had Tanya pop into my head and went to peek outside to see if there was any footprints or tire tracks in the driveway. It was inconclusive, so I couldn't figure out if she was half-dreaming and did hear the bell ring, or if it was entirely a fabrication of her imagination.
"Kiley and I are having mindblowing sex."
Yeah, Kiley Kiley.. She hasn't messaged me today and I haven't either. Women, I tell you. I bet if I sent her a photo of my dick, she'd respond immediately with a winky emoticon and not much else. Not that I would do such a thing, but she does seem like the sort who expects/is used to this kind of stuff. Problem is, I'm really not a vulgar alpha-male, and somehow I think that is what she is secretly after. Although I'm not sure about that, even. Which is making our interaction more difficult and awkward than it needs to be.
Still though, the mantras are being repeated and I did write down that we are having sex and so sex will happen, eventually. Just have to be patient.
Can't say I put my best effort today into visualization, but something tells me that a woman's imagination and fear of rejection is going to get the better of her at some point. And I am still sort of the mysterious, younger man that she is interested in having sex with.
And will be having sex with.
Just got to twiddle my thumbs for now, I suppose. I'm not even feeling horny about the idea either, I just want to get it over with. Granted, I was pretty worked up at first, but this lack of communication on her part is making me ambivalent, almost. Had it not been for this experiment; I would've given up on her at this point I think. But I know that the mind is a powerful thing, and that the law of attraction does work to a certain extent, and that (small) miracles can happen; as long as I believe in them.
And its a reasonable wish of mine, for us to have sex. Which we will, by the way.
Heh. How many days of this do I have left..? Hmm. Its Monday, so three more to go. I should get into my closet and really lay the visualization on thick. At least for ten minutes, just so I can go to sleep with a clear sense of satisfaction at having put the "work" in.
Mm. I'm tired right now. Not a very eventful day. Didn't get a single message/call from anyone.
It was beautiful outside, too. I enjoyed the short walk I had on Whyte this morning, but Fat Franks was closed, so I couldn't get myself a delicious bacon/cheddar hot dog like I wanted to. Curses! I think they're closed on Mondays, so.. what a downer that was.
Funny, I've been playing with my stepdad's (ex) MacBook Pro which is a 2012 model with a 15.4" screen and an almost 1TB hard drive; and I actually prefer my 2009 13" model more than I do that one. Even though the darn trackpad doesn't depress anymore and I have to "tap" to click. Funny how that is. I'm so familiar and used to this tiny, lightweight laptop; that I'd rather give up extra processing power, hard drive space, an updated OS, RAM, stereo speakers and a better looking screen with more real estate. Because typing on my blog, occasionally burning mix cds and working on my novel; this little guy is still doing a fine job of it all.
One thing that I "learned" today as I flipped through the new books was that I "learned" enough. It was an odd realization to know that I have spent so much of my life absorbing information, that I haven't spent enough time in contemplation of it all. Its like I've been so busy collecting, that I forgot about having to assemble the puzzle and that I have a lot of duplicate pieces scattered about.
There is a puzzle to be assembled, of course. A puzzle that answers the questions I most wonder about. Is there a God? What is my relationship to him? What kind of "powers" do I have, on a metaphysical level? Can I really affect reality with my mind? Did Jesus exist exactly as he was written? How much of the Bible is true? The Koran? The Upanishads? How good of a philosophy is Buddhism actually is? Does Gnosticism make more sense, or should some kind of integrated individual belief system be constructed instead?
Are there aliens out there? If so, what is their purpose? Why are they here? What are they? Was there an Atlantis? Did Edgar Cayce really have his powers? Is there even such a thing as psychic ability? Did Nostradamus really foretell the future, or was he just insane?
Is reincarnation real? Why do I feel a certain "link" to a deceased celebrity and why do I have faint memories of being that person? Are they actually memories? Or just my ego?
What is my destiny? How can I become a better person? What principles should I live my life by? How can I find happiness in within, rather than from outside myself; even though I know that my happiness depends on relationships? How can I learn to love myself? How can I be more productive and feel more fulfilled?
How do I stop procrasinating so much? Why is it that I'm still compelled to write in this blog every couple of days since Gina broke up with me? Why am I thinking that all this is so important, when more important things have happened to me in my life that I did not discuss on this blog? Why is writing all this down now, more important than before?
What is my purpose in life? What can I do to make it better? To make other people's lives better? How can I entertain and educate them as well as myself? How can I earn a living doing what I love, and how do I go about finding out how to monetize what I love doing; without feeling guilty about being paid for it?
How can I live in a world like this, and still retain hope, faith and trust in other people? How can I trust myself? How can I open my heart up to love another human being, when it seems that they are incapable of doing the same? Why would I want to give selflessly, when I am receiving little or nothing in return? What fills my reservoir? What replenishes my soul?
How can.. How can ..
(sighs)
How can.. boy am I stumbling here.. I know I have more questions, but this next one just doesn't want to come out. It's a painful one, and I think it would be easier to just leave it alone. I don't have to write down every darn thing that I wonder about. Or has happened to me.
There's no reason for me to expose myself completely to a blog, if I don't feel any better for doing it.
Mm. Despite my uncertainty right now, I think this is go-time. This is where faith has to kick in when I need it most. So how does one restore and express faith?
Prayer? Hm. Meditation. Double Hm. Visualization? Mm, hmms.
All these things help, for sure.
But they require desire. Action. Habit.
There is a mental block inside of me that is.. weary of being proactive about taking charge of my life. I've struggled for so long and have suffered so much; that I would appreciate having good things happen to me that doesn't require much effort in getting. If any.
Basically, I'd prefer to sit around and wish that I'd win the lottery of self-fulfillment than to actually go and make things happen.
Let me tell you, video games, movies and television are the worst. They are so distracting. So.. soul-sucking, that I consciously am aware of having "dodged" the necessity of my being introspective and learning to live in the moment of the reality I am in. No matter how boring and uneventful it may seem. All these distractions are taking me away from whats really important. The boredom, and what I have to do about it.
Or how loveless life seems to be. How unhappy I truly am for the way my life has turned out. Good intentions, or not.
Mm. Big questions demand big answers, but they really need only to be short concise ones.
And I have an inkling of what it is that the answers are, but.. that requires trust in myself to accept them. I just have too much uncertainty about what is, and what isn't false, in this mysterious world we live in. And maybe I shouldn't be thinking about it so much, or worrying.
But I am, and I do.
And.. yeah.. I am waiting for the miracle.
And I still think of my ex. And my father, who has got to be disappointed with me if he has followed the last few months of my everyday existence, I'm sure.
Please forgive me dad, if you are watching. You know that I have a good heart and an innocent soul that doesn't wish to be trampled upon or scorned for being "different" than what is expected and construed as being "normal" in this fucked up, cynical, materialistic world we live in.
Yeah, I'm cynical too. The soul of humanity is in pain at the moment, and it is painful to witness the death of imagination and spirit and innocence.
And love..
When was the last time anybody heard a newly-released love song on the radio? I'm talking something like Whitney Houston's cover of that Dolly Parton song; or a song like "Love Hurts" by Nazareth, or any Roy Orbison song? Could a Roy Orbison survive in today's entertainment industry? Would he have to be on Twitter? YouTube? Facebook? Getting followers and constantly touring and marketing himself and crafting an image and hustling?
Fuck, no. Whatever happened to being rewarded justly, for artistic expression? Why should it have to be such a struggle nowadays to put out great art and not.. hustle and compromise the integrity of your character/beliefs to do it?
I'm not saying that doesn't exist anymore; Glen Hasgard/Ray Lamontagne both come to mind -- but, these kind of men are getting fewer and fewer. And very few people are even aware of them. I don't think I've heard any of their songs on mainstream radio.
Mm, what a life.
Good thing Kiley and I are fucking.
Three more days to go.
And I can stop being a broken record.
