Man, life I tell you. I'm..
Haha.. man.. (shakes head)
See, the situation I'm in right now would have driven the old me into pieces. But, I'm actually.. not happy, but amused. Very amused.
More so at myself than anything else, really. Well, except for life I suppose.
I can't even articulate exactly how or why I'm feeling like this, because it will take a lengthly explanation and I don't feel like going into the particulars. Just that I'm resisting the swing. The swing of the pendulum whereas I ordinarily would have succumbed to it.
Yeah, I'm going full on mystic mumbo-jumbo now and the Kybalion has left some deep marks in me.
I'm resisting, and I am laughing.
Smiling, inwardly to be precise.
I would think I'm practicing some form of masochism here. Making a bad situation almost appealing, preferable even. Just to see how comically tragic it can get.
Mm, part of the reason for this shift in mood was that I followed a link from a forum to a Facebook page, and out of curiosity decided to check the "recommended friends" list I had. I have no idea how Facebook managed it, but it suggested two of my exes. Lauren and Crystal.
Yeah, so I creeped their profiles. And guess what? Both are engaged to be married this year.
As internet parlance goes, "I ain't even mad, bro." or bruh, if I want to go full-on street with it.
I was ha.. Hm. Seeing Lauren's smiling face and her fiance next to her.. Well, I didn't expect to feel what I felt. I felt okay. I.. actually felt happy for her, in some weird macabre way. She fucked me over back when we were together, and she fucked me hard. And now that she's happy, with her second child and this decent looking guy marrying her; well.. kind of goes to show that karma doesn't really count for shit in this world it seems.
Mm, I didn't mean to imply any kind of frustration on my part, but its there. I acknowledge it. However deeply buried it may be.
That's just Lauren, by the way. Haven't gotten to Crystal, and same thing. She looked happy. With a nice looking older guy. They had a great picture together of him being tied up on the ground, with Crystal looming over him as if she hunted down a moose. Good for her. For them.
"I ain't even mad, bro."
Tanya "broke up" with me this morning.
Kiley hasn't responded to my last two messages and I'm feeling like an ass for sending them.
Crystal and Lauren are both getting married.
I'm almost 40 and still single.
Still haven't accomplished much with my life.
Still here, though.
Taking it all on the chin, like a man would be doing.
And shaking off the blows that are raining down on me.
Not easy to remain unbroken at this point.
Still, though. I'm resisting. I'm fighting. The battle is with myself, and the war is in the world around me. My exes. My wants. My desires. My needs. My destiny. Are all in the hands of the past and in the future.
But he who controls the present, controls the past.
And he who masters the present, can alter the future.
So.. yeah.. mystical mumbo-jumbo.
Hey.. I could be a lot worse. Except, I'm not. And that counts for something.
Maybe I really am a piece of shit that nobody wants, but at least I'm..
No.. I'm not a piece of shit. I'm just.. tormenting myself, really.
And people are sensitive to that. It changes the interactions I have with them. I'm not that good at hiding behind a mask.
Hm.
A good heart shines no matter how dark it can get. Not everyone can see it, but underneath the ashes, it still beats. It still is made of gold.
I'm disregarding modesty for a moment, and claiming my heart to be a good one. A tormented one to be sure, but a righteous, noble and peaceful heart nonetheless. Despite all that my past has haunted me with.
Who knows what destiny has in store for me, but I do feel like something is changing in this world. Minute by minute, I seem to be moving closer to whatever it is. There is.. this shifting, this.. movement that I can sense. Imperceptible in the way that a light brush of wind would be, should you not be paying explicit attention. But I am paying attention, and I do feel it.
I feel the wind upon my soul.
(busts out microphone)
"The future's in the air..."
"I can feel it everywhere..."
"Blowing with the wind of change"
Take me to the magic of the moment.
The only moment that matters.
Right now.
I am alive.
I am capable.
I am about to make myself worthy.
And no longer pitied.
I see the path to take, as I stand upon the fork in the road.
The branches of the trees, are blowing in one direction.
A direction I have not quite been able to see, up until now. And still can't really see...
A great unknown.
A darkness that I tried to ignore.
A love that lurks beyond the foliage is calling out to me.
Waiting for my arrival.
I hope I will get there someday.
And feel the shudder of her embrace, as I walk forward, with a great smile.
Into arms that has loved me all along.
Arms...
That I...
...
(weeps)
