Love Hurts / Hunger Strike

Christmas came, Christmas went.

I didn't feel like blogging for a while, but after last night and knowing that I've deliberately not posted about some of the important moments in my life on here; I am posting not really because I want to, but because I should be.

I'm going to let this picture do some of the talking,

Who is that girl, the second from the right?

Yeah, its her. Gina.

She's back on OkCupid.

After telling me she wouldn't date anymore / she's not ready to date, etc. Which was her reason for us having broken up.

Looks like she's ready again, I suppose.

I sent her a message asking how she was doing, and shortly after I did, I got blocked or she disabled her account.

And then there is this,

That flower I had planned on giving her, fell out of my car one day and was flattened out and fell apart.

I thought about fixing it up and.. I just didn't have time. It was Christmas, already, and I had to leave to go to the southside of the city for a party filled with more than 12 crazed Polish people, of which I was the only guy there who couldn't speak the language fluently enough to understand it. Well, I did get the swear words and a few odds and ends; but not enough for me to feel anything other than a complete and total outsider.

Food was great, though. I liked petting their dog Roxy, even though there was something wrong with her and she kept spinning around in circles chasing her tail while we were there. Huge freakin' dog too. See for yourself.

Anyways.. I didn't have time to fix up that flower, or to make a new one. So, it was Christmas and I'd be close by Gina and so.. What should I do?

My mind was thinking, and it hit me.

I'm not proud, but I dropped that package off.

Didn't hear from her about it, but.. she was on OkCupid.. and..

Well, I cried for the first time in .. I don't know how long.. another month? I went into my dark basement, lit a candle, sat down, and felt these shuddering sobs pass through me. As embarrassed as I am to admit it, for the first time in.. well, I don't know how long.. I was not just letting tears slide down my face, but.. I was audibly sobbing. I felt like such a loser. Such a failure. I had a heart to heart with myself and.. Just.. thought about God, again. And how it doesn't seem that our "Creator" is able to really intervene in our lives when we most need him to. I thought about how all my prayers and faith were a waste of time. That it all lead to this moment, and that I never really had anything.. any real proof that I am loved by a being that apparently loves us all. Or if he/she/it does; then I am certainly not worthy or deserving of being tossed a bone or two.

Or whatever.

Now.. After having enough of my wallowing, I aired out my grievances to both Gyngie and Loretta, who is this black girl that invited me over to her house tomorrow. Loretta and I have been having some fun/insightful conversations lately, and the fact that she invited me over, is making me hopeful. Not because I hope to get laid or anything, but because I feel trusted and accepted without us having met. Plus, it was her idea. That is such a huge gesture on her part, and it meant a lot to me.

She reminds me of Gina, a little.

Anyways.. after a bit of all this sitting around in the dark basement; I wrote up an email. And I don't think.. or will ever know if Gina got it. Because she likes to ignore me, or has blocked me, or whatever.. And..

Well, here is the email, for posterity stake.

To: Carolyn

Gina, I don't know if you've blocked my email but I'm going to take a chance and send you this after seeing you on okcupid earlier tonight.

What we had together, is still eating away at me. You gave me no closure and no chance to rectify any wrongs I may have committed. You didn't even explain to me what those might have been, and I have been suffering from not knowing what they are. From my point of view, things were going well with us until shortly after my father passed. That's partly what I'm going to take responsibility for, that I wasn't fully committed to our relationship and I still remember vividly, our last evening together and our last kiss. I'm still carrying the shame of that night, but had I known you were going to suddenly break up through text and without warning or a conversation; I would've changed my priorities and taken us more seriously.

We had it good, together, I thought. We made each other laugh, the sex was great and would've gradually gotten better, our texts were fun even if I was still not into talking on the phone (which has now changed, as I've had a three hour conversation with a girl two weeks ago that went really well)  and, we were both wanting the same things from a relationship and however slow it was progressing, it felt to me that it was inevitable that you and I would become more serious.

I said I loved you before, and I'll say it again still. Even though you have a terrible way of dealing with conflict by ignoring rather than addressing it when it happens. If something was bothering you back then (and it clearly was) than you should have brought it to my attention. But we both failed, because I didn't bring my grievances to your attention either. I didn't want to burden you with them.

Neither of us are confrontational people, and I think that was the biggest failing in our relationship. When we kept those negative feelings inside, rather than airing them out; then it builds up and sours, rather than empower and strengthen.

You didn't give me any specific reason about what made you decide I was worth breaking up through text over; so I've had a lot of time to try and figure out what those reasons might have been. You're a good person. A beautiful human being, and the woman I've always wanted, but.. You.. Have something.. Or have judged me in an extremely harsh way, that I'm questioning my judgement as to what kind of a person you actually are. I mean, were you only pretending to be into me the whole time? Was giving me a foot rub something you thought you had to do, and not really something you wanted to? That's some of the questions I still haven't found answers for.

I'm not going to spend the rest of this email going over our personal failings, other than to just share my thoughts on what seeing you on okcupid has stirred up. For someone who broke up with me claiming that you aren't ready to date again and that you don't want to; I see it as a lie, and a reason for me to think that maybe you aren't as good of a person as I thought you were. Being together almost six months should have counted for a bit more respect and compassion than a break up text and being repeatedly ignored and denied understanding. Wouldn't you agree?

So, I'm not sure what else to say here. Yes, I miss you and I do love you. Or whoever you pretended to be.

Tying darth vader to my bed. You spilling coffee on the carpet. Our YouTube music video night; you've given me some great memories, and I apologize if I have hurt or repulsed you to the point where I'm better off ignored, disrespected and forgotten.

And that our time together, was a waste.

Not sure what else to say, and I doubt that you'd respond anyways. I should know by this point to take my ball and get off the field; but, I suppose I'm going to attempt to appeal to your compassion and decency. If there's any of those left in you.

You said you wanted to make the world into a better place. And that all you were looking for, is a good man.

Well, if you don't think that I am good, or that I don't share your sentiment; then I wish you all the luck in finding the right guy on okcupid who has the same values you do. I just pray you won't end up bitter and broken like the 99% of women I've met online happen to be.

Don't become one of them. Please.

The reason I feel this strongly towards you, is because when we met; you weren't one of them.

You could only be you.

And.. I guess I need to learn to trust myself and other people more. You had much more faith in our relationship than I did. I've been hurt so many times before, that being with you was a challenge because I couldn't bring myself to fully believing that what we had was real. And that you really cared for me.

And.. Had you stuck it out, I'm certain I would've proposed. As frightening as that might sound to you now 😕

Anyways, I'm done. I wish you would've read my new profile before you left. I've gotten a lot of compliments and I know you would've loved reading it.

Well, take care Gina. I'd like a reply, but I don't expect to get one.

I apologize for how it all went.

And the gifts.

Thank you though. For everything.

.. Bye.

David

That's it... Pretty sad, right?

I'd like a reply, but I don't expect to get one.

Thats what makes it worse, whether she realizes it or not, and whether or not I'm blocked; because I'm always going to wonder if she read it. Or if she read my other email. Or that one text I sent her in October..

Maybe she hasn't read a damned thing.

So..

(sighs)

I had a dream last night about her, too. We were both sitting in a car and talking. She was telling me about how she liked tornadoes or something. The subject of the conversation wasn't important, but what was important, is that I felt we were having a meaningful discussion about something she was passionate about. That she was opening herself up to me and sharing something intimate.

There wasn't anything else I remembered about the dream, unfortunately. Wish there was more to it.

In other news, even though I've given up on her; Kiley is still texting.

I really don't care anymore.

Today is a new day. Lunch with Justin and then we're finally going to see Rogue One.

Can't wait.

RIP Carrie Fisher.

and George Michael.

What a shit year it has been.

Love you dad.

I'm sorry I couldn't have made you proud of me.

Destiny is Within

Well, it hasn't been that great of a day, but I'm not going to cry about it.

I got up early, put the garbage out, went for breakfast and coffee, put the laundry away, cooked myself some ribs for lunch.

Got a haircut later.

But.. meh. This Kiley business seems over with, already. So much for the power of visualization and affirmations, right? I admit, although I was 100% committed to doing those things; I wasn't putting in 100% of effort.

As usual, Kiley dragged her feet and went hours without texting back about what our plans are for meeting; so I decided to call her, and.. bleh.

I could tell from her voice, and some of the things that she was saying, that she was a bit of a mess. She was talking about how busy she was, and how she had all these things to do; but then complained about procrasination and how hard it was to get stuff done.

Also, she said maybe next week we'll meet. So.. I'm.. Well, I wasn't' thrilled to hear that, but I'm not completely bummed out about it either. That voice of hers wasn't pleasant sounding.. and.. she seemed pretty scatter-brained and insensitive, actually. I don't mean to put her down about it, but those were the impressions I got from the conversation.

Looks like they fired the lady I enjoyed talking with at the barber shop. Another reason for my mood to sour a bit. I liked her. But, I guess thats that.

And then, when Gyngie was telling me about how she didn't have any money to get her daughter a birthday gift (which was today) or a Christmas present; I stepped up and offered her to sell her a gift for a quarter.

What does she say? "Tonight wouldn't work anyways, she's going out and I'm in a raid."

Meh. No "thank you" no "that's nice of you" or anything like that. Being in a raid in Destiny is more important than the gesture I was making.

Yet another reason..

Man..

And that flower I made for Gina? It fell apart when I accidentally knocked it over. Not completely, and I could probably fix it back up without much effort; but..

And last night also, I had the compulsion to re-activate my account on OkCupid and I got into a few good conversations with some of the girls on there. Not so much today. In fact, I think I offended a few. Unintentionally and without meaning to do so.

Nothing really.. made me feel good today, I suppose.

Not a thing. Other than getting a few chores done.

Well.. I don't know what else to say here. Another thing I did last night, was bargain with "God" to give me proof that my faith is well-placed. And.. yeah, going by today, I don't feel like it has been. I hate admitting it.

(sighs)

It's tough. Not a silver lining in sight, really. I'm out of work, and the future doesn't look bright for me on any level. Job-wise, relationship-wise, personal growth, writing... It just doesn't. There's nothing.. Nothing I look forward to. Nothing that I can really be happy about.

I feel stumped. But.. I'm still okay. I feel like an idiot and a giant loser, but I'm still okay.

For now.

Guess I'll be drinking tonight.

God seems to have forsaken me.

And I feel darker now.

Control Is An Illusion

Well.. fireplace going by my side now, got a cup of chocolate espresso on my right and a glass of mandarin vodka with Coke Zero on the left.

All lights are off, "Love is A Battlefield" on the headphones and since my laptop was nearby, I figured I'd get to penning a few thoughts.

But lets start with something odd, first. I've written every off and on about the need for me to stay true to myself. To *really* listen to the urges and feelings within me. To listen to the "truth" of my being, despite it being hidden under layers and layers of bullshit with loud voices.

So.. I did. Tonight I did listen to that voice, and this is what happened.

Yeah, that T-Rex is holding a paper flower which I made an hour ago. On my own, from scratch, and used Gina's flowers as a reference point to figure out exactly how to make this thing.

Wasn't easy, but it was kind of fun. I didn't have any glue, so there's some unsightly scotch tape in a few places.

Well, now that I made that, the question has become, "what are you going to do with it?"

Give it to her, obviously.

But...

No, fuck it. I am.. Ooh.. Trying to listen to my inner voice now and I can't claim with 100% certainty that I'd want to leave it on her lawn. As far from the door as possible.

But.. I do feel.. a sense of certainty about this. I couldn't bring myself to mail the package of gifts I assembled for her, but this feels different. This feels more.. "right" for lack of a better word.

Only thing is, I can't decide whether or not to include a note. And if I do, what will I write on there?

I had four scrap pieces of paper left over from building that flower, and they all have random scribblings on them.

"Yes. I still love you."
"My feelings haven't changed."

And a couple long paragraph ones that I didn't feel were good enough to be using. And thats not to mention how anal I was about getting the "look" of my printing right. Really obsessive attention to detail. Anyhow, it doesn't matter. I'm not going to be using any of these phrases or these paragraphs I experimented with.

So, thats why I settled down by the fireplace. Sitting on the floor with a couple pillows propped up, and now Gina's CD is playing the second track, which is still as euphoric and blissful as it was when I first heard it.

I'm addicted to the song "Drive" by The Cars right now, and one of my ideas for a note is to simply write, "Drive" by the Cars on it. So that she would listen to it on YouTube or someplace, but I don't know if she will. I still don't know how she would react to seeing the paper flower.

The flower communicates a couple of things by itself, I've realized. That I'm still thinking of her, and that I still have feelings for her. Isn't that enough? But.. a part of me wants to leave a door open for her to walk through, should she so choose. Just.. leaving the flower wouldn't be enough, would it?

Enough for what, though? For her to consider us getting back together? I'm delusional.. to think that, aren't I?

Think a paper flower by itself would be enough?

I don't know.

It would be easy, however, to just leave it there and nothing else. Cross my fingers after it happens, because thats all I can really do.

She still knows where I live, and maybe she still has my number or my email.

At the very least, she knows where I live.

So, there's no need to keep any kind of "door" open since mine always is.

Wow.. this song is so good... (ends)

Inside Out by Culture Beat is on now.

What a great mix I made for her. I still wonder if she listened to it, but I don't think she did. Despite my giving it to her twice.

(sighs)

If I'm going to leave her a note with a song title on it, I'd better pick a good one. Drive is a fantastic song, but I don't know if it encapsulates what I want her to feel and what I feel. I don't think it does. Its kind of a depressing song, really. The video for it is about someone with a mental illness, so.. I'm not sure if its appropriate. I believe Gina suffered from it at some point too.

As I have a few times, I must admit.

Thats the thing about mental illness. You don't really know that you are mentally ill until.. well, until I guess some "authority" concludes that you are. Or maybe, if you are thinking in a way that causes complications in your life and relationships and basic functioning. Negative complications of course, although I was suffering from euphoria when I was first admitted to a hospital in 2006 for four days of observation.

"How good do you feel on a scale of one to ten?" a young assistant fellow once asked me, as I was being evaluated.

I didn't hesitate much when I responded with, "11."

Better than perfect, it seems. And at the time, I was feeling that way. I was so keenly aware of my environment, and everything was so clear and defined that this heightening of my senses exhilarated me. If we could make an analogy to a swinging pendulum, where the left side is negative and the right is positive; my swing went all the way to the right, and then raised itself up past the point of gravity, to remain suspended in the air for a brief while. Weeks, actually, before finally coming back down.

They gave me a diagnosis of bi-polarity, which I didn't quite agree with. I wasn't experiencing a simple manic episode before deviating into depression, and then back to mania, again.. Not when these episodes were separated from each other by years. And not when I've never experienced a maniac episode prior to this point.

Mm.

Anyways.. Kiley.. agreed to meet me, finally. But she is so.. terse over text. What I mean, is that I'm trying to plan out the when and where and I have to wait hours for a response. And when I get it, it sometimes doesn't specify anything. For instance, I'd ask her what day we could meet on and that I'm free Thursday or Friday night; and she responds with, "what do u want to do?" rather than answer the question.

So.. I guess I don't know.. She is confusing me. Or toying with me. Or is really that oblivious and incapable of manners and being polite/thoughtful. I don't know.

At the moment, I'm entertaining the notion that since she came from a marriage of ten years and that she claims to be happy to be divorced; that she is enjoying the sensation of being "wanted" and is well-aware of how much of a puppy dog I am, begging for her attentions. So, she is being deliberate about the way she is responding towards me. Or maybe, she doesn't have much interest in me as I hoped.

I don't know. Again, life is comical. I'm comical. I feel like I'm being played like a violin, by a professional who is laughing at the sounds I'm making. Or is at least, entertained by them, I hope. In an endearing way.

(sighs) .. I'd be more non-chalant about all this, had it not been for this pledge of mine to visualize Kiley and I having sex. Great, mind-blowing, earth-shattering, boot-quakin' sex obviously.

Well then, thats the way it is. I've fallen into her trap, I suppose. If that was her intention, then she was successful in springing it.

I find it amusing that I'm putting all this effort into visualizing Kiley and I together, but not myself and Georgina. I'm not sure why that is. I think a part of me isn't completely sure if my ex would be the right girl for me, the one that I'd be willing to devote my life towards. I have to be honest with myself, I really don't know the answer to that.

So, would leaving a paper flower on her lawn be.. something I should do?

My heart is saying yes, but there's an element of uncertainty somewhere that I can't pinpoint. I don't know why I'm not completely certain about all this. I think its the note, and that is where the doubt is coming from, as to what I should write on there, or if I should be leaving one at all. The flower itself feels right, so...

Anyways, its confusing.

Which is why I'm sitting by the fire, typing away. REO Speedwagon is on now. "I Want To Know What Love Is"

I am such a sentimental schmuck. I love being romantic and doing romantic things and making this paper flower and leaving it at her home suits my intentions perfectly.

But, if I were to wake up in the morning and if I was her and if I was walking outside of my front door to notice a flower like that on my lawn, with no note. What would I be thinking?

"Oh, that guy I dumped six months ago is at it again."

Would I be flattered? I'm going to stop typing for a second and think about it.

Yeah, I would be flattered.

Annoyed too, maybe. But flattered nonetheless.

Maybe thats the whole point of my making this flower, to simply flatter her. Chip away at her wall just a tiny bit and then go on my not-so merry way.

Maybe another idea like this will come to me down the line. But, lets be honest, the package did come to mind a while ago and its now gathering dust in my closet. What was the point of buying those gifts and wrapping it all up, only to not follow through?

Mm. I don't know. But like I said, that is what my heart told me to do. To not mail it. Prior intentions be damned.

Maybe.. Maybe my heart, my truth knows something that I don't. Maybe it adapts according to conditions that I cannot perceive or understand. Maybe it knows better than I do, about what is and isn't the right thing to do.

Maybe.

Funny how I'm still keeping doubt and skepticism in the equation of all this. I'm really trying not to mistake my intuition for impulsiveness, or ego. Really trying. As bananas as it all sounds.

Speaking of bananas, I took a chance and invited Kiley over to my place for our first meeting. Suggested I'd make her dinner as well. She hasn't responded yet (no surprise), but I'm going to trust my instinct on that one. I did spend almost a week of visualization and affirmations that I doubt it will all go to waste because of this one message I sent.

Got to trust myself. Even just a little bit. I trusted myself in describing how I would want to have sex with her, and she responded enthusiastically. I trusted myself to send her that shirtless picture of myself, and it worked too. So, despite how contrary these actions are to my normal way of being; I'm going to have to trust myself with inviting her over, as well.

We'll see what happens.

The experiment is almost over, tomorrow is the last day of it.

"Kiley and I are having the greatest sex of our lives together."

That's my mantra right now. Perfectly refined and as clear as can be. No ambiguity or loopholes there; aside from when and where such an act would be taking place.

Inevitably, it will.

"Love, Don't Keep Me Waiting" by Glen Hasgard.

I miss you Georgina.

You beautiful idiot.

I wonder if you feel the same.

Even just a little.

Guess we'll be finding out.

Back to the vodka I go.

Kiley and I

Well, not sure what is happening, but Kiley ignored my last two messages again and removed her profile from Tinder or blocked me from there, it seems.

That sucks.

What I posted yesterday was miserable. I wasn't happy with how I felt afterwards. And this visualization thing.. Well.. I don't know anymore. Maybe I was doing it all wrong and for the wrong reasons. I sent Kiley another text to see if she will respond, and if not, then I think thats it.

I'm really confused about the world right now. About myself. About.. everything. I don't know how to.. be the best person I can be, and.. I.. don't like having my faith compromised.

I really don't like it.

Because, it puts me in a helpless state. It tells me, "hey, no matter what you believe, its all random variables and luck, anyways."

It puts all the big questions to rest, essentially answering that none of it really matters if you can't get any tangible results from it. Philosophy can be tossed in the same barrel, since its speculation and not anything that can be applied to my life in any meaningful way. Or have any practical purpose other than to promote further speculation among the intelligentsia.

What then, does the point of life become? How then, should a person conduct themselves if there are no rules to follow other than that which society imposes? Why should morality really matter, apart from wanting to be in good graces? What good are values and principles, when those who circumvent such things, are often more successful and happier than others who stand by them?

I'm thinking now, that.. I don't know. I'm.. having to restructure the way I look at the world, and realize that for all my wishing and wanting; I need to take charge somehow.

Maybe faith does work, no, it does work, but.. if faith inspires confidence, then its not really faith that brings about all good things, is it? Wouldn't it be the confidence that faith develops that has more of a practical value in this world? But what is confidence? Its.. a trusting in yourself, in some ability. Its an attitude, whether it is rooted in self-deception or gross estimation; it is a way of being where you limit and curtail certain emotions/habits that could be destructive to whatever your desires and goals are.

Dog eat dog.. If I look at the world like that, then its basically a case of, "fuck everyone but me" and I don't want that. I want.. I want a better world than that.

I think everybody does.

But..

I don't know.

To succeed in a materialistic world, you have to be a materialist. And if you want to impress or achieve at anything, you have to operate with this thought in mind that everyone's status is defined by how efficient they are at extracting money from their environment. By hook, or by crook.

And not let naive ideas and spiritual beliefs get in the way of doing it.

... God, I've not fully succumbed to accepting these thoughts I'm writing down, but I can see it happening eventually.

Fuck everyone but me.

Kiley and I are having sex.. yeah, okay pal. I've got one more day left of doing this, so I'll honor the promise I've made to myself and carry through the rest of today thinking it. But, it doesn't look ..

Mm.. Not going to admit defeat just yet.

Should I really disregard my interest in all that is spiritual and philosophical and chalk them up to some idiotic fantasy and wish fulfillment? Because, the more I grow older, the more obvious it seems to be just that. Fantasy.

Fantasy.

If that is the case..

Then there is no wonder left in this world.

But.. I've had things happen to me.. Except with this post in mind, I will have to spend some time thinking about how legitimate all these things are. I'm going to have to.. examine them from every angle to try and dismiss/explain the "supernatural" elements that I once was certain to be associated with them.

Wouldn't it..

I don't know where I'm going with this. When I type, I just write without thinking, really. I engage on some kind of free-thinking where I'm not really thinking, and I'm thinking all at once. My fingers are obeying the path of least resistance and perhaps a pause would help in clarifying my thoughts.

...I want to believe in magic. Spirits. God, or Gods.

But... Its.. harder, now.

Maybe.. No. There is *something* that is ephemeral and mysterious in this world and in the cosmos. Its not ever going to be easily explained or understood, but it functions and has a purpose that involves and influences all that is around us.

People have been calling this "force" by many names, and have tried to explain it in many ways.

My thing is though, how.. How can I align myself in a way that is..

Beneficial? To both myself and to this force that I.. I am sure is out there.

A force that religions and mythologies have contradictory ideas about, unless you boil it down to the very basic essence of it being an intelligence that is pervasive throughout the universe.

But.. what does it want? What can it do? How can I utilize it? What is my obligation towards it?

I hate the idea of angels coming down to speak to one person, and then telling them to spread the word out to everyone else. Yes, maybe not everyone is able to hold an audience with divinity; but.. There are so many liars out there. So many who are simply mistaken, or deluded, or..

Whatever. That it is so hard to know what is true, and what is not.

And how a human being must truly be. And what our roles and purposes are on this planet.

Because, for all that we have written over the ages and believed in; there is no.. evidence that is convincing enough to satisfy everyone. But.. maybe.. maybe I'm overlooking something here.

As I said, I write without thinking, sometimes.. it just flows. And as I said a few posts ago, I have read and learned enough. Now I must look within myself to figure out what the big picture really is, instead of having it dictated to me.

But.. if this is really just a free-for-all, and that there is no.. reward for those who place faith in deities; then I don't know what to think. All I can do from here on out, is to become a humanist.

Not a Christian, Muslim, Jew or Mormon.. Just.. a lover of people. Someone who wants the world to be a better place, and is actively working towards making it happen. Even if its just a little bit. A small mark.

A dent in the system, is better than nothing.

I really I have to think about this some more. I thought I had a lot of faith, and even in crisis, I... seem to still do.

And thats something important to try and put my finger on. To understand and make the most of it. To have it steer me in the correct direction that I should be going.

Maybe.. You know, I've thought for a while that I have more faith in God than I do in myself and perhaps that is the problem right there.

I am my own God. I am responsible for my own happiness and my own luck and serendipitous outcomes and chance meetings and all such things.

Miracles. I create my own. Subconciously, or not.

 One thing I could use, and I think humanity could use it as well; is a role model. A person who has conducted themselves in righteousness and honor and has been rewarded by the world for it.

And perhaps also, even in the world beyond this one.

As spirits trapped upon this world of matter, we can believe one of two things. That all this is real, and that all this is fake.

By fake, I mean illusory. Sure, its real. But no more real than navigating a character in a video game that you are staring into the screen at. Engulfed in a reality with its own set of rules, much like our own.


There is no such thing as a game without rules. Everything has them. Boundaries, limits.

Except this world seems to have come without any instructions.

And thats the part that bothers me most. Because.. All the prophets of the past, all the psychics and thinkers today, are all claiming different things. So do physicists. The rules are nebulous and malleable it seems. Even gravity has been theorized to not work exactly as science assumed it to be. There is the issue of dark matter and dark energy. The possibility that we live in an electric universe. Or a multi-dimensional one. Or inside one universe of many.

So many conflicting ideas and explanations and theories and hypotheses.

What truly matters to the individual from all this?

Happiness, thats what matters. If we tie it to money, then we will be happy. Simple as that.

If we associate happiness with family; then we will be happy also, should we happen to have one.

Happiness is all that matters. Feeling pleased with yourself or pleasing others. Sometimes it involves both.

I think it comes down to there being only two types of people in this world. The givers and the takers. The selfless, and the selfish.

First, one must identify which of those two they are. And then conduct their lives in accord with their innate quality.

Hm. I'm blathering now. I have every right to be miserable and depressed and demoralized and sad.. but..

I'm more.. disappointed than anything.

Disappointed..

Oh, shit. Kiley messaged me.

I guess its not over yet.

(repeats mantras)

(sighs)

Look at me, scurrying back to having faith again. And wishful thinking. Although I was *this* close to accepting defeat, I haven't. And for that, I'm now breathing more easily. Feeling more secure.

Feeling more confident.

Feeling like I have reason to have faith again.

(sighs)

This life, man.

This life.

Hurts Enough To Laugh

Man, life I tell you. I'm..

Haha.. man.. (shakes head)

See, the situation I'm in right now would have driven the old me into pieces. But, I'm actually.. not happy, but amused. Very amused.

More so at myself than anything else, really. Well, except for life I suppose.

I can't even articulate exactly how or why I'm feeling like this, because it will take a lengthly explanation and I don't feel like going into the particulars. Just that I'm resisting the swing. The swing of the pendulum whereas I ordinarily would have succumbed to it.

Yeah, I'm going full on mystic mumbo-jumbo now and the Kybalion has left some deep marks in me.

I'm resisting, and I am laughing.

Smiling, inwardly to be precise.

I would think I'm practicing some form of masochism here. Making a bad situation almost appealing, preferable even. Just to see how comically tragic it can get.

Mm, part of the reason for this shift in mood was that I followed a link from a forum to a Facebook page, and out of curiosity decided to check the "recommended friends" list I had. I have no idea how Facebook managed it, but it suggested two of my exes. Lauren and Crystal.

Yeah, so I creeped their profiles. And guess what? Both are engaged to be married this year.

As internet parlance goes, "I ain't even mad, bro." or bruh, if I want to go full-on street with it.

I was ha.. Hm. Seeing Lauren's smiling face and her fiance next to her.. Well, I didn't expect to feel what I felt. I felt okay. I.. actually felt happy for her, in some weird macabre way. She fucked me over back when we were together, and she fucked me hard. And now that she's happy, with her second child and this decent looking guy marrying her; well.. kind of goes to show that karma doesn't really count for shit in this world it seems.

Mm, I didn't mean to imply any kind of frustration on my part, but its there. I acknowledge it. However deeply buried it may be.

That's just Lauren, by the way. Haven't gotten to Crystal, and same thing. She looked happy. With a nice looking older guy. They had a great picture together of him being tied up on the ground, with Crystal looming over him as if she hunted down a moose. Good for her. For them.

"I ain't even mad, bro."

Tanya "broke up" with me this morning.

Kiley hasn't responded to my last two messages and I'm feeling like an ass for sending them.

Crystal and Lauren are both getting married.

I'm almost 40 and still single.

Still haven't accomplished much with my life.

Still here, though.

Taking it all on the chin, like a man would be doing.

And shaking off the blows that are raining down on me.

Not easy to remain unbroken at this point.

Still, though. I'm resisting. I'm fighting. The battle is with myself, and the war is in the world around me. My exes. My wants. My desires. My needs. My destiny. Are all in the hands of the past and in the future.

But he who controls the present, controls the past.

And he who masters the present, can alter the future.

So.. yeah.. mystical mumbo-jumbo.

Hey.. I could be a lot worse. Except, I'm not. And that counts for something.

Maybe I really am a piece of shit that nobody wants, but at least I'm..

No.. I'm not a piece of shit. I'm just.. tormenting myself, really.

And people are sensitive to that. It changes the interactions I have with them. I'm not that good at hiding behind a mask.

Hm.

A good heart shines no matter how dark it can get. Not everyone can see it, but underneath the ashes, it still beats. It still is made of gold.

I'm disregarding modesty for a moment, and claiming my heart to be a good one. A tormented one to be sure, but a righteous, noble and peaceful heart nonetheless. Despite all that my past has haunted me with.

Who knows what destiny has in store for me, but I do feel like something is changing in this world. Minute by minute, I seem to be moving closer to whatever it is. There is.. this shifting, this.. movement that I can sense. Imperceptible in the way that a light brush of wind would be, should you not be paying explicit attention. But I am paying attention, and I do feel it.

I feel the wind upon my soul.

(busts out microphone)

"The future's in the air..."
"I can feel it everywhere..."
"Blowing with the wind of change"

Take me to the magic of the moment.

The only moment that matters.

Right now.

I am alive.

I am capable.

I am about to make myself worthy.

And no longer pitied.

I see the path to take, as I stand upon the fork in the road.

The branches of the trees, are blowing in one direction.

A direction I have not quite been able to see, up until now. And still can't really see...

A great unknown.

A darkness that I tried to ignore.

A love that lurks beyond the foliage is calling out to me.

Waiting for my arrival.

I hope I will get there someday.

And feel the shudder of her embrace, as I walk forward, with a great smile.

Into arms that has loved me all along.

Arms...

That I...

...

(weeps)

Who's Going To Tell You When...

So, last night Tanya replied to my message, suggesting we meet on Boxing Day as she's heading off to BC for the rest of the week.

My curiosity (and annoyance) over her ditching me on Saturday, prompted me to ask her why we couldn't have met on Saturday instead of having to wait yet another week to meet her.

Well, I got a response this morning, and she basically told me "maybe its not meant to be. Maybe I'm not your gal. Good luck in your search :)"

Women. (mutters under breath)

Just gives up rather than be honest and apologetic. I wrote back asking how is it that she knows that she's not my "gal" and for whatever reason, I gave her a link to "Drive" by The Cars, saying she reminded me of that song.

And I just sent Kiley a "g'morning Kiley" message along with a shirtless photo of myself. She seems enthusiastic about it. Giving me a "hot D!" message :)

Except she doesn't like the fact that I'm a smoker. Oh well. Nobody's perfect.

Hoo boy, Kiley is all excitedly messaging me now after I sent her that shirtless photo. Here it is for reference:

I remember feeling pretty good when I took that photo. Not the best angle or composition, but its decent enough.

Whoa, Kiley message incoming.. She's really militant about my quitting smoking. Says she can't stand it, and that she smoked for 15 years.

She's really sending out the texts all fast and furious now.. what a strange turn of events. That photo made her bananas apparently.

Sheesh. Women.

(mutters some more)

I should quit smoking, I suppose. I did quit for a year at one point, but took it up again.

Funny story about that, I remember exactly when and where I was when I decided to quit. I was at work, inside of a port-a-potty and just dumped out all my Bullseye Cherry flavored cigarettes into the toilet. And the reason for this? I made a deal with "God" that if I quit, he'd have to get me the woman of my dreams.

A year later, it didn't happen. And so, I started up again. Not really sure why, but it was probably out of spite. I felt as if the "bargain" I made wasn't being upheld. Silly me, expecting a miracle to happen.

But miracles can happen, I know this. Maybe "deals" can't be so easily made, but I was hoping something "out there" would have taken notice of my reasons for doing something that I have been doing for over 15 years by that point. Or 20, actually. Twenty years of smoking was no easy thing to get over and I figured the effort deserved a reward.

Quitting was its own reward, I guess.

Meh. If only it was so easy to strike a deal with God like that... But, I honestly believed/wanted to believe it was possible.

I don't know anymore. Again, I've tried so hard for so long, that very little seems to stick as far as negotiating with a higher power goes. Or maybe I'm just doing it all wrong. Maybe I am my own higher power.

Funny, as I was typing the above paragraph, Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" came on over my headphones. Think my playlist is on shuffle, too. No, wait. Its the "radio" that Google Play is going off of from that "Drive" track.

*yawns* .. What a way to wake up this morning. To that message from Tanya, and then a deluge from Kiley.

Now, "Burning Heart" by Survivor is on. Great song.. sounds super familiar, as if it was in a Rocky film, but its not Eye of the Tiger.. Hmm. Wonder where I first heard this.

Dum de dum de dum.. Wonder what I'm going to be doing today. Not really sure, but I do have a few things here and there that has to be done.

Ah, life. Life life life. The greatest mystery. Why are we here? To live, obviously. But is there anything else besides survival? Are we obligated to achieve something? I'd think so. I think even the newly born child who passes away from SIDS has served a purpose of some kind, as confusing and strange it would be. We all serve our purposes. This is all.. an illusion.. a simulation.

Pretty darn sure of it actually. There's a reason why the Matrix resonated so strongly with people when it came out. Because it has an element of truth to it. People knew what was being communicated through the thick fog of their personal amnesia in regards to the big picture. I suppose the next question is, are we slaves or are we free?

I think the answer to that, is yes and no. I believe in something between free will and determinism.

I think the whole point of all this, is to experience. But.. to what end? Union with God? I could see that, but what is God? How can a mere mortal hope to relate to such a vastly superior intelligence, if not by experiencing all that the universe has to offer through multiple lifetimes?

Makes sense to me. If I designed the universe, and wanted to see my creations (children) come to me, then they would have to have earned the right and ability to be able to stand on equal footing. The slave becomes the master, or perhaps the master becomes the slave. Maybe there is no actual superiority or supremacy involved. Its just a matter of experience, and the wisdom that experience brings.

Mm, who knows.

Thats the sad part. Had there been a God, an omnipotent intelligence; then you would think it could communicate more directly with all of us. To remove the ambiguity of our existence. If such a being is non-linear as far as time goes; then it would be patient, because it would already know the outcome. Still, though. Is this an ant farm? Can an ant ever break free and explore outside of its prison cell?

Perhaps, perhaps not. But there's no denying that effort is respected either way.

Mm... "Amanda" by Boston is on now.. I remember this song when I put it on a mixed tape I made for Amanda Simpson, back when I was 18 or so. She was this Australian, older single mom that was head over heels with me, and wanted me to come visit her. At her expense. I couldn't do that, and so we drifted apart and she got married, etc.

Well.. a new day, means new things to do.

Guess I'll go do them.

Whatever they are.

The Broken Record

"Kiley and I are having great mind-blowing earth-shattering sex."

Mm, I didn't put in too much effort today in visualization/affirmations as far as Kiley went, but I gave it more lip service than I expected to, being how.. well, bummed out I was.

Just bummed out for no real reason I think. After I dropped Gyngie off in the morning, I went for a walk on Whyte Ave and picked up a few things here and there. A new ashtray and a bunch of books. Nothing too amazing. Three by T. Lobsang Rampa, one by Ken Wilber and a Bertrand Russel one.


I believe one's personal home library can reveal a lot about a person, and in my case, I have mostly spiritual/religious/philosophical/science fiction in it. There's a bunch of biographies too, a lot of Piers Anthony, Dean Koontz and Steven King. And various non-fiction things like, "Retired Racing Greyhound dogs for Dummies". Random, random stuff.

Had I been a kid growing up with myself, I would love the selection of books I've got. There's a little bit of something for everything. And this is partly why in the back of my mind, that I enjoy keeping a collection of books around. Because I have the faint hope that someday I will have a child growing up with me, and he/she will get to peruse what I have. The books that have defined me, might in turn, define someone else.

*sighs* I am on awkward texting terms with Tanya right now. Ever since she left off with "cool" as her last message yesterday; I just didn't bother writing her anything up until an hour ago where I sent her a picture of the jellyfish I got at the flea market.

And asked her how she was doing. She hasn't responded. Whether that means she is asleep or ignoring me, I have no idea.

It's not easy being a single mom of three kids, I'm sure. I can see how she wouldn't have much time for exploring a new relationship; but I have to remember how it was with Gina. Gina always made time for me whenever she could, and was willing to stay up late in the evening just to text/talk to me.

Can't say the same for Tanya, unfortunately. Maybe its that third child that is taking up more of her time, I don't know. Or her job.

I tried asking her what her schedule was, and couldn't get a straight answer. Tried asking what time she goes to sleep at, and the answer varies too. Sometimes she stays up all night. Sometimes she stays up really late, and sometimes she goes to bed before 11.

How can I.. interact with someone who.. I have no idea of what they are doing at the moment? It would really help if I knew that from 3pm-6pm she is available for whatever, and that we could go have coffee or something. Or that on Thursday her ex is taking the kids. Or that on Friday, she is getting a babysitter and will be free.

I'm not getting any of that. I can't invite her out to do anything if her schedule is all over the place. This relationship is basically in her hands at the moment, and we haven't even met yet. And she's ditched me twice already, actually three times if you'd count last Saturday where she decided hanging out with a friend and helping them clean the house is more important than making up for ditching me twice.

Mm. Thats why it was interesting this morning, when Gyngie asked me if I heard the doorbell rang. I was confused and said that I didn't, but she claimed that she heard it rang and that I went to answer it and.. neglected to inform me that she was actually talking about a dream she had, and that there was some girl with a knife asking where I was and I had to take the knife from her, etc.

It was such a strange story, that I immediately had Tanya pop into my head and went to peek outside to see if there was any footprints or tire tracks in the driveway. It was inconclusive, so I couldn't figure out if she was half-dreaming and did hear the bell ring, or if it was entirely a fabrication of her imagination.

"Kiley and I are having mindblowing sex."

Yeah, Kiley Kiley.. She hasn't messaged me today and I haven't either. Women, I tell you. I bet if I sent her a photo of my dick, she'd respond immediately with a winky emoticon and not much else. Not that I would do such a thing, but she does seem like the sort who expects/is used to this kind of stuff. Problem is, I'm really not a vulgar alpha-male, and somehow I think that is what she is secretly after. Although I'm not sure about that, even. Which is making our interaction more difficult and awkward than it needs to be.

Still though, the mantras are being repeated and I did write down that we are having sex and so sex will happen, eventually. Just have to be patient.

Can't say I put my best effort today into visualization, but something tells me that a woman's imagination and fear of rejection is going to get the better of her at some point. And I am still sort of the mysterious, younger man that she is interested in having sex with.

And will be having sex with.

Just got to twiddle my thumbs for now, I suppose. I'm not even feeling horny about the idea either, I just want to get it over with. Granted, I was pretty worked up at first, but this lack of communication on her part is making me ambivalent, almost. Had it not been for this experiment; I would've given up on her at this point I think. But I know that the mind is a powerful thing, and that the law of attraction does work to a certain extent, and that (small) miracles can happen; as long as I believe in them.

And its a reasonable wish of mine, for us to have sex. Which we will, by the way.

Heh. How many days of this do I have left..? Hmm. Its Monday, so three more to go. I should get into my closet and really lay the visualization on thick. At least for ten minutes, just so I can go to sleep with a clear sense of satisfaction at having put the "work" in.

Mm. I'm tired right now. Not a very eventful day. Didn't get a single message/call from anyone.

It was beautiful outside, too. I enjoyed the short walk I had on Whyte this morning, but Fat Franks was closed, so I couldn't get myself a delicious bacon/cheddar hot dog like I wanted to. Curses! I think they're closed on Mondays, so.. what a downer that was.

Funny, I've been playing with my stepdad's (ex) MacBook Pro which is a 2012 model with a 15.4" screen and an almost 1TB hard drive; and I actually prefer my 2009 13" model more than I do that one. Even though the darn trackpad doesn't depress anymore and I have to "tap" to click. Funny how that is. I'm so familiar and used to this tiny, lightweight laptop; that I'd rather give up extra processing power, hard drive space, an updated OS, RAM, stereo speakers and a better looking screen with more real estate. Because typing on my blog, occasionally burning mix cds and working on my novel; this little guy is still doing a fine job of it all.

One thing that I "learned" today as I flipped through the new books was that I "learned" enough. It was an odd realization to know that I have spent so much of my life absorbing information, that I haven't spent enough time in contemplation of it all. Its like I've been so busy collecting, that I forgot about having to assemble the puzzle and that I have a lot of duplicate pieces scattered about.

There is a puzzle to be assembled, of course. A puzzle that answers the questions I most wonder about. Is there a God? What is my relationship to him? What kind of "powers" do I have, on a metaphysical level? Can I really affect reality with my mind? Did Jesus exist exactly as he was written? How much of the Bible is true? The Koran? The Upanishads? How good of a philosophy is Buddhism actually is? Does Gnosticism make more sense, or should some kind of integrated individual belief system be constructed instead?

Are there aliens out there? If so, what is their purpose? Why are they here? What are they? Was there an Atlantis? Did Edgar Cayce really have his powers? Is there even such a thing as psychic ability? Did Nostradamus really foretell the future, or was he just insane?

Is reincarnation real? Why do I feel a certain "link" to a deceased celebrity and why do I have faint memories of being that person? Are they actually memories? Or just my ego?

What is my destiny? How can I become a better person? What principles should I live my life by? How can I find happiness in within, rather than from outside myself; even though I know that my happiness depends on relationships? How can I learn to love myself? How can I be more productive and feel more fulfilled?

How do I stop procrasinating so much? Why is it that I'm still compelled to write in this blog every couple of days since Gina broke up with me? Why am I thinking that all this is so important, when more important things have happened to me in my life that I did not discuss on this blog? Why is writing all this down now, more important than before?

What is my purpose in life? What can I do to make it better? To make other people's lives better? How can I entertain and educate them as well as myself? How can I earn a living doing what I love, and how do I go about finding out how to monetize what I love doing; without feeling guilty about being paid for it?

How can I live in a world like this, and still retain hope, faith and trust in other people? How can I trust myself? How can I open my heart up to love another human being, when it seems that they are incapable of doing the same? Why would I want to give selflessly, when I am receiving little or nothing in return? What fills my reservoir? What replenishes my soul?

How can.. How can ..

(sighs)

How can.. boy am I stumbling here.. I know I have more questions, but this next one just doesn't want to come out. It's a painful one, and I think it would be easier to just leave it alone. I don't have to write down every darn thing that I wonder about. Or has happened to me.

There's no reason for me to expose myself completely to a blog, if I don't feel any better for doing it.

Mm. Despite my uncertainty right now, I think this is go-time. This is where faith has to kick in when I need it most. So how does one restore and express faith?

Prayer? Hm. Meditation. Double Hm. Visualization? Mm, hmms.

All these things help, for sure.

But they require desire. Action. Habit.

There is a mental block inside of me that is.. weary of being proactive about taking charge of my life. I've struggled for so long and have suffered so much; that I would appreciate having good things happen to me that doesn't require much effort in getting. If any.

Basically, I'd prefer to sit around and wish that I'd win the lottery of self-fulfillment than to actually go and make things happen.

Let me tell you, video games, movies and television are the worst. They are so distracting. So.. soul-sucking, that I consciously am aware of having "dodged" the necessity of my being introspective and learning to live in the moment of the reality I am in. No matter how boring and uneventful it may seem. All these distractions are taking me away from whats really important. The boredom, and what I have to do about it.

Or how loveless life seems to be. How unhappy I truly am for the way my life has turned out. Good intentions, or not.

Mm. Big questions demand big answers, but they really need only to be short concise ones.

And I have an inkling of what it is that the answers are, but.. that requires trust in myself to accept them. I just have too much uncertainty about what is, and what isn't false, in this mysterious world we live in. And maybe I shouldn't be thinking about it so much, or worrying.

But I am, and I do.

And.. yeah.. I am waiting for the miracle.

And I still think of my ex. And my father, who has got to be disappointed with me if he has followed the last few months of my everyday existence, I'm sure.

Please forgive me dad, if you are watching. You know that I have a good heart and an innocent soul that doesn't wish to be trampled upon or scorned for being "different" than what is expected and construed as being "normal" in this fucked up, cynical, materialistic world we live in.

Yeah, I'm cynical too. The soul of humanity is in pain at the moment, and it is painful to witness the death of imagination and spirit and innocence.

And love..

When was the last time anybody heard a newly-released love song on the radio? I'm talking something like Whitney Houston's cover of that Dolly Parton song; or a song like "Love Hurts" by Nazareth, or any Roy Orbison song? Could a Roy Orbison survive in today's entertainment industry? Would he have to be on Twitter? YouTube? Facebook? Getting followers and constantly touring and marketing himself and crafting an image and hustling?

Fuck, no. Whatever happened to being rewarded justly, for artistic expression? Why should it have to be such a struggle nowadays to put out great art and not.. hustle and compromise the integrity of your character/beliefs to do it?

I'm not saying that doesn't exist anymore; Glen Hasgard/Ray Lamontagne both come to mind -- but, these kind of men are getting fewer and fewer. And very few people are even aware of them. I don't think I've heard any of their songs on mainstream radio.

Mm, what a life.

Good thing Kiley and I are fucking.

Three more days to go.

And I can stop being a broken record.

Green Grass & High Tides

("Kiley and I are still having great fantastic mindblowing sex")

So, yesterday... some of my troubles were a bit farrr awayy, as I picked up Gyngie and brought her over to my place. We got pretty drunk on tequila shots and rum with 47% alcohol. Had an intense discussion about her issues and some of mine, and basically passed out while watching the new Godzilla film. "That's not Godzilla!" "It is Godzilla!" Zzzzz...

I'm confused about Tanya. Supposedly we were supposed to be doing breakfast this morning, but I haven't heard a peep or a squeak from her about it. The last thing I got was a text saying, "cool" when I sent her a picture of me at the flea market. I had nothing to respond with. Sure, I could've said, "you're darn right its cool" but.. pfft. If you're going to respond with one word and not follow it up with anything, then you shouldn't be expecting a reply. This also goes for people who send a "LOL" and nothing else. I get it, you don't want a conversation.

And Kiley was ignoring my messages yesterday, until I sent her one describing what I would do to her in bed. Here is what that text looked like:

"Oh, and as for how I imagined you"
"In my bed, on your knees with your black lingerie pulled down and me giving it to you from behind."

Then she responds with, "David, I love your imagination"

I wrote back several hours later, "I love it too" and included a cheeky smiley face emoticon.

What a weirdo she is. What a weirdo I am, I guess. What a weirdo Gyngie and Tanya and everyone  else is, including my mom and stepdad.

At the flea market yesterday, I gave Trina the psychic a gift for Christmas. It was a handmade mailbox, probably painted by Amish/Hutterite people; and it was an awkward experience. As I gave it to her, her shop was crowded with people and her gift-opening moment kept getting interrupted by a couple of rude/clueless patrons. "How much is this?" some guy asks, referring to her Himalayan salt pyramid lamps. "I feel really relaxed, is it just me?" this same guy blurts out. To no one in particular. And then this other young gothy girl was in there, commenting on how nice the mailbox was and then stealing away the "limelight" from myself and Trina by talking about how Trina was dressed. "Thats a lot of purple" and Trina telling her how "dark" she made her felt.

It was a surreal, disappointing experience. I asked Trina what my name was, "Is it Mark?" and I was bummed. I was given a hug on sight, which was great, but her forgetting my name for the second time, is pretty lame. Especially coming from a flea market psychic who is supposed to somehow "know" these things.

I felt like I entered some kind of feeding frenzy in her shop, with all those people in there demanding her attention. I felt small, and insignificant. I picked up this cool looking jellyfish suspended in glass (glows in the dark!) for 20 bucks, and Trina gave me five bucks back. So at least I got something interesting out of it all, because the rest of the flea market sucked. I couldn't focus on any of the items there. It was too.. Or maybe I was too off-kilter from after seeing Trina, that I wasn't able to hunt down interesting little things like I normally do.

I don't know what I expected in doing this. I thought we would have a one on one conversation that lasts for more than a minute, uninterrupted, and that just didn't happen. Went in, dropped off the gift, got a hug, thank you, the jellyfish, and left.

*yawns* Its Monday morning and Gyngie is sleeping on the couch downstairs, with the patio door open. I can't believe how warm it is outside now. From -28c to +3c in just over 24 hours. Unbelievable. The world is ending/global warming is real/etc.


It was also awkward being with my mom/stepdad yesterday. When I mentioned going to see Gyngie later, they both started bashing her for being fat and that she "wants" something from me/is using me.

"She can't look at herself in the mirror! She's a beached whale!" was one of the things my stepdad said. My mom kept giving me the, "its good to have friends" speech and "don't let her take advantage of you" speech, both of which made me want to get the fuck out of that place as soon as I could.

They are really both negative people, I have to say. Even if my mother has this image of her being a sweet little old lady; I can tell you that is not the case. They're negative. They're racist. And where my stepdad openly insults and flaunts his negativity/ignorance; my mom keeps it toned down, and I think she secretly gets pleasure from my stepdad going off on his rants.

They say that generosity has a correlation to guilt; and I got a ton of stuff just for coming over yesterday. Including my stepdad's old MacBook. Yeah.. That was really nice of him, and appreciated, but.. they could've at least wrapped it up and given it to me for Christmas. I don't get how it was put inside of a plastic bag and handed over like it was some unwanted trash they needed to get rid of.

Mom gave me a bunch of food to take home. And money.. which I hate getting, because I feel like loser whenever I get it. But I know better not to argue with her, because I can't ever "win" these arguments. I've grown tired of getting angry with her for giving me money that I don't need. I don't want her money. She should be saving for her retirement/old age and..

I just don't want it.

And.. my mother should be giving me the things that I want most. Respect. Kindness. Thoughtfulness. Love. And to be perfectly honest, I don't think I'm getting much of any of those things from her.

Sometimes I wonder, if my mom has some psychopathic tendencies in her. She sometimes just seems to fake being a positive person to the point where everyone believes her. Or maybe she really is a positive person who also happens to be racist/is against fat people/etc.

I don't know, and.. I probably never really will know what is going inside of that mind of hers.

Man...

I don't feel like there's much else for me to be writing about in here. Just blabbing again, as usual.

("Kiley and I are having the best sex of our lives")

Four more days of that to go.

(sighs)

Ad Infinitum

"Kiley and I are having sex. Kiley and I are having sex. Kiley and I are having great sex. Kiley and I have had great sex. Kiley and I are fucking. And it feels soooo good."

With boobs like that, you can see why I've been reciting mantras and affirmations all day.

Those are some amazing looking nipples I tell you. Hrmph. (loosens collar)

See, I'm not one for vulgarity or using profanity when I don't need to, but Kiley is a special case. Mainly due to her having sent me a photo like that the second day we started chatting (and I didn't ask for nudes) and mainly due to her actually approving of that message I sent her, saying that I was thinking about fucking her.

"Kiley and I are having great sex."

When it comes to mantras and affirmations, I've read more than enough times that writing them down makes them become more potent. "Kiley and I are having sex."

And interestingly enough, after a day of not having been texted; she responded this morning and I teased her a bit, but holy hell, her texts are terrible.

Terrible, I tell you. I thought about putting them up here, but I ain't gonna. They're too depressing.

"Kiley and I have had sex."

See, I'm picturing clearly in my mind, this woman on a movie screen, on my bed, facing towards the wall, on her knees and getting plowed from behind while I grab the back of her lingerie with my left hand and hold her hip with my right. It's really vivid. I haven't incorporated any smells or sounds, but I'm working on it. Sounds are easy.

"Oh, David. Oh!"

"Kiley and I are having great sex."

As mad as all this sounds, I'm really interested in seeing what will happen when the week is up. I'm telling you, her texts are terrible and I often have to wait hours before getting a reply that makes no sense. It's actually pretty demoralizing, but..

"Kiley wants to sleep with me and have great sex."

Hmm. I like that mantra better for some reason. "Kiley wants to sleep with me." "Kiley wants to sleep with me."

Again, I'm so curious to see what will come out of this.

She said last weekend, that the weekend after this one, is the one where we'll meet. So technically, it'll be next weekend, Christmas weekend sometime; when she will want to come see me.

It may sound like I'm already in a shoo-in for this, but really, someone needs to read the entirety of our conversation to know how low my chances actually seem to be. She's flaky, but at least she's having sex with me.

"I am having sex with Kiley, and she loves it."

I wonder if varying the mantras are a good idea or not.. Hmm. I suppose it wouldn't hurt. Variety is the spice of life after all.

So, Tanya.. Hmm. She's tricky. I thought she would want to come meet me tonight, but it turns out she is going to help a friend "clean" her house, and that we should do breakfast on Monday or something. How lame is that? I really don't know what to think of her now, but she did call me earlier today, even if she did take a long while in responding to my messages from last night.

She's not flirting, either. So.. I'm not really sure how to make her "interested" in me, although I already know she is and she still owes me for having cancelled out on our last two dates; although it really wasn't her fault, this one kind of is.

Hmm. Again.. Not going to worry about it. I'm just going to accept what life has to offer, and face it calmly and with grace and gratitude.

Well, as much as I can, anyways.

See, I've been rejected enough times to know that.. another one isn't going to end things. Life is still going to go on. I will go on, and that's that.

And I should never put all my tadpoles in one basket.

So that is why I went on Tinder earlier today, and did a few swipes. Nothing came of it unfortunately, and that's okay.

She'll come eventually. Whoever she might be.

Right now, I just want to test my self-control and willpower. Kiley & Tanya are each giving me something to work off of, to see if I have what it takes.

So far, so good. I think. Although a part of me inside is disappointed that things aren't happening more quickly than I'd like; but that's okay too. Fast or slow, it doesn't matter. I'm just going to do what feels right, and put myself first. Not other women.

Well, except for Kiley.

Did you know she and I are having great sex?

Yeah. I went into the future and came back to report it to my present self. It was unbelievable! Those tits of hers were as magnificent as the picture.

Heh. I've never been comfortable with the words tits, pussy, asshole, cunt and cock. Obviously she is, therefore I'm going to have to make some exceptions and adapt myself.

Part of visualization is you need to *know* that what you're asking for, is going to come true. Or has already happened. I'm not sure which approach is actually best. Some techniques call for you to act as if it has already happened, but it hasn't (yet), and I'm not willing to fool myself into thinking that way. So therefore, I am basically relying on faith, and putting my confidence into that instead.

But faith is a tricky thing to define. I think I would call it as a form of "trusting". A "knowing" that I am capable of having whatever I want in life, if only I can trust myself and know that I am capable of getting it. And with Kiley, I do know I'm capable, and that all that's missing, is to trust myself.

To trust myself, is to have faith.

Doesn't have to be a higher power or anything, but it does have to be faith. Although I'm pretty sure it utilizes some kind of higher power, or appeals to one, regardless.

Asking God to make this girl have sex with me, seems kind of weird, but I could see it happening.

"Kiley and I have had the most amazing sex ever.."

"And her boobs are cray-cray."

Man.. It's only been two days of this, and I still have five more to go before I can quit the mantras. This is going to be an interesting ride.

"Kiley has fallen for me."

"Kiley wants my penis in her vag."

Yep. Pretty sad of me to be doing this, but hey.. Once it happens, I'll have the last laugh.

Only five more days to go.

(looks at boob photo)

Phew.

Can't wait to touch those.

God, I'm such a pervert.

Good thing we're having sex.

Wax On Wax Off

Dum de dum..

Another day, another bit of boredom. Didn't really do anything productive, and when Tanya texted me to ask how my day was, I kind of gave her a shrug of a response saying that it was uneventful.

And it was. I didn't leave the house. Washed the dishes, and thats about it really.

Listened to a podcast...

Yeah, thats it. Seriously, I don't know how I managed to pass the last.. uh, 12 hours without much to show for it.

Hm. No texts from Kiley today, kind of understandable given how it went last night. After that message I sent her, she basically put me into "alpha" mode, where I had the dumb compulsion to become arrogant and somewhat condescending. Oh well.

We're still having sex anyways. That is what I'm telling myself, continuing on with my visualization experiment. See, its not easy to keep it going. I remember when I practiced it to get my first girlfriend, I had this whole ritual laid out. I would have a single candle going in a dark bathroom, I'd lay down (always) this purple towel to kneel on, and I would visualize the shit out of Michelle becoming my girlfriend while completely naked and occassionally cutting myself with a knife.

Yeah, dark dark times. It did work though. Took less than a week, too.

But back then, I had a strong sense of urgency and willpower, and.. hmm. Innocence, I suppose. Nobody told me that what I was doing wasn't going to work. I convinced myself it would. It *had* to work. Ritualizing the process of visualization was the key to it all, I think.

That, and of course, the strong emotions I put behind it. It was a lot of work actually. Work that I'm not exactly putting in at the moment, as far as Kiley goes.

But I'm plugging away. I'm affirming having sex with her throughout the day. Again, if it works, great. If not, that's fine too.

Texting with Tanya today is kind of blah. She admitted last night that she doesn't enjoy texting, and I'm okay with not doing it much. I'm sure she would enjoy getting a phone call from me, but I don't want another three hour conversation. I also have no idea what we could talk about, since I'm still in the dark as to what she is passionate about and what our mutual interests might be.

I joked with her on the phone yesterday about how I was recording the conversation so I could transcribe it word for word onto my blog. The thing is, I have this call recorder app going that automatically records every phone call I make, so hilariously enough, I wasn't exactly joking with her when I said that. So, I listened to a bit of it earlier today, and I just love the way she laughs. I'm excited to see if I get to hear it in person, maybe tomorrow even.

Hmm.

I for some reason, seem to be.. mindful of my body today. More so than normal. For some reason, I'm aware of my biceps more than anything else. They feel strong. Prominent. Something to be proud about. And sexy. I have no idea why I'm fixating on them, or why I've been having moments here and there throughout the day where I'm feeling attractive and sexually-appealing. It's really strange, but hey, can't complain about it. I'm enjoying this bit of a boost to my self-esteem.

Maybe its related to the visualization/affirmations I've been doing. Could be, who knows? I might be being led towards a certain path, or shift in attitude. And those thoughts could be manifestations of the process.

I also have had the urge to go downstairs, whip off my shirt and jeans and start working out with music blasting. Thats another weird thing. I'm seriously considering it, but the habit of procrastination is still dominating my judgement.

After this week is up with Kiley, I think I'm going to try actually putting visualization to better use. I want to become an author. I want to finish my book, and I want it to be as well written as possible. To a standard that I can be happy with and that others will enjoy. For me, the reason/ratio for wanting to write the book, is kind of like 35% money, 35% for myself and 30% for an appreciative audience. I don't want to create a book for the sake of making money, but if I'm able to make money, then I can devote my life to being creative, rather than to suffer a job that I dislike doing.

Tanya impressed me with how ambitious and hard-working she is. I'm hoping that maybe if we hit things off, some of her will rub off on me. And I, uh.. will rub her.. I mean, rub one off, uh.. nevermind.

Here I go again, attaching myself to an outcome that may or may not come true.

I should know by now never to count my tadpoles before they hatch.

Just take it as it comes. Whatever life decides to throw at me. Or whatever God does. Or whatever button and switches my higher-self is manhandling around to get me to go where I need to be.

And to learn the lessons that I must learn.

Although I believe in reincarnation, I still have to treat this life as if it was the only one I have. My only chance.

And so far, it feels like I'm sort of blowing it.

Granted, I'm not at the end of my life yet to know for sure whether I have wasted this opportunity, this gift, but at the moment I do feel like..

I don't know. I feel like I'm going somewhere. Heading someplace. Being prepared for something.

And all these heartaches are going to amount to something important. Some kind of situation will happen that will necessitate the gathering of all the wisdom of these past experiences, so that I can overcome them. And surpass obstacles that formerly would have intimidated and baffled me. If this is what is happening, then I can see the point of what I've gone through.

Sometimes to get to heaven, once must first pass through hell.

You cannot appreciate the sweet, without knowing the sour.

Bliss without misery, is not bliss at all. It is simply a state of being that is taken for granted if you have no idea what misery is.

That's kind of encapsulates the sentiment of western civilization I think. We're so lucky and fortunate to be here. In these places where everything is available, and we aren't worrying about war or genocide or starvation or disease. Its not a utopia, but Canada and America are somewhat the best places in the world to be alive in. Yes, I know about Norway and other European countries, so maybe I'm not quite in the right when stating an opinion like this. Clearly I'm biased.

And blessed.

So blessed, that I'm not grateful enough to repay all that I have been given.

No, I've taken it for granted. Just like everyone else, or most people have been doing.

I still remember the Cuban lady I worked with, who told me the story of how she cried when she first visited a supermarket after fleeing her home country. She could not believe how much food was available. Such a thing we all take for granted, and she was so overcome with emotion that she wept.

Right there in the store.

That says something. Doesn't it?

We're all blessed. And we must stop taking our luxuries for granted. Consumerism is a shitty thing. Capitialism and democracy are breaking down. Money is the measure of man and power and influence, and its effects are demoralizing and dehumanizing because of how important it is growing to be. Day after day.

We deserve better than this, even though this is pretty good as it is.

Hmm.

Democracy 2.0.

Government, evolved.

And people, too. People is where change comes from. People can influence government, and corporations, even if they feel helpless and powerless to do so.

Mm.

My novel.. I really need to get cracking on it. I've got my last chapter finished, so I have to start thinking of the next one.

Now that my characters are leaving the hospital to go on their adventure, I have a lot of options to choose from as far as being creative goes.

I'm looking forward to it.

Mm.

Enough rambling for now.

Here Comes The Flip-Flopper

Hoo boy.

Oh, dear.

My goodness.

My word.

All appropriate reactions to the three-hour telephone conversation I had with Tanya just now before her battery died out.

Her voice man.. wow.. such a sweet, sexy, thoughtful and smart woman. I *really* was reminded of Gina. It's almost uncanny even. I'm pretty sure a breathless "hi" delivered by both of them would be indistinguishable from one another.

I really like Tanya.. I'm pretty surprised by it too. She's about four years older than myself, but she has this Gina quality about herself. A sweet, soulful and loving person.

Her oldest son is disabled, and she has two young daughters.

Hrm.

Well, that's neither here nor there, as we still have yet to meet and see if we can hit things off. I don't know how far I will be taking this, or whether or not she wants to take it very far with me.

We did exchange kissy emoticons at the end though, so.. ack. Looks like the ball is already rolling.

I really liked her views on things. Especially about manners. Like, she would address people as "sir" or "ma'am" and its such a considerate and respectful way of being that is so rare to see nowadays.

She's coming off of a painful marriage, and is presently separated. She makes these amazing looking cakes, and she seems all about pleasing her man. I like cakes. I like being pleased.

Hmm. Yeah.. I like her. But if I've ever learned anything about relationships, is to never get my hopes up.

So, I won't.

Would I prefer someone younger? Absolutely. Without kids? Yes. Someone with huge boobs? Serve it to me on a platter, my friend, I'll have as much boobage as can be served up.

But, she's not fat. And she looks beautiful without her glasses on. And yeah.. she's older.. and yes, she has kids. But it seems like everyone has kids these days. Gina has two. Kiley has two. And Tanya has three.

Hrm.

Still though, it shouldn't really matter, should it? I mean, I'm disappointed that I can't pass my genes on should I decide to commit to someone incapable of having more children, but.. is it really that important? I mean, maybe they'll clone me someday. That would keep things going, right?

Hmph. Who would want to clone me though? (insert laughing emoticon here)

Well.. Despite how great our conversation was, I am still thinking about having sex with Kiley. I know. This is going to be tricky. So.. I'm not going to pursue sex with Tanya on Saturday, should she decide to come over and should we hit things off in person. And.. Yeah, keep my expectations in check, I suppose. Sorry, but three months without sex is taking its toll on me. Its hard fighting off wanting to sleep with her on our first date.

She talks a lot. Like a LOT, LOT. I didn't get to say very much. 95% of the conversation was her, I think. And that's really fine, I guess. As long as she remembers to ask me a question every once in a while and as long as she is capable of enjoying silence for a bit.

Hrm.

Kissing emoticon. Well..

Hrmph.

Its already on that level... I can't believe I was hesitant about talking on the phone with her. It just went so well that I feel like an idiot for being worried and nervous when she offered to chat. Well, mildly worried and nervous since I wasn't expecting to like her as much as I did. I didn't have any expectations going into that conversation at all, other than to expect to improve my ability to chat over the phone.

Funny how that works. Being non-chalant and fearless, all seems to pay big dividends when I manage to exhibit these qualities. Had it been Kiley, I probably would've been tripping over my own two feet, trying to impress her. With Tanya, I didn't have to.

Oh life. Again. You're so full of surprises that I can hardly stand it. Sometimes.

And if I get into a committed relationship with Tanya, then I can't well be having sex with Kiley on the regular, like she expressed interest in doing so.

So thus, the dilemma.

Mm. Sex with Kiley, one time, I think, and that's it. I'm going to continue my visualization and see if it will work out or not.

If it doesn't, then thats fine. If it does, then great. I've proven its effectiveness, I suppose.

But boy its been made complicated now. I don't like sleeping with multiple women. I'm interested in monogamy, and I expect to be given the same, so...

Hm.

We'll see how it goes.

Looks like the magic has already happened.

The Man Who Knows Everything (and still knows nothing)

So, haven't hearing a peep from Kiley since 1:30 this afternoon, I did a bit of visualization + affirmations and once that was done, watched Jake the Snake: Ressurection.

After that was finished, and still haven't heard back from Kiley, I thought, "wouldn't it be funny if I sent THIS message to her?"

Just to shake things up. Because at this point, I really didn't have anything to lose. I mean look at my earlier messages. They're like mini walls of text where she replies with "me too" and its so demoralizing.

Wouldn't it be funny if I sent that though?

So, I did.

Geez. Give me a break. And her message makes no sense either.

Women! Pfft.

Now Tanya wants to talk to me on the phone.

Gotta go.

The Man Who Knew Nothing

Yep, I know nothing, folks. Despite all I've learned and experienced, I'm still feeling like an idiot.

Part of the reason why I'm floundering right now has to do with being lonely, I think, and not having enough things to do with my day that are worthwhile.

I really should make it a habit to exercise and write in the morning, Set an hour or two aside for that. Because at least then I can go about the rest of my day feeling like I've done something productive.

Meh. Tanya is baking a cake right now, and her texts are a bit confusing in regards to my inviting her to go out tonight to see Rogue One. She hasn't made it clear that she is interested, or when she will be finished, or even if she is available to go out tonight, so I don't know. Just sitting around waiting for her to text back, unable to make any plans.

And I'm in bed, just bored. I realize now that not having an intimate relationship with someone; both physically and emotionally, is really what the problem is. Sure, I can convince myself to not place much importance on getting a girlfriend, or getting laid; but thats a tough deception to pull off, because I am. I've always been that way.

Since I was.. 19 I think. Before that, I was too insecure and without much self-esteem to even think that a girlfriend was anything that I was capable of having. Just didn't believe in myself enough.

And it seems I still don't. I'm still putting pressure on myself about this. The more I want it, the further it slips away it seems. Until I reach a point of giving up, almost, and that is usually when things start to happen again.

I don't get it. I'm pretty bothered by it actually. The lesson is clear, be myself, don't take life so seriously and stay confident in who you are by being honest and true.

Easier said than done. Really.

Because honesty means expressing my desperation. Whether I want to, or not. It comes out regardless, and I hate it.

Yep, I'm a desperate man, I'll admit. But..

Yeah. There is no but. I'm attached to this.. need of mine for intimacy. I'm addicted to it. I crave it.

And it puts people off when I do.

So.. obviously, I shouldn't allow myself to be this way, but I can't help it. There is nothing more important in life, than the quality of the relationships a person cultivates and is involved in. Really. Human beings are the most important thing on this planet. With them, all things are possible. Money. Sex. Power. Love. Happiness.

But.. at the same time, I have to love myself before I can be loved by anyone else. That's a fact.

And loving myself is really hard right now. How would I do it? By..

Being productive, I guess. But thats another thing. I feel like I'm running on fumes. Like, music is not interesting enough to listen to all day. Movies are hit and miss. Books have a hard time keeping my attention. Video games? Meh. They're all pretty contrived and seem like a huge waste of time.

And yet, I continue to waste my time even if I don't do any of these things.

It's.. a puzzle I have to try and solve. I.. need to force myself to do stuff that is beneficial, because I know that after I do them, I usually feel better about myself. And feeling better helps in liking who I am. And liking who I am, brings in confidence. And confidence brings in fearlessness. And fearlessness brings out honesty. And honesty helps foster integrity. And integrity often gives me self-respect. And self-respect... you get the idea.

Whatever happened to effortlessly living a happy and joyous life? It shouldn't be this much work, but it is.

Attitude is everything. They say to keep a positive attitude.. well... Faking a positive attitude, and actually having one are two different things. I also don't think "fake it until you make it" is really a good aphorism to be taking heed of.

Hmm.

My happiness should always come first. Not at the expense of other people, either. But from within.

But, how?

Having a regular purpose and routine would probably do the trick. I could get up out of bed right now, go into the basement and start working out. I know I would feel better afterwards, too. But for how long?

And it still wouldn't alleviate these feelings of loneliness that I have. I still would be on my own. Craving human affection.

I miss that ex of mine. God, do I miss her. Every day felt meaningful. I had someone to talk to, someone to sleep with, someone to kiss and joke with.

And now, I really don't have anyone but phantoms. Women I've yet to meet from dating sites.

And Gyngie, I suppose.

But..

(sighs)

I'm tired.

I feel like retreating into a shell away from the world.

There was a brief moment earlier in my day where I felt 100% happy and relaxed and content. That was when I was laying on the floor next to the fireplace, listening to a Leonard Cohen album. Hearing him sing "Hallelujah" while feeling the heat from the fire against my skin was blissful. I loved it.

But it faded, as all things usually do.

I've been re-reading parts of the Kybalion, and it made mention of how a "master" is able to polarize himself on the swing of the pendulum where he most wants to be, and to compensate for the rhythm of being swayed between the extremes of negative and positive emotions. Although the Kybalion talks about all this, it doesn't give any methods for achieving these things. Only to say that it is something people are capable of doing.

Well, I'll have to figure that one out. The book really resonates with me, as do many other books of this kind, but putting it to practical use is the tricky part.

Maybe.. Maybe I'll try visualization again. It worked for me in the past, it should work for me now.

And if I'm laying in bed, in silence, under warm sheets and feeling lost and lonely; then I have all the time I need to be able to do these mental exercises.

Hm. I wonder..

See, what I'm thinking now is that I want to sleep with Kiley. But I'm having an awful time in our texts together, because she's just not.. someone I can easily relate to. And she is not very emotionally generous towards me. I write these big long paragraphs and she responds with short quips. Its very hard to get a handle on what she's interested in, what her passions are, what drives her, what she wants out of life, etc.

So then.. maybe I could try and visualize us together. Just as an experiment to see if I have what it takes to affect my circumstances by imagination alone. Although to be fair, action will come from the attitude shift that will inevitably arise if I keep my target in sight and practice visualizing an outcome.

But thats the whole point. To *shift* my way of thinking onto a path that is more beneficial to me than the one I am on right now.

If visualization can do it, why not give it a shot? Visualization and faith got me my first girlfriend. It made me miss a date with my math tutor. It did a few other things in life as well.

Hm.

So visualization time. Now I have to decide exactly what I'm going to chase after. With Kiley, its fairly easy to visualize her face and to imagine an outcome. I could try and visualize the woman of my "dreams" coming to me, but that is too nebulous and uncertain of an image to produce in my mind.

Could try and visualize Gina contacting me again, but that feels almost like an impossible wish for me to have. I'd really have to exert myself and believe its possible before it can actually be.

Hm.

Kiley. Let's try it. It's Thursday, so.. maybe twenty minutes of visualizing each day for a week, just to see what will happen. If anything does. I've got nothing to lose really, and either way I'd be okay with the outcome. Whether I get her or not.

Okay..

Time to make some magic happen.