Another soul sucking day.
My mother was ragging on me to apply for social assistance so I went and when I saw the place, huge but empty and the security guard standing at the door - I just left.
Fuck this.
When my mom asked if I applied, I said yes but needed to send updated bank statements. Which wasn't a lie, I did apply over a month ago and didn't include any bank statements. Didn't submit it yet.
But at the mall I was in, almost everyone was an immigrant. Women with burkas, Somalian men, plenty of blacks and at one point I watched a Muslim dude walk to a corner and began praying to the wall.
I must have been in the 15% of white people that I saw there. Nothing wrong with any of these people, but we no longer are a majority. The Canada I grew up in is long gone.
Taken over. So much for legal migration based on merit. Some of the women who walked around looked like they were dressed well with new clothes and new handbags. When I see them driving in their cars, they look brand new too.
Meanwhile, here I am in my 2009 Jeep Cherokee which sucks out gas and constantly has a check engine light on.
Struggling in my country of birth.
I keep thinking back to the "what ifs" and "should have" from two years ago. Imagine how it would have been if I made the right decision when I knew I had to make it. Instead, I didn't set my alarm that night and... well, I won't get into it.
It's led me to here.
Broke and living with my mother having almost next to nothing.
And I prepared for all this.
I expected hard and chaotic times were coming.
Earlier I watched Jeff Berwick's latest video where he kept talking about how important it was to get ready, to get prepared. To work on ourselves physically, mentally and spiritually.
And all I kept thinking was.
I TRIED. I TRIED THIS.
I installed a six stage water filter two years ago that took fluoride out. I stocked up on vitamins and minerals and Ivermectin and anything I might need in a medical emergency.
I bought a Total Gym to work out with. I bought camping equipment and everything I thought I would need for being outdoors for prolonged periods at a time. Even a big box of those chemical hand warmers that you shake and produces instant heat.
I prayed every night. Connecting myself with the spirit. Giving gratitude. Formulating a vision in my mind of what I wanted to accomplish. Not having any debt and a new vehicle.
So close and yet so far.
Now I am overloading my mind with information on a daily basis. Listening to all the videos and podcasts about how bad everything is getting. Stuff that talks about who is responsible for all this. What are aliens? Do we live under a dome? Inside of a simulation like Icke and Archaix says?
Where do we go when we die? How do we escape reincarnation? What caused the resets in our history? Was Jesus real? If devils and demons exist then where are the good guys? If they are here, how do we contact them?
Are we Gods or is that blasphemy?
Clearly praying every night for most of my life to that God didn't seem to result in very many good things happening to me.
Jeff was also saying that "everything happens for a reason" and... I really don't like that saying. What do you mean Jeff? Everything is scripted? Including innocent children being murdered in Gaza?
Including my going bankrupt? Losing my home? Losing my will to survive?
Why did Karlee and I meet when I have no means of going to Australia at the moment? How can we be together? No wonder I felt sad while being with her. I wish she could have seen my old place with the mood lighting, the fireplace, the comfortable bed and couch and decorations. My shelves of books, my movies.
It did feel like we met for a reason but I look at the results of us meeting and I look at my situation now and...
Fuck, man.
I did not ask for any of this to happen.
I'm not able to smile as easily as I once did. My imagination which was once rapid and vivid has somewhat faded. My energy is directed on a black rectangle that I hold in my hand as I constantly search for that needed tidbit of truth that I can add to the rest of the puzzle pieces in my collection.
What good is all this knowledge if I am not using it?
I suppose I am putting my spirit to ease. Knowing that as the big picture comes together, I might gain that needed *click* to change everything around.
I know I can't do it by conventional means. Getting a job. Can't repair my destroyed credit that way. It would take years.
Had I woken up that morning and sold those stocks, I was going to take a breather from the market, pay off my debt and take a trip someplace to recover and plan what I was going to do next.
So...
I find it very interesting that each time I appear to elevate myself on a spiritual level, *something* happens to pull me back down. I get it now. I see the pattern. Whether it's a woman who shows up to distract me from my purpose and incite drama, or its making impulsive decisions that go against what I normally would consider illogical and brush it off as "intuition" when it was really some kind of external intelligence messing with me. Making sure I end up where I am now.
I was doing a lot back then. Made USB drives with important videos on them and dropped them off in random places. Hoping to wake people up to what was going on. Tried getting friends to invest with me and make money. Tried to organize a plan for us to live communally on property outside of the city. We always talked but never executed on any of it.
Nobody took anything seriously.
I wasted a lot of my time on other people. My ex, my friends, my family.
No wonder my ex thought we were soul mates. When you put a giver and a taker together, the giver always loses.
I was on my way to writing a book. To becoming financially secure enough to begin the next stage of my life. Second passport. Was considering going to Poland.
I wouldn't have had to pay much to maintain my home. I could've rented it out and made money while I was abroad.
Could've worked minimum wage and lived there indefinitely.
But look where I am now.
Everything happens for a reason, huh?
Maybe. I've not written it off. Maybe the reason is a good one that is unknown to me. Maybe upon death I will be told this was all a game, a test and...going bankrupt was one of the ways I was being tested.
If that is so, it is no wonder that I am refusing to play this game any longer.
I didn't consent to being tested. I didn't ask for this fall from grace. I had other ambitions and ways of evolving and improving myself as well as others.
But I needed to take care of myself financially first. That is why I went headfirst into the market and obsessed about money for over a year. I had to get myself into a good position.
And now look.
I cooked a pizza today for myself and it was unpleasant. I used to enjoy cooking until moving in with my mother. Every utensil has some kind of dried food on it someplace or a substance on the handle. Pick up a knife and stains were on it. Pick up a spatula and flour was on the handle. Not going to dry my hand on the dirty dish towel that has been bunched into the oven handle and not draped over like it should be.
My pizza pan was missing. There were two frying pans sitting inside the oven that needed to be removed. My pizza cutter is gone. Looking into cabinets I see random items placed next to random items instead of being arranged the way they should be. If you have OILS in one cabinet, do NOT put a mess of plastic forks and spoons and knives next to it. If you have a cabinet with spice, do NOT put other random shit in there. I tried finding garlic power and who knows if it was buried in the back of the mess I was looking at.
I'm angry and this is not the way my life was supposed to be. I smiled so easily back then. Found joy in the simple things. Cooking my own food. Making my own tea. Now I won't even make tea because the tap water is hard and contaminated and the handle of the kettle feels gross and dirty. I don't even know where my loose tea container went. Mom probably tossed it out or put it in a random cabinet someplace.
There's a bag of almonds that I sometimes snack on here. Putting a handful in my mouth, I bite into something chewy and realized that my mother decided to mix in some chocolates with it. Not only that, but she doesn't seal the bag so the almonds lost their freshness.
It's these little things that I can't stand. Would she like it if I mixed in some pepper in her salt shaker?
I can't keep doing this.
Can't live here and yet every day is exactly the same. If the "demons" wanted to have me trapped and monitored, well, look at me now.
I have to look outside every day at rainbow flags whenever I go for a cigarette. Staring at the apartments that face me. Remembering how it once was where I only had one window across from me in my old place and there was rarely anyone ever standing by it.
The apocalypse I prepared for has truly turned into a nightmare with me being the opposite of prepared.
Caught. Trapped. Held prisoner.
No privacy. No real freedom of movement. No peace. No feeling of belonging. No money.
And yet, I still repeat my dreams to myself. The ones I've mentioned in earlier posts.
If this is a simulation or if someone/something is watching me from above, now is the time to shift the pendulum the other way. Hard.
Can't imagine myself going for a year like this.
Can't imagine a Divine Creator observing my life and thinking that this is what I deserve for believing in it.
So...
I'm pondering it all..
This is the time for a miracle to present itself.
I want to feel like Michael Douglas did in the Game and wake up from this nightmare with my wealth restored. To feel those feelings of gratitude again. Of peace. Connection to spirit. To be full of warmth and optimism and love again.
This needs to end one way or another.
Why wait for a natural death? Why bother with any of this?
That is why if this is a game, I choose not to play if intervention does not occur soon.
I want to help people but I need to first be helped.
And I am so tired.
So tired of all this.
In the Kybalion it is said to transmute negativity into positivity.
Tell me, what is there to be positive about? Having a roof over my head?
Not having to pay bills? Buy food?
Am I going to be waking up each morning with a big smile feeling grateful for these things?
Sure, I care and appreciate them to an extent.
But I've really disassociated myself from this place. All these migrants make me feel like I'm living in a different country. A fake copy of the Edmonton I once remembered.
No wonder I criticized this city over the last few years. Poor infrastructure. All this liberal woke nonsense going on. Didn't think I'd ever be back living in this place.
Yet, here I am.
I don't want to end this entry on such a negative note.
Today I left a comment about Christ on a Youtube video that got someone's attention in a positive way.
We need to attain a Christ-like consciousness to get out from under all this chaos.
But...
Sighs.
In my situation? ...
Anyways.
I think I helped someone at least.
I still believe in miracles.
I'll keep waiting for mine to happen.
This is the time.
Send me a signal, God.
Show me that you care.
And help me become a better version of the man I once was.
Thank you.
