Sad

It was a sad day. Spent most of it looking at screens. Didn't learn very much. Nothing great going on in the world. 

And it's really lonely here. Not talking to Karlee because well... 

My last message to her was an apology I suppose. Told her I was black pilled and depressed without realizing it. Said she was the best thing that's happened to me in awhile and that was true, but she didn't respond and that's ok. 

The weight of it all. I was watching videos of an American fellow who goes around doing audits of public federal buildings and the reactions he get from some of those people for exercising his constitutionally protected rights is demoralizing.

I don't know why I watch these kind of videos. Negative upon negative.

Crushing my faith in humanity.

The solution is to get into watching a cheery movie, listen to music I like, play a video game, take a bath, read a book, go for a walk.

But I can't seem to do any of these things. Not in this place. 

I feel guilty for watching movies. Video games are a waste of time. Can't take a bath and there aren't any books I'm interested in.

Going for a walk... at night... isn't all that fun.

Not in this city anyways.

I don't know what to do or think or feel anymore. Every day is the same. Everyday is another inch closer to what looks like the end for all of us. Europe just approved digital IDs and currencies for everyone. Once money is eliminated from the system, it's all over for us.

But I think I know how it is going to go. With little reaction from the public. Everyone is used to using debit cards and phones so they won't feel much of a difference. 

Except their freedoms will be gone. We're already on a slippery slope. From here the control system gets tighter and tighter until travel and purchases are restricted. 

Internet censorship still going. Who knows what could be happening somewhere with an important event that gets hidden from the rest of the world.

My heart is heavy. I shouldn't be focusing on all of this but what else is there? I did post on Reddit and on YouTube about my thoughts on Jesus, hoping the perspective I have will help add to others who may be wavering in their faith and understanding.

For myself personally, I can't live in his footsteps even if I wanted to. It's not that the miracles get in the way of all that, but the situation I'm in is so restricted. So boxed in that I have almost no options of doing anything other than staying within a 15 minute driving radius. Sure, I could drive further than that but what's the point? Go where? Do what?

Sit in my car and listen to podcasts and watch videos? 

I don't know what my breaking point is. It's already been over a year of this. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm living in a terrarium where my mother knows my every move and so do other people because I can't seem to find privacy anywhere I go. 

Earlier I parked in a secluded spot and what happens? Here comes a fire truck with sirens flashing parking almost right across from me, bright headlights aimed into my windshield. A few guys gets out and walks around somewhere in the bushes behind me and leaves after about 20 minutes. 

Once they left, another car came and parked to my right. The guy was hanging out as well.

I decided to drive a couple minutes down to the park and at least six or seven vehicles drove past me with their bright headlights shining into my Jeep. At one point a car parked right next to me in a place that is well abandoned but that was justified, a man had locked himself out of his car and his cell phone was inside. He needed me to call a tow truck for him. I guess that part is alright.

But I can't keep going on like this.

I feel such a disconnect from this world. There are parts of humanity I love and appreciate but it seems to be shrinking. How many good and intelligent people are there left in this world? What is a good person anyways? 

Earlier Ben Shapiro blasted Candance Owen for tweeting scripture and suggested she should quit the Daily Wire. I don't know if this was planned publicity for them but its the big thing for today it seems.

Some volcano in the Netherlands is erupting. A Mexican one too.

Saw videos of immigrants attacking people. One in Germany was aggressive and kicked the taillight of an elderly German man for no reason, provoking a confrontation that the man didn't want to engage in while this immigrant walked around shirtless going into hysterics.

It doesn't seem like things are going to get better. 

I watched a Brian Scott video on prayer to see if I could get any tips. He suggested a Rosicrucian method that involves visualization, imagination and concentration. I was able to do that for maybe about five minutes.

It feels like we're living in that scene from Star Wars with the garbage compactor walls closing in tighter and tighter. 

I really don't want to live a life like this. This is not living. This is dying. This is guilt and resentment and shame and lack of privacy, self-esteem and anger and sadness. All of those lower emotions.

I remember how it was when I was in my own place. I think of it often.

It's gone, David. That old life is gone.

The old world is gone as well.

Friends are gone. Family feels gone.

Future feels gone.

It's like we're waiting for the doomsday clock to finally hit midnight but instead of moving seconds at a time, it's moving in micro-fractions of a second.

There is the possibility of miracles though. I believe in them. I've experienced them. I know they can happen.

Will they happen? For me or the world?

Will Christ return?

And will I be worthy of anything? I can't do anything other than defend Jesus in places like Reddit and YouTube. 

And even if I could re-experience the Christ spirit, what can I possibly do? Where can I go without money? Without the ability to use a credit card? Without a passport?

I miss my old life. Do anything, go anywhere, dream of the future, access to multiple options, privacy in my own room. 

I miss that bedroom of mine. It was huge. My father's bedframe, my little altar, that purple and blue paint on the walls. I miss burning incense and turning the lighting of the room into interesting colors. Praying. Listening to music. In that comfortable bed of mine.

Staring up at the ceiling with the laser star projector I had. Three of them blending together.

Now all I have is a solitary candle by my side at night and my mother during the day.

Why does it feel like I was destined to do something special for everyone? For myself? That I played an important role in something that is yet to come?

It still kind of feels like it but nothing is happening. Nothing is changing.

And my creativity and optimism and energy is not how it was because of where I now am.

It feels like my heart and soul has been sliced to pieces and all I can do is... nothing.

Healing myself means to love myself again. Finding optimism means to love people again.

Creativity means to have privacy and to daydream and be able to connect with the source.

Not have my mother interrupt those moments. Not her fault but...

There's really nothing I can think of doing about any of this.

What a mess.

There's really two options. A miracle and... 

I don't want to say what the other option is.

I'd like to believe.

Believe in divine intervention I suppose.

I can see why celebrities, politicians and other influencers are peddling particular narratives. It's because they have sold their soul for power and prestige.

There are times when I wonder if they made a good deal if we are trapped inside this material realm with no way out from the reincarnation trap.

But I bet they didn't. Matthew Perry died last week. Young guy, but there he goes.

And he did announce that he would do anything for fame and fortune prior to his role on Friends. 

Well, he got what he wanted and then he went into drugs, addiction and finally lost his mind before passing away from heart failure.

At least that is what I'm assuming he died from.

I look at the world and think of all the evil people in it. Kissinger, Obama, Clinton, Bush, John Kerry, Al Gore... And I realize that so many of those types are old. Real old. I wonder who their replacements will be. Soros apparently put his son Alex in charge and Alex tweeted that he's going to be 100 times worse than his father. So that's not good.

King Charles doesn't look like an upgrade either. If he passes, William isn't going to be any better of a replacement.

No more Jimmy Saville types around it seems. Not publicly anyways.

Well... there are a few celebrities that have questionable auras about them, but nothing as obvious as Epstein or Saville.

I wonder...

If a great awakening somehow happens and we all wake up at the same time, I'm still going to be living with my mother and suffering aren't I? Younger people are still going to have a hard time buying a home. Inflation is still going to be high. Cars are still going to be expensive. Immigration is still going to keep happening.

I know whats to come next. The New Age. Trump wins, Poulivere wins. Other conservatives in other parts of the world will win. They'll throw people like Fauci under the bus. They'll apologize for all the needles in people's arms. Restore some freedoms.

But they'll also enforce greater restrictions as we transition to this new paradigm.

Everyone will need an ID to access the internet most likely.

Won't need to physically carry ID around anymore once the facial, retinal and fingerprint recognition systems come online connecting everything into one digital wallet of sorts.

I refuse to participate in a system like this. 

Which is why I wish things would have gone different for me. That I sold those stocks when I should have.

I could probably hole up in my house relatively left alone and work a simple job. Like Skip The Dishes. Living in a smaller town and ignore most of the drama going on.

But I...

I still wouldn't want to be here. 

Maybe southern BC but even still. Mexico? Alone? No fluency in Spanish? 

Or Poland?

A one way ticket to Peru and hide out in the mountains in a small village. Not ever come back. That would be interesting. Unlikely to happen though.

There is no hiding from any of this no matter where I go I don't think.

I'd like to be around people who love me but no one does.

I don't know if my mother even cares anymore.  This day to day of seeing each other has made me not want to engage with her small talk. It was okay when I saw her once a week and on the phone but seeing her every day and interacting.... I'm indifferent. Tired. Irritated. 

I just want my peace and privacy and money enough to do things with.

A decent car. My passports.

I'd love to travel to the States. Drive to Arizona, Missouri, New Hampshire and see all the different places along the way.

But at the moment I can't.

Can't afford it.

I need help from above or within but I am conflicted on how exactly it all works. I know it begins with a raised consciousness. A good connection. One that I cannot cultivate in this place.

Just tired of it all.

Make it stop.

I'll do almost anything.

I just want to be on the side of good.