Earlier today as I sat alone in my Jeep in Sherwood Park facing the city and watching everything turn from a blue chemtrailed setting sun in the sky to dark with a crescent moon and the flashing lights of a helicopter hovering nearby, I saw a familiar face.
Strange to see as I had a flash in my mind of this man prior to my entering the parking lot and I don't usually come to this particular spot. But as I sat in my Jeep, this old fellow left his truck across from me and walked around looking left and right. He slowed down my vehicle and I shot him a questioning look before breaking eye contact, letting him know I found his behavior suspicious.
He walked past my line of sight, presumably to go to the bathroom I thought but ended up returning and asking me "what are you up to?"
It dawned on me that this fellow was the same eccentric character I saw at the park last summer, where he also was walking around erratically as if he was unsure of where he was and was looking for someone. We had a brief chat and somehow the conversation turned into politics and covid. He was all upset when I suggested that covid wasn't what he thought it was and then when I brought up Biden, he said he LOVES Biden. Obama, too! And at that moment I felt such a revulsion that I left, as he seems to have branded me a conspiracy theorist. He also didn't seem human or in his right mind.
Well, there he was again. Asking me what am I up to. It took a moment for me to register who he was and I felt those earlier feelings of revulsion appear.
Why do I get the feeling that this kind of person is an agent of the system somehow? That they are drawn to me to keep tabs on what I'm thinking or doing? I don't know. Call it a coincidence I saw him a second time but... His mannerisms and behavior and way of thinking was alien to me. As if he were a type of robot.
But I kept myself polite and smiled, asking if he still supports Biden. Hilariously, he said he changed his mind and that his beliefs were like "the wind". We bantered a bit and then I asked what he thought about covid.
That was when he became uncomfortable again and I had to laugh at his reaction. He said the usual stuff of "I had to take the shot" and didn't change his mind on how much of a psyop it was.
Anyways... That was the highlight of my day I suppose.
I spent the rest of it watching videos on the plasma apocalypse/magnetic reversal and a video on the missing plane from 2014. MH something or another.
There was and continues to be a complete... sadness about myself. A sadness I feel deep in my heart for the situation I am in and the situation everyone else will soon be in.
I really want out of this country. Go spend my final days someplace warm and surrounded with new faces and new things to see. Friendlier people, I hope. Potential friends.
Coming home, I just couldn't handle the frequency disruption and immediately tuned myself out. My mother made such small talk banter that I couldn't care at all to respond to her. She said stuff about a cousin of mine who had kittens and that I needed to see them because they were so cute. Said other things that really had no significance whatsoever. It's always been that way with her and I. Not much depth in our conversations. Even when important subjects are introduced, she doesn't bring much to the table other than default to a "don't trust people" mode especially when it comes to relationships.
She said something about making $50 on a haircut or whatever and I just didn't care. It felt like such a non-thing to talk about.
In an earlier post I described how it felt like I was inside of a building that I knew was going to be on fire and made my preparations to leave. Everything I needed. Except all those preparations have disappeared and now I'm stuck inside, unable to go anywhere else. Forced to watch it all burn with me inside of it.
I wonder about God at times. Was this the plan for my life all along? To end up broke and living with my mother? Humiliated and shamed and broke?
No privacy? No options to leave?
I'm really tired of all this. My catchphrase in case you haven't noticed. I say this a lot.
I don't know why I even get up in the mornings. Not that I'm depressed but there's really nothing to do but look at my phone.
Constantly looking at my phone. Even my mother brought it up and suggested I find other things to do. When I asked what, she said to work on one of those word puzzles where you find the letters of a word and circle them before finding the next. I thought that was...
Sighs. Pointless. So pointless and such a waste of time.
So many of what we do in our free time IS a waste of time I've noticed. If people aren't distracted by the television, its social media, it's playing video games, it's watching sports.
None of those things make anyone smarter or more knowledgeable about what's going on. My mother spends all day watching some Turkish television soap opera that has around 600 episodes. She's about at number 300 now after a month of finding it. Each episode is roughly 45 minutes.
At least its better than watching the Bachelor. Or Temptation Island. God forbid she watches documentaries or anything to educate herself with.
But whatever. We're different people. Always have been. It's just that the disconnect between us is so strong. Our personalities don't line up well.
This is not my home. It's her home. I have no love or appreciation for anything here. Not the noise the furnace makes when it heats up, not the ugly bathmats my mom uses, not the view from the back patio, not the toilet I use downstairs, not the hard water that comes from the taps, not the stains on the handles and light switches and handrails.
I'm really not supposed to be here. I don't care about this place in the least. It was a terrible decision for her to buy this particular townhouse. Almost $500 a month in condo fees. For practically nothing.
And my old place had no condo fees. Just $2,200 a year for property taxes.
Yeah. I still resent how my mother refused to live there with me instead of in this dump. Where bright parking lot lights from the apartment complex across from us shines right into our windows.
Whatever.
I don't know what the future holds for me. Can't seem to get out of here.
And I remember how close I was to achieving a good level of financial stability with no debt and having a beautiful duplex with three bedrooms and a garage with a big fenced-in backyard.
Real tired of this. The fall from how I was to this has been humbling and demoralizing to extremes I didn't think was imaginable.
What I don't like is the constant irritation I feel while here. The need for me to keep myself distracted so I don't focus any attention on how much I dislike it all. How hopeless it feels. How I can't sit by myself to think and gather energy and not be interrupted by banging noises from the kitchen or my mother constantly wandering past me sometimes multiple times an hour. Looking at me each time she does.
It's... unbearable so I have to disassociate.
Just go numb to it all.
There is no other way of dealing with this.
So where are you God? Is this the plan you have for me?
The special plan Pastor Len mentioned?
I was thinking earlier and its a wild assumption, but I feel like I've been targeted for awhile. There are forces working in the background that have had an interest in me. Such as it is with that fellow who showed up at the park today. Such as it is with my mom that I think she is meant to keep tabs on me.
I don't know if I mentioned this story, but a couple years ago I bought one of those faraday pouches for cell phones that completely block out the signal so it doesn't get a reception. One day I decided to go for a long drive to camp out on an island for the night. My mother and I talked maybe once a week and I had just talked to her prior to going.
Once I put my phone into the pouch and did what I did, I returned to seeing her call me immediately after I pulled it back out. She had nothing of interest to say or ask. Just, "what are you up to?"
I swear it feels like I've been targeted. Still targeted. Monitored.
That isn't the only example either. The best one was St. Paul where she called me 8 times in one day while I had the phone in the pouch. Despite talking to her the day before. I didn't tell her where I was going either.
But she KNEW somehow that I was off-grid so to speak and needed to establish where I was.
I also know that it has nothing to do with my speaking details into the phone, just that I had the phone on.
Which means I could be located. By whatever it is that has an interest in me.
It makes me wonder. I think of alternate timelines, but I also think of destiny.
You may be able to change the timeline but you might not be able to change an outcome.
You may intervene and keep someone from meeting a particular person, but eventually that person will come back into the picture at a later date.
It's like preventing a car crash from happening and next week a crash happens anyways.
Fate. Destiny.
So...
As bad as things are for me right now, perhaps it's not all a lost cause. Its bad. Real bad.
But miracles can still happen.
Destinies can still be realized.
Anyways...
The world is still screwed and I don't want to be here.
I want to be elsewhere.
New people, new things to see, better weather.
Anywhere but here.
I've sent my requests.
May they be granted.
