At this point, I just want a response.
Been reading the Magus by Barrett and I'm going to try some of those ideas.
I don't want to get into the deep occult but the book is written by a Christian it seems, one that matches up with some of my beliefs.
I've read so many books. Watched so many videos.
Not a lot of people intersect on certain premises. Not on magic, not on the nature of reality. You have a book like Reality Transurfing which doesn't quite work with something like The Secret in certain ways.
The Egyptian Book of the Dead had some nice rules for living that look similar to the 10 commandments.
Emerald Tablet of Thoth reads weird to me. Not much overlap in other esoteric books after that point.
David Wilcock wrote some great books on manifesting and the nature of reality but I look at him today on his YouTube channel and he seems like a broken, bankrupt mess after his divorce. I really feel bad for him. Except, he does have a nice acreage in Montana with wildlife running around.
So... Krishnamurti probably said it best. "Truth is a pathless land" ... there is no singular belief system or doctrine that will lead one to the full Truth of whatever the seeker is searching for.
DaVinci learned all that he did from observation of nature and contemplation. No books required for that man.
Edgar Cayce channeled material that he had no previous knowledge of. A devout Christian who spontaneously started talking about Atlantis, predicting the future and healing ailments in people. He didn't read books on how to do any of that.
Rudolph Steiner wrote more than a hundred thousand pages in his life. His brain was like a fountain that couldn't shut off. Much of it was original and well thought out.
People like Blavatsky and Tesla just got information beamed into their brains. From outerwordly entities/intelligences.
So...
Truth appears to be a pathless land and it is fruitless of me to keep searching for the answer when as the Bible says, "The Kingdom of God is within" meaning all of the riches and glory of God is available to us in the here and now.
No books required.
Erwin Laslo called it the Akashic Field. Thoth called it the Halls of Amenti.
Some call it the world computer where all information is stored.
I've channelled a few times myself. It's incredible how well things flow when one gets into a particular state of mine and devotes themselves to a singular purpose. Being in the here and now.
I think I have distracted myself long enough with all of this information I'm seeking out. I already have the information within me. Knowledge is useless unless applied.
I want to apply it but I need help in doing so.
Apply it how? To aid my understanding?
I already know my purpose in life was to fall in love, be loved and to maintain a harmonious, reciprocal relationship with someone like-minded.
I am a life path #6 after all. 1 + 1 + 2 + 5 + 1 + 9 + 7 + 7 = 33 = 3 + 3 = 6
It was a sad day for me. Living with my mother is hard at times. Her mind is...
I don't know what to say about her. I don't want to say much about her.
I just know I can't grow in this place. Sometimes it feels like I'm the parent but the parent gets offended when I say parental things.
Tired. Been saying that a lot lately.
Sitting at the park in my Jeep until it gets dark.
Just wanting to find quiet time alone to commune with my spirit and its hard to do. It feels like every few minutes someone is walking or driving by or peering out of their windows to look at me.
I drove away for a bit and thought I'd go to another secluded spot but in this case, 7 or 8 cars were crowded up together and several immigrants were standing outside talking with one another.
Drove a little further and parked. Noticed that there was someone looking at me from the window of their house. Left.
There are no private places for me.
Abba... Please read these words.
Such torment and suffering.
I understand it sounds petty but...
I'm not able to find myself in a place like this.
I miss how everyone once was.
Quiet. Private. Secluded. A good book and some music.
Maybe a video game.
A warm bath.
Such distant memories, my mind sees the possibilities of the world and cannot move towards them.
Trapped inside this open-air glass-walled prison. Like a goldfish in a clear bowl that everyone can see.
Tired of it. I have so much to offer but at this moment I am tired of giving.
I am ready to receive.
Each day I go over the list of my wants, needs and desires. Sometimes three or four times.
I try to remember doing it in the mornings and before I go to sleep.
And throughout the day.
This world needs healing. I feel like I can contribute towards that.
But first, I must be healed myself.
And I cannot do it in a place like this.
I would rather...
I want to serve.
To do good things.
I know that for a miracle to present itself I must be willing to receive and believe in it.
And so I do my best.
There was a time when I truly felt like a magus.
I'd like to go back.
And be given another chance.
Thank you Aba.
There's not much time.
