I'm not sure what I should be doing at this point.
Writing words into this post, letting my thoughts flow.
But to what end? To purge the helplessness I feel with the situation I am in? A temporary band-aid on a bullet wound?
Tomorrow is going to be the same, isn't it? Still sitting on my mother's couch, in my mother's townhome, still no privacy or independence or much chance of getting either.
My mind keeps going back into the past. Should've done this, should've done that, would've done this after doing that.
Imagining myself in this alternate reality and knowing that I would probably be in Poland or Mexico right about now. A new life, far away from this terribly broken and cold country I'm in.
My fingernails are growing long and I just don't care enough to trim them. I used to take such good care of myself. Brewing coffee and cooking with 6-stage filtered water, showering under a filtered head that took the hardness and other chemicals out, choosing safe foods to eat and washing fruits and vegetables before eating them, frequent baths with salts to help detoxify, occasional fasting, daily walks, prayer, meditation, keeping my clothes clean and laundered.
Now, none of that really matters anymore.
I'm seeing this reality for what it is and the helplessness is... to the level that I cannot see a way out of this other than a miracle. There is no way getting a "job" and saving money is going to cure any of this. I'm still going to come home to low-vibration food and municipal water and dirty utensils and a mother who just doesn't seem to have the intelligence or awareness to understand or want to understand that this reality is not what she thinks it is.
It's hard dealing with this.
Staring at my black slab for hours at a time. Something that I didn't do as often when I was on my own because there were so many other things to do.
Here, I can hardly do anything. Maybe that is why I'm writing this post. Because it is something I am able to do.
Last night was a bit of a serendipity when I came across this video from Chuck Swindoll.
Which went into further detail about who and what controls this world and how much we have been deceived.
There is nothing more... sad than knowing more about how evil has enslaved us and knowing that I made preparations two years ago to help get me through what I saw was coming.
Solar generator, extra freezer, tons of spices and salts and everything I thought I could use.
I even packed a suitcase full of new clothing for a tropical climate that I expected to travel to. I had a duffle bag packed with necessary winter gear in case I needed to jump ship or the power was cut. I even had a gas generator in my garage.
Two passports. All I needed was to pay off my debts and I came so close.
Yes, I keep fixating on the past. Imagining the alternate scenario. Knowing how different my life would be now.
If "everything happens for a reason" and God has a "special plan" for me... well, its high time those reasons and that plan comes together to get me out from this mess.
It's so hard to smile these days. I try not to think about where I am, what is coming and how much I wish Karlee would have visited me while I was in my own home. She would have loved it. It would have been such a memorable experience for her.
Especially at a time when I wasn't feeling like such a piece of shit that has had the rug pulled out from under him at such a critical moment.
Well... it's in the past. So... what of the future?
I can hardly think of how I can get from here to Mexico without money. I would've loved to travel from here through the States and then there.
I feel like... Sighs. I feel like I repeat myself too much. I am in a type of prison. Nothing new about that.
I believe my mother and others in my family are secretly happy to see me like this. I realize this is a grim thing to say and they would deny it, but I'm pretty sure I was marked from birth to either rise to great heights or to fall like a stone at the bottom of the pond.
Never was taught to really believe in myself or to earn my independence. My ideas of making money were shot down in the early days and neither of my parents cared or supported what I wanted to do.
Imagine if I had been encouraged to move out into my own place before the housing boom? Imagine if I was supported in the idea of buying a home in Saskatchewan to flip it in a year for at least a hundred thousand dollars more?
But no, my parents didn't think any of that was a good idea. Dad never suggested I get my own place, neither did my mother.
I have a lot of resentment towards how I was raised. Being called a "stupid kid" by my father and being smothered into dependency with my mom who thinks she has the best advice for everything including finances and relationships despite being terrible with finances and relationships herself. Didn't save for retirement. Doesn't know how the stock markets work. Broken up with an abusive guy 5 or 6 times and still kept taking him back.
There's so much I can point my finger at and claim myself to be the victim. I can blame this or that and it won't make any difference I suppose.
Now I know.
Should have stuck to my guns and followed my purpose. But then, my ex came along and derailed that.
So many I can blame.
And I look into my past and see why I behaved those ways. I trusted my parents advice, I believed others who thought I was inferior to them and unworthy of respect, I had to deal with figures of authority that thought they were giving me good advice that turned out to be the opposite.
I don't think anyone really loved me in the way that I needed to be.
Such an alien concept to me at times.
Love isn't about buying people anything. It isn't about creating dependency. It's about thoughtfulness and acceptance of someone other than ourselves.
I know I've loved others. Including my ex. Two of them actually.
And I loved Karlee, although I'm unsure if she feels the same towards me at the moment now that we're back to being hundreds of miles away from one another.
I miss my old place.
My mother is now asking me to make her hot chocolate.
I'm so tired of this.
So fucking tired.
Resentment, anger, helplessness, shame and guilt and regret.
I'd love for someone who considers themselves to be strong and spiritual to be placed into my body in this situation to try and navigate their way out of it.
I'd love to see what the results would be.
Here, you get to be in a body with a hearing disability and you'll also be bankrupt with no money living with a woman who hasn't made it past 8th grade in school and thinks she knows what is best.
You'll get to enjoy no privacy, a car that has a constant engine light on and eats up gas that you can hardly afford to buy in case you want to leave the house and you'll be wanting to leave the house frequently because of the bad energy it carries inside.
You'll want to hang yourself, believe me. I bought a rope last year and learned how to tie a noose as I drove around looking for a suitable tree that wasn't next to a major road or a place where someone would stumble across my body.
Maybe it's a good thing I couldn't find a suitable candidate.
I used to be so emotional, so filled with passion and creativity and ideas and I know that's not erased. I know that how I am feeling now has no bearing on what I have to offer the world.
I realize now, stupidly late, that it was intended for me to teach others what I know. Is it too late? Well... No. But that is why I leave helpful comments on social media platforms like Twitter and YouTube and Reddit hoping that my seeds will sprout in the minds of others and accelerate a collective understanding and awakening. I am encouraged by this as things I've said a year or two ago are now appearing in comments.
I said this was a spiritual war in the summer of 2020 when no one else was saying it. Now it's common to hear. People are understanding that this goes deeper than what we are seeing on the surface.
I still chase after certain questions. How did we arrive here? By choice or coercion? Did we volunteer to come here to help humanity elevate itself?
If so, I need to elevate myself first. Shame that is exactly what I knew I had to do a few years ago as I worked to get my finances in order by playing the market.
Pay off my debts, have around 100k in the bank and be ready for the next phase in my life.
Shame that it didn't work out the way I envisioned it to. Shame that all those prayers and research and faith lead me to this. At the bottom of a dark hole.
If I looked at someone objectively in my shoes, I would struggle to find advice on how to proceed. I think I would tell them to complete the bankruptcy, recover their passport and work to save money in order to leave but... they would have to work for a year or two or three before they would have enough to do anything with. And they would have to continue living a low-vibrational existence with their mother at the ripe old age of 45.
I don't think that advice would inspire them.
I think I would tell them to pray often. To try and connect with the divine but I would also know that living in the situation they are in, how hard it would be to sharpen the senses and strengthen a broken spirit that needs healing.
Besides, we have been lied to about our religions as well. Prayer might work but we have to know where to direct it. Not to the Abrahamic "gods" they've given us.
Do we pray to ourselves? I don't know. Sounds kind of self-centered to be honest. I don't know if we are gods even though we are made in the image of them.
Do we pray to "source" and if so, will it respond? Can it respond? Does it actually care enough about this one person calling out for help? Especially when so many others are doing the same and are in equal if not greater need?
I'm not a father who lost his children in an air strike in Gaza. I'm not anyone suffering from a terminal illness. I'm not wheelchair bound and unable to work or contribute. I'm not grossly obese or missing any limbs. I don't have heart issues or Parkinsons or cancer or type one diabetes.
I have one good eye, bad ears and... That's hard enough to deal with on top of everything else.
All I really have is my mind and all the experiences and information that it contains.
All this knowledge and no way of applying it. Do I transmute this negative/low-vibration energy to a higher state like the Kybalion describes? Sure, but that requires living conditions that are within my control. How can one heal when a cut appears every day on the soul? Ignoring all that which troubles me only delays the issue and it continues untreated.
This is really a bad situation.
I'm fortunate not to have kids to look after. Then again, having kids means I at least would have a woman with me. But imagine the shame of it all if I were to go bankrupt while raising a family. Imagine the suffering they would go through.
I'm glad the worst of the damage is contained within myself. Which isn't saying much and makes me feel only marginally better when I think about it.
What's worse is that the perception of others towards my situation is making me smaller in their eyes. I've always been sensitive to the energies of people and whenever someone sees me a certain way, I feel it. When enough people see me as a loser, I feel it.
And it just makes the current that much harder to swim against. Perception becomes reality as they say and if enough people judge someone to be a loser then that person may as well be just that. Even if it isn't true.
Except in my case, it feels like a warranted perception to have.
Imagine if I had pulled it off. Sold those stocks when I wanted to and that perception of others would be, "wow, he is really smart."
And I would not be feeling the shame and guilt that I feel today.
So many people that I can blame for this. Including myself.
Feels like I'm living in a world of Agent Smiths and some of them are in my family. Some were my exes. Some were what I thought was my friends.
No wonder my ex was so curious about where I was going at certain times. So interested in what I was doing but uninterested in bettering myself and loving me the way I was loving her.
I thought love would be reciprocated and that it would change her.
Tough lesson to realize. A snake is always a snake and a scorpion will always be a scorpion no matter how sweet their words are.
Well blog... the sun is going down as I write this and I'm probably going to do the usual thing of getting into my car to sit somewhere with a coffee for a few hours.
Then I'll return to this place once my mother is asleep and I will head into the basement where my head and face itches, light a candle and continue to distract myself with a video or a podcast as I lay there.
There's not much point in being alone with my thoughts these days. I used to love staring out the window and thinking. Didn't need to constantly distract myself.
All I can muster at the moment is five or ten minutes of doing nothing other than closing my eyes and thinking about the life I would want and need. Going over the list of items in my mind that I'm hoping to have and experience.
Which is made ever the more harder given the state that I am in.
I wish I could go back to the way things were. Maybe this was necessary to happen. Maybe there is a greater plan at work.
But I've suffered enough. There is no upward trajectory here.
I want to go on an adventure. I'm ready to be delivered from this. I don't care what a headache it might be to win millions of dollars in the lottery and all the baggage that may come from that.
I'll gladly accept a handout at this point. A lifeline. A second chance.
I understand it now. What needs to be done.
And how important humanity is.
I'd like to help.
My heart belongs to that which serves the good.
Please let it not be crushed under the weight of all this.
Please help it soar.
So that I can help others to do the same.
