I feel so dark today. Coming "home" after being outside for hours, I walk inside to hear my mother talking loudly on the phone in Polish. "Oh, my sunshine is home!" announcing it over the phone to whoever was talking making me feel...
Feel like I'm living with a lunatic in a lunatic townhouse in a lunatic city.
NO PRIVACY. NO SACRED SPACE.
NO REASON FOR BEING HERE.
I'm so tired of all this. So tired of repeating myself too saying how tired I am all the time.
How can I build myself up from here? In this pit? This trap? This frequency prison?
Living with someone who has such a dissonant frequency compared to my own. Someone who thinks all is well in the world and got her two shots and supported Ukraine and didn't take me seriously two years ago when I warned about what was coming as food prices rise and she wouldn't listen to my advice or would consider moving in with me in the Fort which I shouldn't have left and...
I am SO TIRED OF ALL THIS.
My mind goes back to the bank account I had two years ago. 200k in uncashed stocks and I remember exactly where I was when it happened. Praising God for the good fortune to reach this point. Loving myself, loving life, enjoying conversing with other people and enjoying having my sacred space.
THIS HAS TO STOP.
THIS MADNESS NEEDS TO END.
And I keep feeling like I'm being punished for the faith that I had back then. This really messes with my belief system. If I had been connected to God or the spirit back then, why was this allowed to happen? Why?
I did not ask for this.
My chest feels like it wants to purge out this death of a thousand paper cuts that I am experiencing on a daily basis. Every time my mother is noisy in the kitchen next to me or walking on the creaky floors while I am sleeping. Every time I find her white hairs on the bathroom towel that I use to dry my hands so I can take my contacts out and having to double and triple check that none of it is going into my eyes. Those dirty utensils. Her cooking food for me and making the decision on what I should eat. Putting me on a guilt trip if I'm not wanting any of it. Dirty fridge handles. Dirty handles on the kitchen cabinets.
Oh, God. Why have you forsaken me?
What must I do to return to your good graces?
I refuse to "fight" and swallow all this and accept responsibility for how it turned out because I know I have been under spiritual attack multiple times in my life and I did not understand what it was and mistakenly thought it was protected against because of my faith.
I now realize there are spiritual parasites out there. I realize there are human parasites also, like my ex who sought to win my trust despite her not having any kind of moral foundation or shared values. She didn't pray. She hated Christianity it almost seems, which understandably made sense since her Nigerian father would often force her and her sister to read Bible passages along with him.
Every day I keep listening to videos looking for that missing piece of the puzzle. The piece that fits and clicks and makes me go, "ah ha!" and this reality suddenly starts to make sense as well as my place in it.
There is no worse feeling than having prepared for an upheaval and suddenly everything is gone.
Few people will understand this. Imagine having a home that you were happy with, stocked with food and equipment and everything you would need and then one day it all burns down, insurance won't cover it and I'm forced to move in with my mother.
My... dissonant mother.
I can only love her at a distance and everyday with her is wearing me down. Bit by bit by bit by bit.
I've read books on the occult. Magic. The Kybalion, and much of the teachings is about transmutation of energy and moods. Going from sad to happy.
I can't transmute any of this. Not where I live. Caught in this loop of the same thing every single day.
Every. Single. Day.
What am I to do other than waste away? If I got a job tomorrow, I'm going to be miserable at it. I'm going to be miserable driving home after work to go through this crap with my mother.
I can't... find a dream worth aiming for other than the fantasies in my head of winning the lottery.
Manifestation techniques say we have to "feel" and "act" as if our vision is already realized and I can't help but think about my ex who constantly chased after money and having a Landrover to the point where she taped a picture of it on her steering wheel to keep her reminded.
It's not enough to visualize the outcome is it? The several times I've had things manifest for me sometimes seemed within my control and other times outside of it. The world was magical during those times. Probably because my consciousness was elevated enough to welcome such events into my life.
Are there angels? Spirit guides? There certainly are parasites out there so where is the opposite?
Where are the good guys?
Am I the "good" guy?
This trips me up because I don't know if I can fully believe that I am God but at the same time I've seen people who aren't Christian or religious seem to get good things happen to them because they had that sense of being Gods themselves. Masters of their reality.
Is it a switch I have to flip?
Even if I could start to believe it, I'm going to get drained out anyways living in the situation I am in.
Can't build myself up this way. Storing my prana. Getting stronger every day. Mentally, physically and spiritually.
I need help. Not the kind where I go talk to some therapist but help of the spiritual kind.
I can't keep this up for much longer.
In my mind I have so much information inside that I'm sure somewhere in there is the solution.
I don't know what it is.
Other than a miracle that goes against great odds.
Which is why a multi-million dollar lottery jackpot seems to be the only path to get myself out from this mess. Sometimes its soothing to think about. After paying my debts, the first thing I would do is buy a house outside of town and get the heck out of here. Restore my passports. Purchase a newer vehicle and start the work that needs to be done.
Should that happen, I know I will have a purpose that will be fulfilled. I now have the understanding of what to avoid and what to appreciate and how to protect myself.
There is no point to any of this if something like that doesn't happen.
I watched a video earlier about how Jesus was made-up and simply represented the "sun" which dies every night to resurrect itself each morning. The "light of the world" the "morning star" and the Apostles were actually representations of the Zodiac calender.
I don't know what to believe, but communing with Christ is on my bucket list. I want that connection to confirm my beliefs. My faith, and know that such a spirit exists and is enlightened and wise and caring and compassionate.
It is so sad that many of us do not know for sure whether our beliefs are rooted in Truth and I have been chasing after it for most of my life.
I'm so tired.
Please give me a sign. Anything. I also will need more than that.
I need deliverance.
Renewal.
A miracle.
I want to see Karlee again someday.
I want to see a koala bear. A dolphin. A sloth.
But if it all ended tomorrow, I don't think I would complain because I don't see any way of moving forward other for a miracle to happen. Intervention.
And I want to fight against this evil that has infiltrated and contaminated our planet. Our minds. Our hearts and souls. Controlling us at every level.
We are definitely going through a reset. They happen multiple times throughout history. They're engineered.
They happen like clockwork.
I want to fight for us. For myself.
But I need that sign. The signal. A miracle.
And I need it now.
So mote it be.
