Karlee replied to my email. It wasn't much. A thank you for the video and a how are you doing question.
I wrote a decent amount back. Mentioned the mild weather we were having, described what I was up to with writing and asked how she was doing herself.
Even though I wrote that big post earlier, it feels like there's still something in me that needs to be expressed and explored.
Maybe another factor is that I'm tired of staring at my phone watching videos and listening to podcasts.
And there's really nothing else to do here.
Actually... Mmm. Maybe not. I had considered dressing up warmly enough to go for a walk in the dark at the ravine nearby. But given that there are now homeless people living in these areas, I don't want to disturb them or have to engage with the police in case they are monitoring the area which they sometimes do.
I really would like my own acreage. Close by crown land. A few trails of my own where I could walk naked down the path at night and not worry about anyone being around.
Imagine if I had a girlfriend who thought the same. Night time walks in the nude in our bare feat and a starry unpolluted sky. Perhaps some shenanigans between us.
My ex wasn't that adventurous. I don't think I ever had a girlfriend who would consider doing such a thing.
Actually, my ex did do one adventurous thing with me when I paddled to an isolated island and we spent the day there laying nude in the sun. That was nice. A few bugs and thorns but it was overall a good experience.
Not that I think about my ex much because she... really did distract me from my purpose and wasn't compatible with my dreams or my values. That's the person who signed her emails with female pronouns in case people were confused about what gender she identifies as. Ridiculous.
Karlee comes the closest to honoring my values and sharing similar dreams.
But like the other two women I most had a crush on in my life, she's married.
I find it interesting that 5 married women approached me. Karlee, Fola, Melanie, Barbara and Tina.
Two of them had husbands that gave them the green-light to be with me. The rest did not.
And the other single girls I've been with didn't have the level of chemistry I hoped to find in a mate for life.
Shame how everything has turned out. I still remember the first time I saw Tina in 1997. She stood in a doorway and was radiant. I was immediately smitten. Too bad she had a boyfriend she married a year later.
A boyfriend who became her husband and tried to initiate a threesome with me about 12 years later.
It's so stupid. I know Tina and I are magnetic together. I remember a year and a half ago as I was sitting in my car at a park near Fort Saskatchewan, I noticed a blond woman walking to the river. Couldn't see her face but I thought "wow, she's special"
She turned around and it was her. Tina.
I didn't get out of my car to go say hi because her husband Jeff soon walked up.
I still remember our email conversations shortly after I turned down the first attempt at a threesome. I asked her why she got married so young. She said she married her best friend.
I then said that maybe she shouldn't have married a friend.
I don't know how it all works. Should friendship be the basis for a good relationship? You would think so. But if it is without passion, that is how threesomes and swinging and open relationships happen.
Then again, passion dies down after a period of time doesn't it? I wouldn't know. My longest relationship ever was about three and a half years.
And the passion sure died down on that one.
I of course can blame a number of reasons for that. Including the incompatible values. The taking and not giving.
I also am aware of how important it was to keep my energy field intact. To not be leeched off. She was attracted to me like a moth to a flame and when I gave her that light of mine, the flame began to dim as it wasn't being replenished.
Kind of like how I am feeling now. A dead flame.
And what nurtured it was loving myself, which I no longer can do given this situation I am in.
I need to talk about something else other than myself... I know I started this post with the intention of exploring deeper philosophical and spiritual ideas.
The idea of energy. Let's go with that.
Loving myself made me magnetic. It made me more in tune with my soul. This is why prior to meeting someone special, I have this warmth appear in my chest. Not always. But mostly.
The warmth appears to be an activated heart chakra. I hesitate to call it a chakra but that is pretty much what it is. A whirling field of energy that can either be contained or expressed.
I'll never forget the one time my cousin and I went to Home Depot and my heart chakra exploded. There was such a heat coming out from it. Even my cousin who didn't know what it was caused by said "oh my god" at one point. I didn't ask him what he was reacting towards because I already knew what it was.
And the time when my crown chakra exploded. I'll never forget that either. Living with my mother and my stepdad in my early 20s, I could feel heat streaming out the top of my head as I stared in the bathroom mirror wondering what was going on.
Then, I'll never forget the time my root chakra exploded. Standing in my bedroom I was suddenly overcome with a feeling of lust. For no reason whatsoever. No triggers or anything I could identify. I thought it might have been a spirit or something that entered my body.
I can't figure out why those events happened.
But it was all about energy. Oh yeah, and my throat chakra... It was at the point where I forcefully expressed myself without hesitation. Like one of those videos of black women you see who are pissed off at someone and are ranting at them non-stop.
So these are localized energy fields with varying effects. Root chakra makes you sexual, heart chakra makes you compassionate and affectionate, crown chakra makes you psychic and tune into a higher reality.
And for some reason, there are New Age types that claim to be able to do chakra removal. Saying that these fields are manipulated externally by malevolent beings.
When I think about that, I can't help but wonder if they are correct.
So... if it was an external entity, why would it send such a massive amount of energy to me in a localized spot of my body? Like, why in Home Depot of all places? With my cousin?
Why alone in my bedroom without a girl nearby? Or thoughts of one?
Why in front of my bathroom mirror while living with my parents?
There doesn't seem to be rhyme or reason to any of it. If it was intentionally delivered, it didn't produce any kind of outcome that I can think of. I didn't use those energies for a specific purpose.
But... When I felt it prior to meeting Lauren or Fola... My heart chakra seemed to draw them in.
That is why I wonder if having those activated fields can be sensed at a distance.
I do remember feeling a bit of it prior to my meeting Karlee.
But are these... caused externally or internally or was something out of whack?
And what purpose do they serve? There is no reason for me to feel a sudden warmth in my chest while I'm sitting in the car having coffee with no one around. What do I do with it? What does that indicate? Was someone sending me good vibes? Did a spirit enter? Is the flow of energy imbalanced in my system that it swells and pools into a localized part of my body?
Maybe it's really that. Uncontrolled energy localizing itself in a particular region. Energy blockages that route energy into a different spot. I don't think I've ever felt more than one chakra activated at a time.
And I don't think I know of anyone else who has had those experiences happen to them.
I remember my ex showing up at the door once and my heart chakra "pinged" out of hesitation when I saw her. We had broken up and I thought we were done. Seeing her again made it twitch enough that she commented with a smile. "Ooh, I felt that."
I'm not sure why I am bringing all this up for. Energy.
Everything is energy, right? Knocking my hand on the coffee table, that thing is made up of energy slowed down to dense matter.
Attracting people is energy being sensed from afar.
Finding specific and special items in thrift shops? I'm sensing their energy at a distance and I'm drawn to them.
It's very curious to think about. What are the practical applications? How is mastery of these forces achieved? Can I not activate my heart chakra at any time? My crown? My root?
It hasn't happened yet as far as I am aware.
But I do know that energy can be given and taken away. I know that it can be aroused by emotions. Loosh, as they say.
Hence why my ex was so good at getting me angry when I was normally calm and controlled. She benefitted from the loosh. I'll never forget when I got upset with her over the phone for some drama she incited and at the end of the conversation she said she wanted to fuck me.
I rolled my eyes at the time. Burning with anger, I didn't want to see or hear from her again then she says something like that.
So I knew what I was saying was justified. I stood up for myself.
And she got what she wanted.
It kind of reminds me of growing cannabis plants. They are most potent when they are sexually aroused. I know how strange that sounds but it is true. I can't remember the specifics of how it was described when I read this particular fact but generally these plants desire to mate and so their level of arousal when artificially induced causes them to bloom earlier and with more potency.
Plants apparently have emotions. Sending them an intense "I love you" produces "loosh" as potent as saying "I hate you" to them. It registers on polygraphs.
So what happens when one is lukewarm. No potency. No loosh.
Be spit out of thy mouth, as the Lord had said in Revelation.
Passion for hatred or passion for love. You can't be equanimitious.
Else we aren't potent.
There must be something to all this. I don't know how to zero in on what kind of practical information I'd be able to extract and use to better myself with.
I know cats respond to focused attention and energy. They end up purring when delivered correctly.
Just like humans. Just like the Gods, I'm sure.
We all want to feel good. To have someone make us feel good. Some people feel good when they give, others feel good when they get.
It hasn't been my experience to really give when I got. Or to receive when I give.
Very interesting dynamic at play.
When I give a lot, I get drained and it doesn't get reciprocated.
When I receive a lot, I take it for granted at times.
So what do I prefer? I prefer both. I want to give and to receive but...
Mmm. I think I've learned something valuable about myself in writing all this.
I sometimes push away receiving when I want to give. I sometimes don't want to give when I am receiving.
Shouldn't there be a balance or is this dynamic set in stone? If a giver-personality meets a taker, shouldn't it go both ways? Replenish the giver? The taker is already getting rewarded.
I don't know if I like to have this consciously on my mind. Watching myself if I give too much or too little and working with the ratios to keep it all balanced.
There are times when I really do need to be given towards and I don't get it. There are times when I want to give but cannot enjoy receiving if I do.
Strange way of being. Do or do not, there is no try.
So what am I exactly? I've seen myself in both positions.
I am both a giver and a taker.
I don't know if I met very many people who are the same. They seem wired to be one or the other.
And it's hard to know at times when to give and when to take.
Karlee just wrote back. There wasn't much in the email other than her feeling more optimistic these days. That's good.
Anyways...
People are drawn to energy. I've been drawn to people and to objects the same way.
But... how does it work with something like the lottery?
The law of attraction does work when it is directed correctly.
Yet...
Can one become a millionaire by wishing for it? By envisioning it?
I'm torn about that. At the same time, I know it is possible. The question really is, is it probable?
Do I improve my odds of winning the stronger my faith becomes? Of course. I would be more likely to buy a ticket each week. Will I win a jackpot? That is another question altogether.
How many times in my life have I wished for something and received it?
Not very many. My first girlfriend. Possibly that light projector I found. Wanting a "sign" and being directed to a park bench with that very sign of someone is watching written on it.
Everything is energy... including lottery tickets. I wonder if it would be better to buy those scratch tickets instead of playing six of the same numbers each week.
At least I could sense the energy of a winning ticket couldn't I?
I wonder.
If the saying, as above so below is correct then we must also believe that there is a powerful source out there that has understanding and mastery of these principles.
We are baby Gods. There are big Gods.
Some of those big Gods want human sacrifices in exchange for favors.
But...
The good Gods...
I think they would want love.
Love directed at them.
Its scary to think that this might all be a farm and we are the animals being harvested.
Because what does that reduce us to?
It makes sense why there is so much chaos in the world. Why everything is so negative.
Because those beings who are responsible are wanting a feast.
And it begs the question.
Where are the good ones?
Perhaps that is what the Age of Aquarius may bring. Maybe this is the new management that is coming in. The Second Coming. A deity or force that feeds on the opposite of negative energies.
Who knows.
I just know that I have to figure these things out as best as I can.
But even though I understand how to cultivate energy within myself, I cannot do it while living with my mother in financial poverty without a job or an intention of getting one.
Even with a job it won't help.
I need help from above. I welcome it.
I am ready to receive.
