It's been another tough day.
I made my mother upset again without meaning to. When she saw me come home and sat next to me on the couch asking me what was wrong because of how obviously sad I was feeling, I couldn't answer her.
We've had this conversation before and it either ends up with her getting upset or giving advice that I felt was not coming from a thoughtful place.
Look, I'm sad because of the situation I am in. Living with my mother. Living in this city. Telling her this results in "oh, once you get a job and save up enough money you can get yourself an apartment for $800 a month and look after yourself."
Really? $800 a month? My mother has no idea of what the prices are like right now. $1,260 a month is considered the average in this city.
And what kind of job am I going to be working to afford that? Assuming if I can even get a decent job.
Let's say I get a decent job that pays $2,100 a month take home. With cell phone, internet, utilities and food and gas and insurance...
It is not going to cut it.
Assuming I can even get an apartment with how decimated my credit rating now is.
And I sure as hell don't want to be working and living in this city.
But aside from that, I didn't tell her this was what was making me sad.
Living with my mother is like hearing two radio stations playing at once. My station is tuned to wanting a clean orderly environment that is peaceful and inspiring to be in and this isn't it.
There's no reason for my being here. None that I can think of anyways.
I look at so many news sources pushing doom and gloom with high prices for everything, stagnant wages, unchecked immigration, solar flares, poles shifts, volcanoes erupting, magnetosphere weakening, internet censorship, inflation, voting fraud, justice not being applied and enforced equally and so on and so forth.
No reason for any of us humans to be here either in this kind of system.
History shows that everything comes in cycles. A big catastrophe gets followed by a rebuilding phase, temporary prosperity and it follows the same trajectory towards another event for it all to start again.
Except this time, most of humanity is going to be under the boot. If this was Germany in the 1930s before WWII started, people had the option of leaving to go elsewhere. My dad left the Czech Republic when the Russians came. My mom left the poverty of Poland to go someplace where she could be wealthy.
Now? Not many options other than perhaps Mexico, Latin America, Africa and Russia of all places.
Even then, there are no guarantees that those places will be left untouched from all that is going on at the moment.
Unlike how it was with my parents, they were white and settled in a white country. With the exception of Russia and certain rich areas where expats live in gated communities, being a foreigner is going to be difficult and easier to be taken advantage of.
Sometimes I feel like giving up or have already made the decision to give up but don't want to admit it out loud.
Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for that one big collapse that I don't think is going to happen all at once. It will be more like a creeping forward. A slow boil.
The pot is already being boiled. Most people don't notice it.
And the ones that don't notice it, several of them are quite happy in their ignorance.
It's not ok to be ok with what is going on.
At the same time, there is not a lot we can do about it either. Collectively. Protesting doesn't work. Writing letters to elected officials won't work. Voting doesn't work either as we swap out one liar for another and even if we elected an honest politician, they can't last against the millions of dollars and resources lobbyists/corporations and the media companies that are under their control.
Maybe on the local level some difference can be made politically but still, you would be subservient to the level above where funding comes from. If you don't do what the powers above you want done, they can hurt a mayor or school board by withdrawing funds.
Professors and teachers going against this can lose tenure, their jobs.
I don't know. More and more it seems like isolation is the solution. Decentralized communities. Look after one another with likeminded folks who are resourceful and prepared against the storm to come.
The storm that already has arrived.
I'd like to see Karlee again. Surprise her on the beach with a big smile. Pay her legal fees. Maybe purchase a house for her and her kids. She won't be able to leave Australia but at least she won't have to worry about keeping a roof over her head or money.
My cousins. Jessie and Marek both need similar help. I can't imagine how Marek is right now. Living with his dad for over ten years, alone, without a job or a car or much if any money left from the lawsuit he won for the car accident we were in.
Everything is falling apart. Canadian culture is gone. Whites are in the minority of the people I've been seeing in Edmonton.
All by design of course. Same with those crossing the borders in Europe and across America.
So this is the end of the world. Absolutely it is. Looking outside may not reveal anything much but the old world is gone from how it used to be.
This is why I don't see the point of it anymore. Not for myself but for future generations. Kids who don't know what life was like before the internet. Before how censored and controlled it now is. How good the movies were and being able to watch them at a drive-through. How simple it was to come home and check the answering machine for missed calls. To read books and comics that were inspiring and without an agenda attached. To live in a world where the human imagination was celebrated and appreciated through all of which it was able to create. The music. The variety of music that isn't rap and hip-hop and R&B performed by half-assed entertainers who literally have their asses hanging out or sing/mumble about getting laid and money and guns.
Rock music has long been destroyed. Not going to see a song like Barbie Girl by Aqua anymore these days. No Mr. Rogers on the television for the kids. Everything is now "racist" with commercials featuring black people in predominantly white places like Australia and having everyone feel like they need to make up for their imagined oppression of other races. Even though Eddie Murphy, Tina Turner and athletes like Mike Tyson were all appreciated and big stars in their time.
It's a psychological and spiritual war that I think we're all losing.
A war against the human spirit. The mind. The soul.
In that kind of situation, a useful weapon would be the Catholic church which unites people of a singular belief to stand up against such nonsense such as drag queens in our schools.
Except that institution has been hijacked. Just like all the other ones.
There is nothing sacred it seems these days. Not marriage. Not sex. Not religion. Patriotism is not allowed or being encouraged in schools.
Everyone hates their country now. Nothing to be proud about. Men are competing against women in sporting competitions and are making a mockery of women's achievements.
Children are being taught about sex at a disturbingly young age and given books with graphic images and descriptions of sodomy.
What is there to look forward to these days? The collapse of western civilization? That's not a good thing.
I look at my life and grieve daily. I am in the worst of situations. I'm at the front of the firing-squad.
My heart is so heavy that I do my best to ignore it at times.
Thinking about the what-ifs and should've/could've'would'ves.
Despite knowing that I planned for all this. Expecting it to happen the way it is and hoping to get myself out of the country before it got any worse.
Now I'm inside of the building that is burning and I can't seem to leave.
Trapped in here with everyone else.
Everyone else who thinks its all fine. There's no fire. No need to do anything about it. If there was a fire the fire department will come to the rescue.
Ain't nothing coming to our rescue.
Even Trump and Poilievre are both placed into their position and subservient to the order-givers above them.
"When the public needs a hero, it will be us that will provide them with him."
I am paraphrasing the quote. Let's see if I can find the accurate one.
Ah, here it is.
