Oneness

 I really can't be here for much longer. I can't grow in this environment.

There is no indication of anything getting better. The news is bleak. Interest rates are rising and as I predicted a few years back, people who are refinancing their mortgages are going to foreclosure and sell their properties causing a housing crash.

Not just in Canada but in all Western countries.

I feel terrible looking at all this happen the way I expected it to.

I feel even worse knowing that I lost my home. 

Lost just about everything.

Including hope.

This has been such a cruel life for me. Since I was a teenager, I remember laying in bed wanting to meet my first girlfriend. Imagined her and I walking on a beach holding hands and smiling. 

Since then was wrong girl after wrong girl after wrong girl. 

The right one never seemed to come. It was easy to begin blaming myself because I was the common denominator of it all but if people saw what I was getting on the dating apps, they would understand how hard it is to find a decent girl who is someone I find attractive and have good chemistry with. Shared values and goals.

It's what I've wanted for decades. Never did find her. Karlee comes close but... she's separated, with two kids and living in a country far far away from me. A country that appears impossible to be living in with housing prices in the millions of dollars at the moment. $60,000+ for a new car. $800 just for registration.

I don't want to even think about how much insurance, utilities, food and everything else costs.

This is a sinking ship we are on, 

And my life was not one that I am proud of for having. I feel betrayed by the spiritual forces that I thought were protecting and guiding me. I know they exist. I just don't know if any were good to begin with. 

You would think having the right girl in my life would've helped me realize my potential earlier. To not waste so much time and energy in all the dates I've been on and the relationships I settled for that didn't feel reciprocal or right for me.

Didn't get to finish writing a book. One of the things I most wanted to do. It doesn't matter anymore anyways. People aren't buying books. Too hard to pay attention to them.

And I wasted three years with my ex who didn't care in the least about my dreams about being a writer, living on an acreage or having a dog. 

So what is the point of all this? Winter is approaching and I can't keep sitting in my car for hours at a time because I don't want to be at home where my mother frequently interrupts, says the most... shallow and superficial things ("I bought a bun today!") and is careless about being clean and organized and a number of other things that cuts deep into my soul.

I can't spend every day buried in my phone. Putting energy into that black slab in my hands. But what else can I do? In my old place I could shovel snow, clean the house, rake the leaves, lay in bed listening to music, take a bath, organize, cook, buy groceries, read a book without interruption, go for a walk and talk to the neighbors, have a girl over. Play Star Wars battlefront, watch movies.

Now, none of these things.

All I can do is sit on a couch and look at the black slab in my hands. Hearing my mother yawn loudly from downstairs and having her often come down looking for food and making loud noises in the kitchen and...

I can't keep complaining about her. She is who she is and I have no privacy and that's that.

What a mistake it was to live with her. What a mistake it was not to set that alarm on the day I planned to sell those stocks.

Now, I don't have anything in my life that gives me joy. The future does not look good for me or good for humanity in general.

What is going to happen if immigration continues? I checked and now they're talking about bringing 500,000 Palestinians over. The Mexican border continues to let in tens of thousands of migrants every month, Europe is getting migrants, even Australia is letting in migrants despite the impossible cost of living in the country. 

I already know they're all being subsidized by our tax dollars. Driving around in new cars and wearing new clothes and living in homes all paid for by the government. 

It's obvious we are at war and it hurts that I prepared for it to happen but now I am left with nothing. 

No protection. No finances. A family that continues to be asleep and ignorant to it all.

Just left with nothing.

Nothing but my mother's cat Princess and my mother.

Princess is about the only thing that gives me joy these days. I look at her sometimes and wish she would have lived with me in my old place where she could run around in the backyard and enjoy the grass and the bugs and birds that sometimes visited.

I feel so sad. Earlier today sitting in my car I took ten minutes to call out for spiritual assistance. From whatever is listening and willing to help.

I am calling again, as I write this. Hoping these words somehow get to where they need to go.

Yes, there are millions of needy people out there that are suffering. Some are worse off than I am.

But that doesn't mean I should be ignored.

Not when I have believed for so long in a higher power. I still do, but... 

It feels like it has betrayed me. It lead me up to the path of financial security with all that work and effort and research I put into the stocks I bought and then it pulled the rug away at the last most pivotal moment when I wanted to stop getting involved.

Almost made it. Almost.

But almost is not good enough.

I am thinking of people like Jay Z right now who grew up impoverished and wanted money so badly. Wanted to be rich to the point where he sold cocaine and stabbed people. Somehow he developed a gift for rapping and... manifested his destiny. I don't respect him for his morals and views on life but I have to say, he did manage to get what he wanted.

So did Tom Macdonald. A better example. He was broke and one day the words to "Dear Rappers" came into his mind which launched his career. He admitted to praying to a higher power and gives it due credit.

But... both of these men are rappers. I am not a rapper. I can't make money writing. Well, maybe I can but I don't have the energy and creativity these days to pull off a book. Let alone getting it published and having it sell well enough to live off of.

Howdie Mickoski wrote a great book and promoted it heavily but even he didn't make a lot of money off of it. I would guess he made less than $120,000.

Creative expression is rarely appreciated and rewarded in this world. I know of several examples of people who deserve to be more successful than they are.

So yeah... the gift of writing that I have... well, it was an appreciated gift at the time but look at where I am now with it.

I could not publish "Conversations with Jesus" that I wrote in 2013 in 4 days of stream of consciousness. The first chapter was amazing. The rest not so much. I also did not want to lie or mislead people in the way Neale Donald Walsch did. I also was intimidated by editing so many pages. Being a perfectionist with my work is somewhat of a curse.

So... What now? I do have a gift of sorts. I know my mind is capable of wonderful things. I have an excellent memory. I seem to be able to put people at ease. I enjoy helping to expand the consciousness of others through a book or music or movie recommendation. 

I have consumed so much media in my life. I love what humanity has produced prior to around 2004.

9/11 sent our society into the gutter. Greed and control by a select few has sent culture into the gutter.

Now we have committee manufactured propaganda pieces and no real voices that challenge the status quo. No more punk rock. No more comedians who really rock the boat and speak out like Hicks and Carlin did.

Our society is degrading. No more good movies. Every movie has an agenda of sorts. Strong independent women beating up men, overt sex and nudity and violence. No adherence to Christian values. No sense of imagination or the ability to inspire wonder and curiosity the way movies in the 80s did. 

I realize there has been anomalies within the last decade but not many.

So... what is the point of living into such a grey and bleak future for humanity?

Why bother? I know what is going to happen. Even the best possible outcome I can imagine is still challenging and will not involve a reversal or a renaissance of any kind.

The solution really is to get out of Western countries, which I had prepared for but can no longer afford to do.

There was no point to getting my second passport that I later lost, was there?

There was no point to preparing as well as I did. Buying a six-stage water filter for my tap only to lose that and all of my home improvements once the house was sold.

All that effort for NOTHING.

There are those in the New Age community that likes to say that "everything happens for a reason" and that we choose to incarnate on this planet to "learn lessons".

I don't think I'm going to comment about how absurd those beliefs are.

But I did learn some lessons alright.

Learned not to be able to trust myself. To trust God. To not trust women and throw pearls before swine. To not trust my instincts. To not allow myself to be influenced by people like my parents or other relatives who haven't a clue what the world is really like. No idea about finances but gives financial advice. Not encouraging me to find my own way. Not really BELIEVING in me.

Sure, I'm grateful for my mother in buying the house that I lived in but I could have done it myself earlier instead of her wanting to keep me in her basement for most of my 20s.

Neither of my parents encouraged independence. 

Anyways...

It wasn't much of a life. I had a decent childhood even though I was bullied. My teens weren't that great. My 20s were confusing as I didn't know what to do with myself and what direction to go in.

There's a lot of people I can point the fingers at and blame for how I turned out this way. 

I know that from my perspective, I would've done more for my children. Not just help them in buying a home like my mother did in 2009 after I finally had enough living with her and my abusive stepdad but I would've... helped prepare my children for the world.

To get them to believe in themselves.

Not the opposite, which is what my parents did.

I'm sorry mom, but you didn't make me feel loved.

It felt strange at times how you behaved. It still does.

I know love should come with a feeling of warmth. Of emotional closeness. Of empathy.

I think most of the time my mother has no idea what I'm feeling and is incapable of having a conversation with substance. 

My father... well, he shut himself off emotionally from me a long while ago. I still remember him saying "stupid kid" when I couldn't figure out how to do fractions in 4th grade.

"Stupid kid."

That about sums up what he probably thought of me since then.

Ironically I can now easily do fractions in my mind thanks to working in construction for so long.

Karlee once asked me if I had the choice to go back in time and do it all over again, I would say yes. But only if I knew then what I know now.

I love engaging in this fantasy. I'd have been filming the Pentagon from multiple angles on 9/11 to capture footage of what really hit the building. I would've bought stock in Google and Amazon and Apple. I would've bought a house before 2006 when it started to double in value. I would've bought Bitcoin at $1. I would've travelled to Australia and buy a house, meet Karlee before she got married, maybe have children with her. 

Moved to Mexico. Retired early. Get involved with Berwick.

Own a dog. Maybe two.

Most importantly, I would warn people about what was coming. Prepare them to weather the storm.

Those years would crawl by if I knew then what I know now but it would be with Karlee and our life together would have been an amazing experience.

I would've liked to have been a dad. To be a 45 year old man in the body of a 28 year old. Wise beyond my years. Already knowing about how to prepare my children for the world to come.

To mitigate this disaster.

I would've invested in decentralized communication with all of that money. Released it for free. Explore other ideas that would help humanity and release that at the most affordable price I could manage while remaining anonymous.

Imagine if I could go back in time and invent Monero in 2009 to be an immediate competitor to Bitcoin. I'd have found the creator and swear him to secrecy as we develop it.

I could go and warn John McAfee before he was killed.

I could have set up a decentralized community complete with self-sufficient homes. Invited in all the bright creative types to live there for free however long they'd want.

So many possibilities. So yes, I would travel back 25 years to do it all over again., I would have that confidence in my mind. Every day would be a pleasure to experience knowing what was going to happen ahead of time.

But, that is not the option I have right now.

Right now the reality is that I'm stuck. Frozen into place with no options than to suffer. Suffer the shame of regret, suffer the process of bankruptcy, suffer the behavior of my mother and this place I'm living in where neighbors on the balcony outside gets to watch me smoke.

Smoking and my cell phone is about all I have that sustains me.

Everything else is gone and feels hollow.

There is no point to dreaming about finding the right girl now. Though I think I may have found her, there's no chance I'd be able to live in Australia with her and her two kids.

Neither of us are millionaires.

She's not divorced and can't afford to get one either. Not without serious consequences.

So...

I write all this in the hope that something... responds. I believe we are all connected. I believe there is a higher power or something that resembles a simulation in this place that can be manipulated or bent to one's whims.

Despite all that I have read and learned over the years, I've yet to crack the code. I've been given confirmation that manifestation is real, spiritual entities do exist and that one can be maneuvered into a particular outcome. 

I can't go on like this.

I'm holding on because I want to believe that miracles are possible and I know they are. I've experienced several strange events and interventions in my life.

I'm holding on because I want to believe.

And I want my life to mean something. To not have been wasted.

Even though it feels like it has been.

I'm so tired that I have trouble finding reason to care anymore. Most of my day is spent in a disassociative trance. Most of the time I'm feeling numb about it all.

And I know that who I truly am inside is a beautiful human being. 

Which is covered right now by layers of shit and trauma and regret.

The New Age types would say, "now's the time to heal your traumas and work on yourself!"

Yeah, good luck working with this situation I am in,

Even if I healed it all tonight, I would still not be in a good situation. 

Try getting ahead in life when you're bankrupt and credit is reduced to nothing. With no income. With a hearing disability.

I am not going to insulate ever again. Despite it paying $44 an hour.

Can't relate to most people these days. I knew while I was playing the stock market that this was my one and only shot at transitioning into the next phase of my life.

Instead, I blew it. 

Did so well initially, but blew it at the final stretch.

Like finishing in last place because I tripped on a twig during the 400m relay where I was ahead of everyone else mere feet away from the finish line.

I'm pretty tired of all this.

What is the point?

I don't even know what God is anymore. Lately I think I have figured out a few things but it certainly does not seem to be the one the Old Testament or the Qu'ran describes.

They say that Satan is the ruler of hell.

And that is why the following verse makes a lot of sense:

2 Corithians 4:4

"Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe. They are unable to see the glorious light of the Good News. They don’t understand this message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God."

Is this world hell?

Sure seems like it.

I also know this, from the Gospel of Thomas:

"Jesus said: He who seeks, let him not cease seeking until he finds; and when he finds he will be troubled, and when he is troubled he will be amazed, and he will reign over the All."

I am ready to reign over the All.

Bring it.

I'll be your Neo. Your Christ. Your Messiah.

Whatever you need me to be.

I've nothing left to offer.

Other than myself.

It's time for an adventure.