Well, I think I've reached that point where I've crammed as much information into my head as I could before reaching the conclusion that no one has the complete picture of anything going on in this world.
I'm fatigued by all this.
About three years of looking at the news each day, watching videos on everything from history, politics, religion, mythology, cataclysms, bloodline families, UFOs, ancient technologies, ghosts, NDEs, crop circles... you name it.
You name it.
It doesn't matter if I read a book like My Big Toe by Tom Campbell. Despite it being over a thousand pages in length and well researched, he doesn't know either. He doesn't have it all figured out.
All it takes are key data points that if they aren't agreed towards by researchers/gurus/intellectuals then a good part of their research becomes flawed and incomplete.
Take Jason of Archaix for example. He proposes every 138 years a "phoenix" event happens and says the last one occurred in 1902 and describes it as a kind of reset. He claims the next one is 2040.
Problem is, he skipped over the 1800s entirely despite the massive amount of evidence I've seen regarding a reset during that timeframe. The early to mid-1800s had fully built cities with hardly anyone living in them. Orphan trains. I mean... where did all the orphans suddenly come from during this time? Why were people ordering babies off of a catalogue? Look at the architecture, hardly possible for the level of education they had at the time with horses and buggies used to construct such grand buildings.
One theory I've come across is that we have already lived through the 1,000 year reign of Christ and are in the small season. This means we are near the end of everything. The chessboard is going to be cleared off and a new one will begin.
So for those expecting a second coming... Well... It's already happened according to this theory. This explains the sophistication of these old buildings. It explains the renaissance period and why so many artists were devoted to Christian paintings and sculpture. It explains why buildings say "founded on" and not "built on" and why some years have a J and not a 1 next to it. Such as J668 which many assumed was supposed to be a 1. But isn't.
Did we lose a thousand years of our history? Did the millennial reign of Christ come and went?
Are we in the final days? The little season?
Think about it. The second coming may have already happened with the resurrection of Christ shortly after the crucifixion. It is said in his words that he will return within a generation.
A generation is really not that long after his death.
Let us assume that this is correct and Satan is out for a "little" season. What is particularly frightening to behold is that the end of the world follows shortly.
Revelation 20:7
"7 When the thousand years are over, Satan will be released from his prison 8 and will go out to deceive the nations in the four corners of the earth—Gog and Magog—and to gather them for battle. In number they are like the sand on the seashore. 9 They marched across the breadth of the earth and surrounded the camp of God’s people, the city he loves. But fire came down from heaven and devoured them. 10 And the devil, who deceived them, was thrown into the lake of burning sulfur, where the beast and the false prophet had been thrown. They will be tormented day and night for ever and ever."
The whole world has been deceived with what happened in 2020. Even before that if you would want to count 9/11 for instance. Certainly now with what is going on in Israel.
But 2020 was the big one.
As I said, it is but a theory. Our history certainly has been messed with and the "dark ages" likely weren't the dark ages at all.
It was during the reign of Christ. Peace and abundance and truth.
I'll be honest about my thinking on all this. I don't know what the truth actually is. I have fragments in my hands and some of the pieces do fit together but when the picture emerges it still is incomplete and needs more information. History when it has been as corrupted and manipulated as ours have been (history is always written by the victors) means we cannot get a full accounting of what actually happened a thousand years ago. Two thousand. Longer.
The burning of the library of Alexandria and the restricted access to the Vatican library tells me that there is so much hidden from us. So much has been lost. Had we been able to access all of this information, we surely would have a much better understanding of where and who we are.
And its particularly bothersome when looking at scripture knowing the extent of the manipulation. The translation errors. The multiple interpretations. Hidden language. Deliberately inserted ideas that did not originate with Yeshua and the overall construction of the book raises more questions than answers at times.
The first gospel took decades to write, so what happened between his death and when the words were first recorded? Are the details exactly as they occurred? Scholars would say that each of the four main books corroborate one another and that is the evidence we need. But there are indications of multiple authors as well as borrowed elements. For instance, the John of Patmos who wrote Revelation did so decades after the death of Yeshua and does not share a similar writing style to the apostle John.
Not only all that, but could any of the apostles read and write in those times? It would be on papyrus scrolls if they could and would be dated much closer to the events of Yeshua's life than to be recorded decades later.
We could assume that perhaps our dating methods are incorrect and these ARE the actual authors of the gospels. That somehow Matthew, Mark, Luke and John were taught to read and write in a time when there was no literacy among the peasant class.
But it doesn't seem likely that they are the actual authors.
The problem with all this is that the New Testament does have truths to it. We know it, we feel it. We don't know if the Sermon on the Mount was recorded verbatim word for word but the resonance of it comes through.
There is... so much we don't know. That is what I am discovering the more I study and look at things.
The most important pieces of the puzzle have been deliberately withheld from us.
If I was constructing a history of humanity, I would be very careful about what to include and allow to propagate. We must also remember that there were no printing presses back then. All such words were recorded by hand and were limited in quantity to distribute. Further still, only the upper-class and well-educated could read or write at all.
Villagers at the time likely could not read or write. Not only that, but there are sections in the New Testament where Yeshua was alone and the story is recorded with no one around to witness what he said or did. That is... important to take notice of.
And the similarities between him and Horus and Krishna are too close to ignore.
Are we looking at a constructed character? A hero designed for the masses?
It is so hard to know without a personal experience with Christ to validate any of what was written so long ago. Experience trumps intellectual knowledge, for once we see with our eyes, hear with our ears and feel with our hearts, our doubts are dispelled.
It is not much different than the moon landing. We are told we landed on the moon and are given a bunch of "proof" that makes little sense. We believe the official version that we are told in the same way we were expected to believe the official version of the 9/11 and Warren Commission reports.
Yes of course, the magic bullet found on the stretcher that was undamaged, somehow killed JFK from multiple angles. Yes of course the buildings that fell at free-fall speeds on 9/11 were the result of burning jet fuel and "pancaking" despite building seven also falling at free-fall speeds and wasn't hit by a plane.
At the very least, we can conclude that an enormous amount of deception has been perpetrated upon the human race and is still going on today.
The question one would ask is WHEN did all this deception start?
The answer is unfortunately, a long long time ago.
When it comes to the word of Yeshua or Mohammed or Moses... We are expected not to ask the big questions and instead rely on faith to cover up the doubts that the logical side of our minds come up with. Do not question why Jesus said to sell our cloak to buy a sword but also said to turn the other cheek and present the other for a good hearty slap. Do not question why it was okay for Mohammed to marry and then consummate a marriage with a prepubescent young girl. Do not wonder why Moses was given instructions on how to sacrifice animals for Yahweh.
Do not ask about the angel Moroni who appeared to Joseph Smith which he turned into Mormonism or where the supposed golden plates are that recorded all of what he's written.
Do not ask why we have more than a thousand religions on this planet, surely we picked the correct one? Everyone but Christians are going to hell?
It is so bothersome at times to deal with all this. I recognize the value in living a virtuous life. To be a person that earns respect and is compassionate towards others and his community. To want the best for everyone and not just himself.
I recognize the value of Buddha who suggested we do away with all material possessions but I then recognize the value these material possessions can have when trying to alleviate poverty or to help one be reminded of beauty in the world.
Imagine if Jesus was the richest man on the planet, he surely would deploy his wealth in ways that would help the greatest amount of people.
Instead, we get Bill Gates who is doing the exact opposite.
And the royal bloodline families who lurk behind the scenes, being the largest landowners and shareholders of corporations like Blackrock and Vanguard.
*they* are allowed to accumulate riches, but not us. We should not have such ambitions to alleviate the sufferings of our fellow man through the suite of options a great amount of wealth would allow us to explore and execute upon.
It is not money that is the problem, it is the love of money.
Sighs.
There is so much to suggest that religions were intended to be control systems. To slap a label onto people to better categorize and discern their temperament with. They are made to feel guilty if they do not abide by the instructions given. To give their wealth away. To be able to pass through the needle along with a camel on their way to heaven because they used their wealth correctly and for good purposes.
Then again, we don't know if that is such a wise idea. It would be better to teach a man how to fish than to give him a fish so he can only eat for a day.
And furthermore, if this is all an illusion, a trap or a game - money would have little value in the long run. The real goal would be to purify ourselves and find a way out from this material existence so that we do not reincarnate and subject ourselves once more to the frailty of our bodies and having to consume other lifeforms to survive.
There is no blessing of having life when one is born deformed or disabled or without functioning pancreas. Blind, deaf, with Down's syndrome. Without intelligence or without heart. NO BLESSING AT ALL.
Yes, we would not have the contrast of poor health vs good health if everyone was born in perfect shape but...
There is no reason for so much suffering in this world unless this really is all a game.
Some players choose to come in here with deformities. These players present opportunities for others to exercise compassion towards. That's one possibility.
But...
As wonderful as life can be with a healthy happy family, the flipside of grueling poverty, abuse and abandonment is a pain that I feel must be limited and not allowed to the degree it has spread throughout human civilization.
It may not be "real" but it's real enough to matter.
It is easy to blame "humanity" for all of our problems but the truth is, we have been manipulated into this situation. The real blame lies on those who have sold their souls and accepted bribes or other benefits in exchange for turning their backs on humanity. The politicians who have blackmail upon them, the money given to get them to agree on certain policies, the same for judges and CEOs and religious leaders. Media personalities.
If this is a game, a test then humanity is not doing very well because of the conditions they are in.
It was never meant for women to compete with men in the workforce. Nobody should be a single mom having to work three jobs to support a child whose father has abandoned. No man should have to go through a painful divorce mistakenly believing the lies of a woman who manipulated him into getting married without intent to keep her sacred oath.
We can blame humanity for a lot of things but the root causes of all this goes to intentional manipulation done by forces unseen.
And it starts in the education system which is a farce. It continues with cultural conditioning done through the media and social activism. Get enough women in a group to complain about how oppressed they are and suddenly a movement sparks up where women want to do what men do. Some of them even look like men, rejecting their femininity and wondering why there aren't any good guys out there interested in providing for them and having children with.
We... ultimately are responsible for our own decisions. Yet, so many of our decisions are the unconscious byproducts of a society that has been manipulated.
Some would say the end began once we lost the fear of God.
Perhaps so. But the fear was irrational to begin with. God did command for murder, animal sacrifices and created floods and diseases and plagues and locusts.
Isiah 45:7
"I form the light and create darkness, I make peace and create calamity; I, the LORD, do all these things.’"
It is very very hard for someone like me to believe without questioning what it is that I am believing in. I seem to have a natural inclination to hold certain beliefs loosely in my mind and not keep a tight grip because I want to stay open to new information that challenges what I've learned.
But the things that I do believe in, I believe in with all of my heart.
You'll never convince me that the truth isn't worth pursuing, that love isn't worth upholding, that beauty is not to be recognized and appreciated.
I'll always believe that compassion, justice and freedom matters and matters a great deal in this world.
And I can see why some would lose sight of these things.
We used to celebrate the prettiest women in the world. On the cover of Sports Illustrated, in-between the pages of Playboy, models on the runway like Cindy Crawford and Claudia Schiffer. Movie stars like Monroe and Monica Belluci.
My dad used to really like Sophia Loren. Excellent choice.
And of course women would complain about being "objectified" when the reality is that a feminine woman who loves and takes care of herself is very attractive to certain men.
The energy is what matters most.
If a woman doesn't want to date a man who is grossly obese, why are men being forced to consider such women attractive or to not judge them on appearances when we are being judged on other equally as superficial metrics?
In society today, we are supposed to celebrate women who are fat and entitled and covered with ugly tattoos with facial piercings just because. It also shouldn't matter if they will sleep with any man who is remotely interested in them because they care so little for themselves while pretending otherwise.
It's now called feminism.
There is something to be said about how the Amish do it. No makeup, long dresses, hair kept under a cover.
The extreme of course, is the burka, which does make a certain amount of sense as a way of keeping men from becoming tempted by the wives of other husbands.
Still though... society has allowed for evil to push its way inside the door. With the toe of its foot, the entire foot, the leg and now it is all the way in. Almost. Pedophilia and sex with animals are still being normalized and legalized in certain places. As abhorrent as that sounds.
We need a new Bible of Man. A universal guidebook for living that does not rely upon fantastical stories to drive its point home. Entertaining ones, sure, but we do not have to present characters that accomplish the impossible. Such as superheroes that can fly and shoot lasers from their eyes while stopping bullets in mid-air.
The legend of Paul Bunyan, the giant who could chop down trees with one swoop of his axe should be kept in the fiction section and not treated as a real person unless there is evidence of his accomplishments.
It is IMPOSSIBLE for man to do what were are told Jesus has done. Well... I did see Criss Angel walk on water once, except there was a transparent platform beneath his feet, so technically that can be done.
But really... I believe Jesus can heal and cast out demons. I'm not so sure about raising corpses from the dead or multiplying fishes and loaves.
I'd love for that to be true.
And I wonder if those events DID happen as described, what the mechanisms were. I can see how Lazarus might've been raised if he was put into an almost-dead state where a certain substance was given to him to present that appearance. But multiplying fishes and loaves? Turn one fish into hundreds? Must have been teeny tiny pieces.
The story of the Buddha resonates more with me at times because it sounds legitimate. Yes, he was a prince and renounced the material world once he first saw suffering and death outside of the palace where he spent his youth in. I can believe something like that. He also abandoned his wife and kids and well... that part is a little hard to reconcile and respect his character for. But I can believe that also. A flawed character is more believable than a perfect and supernatural one.
I do believe in Christ however. I believe it is a spirit, a level of consciousness that Jesus attained. I know it because I have felt it myself. I have felt the intelligent energy within me. I have went from a period of dulled senses to suddenly feeling alive and having heightened senses including psychic capabilities. I know its true. I believe it completely.
And in his days? With no GMO foods, no fluoride in the water, no chemtrails in the sky? One can only imagine the level of consciousness a human being could reach.
I think we need to strip it to the basics. All of this information out there. My God is better than your God and you are believing all the wrong things... well, let's agree on what we believe are the right things and it doesn't have to be any of these prophets or the religions themselves.
Let's agree on what all of humanity deserves to cherish and honor. Let's build that foundation first.
Do we respect life? Then, no murder means no more wars. No more "eye for an eye" in our society. We must also ask ourselves if animals would be included in this equation. Fish seem perfectly fine to consume due to their low level of consciousness but should we eat a chicken? A cow?
Let's be honest about that question. Is it okay to kill a living conscious being if we determine that it is too dumb to feel pain or emotion?
Is it okay to eat unborn fetuses? Can we have scrambled eggs on our plates without feeling remorse? Perhaps.
Then again, we have to ask even harder questions. Why are we consuming life on this planet at all to survive? What kind of world is this when something must die in order for us to live?
And abortions... Not going to get into it.
Anyways... I am rambling.
As I said in the beginning of this post, I've taken in so much information that its hard to discern the truth of this place. What does make sense is that we aren't meant to be here. Only a place like hell would have us consuming other life forms in order to survive. Only hell would want to keep the system going by encouraging us to breed so that there will be more human beings that will also consume life and perpetuate the hellish cycle of this place.
Just about every religion has a story of where we go when we die and it is usually a good place to be when one meets the requirements of entry.
There probably aren't any hamburgers in heaven. It sounds crazy to imagine how much fun a place like that could be without food but that is only because we have limited our imagination to what food is.
The food of the afterlife may not be other life forms at all and could taste like something beyond anything this earth has to offer. Imagine the most delicious chocolate cake with icing and multiply the sensations it produces in your body by ten fold. That's a possibility to consider. Stretch our imagination beyond what our physical bodies are limited by.
This applies to sex also. Maybe the energy exchange in the afterlife is six times better than our best orgasm in the material realm? We don't know but the possibility exists.
And maybe this present existence really is just a video game where we have these unique opportunities to pursue. Eat all you want, have as much sex as you like. What are the consequences? You'll know it because you feel it deep down inside when you do something wrong.
Perhaps that is exactly what Earth is designed to be. A diversion, a vacation, a game.
All temporary. All designed to see who will win. Good or evil? Maybe we are all pawns being moved around?
The freemasons were onto something with those black and white checkered floors. Duality. The name of the game.
And upon our death we may be determined whose side we were on. Who benefited the most from how we played the game. God or the devil? And as the game shuts down a score gets tallied up and a winner determined.
It is said that it doesn't matter who wins or who loses. It's how we play the game.
Except... There are times when I feel disgusted by what I am seeing in the world and don't want to be involved in the game at all.
Because the game appears to extend into death with what I have been reading about Near Death Experiences. It makes sense why people are manipulated into coming back here to reincarnate against their will. They are expected to be pawns of the game until the game is complete.
With that thought in mind, maybe this entire reality is really just a battle between That Which Is and That Which It Is Not.
Positive and negative polarities.
Service to Others and Service to Self.
The problem though, is that I find myself somewhere in the middle.
I want to be in the middle. I don't like to choose a team.
There are bad things about being too good and there are good things about being bad.
Because "bad" is being of service to self. It is a kind of selfishness but we all need to be selfish at times.
Being too "good" means we ignore our own development and needs for the sake of others.
I have experienced both. I was "too good" with others and it lead to suffering and resentment.
Ironically, when I am "bad" and focused on myself, it seems that more women are attracted to me than if I treated them like royalty.
So... I'd rather be in the middle. I want to hold the neutral position.
I favor goodness and ethics of course. Nobody should be forced to do anything against their free will.
Everyone deserves happiness in their lives. Everyone should be honest and upfront about their needs.
Not play manipulative games with others. Not to mislead them. Not to trick them into getting what they want.
I've had successes with this approach. Telling women what I wanted and they appreciated my being honest and were willing to oblige my requests.
At the same time, I have not as much success when I give to women. When I buy them gifts and shower them with attention and make them into an important focus of my life. I enjoy giving but I realize that its not always appreciated and must be calculated at times. Which then can defeat the spontaneity/sincerity of the gift, it seems.
I enjoy sharing my knowledge with others. I like finding cool items and gifts. Making people feel good, appreciated and that they are better for our interaction than they were before.
I'm not perfect. Sometimes I share too much. Sometimes I give too much. Sometimes I'm ignorant about what a person really wants and appreciates.
But... It was so much simpler when we had defined gender roles. Men do this, women do that. End of story.
Problem is, I like cooking and I like decorating my home. I like expressing my vulnerabilities and my deepest thoughts. Those are feminine qualities.
I also like being receptive and using my intuition as well as my intelligence and logic.
So... I'm not exactly a square peg able to fit into a round hole and I'm not much of a round peg either.
No wonder I've had a hard time with finding a good relationship to be in.
I'm more of a chameleon with certain people. My true self adapts itself by amplifying certain qualities and suppressing others.
Anyways... why am I writing so much about myself and women. Talk about a ramble that has gone way off topic.
Guess that's what blogs are for.
It wasn't a great day but I feel better for letting this all out. Writing this down has helped sort my thoughts.
I'd really like to have the spirit of Christ return within me. To guide me to where I must go next.
I can see why it would have abandoned me. I have made mistakes. Stayed with a girl I shouldn't have. Made decisions with emotions instead of reason.
If I'm on the cosmic chessboard, my game piece sometimes goes either way. Black and white. Good and bad. Often both.
Usually always both.
Guess I'm sort of a wild card in all this.
Selfish and selfless. Intelligent to some, dumb to others.
Without discipline and with. Intuitive and logical.
Thoughtful and careless.
With and without empathy.
No wonder I have such a hard time fitting in with this place.
I want to be both.
I seem to be both.
I leave with this excerpt from 1 Corinthians 15
"But if it is preached that Christ has been raised from the dead, how can some of you say that there is no resurrection of the dead? If there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even Christ has been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, our preaching is worthless, and so is your faith. In that case, we are also exposed as false witnesses about God. For we have testified about God that He raised Christ from the dead, but He did not raise Him if in fact the dead are not raised.
For if the dead are not raised, then not even Christ has been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins. Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ have perished. If our hope in Christ is for this life alone, we are to be pitied more than all men."
I believe in Christ.
But I also know that we have been deceived.
The middle is the hardest way to be.
