Last night I went to see Animals As Leaders at the Union Hall with Justin and his brother Seth. Prog-rock / instrumental / metal band. We got there late, and missed the opening act as well as half of the second.
Young crowd, and I was probably the third oldest person there and standing next to a guy in his late 50s wearing a Pink Floyd tshirt who said he waited "three years!" to see this band live.
It was alright. The bass was kind of overpowering the guitar work, which was really awesome to hear since guitars have been regulated to the back burner for most of the last decade. I'm sure I would've liked to listen to their albums instead of live. Not much energy or excitement on the band's part, but they seemed to be having fun on stage. Guess all that intricate muscianship comes at a price.
Prior to this, I stopped at Justin's place and saw the same Hulu doll figurine that Gina got me, and though I tried putting her out of my mind once I saw that, she kept cropping up over the rest of the evening.
Like, when I was watching the show and saw a young couple in front of me touching each other.. well, I was missing her to do that with. She came in flashes, and.. this melancholy kind of became this thing I had to fight against the rest of the night. It didn't matter whether I was watching the show, or having drinks at Boston Pizza with the guys after. Her face just kept popping up.
I don't know if I somehow gave away my feelings, but Seth asked me if I was still going out with "that girl" and I said no, I wasn't.
"Still heartbroken, huh?" he asks. And I said yeah... I was.
Am.
"I'm sorry man," he says. With a sincerity that I appreciated.
We got to talking about his last relationship, and his ex cheated on him before breaking up the next day. He's pretty adamant about not talking with her or wanting to get back together. But he does think of her off and on, and I don't blame him. I used to work with his ex, and she was a rare breed. Tall, blond, smart, playful and.. phew.. did she ever have some hoo-has on her.
But, yeah. She cheated on him, and he rebounded relatively quick into a three year relationship with a girl he met off of eHarmony.
At least he could go on living knowing he had a good reason to hate on her.
I don't. Apart from how we broke up, I really don't have any good reasons to hate on my ex and be able to move on.
Kind of .. hmm, no. I don't wish that I did, either. I think it would be worst if I found I was cheated on. But maybe.. maybe this is worse than even that.
Being rejected the way I was, still hurts.
But, I can't quite.. convince myself that.. I'll.. I can move on. That I deserve better.
I don't think I deserve better, when I already had the best.
(sighs)
The guys and I had a decent time. At BPs, both of them drank themselves silly, prompting Seth to hand over his car keys to me. Gotta say, I've never seen a car with so many dashboard warning lights come on all on at once.
Well.. I don't know what exactly happened at the end once I drove back to Justin's apartment; but both of the guys became really affectionate towards me. Fist bumps, hand shakes and hugs.
Maybe they could sense I wasn't in the happiest of moods. I don't know. I did try to mask it, and I did throw out some dumb jokes, but.. I.. guess I couldn't fake how I was really feeling.
And, that's something I've noticed a lot about myself. I just can't fake it very well. I couldn't fake it while with Gina, and I couldn't fake it with any of my other exes. I mean, I could, for a little while, but eventually the mask slips and I'm left nakedly revealing myself.
I don't want to fake things either. But, sometimes I really do get sad. And nobody likes wanting to be around someone who is sad, or negative. I always try and put a brave face on. But maybe, maybe I should own up to my feelings and just.. not be ashamed of them. I'm sure everyone has felt the way I do at some point in time or another.
But.. *shrugs* ... That's just me. I don't like being pitied in case I do take responsibility for the way I feel. I don't want to be looked down upon and thought of as having thin skin.
Well..
I don't know anymore. Earlier in the day, I found courage enough to reactivate my OkCupid account and thank God, she had not reactivated hers. But, I messaged a girl and made sure to rewrite my profile so that it was as funny and interesting as I could get it; and when I next logged on, I saw that she visited my profile and didn't bother sending a reply.
I hate that feeling. She sounded like a good match. Spiritual. Enjoyed reading. Likes zoning out to vinyl records and having deep meaningful conversation.
Evidently I was wrong, I suppose. She didn't seem to think I was worth talking to.
Maybe I'm trying too hard. Putting too much pressure on myself. But, I've.. I do have thin skin. There's only so much rejection I can take before I really get cynical. Even more so than I already am.
So, yeah. I'm at the bottom of the well right now. Looking up out of the darkness. Reminiscing about the times I've lived and played in the light. Wanting those days to return.
And.. I kept getting this nagging feeling that... as weird as this sounds, I need to "raise" my vibration somehow.
Yeah.. new-agey nonsense, but I am really suspicious about how coincidences appear when I am focused on personal development. I don't think I've ever "tried" at getting any of the girls I ended up being in a relationship with. With a few exceptions, most of the time these girls just came onto me and I was rather... ahem, blasé about the whole affair until the opportunity for a relationship emerged.
And that's where things seem to go wrong. The second I stop being blasé, and more interested and involved in the other person; is when I seem to cause them to lose interest. I hate that. I hate thinking that in order to keep someone around, I have to play it "cool" and not allow passion and excitement to get the better of me. Because that's the kiss of death right there.
He who cares the least, holds the most power in a relationship.
So true.
Except in Gina's case. Where such an approach didn't work.
I..
(sighs) I'm still thinking about mailing her a Christmas gift. I have been working the details out in my mind and its going to be a fairly low-key affair. Just a simple note, her tupperware container and those two things I ordered for her kids. That's it.
I'm not going to ramble on in some letter explaining how I still think about her and how much I love her and want to be with her and yada yada, whatever. That's desperation. Nobody respects or sympathizes towards anyone who is desperate.
Because there is something wrong with desperate people that makes them instantly unattractive. No matter how attractive they might be.
I think it comes down to confidence in one's own ability to live a happy and meaningful life without the involvement of somebody else. That's a tough one for me to wrap my mind around, because it means I have to drop focus on finding myself a good woman to be with. I just have to focus on my life instead of hoping for someone to come along and magically bring me back to life.
And, that's where this "raising" of vibration comes from. I have to do that on my own. I have to find happiness in myself and my life first, because to delegate it onto someone else, is pressure that they do not want to have to be responsible for relieving. I understand that.
Such a.. mind fuck, really. I really get deep into my head sometimes when I probably shouldn't be taking it all so seriously.
When Seth found out I wasn't with "that girl" anymore, his eyes lit up and told me how lucky I am to be in the situation I was in.
I didn't have the heart to explain to him why I didn't agree.
Hmm. I have to leave here pretty quick. Going out with my mom for dim sum in a half hour.
Well..
It's a long ways up from down.
And I have to swing the pendulum as gently as I can.
Regardless of what I'm feeling.
Hmph.
Life goes on.
