Yep. Yeppers. I'm not sure if I should abide by that aphorism, but.. yeah. Maybe I should.
But again, maybe I shouldn't. I'm thinking about Gina's xmas gift, and that saying is what came to mind. And the last post I made, saying that I really shouldn't go with this idea.
But again.. My mind flips back and forth rationalizing each possible outcome, and ultimately, I'm left at a cross-roads where I have to either.. (sighs) either develop faith in "life" / "God" or "myself" enough to leave her alone and go my own way. Or.. (sheesh) have faith and perseverance enough to think that I can win her back. Because I really want to. I really think she's worth trying for.
Torn between two worlds here. Do or do not, there is no try. /Yoda voice
Actually, there is the option of "trying" in among this mess. Trying to keep myself whole, calm, mindful, compassionate, respectful. And then following through with whatever naturally follows as a result.
If I decide to send her that package, then I'm going to have to put a bit of humor into the effort. I can't just write in a long pithy letter where I'm whining. No. I have to keep it light-hearted. Honest. Genuine.
Non-creepy.
And that's going to take a bit of doing. And by sending her this package, I'm kind of going to be absolving her of any responsibility in her breaking up with me the way she did. I'm going to unintentionally send out the message that it's okay, what she did. And that I'm willing to take responsibility for how it all went down with us.
Is that really what I want to be doing? It wasn't okay how she broke up the way she did. It's not okay to ignore my texts and emails and then be hostile towards me when I tried to re-establish the lines of communication between us.
It wasn't okay what she did. Leaving me dangling like this. Letting my imagination torture me, trying to figure out the how and why of it all, when she herself knows the answer, but won't tell me. Nor did she give me compassion and respect enough to properly be able to part ways with her.
I should be angry as all hell, but I'm not. I just need.. closure, I suppose.
I'm having a coffee right now, and I can't help but smile a little inside, thinking of that Alex Baldwin speech. "Coffee is for closers!"
(sighs) I'm such a dork.
I just discovered while cleaning, that I still have her tupperware in the back of my fridge. Undoubtedly covered with an alien life form over the peach cobbler she last made for me. I should dump the contents out and use the tupperware as the "reason" why I'm sending her the package.
So lame. But kind of funny, too. Exactly the approach I'm aiming for.
Should I go along with this idea.
(sighs x2)
I probably will. Just to get this all off my chest. Just so I know that I tried, and to let her know that I'm still willing to try and that months later, I'm still thinking of her.
But, I can't be dry and serious and mopey and whiny. I need to play this cool. I need to not profess my love to her, and instead, focus on making her laugh and express gratitude for the times we've shared.
That's it.
No hidden agendas.
Just make her feel good, express sincere gratitude for her having changed my outlook; and then leave her be.
Because, that's what she wants. And I don't think any amount of persuasion on my part is ever going to change her mind.
So.. make her laugh, express gratitude, tell her I miss her and.. that's it, I think. It's all I can do.
I can't in good conscience promise her anything. I can't tell her that I'm going to do this and that and I would be a fantastic boyfriend/husband/step-father when I don't know if I will be. Even though I'd really like to be.
So..
Yeah.
Parents are coming back from Cuba tonight, and I have about 15 minutes to decide if I should drive an hour to the airport to meet them. Eh. I've got nothing else going on here. Just finished watching a David Blaine special, and I'm pretty tired of the forums I've been lurking on. Same old stuff. Plus, this one guy that motivated me to finally create an account on ATS has snubbed my long message to him. So.. screw it. I don't need to participate in public discourse. I've already got all the tools and ideas I need to work with. Don't need to share or bounce them off anyone else.
But yeah, I'm pretty bored right now. A drive wouldn't hurt.
Hmm.
Boring day, really. The highlight of it involved my beating this highly-advanced Seth player in Street Fighter IV, which I haven't played for a few months, with my El Fuerte. Threw in some taunts too. Fun match.
It's pretty sad thats the highlight. But it is. I spent most of today doing a lot of reading on ATS and odds and ends such as sorting out laundry and getting the garbage put away for pick up tomorrow morning.
(yawns) not an exciting life. And Tinder is boring me. Well, the women on Tinder are boring me.
See for yourself why that is. Three separate messages from this girl for a grand total of FIVE words in that screenshot. The earlier part of the conversation isn't much different than what is shown above.
This is depressing, because of how common her type is. Boring, empty, superficial. Thoughtless, as you can see by her misspelling and lack of asking me questions or sharing more of herself and her views.
Just another boring, empty shell of a human being. I don't care if I meet her in person and she turns out to be the opposite of what I've judged her to be. I just don't find myself engaged or excited by these conversations enough to want to have my judgement revoked.
See, here's the thing about being a woman on these kind of places. They get hit on often, and HARD. So maybe they're really cynical at this point, and can only communicate in fragments because there are like 12 other messages they need to get into answering. I don't know, and I don't care because its still not a valid excuse. It's a symptom. A devolution that these women have allowed themselves. They act that way, because they know they can get away with it. They know there's always another guy around the next corner. In fact, there is probably six guys around the corner, with seventeen others around various other corners; so they'll never have to worry about not being able to meet anyone. Guys, being the desperate horny beasts that we are; are the ones feeding into the kind of entitled mindset these women are exhibiting. It doesn't matter how unattractive or boring they are. If they are halfway decent looking, expect a line to go around the block with guys from all ethnicities and ages trying to beat a path to their doorstep. Guys that think its all a numbers game, and that they can't afford to be selective. Especially when it comes to getting laid, which unfortunately, is the motivating factor in a lot of these interactions with women online. I've seen more than enough evidence to know this for a fact.
I can't really blame women like Syndi to have grown jaded and cynical and entitled. But, I can blame her for not having consideration and respect enough to give me more than these fragmentary responses to my messages. Especially since I've made the obvious effort to try and have a meaningful conversation, rather than "hey wanna fuk 2nite?" which is probably what she's most used to getting from guys online.
(sighs) whatever man. Tinder is fucked. I can't "search" for the type of woman I'm hoping for. Instead I have to constantly swipe my way from duck-lip picture to duck-lip picture, and deal with yet another blank or meaningless profile, or more photos of tattoos and serious-looking facial expressions with eyes that look haunted and defeated by it all.
Or another photo of a woman playing out their sex appeal by showing off serious cleavage. Or laying on a bed in a suggestive pose. And then being hypocritical by saying, "no hookups please!" when they are clearly pandering towards those that want sex.
They really ought to present themselves as the person they want to attract. And then be honest about themselves.
Want to find a good honest man who has values? Act like a good honest woman, and don't dress/present yourself as some kind of attention whore with your pursed lips and low-cut dresses or shots of you in a bikini. Don't complain about guys with shirtless photos, when you yourself aren't faring any better in the pictures you've selected to use. Like attracts like, or so they say.
Blah. I'm so tired of it. And I'm really hesitant about reactivating my okcupid profile. Just because part of me is scared that if I go on there, I'm going to see Gina's account reactivated, which is going to tell me that she is ready to start dating again. Even though she made it explicitly known to me that she wasn't ready to date as part of the reason for the breakup. I don't want to log on and suffer the possibility of her being hypocritical.
Because that's all I seem to bring out in people. Hypocrisy. And that is a pattern that has repeated itself enough times to have made me cynical and distrustful of women who say one thing, and do another.
(sighs)
Enough writing for today.
(looks at clock) flight arrives in Edmonton at midnight, and its now 11:20pm. Gotta make a decision fast.
Should I stay or should I go?
(guitar riff)
