That James Allen guy, I tell you. He's onto something.
The title of this post reflects the sentiment behind one of his daily meditations for the day of November 7th.
It's kind of a slap upside the head, that entry I read. A kind of crime, for which I unintentionally rhymed.
Getting all Dr. Seuss up in here.
Okay, so, this entry said that circumstances change according to one's purpose. This is from a book that was written almost a hundred years ago. It predates "The Secret" and I feel it to be a bit of a peripheral insight into the "law of attraction" which states that good things will happen to those with good thoughts.
I've never really believed in the Law of Attraction. I sort of did, and didn't. I've tried experimenting with LOA methods, and I did get results; but they didn't really convince me of very much. Other than to know that I had a hand in shaping my destiny, and that the method does not always work. No matter how much time I spent sitting around wishing for things to happen. Or believing that they will, even though they haven't.
Prometheus Rising by Sir Robert Anton Wilson; was a secular version of The Secret, and I remember enjoying a lot of the conclusions he ended up making. The coin experiment, in particular, where if you focus on finding change on the ground; then you will start finding it more often than usual. But is that because you are manifesting your reality? Or is it only because you are simply paying more attention to the environment around you, and being mindful of opportunities whenever they present themselves?
It's probably a bit of both, I'm thinking.
The mind is a tricky thing to understand. Our power to change, is equally as mystifying. What can we change? To what extent? What would a reasonable amount of time be going from the initial desire of wanting to change; and then following it through all the way to the goal? How much effort is really required? How much positive thinking/optimism is actually needed? If any?
James Allen says that circumstances change when you are living purposefully. I agree with that. They do change. But not always for the better. At least, from the perspective of an ant being unaware of a giant boot about to squash him when he least expects it. There's a big picture out there that most of us have no idea about. Stuff that we can never predict coming.
You just never know what life will throw at you. But, there definitely is some wisdom in what he is saying. More so than hocus-pocus like The Secret, or some of the other "wish for it, and it will come true!" books I've read.
Action should always spring naturally from desire. Desire unacted upon, is desire that rots at the soul. Even if you desire something so strongly that you take the steps to achieve it; it does not guarantee you will get it. And it also does not mean that what you desire, is what you actually need. Or should have.
Again, life is such a mystery sometimes. What can we change? How? To what extent? How much work is involved? Can faith really fill in the gaps of not knowing what the steps are to achieving what we want out of life?
Is faith really all we need?
I'd answer no, to that. Sometimes the most evil and vilest people out there, are rewarded for their behavior. And that is a problem and result which is inconsistent with the idea of the "Law of Attraction." How can psychopaths flourish like they do, and not be made accountable for it? How is it that they side-step obstacles that would take down the average person and completely break their spirit?
You can make the case that their lack of morality and sympathy are exactly the attributes that brought them success in life; and I wouldn't argue that. That is how capitalism often rewards. But again, why is it that good things -- very good things, often happen to very bad people?
Yesterday I was at my moms, and in the living room with her and my stepdad. I put on the Michael Moore documentary I watched, and pointed out all the cool stuff in there. How Finland has the most educated children in the world, and yet, they only go to school for 3 hours a day. Or how France prepares the most elaborate meals for children in school. Or how Italians get almost 2 months of paid vacation each year, with employers being glad to pay for it. Just a lot of really interesting ideas from around the world in how to solve the problems of America, all done in a nicely paced and entertaining documentary.
Well, my stepdad hated it. From the very minute this thing started playing once he saw that Michael Moore was involved.
"Oh that fat fucking prick." and then he goes into this rant about what a loser Michael Moore is. Totally unjustified and irrational behavior.
And yes, my stepdad would vote for Trump if he could.
Throughout the entire documentary, he kept going on these rants. Saying not a single positive thing or contributing any positive thought or observation. Just a stream of negativity running the gamut from racism, to homosexuality to corruption in politics, and even mocked the idea of women rights/equality, despite the evidence being presented.
"Oh, this isn't going to change anything!" he huffs, as Moore pointed out how America could benefit from adopting ideas and attitudes that other countries like Norway, Finland, Slovenia, France, Italy, Germany had implemented. "People aren't going to do anything! Nothing is going to change!"
I found myself having to be the only sane voice in the room.
"Better to have these ideas out there for people to consider, than to not do a thing and keep quiet. At least these are solutions worth considering. What kind of ideas do you have?"
He didn't want to get into a rational argument with me, and its not worth writing out exactly what his proposed solutions were ("deport Muslims!"). I was paying attention more to my mother and the documentary, than I was with him, and he kept talking almost constantly throughout. I just listened for key words and rebuffed his arguments whenever I could. Non-chalantly and without any passion or emotion involved on my part. Basically, the guy was an angry close-minded idiot who hates everything and thinks the world is going to hell. Dog eat dog, all the way. That's how we must be.
He brought up the point that Muslims come here to be on welfare, and don't pay taxes, even though I worked with two Muslim guys who showed up every single day, and put in 12 hours. Then I made the point of reminding him that Trump evaded taxes, and refused to release his records.
But he had no valid response to any of that. Other than to argue that Trump does pay taxes. Even though he has no idea how much or little, if any, that he does.
He took a shit on just about everything Moore brought up in his film, and then during a lull; there was a moment when my mother asked if he wanted her to cook him some eggs.
And that's when it hit me. This angry, racist, homophobic misogynist has been with my mother for over 25 years, and she is still with him. She's still.. asking if he feels like having eggs. And catering to his whims.
And.. Man.. I just felt bad. I felt it was so unfair that someone like him was with my mom for so long.
And I can't.. I couldn't hold onto someone like Georgina no matter how hard I tried. And I'm.. I consider myself a good person. Troubled, sure. Cynical, absolutely. Damaged, of course. But a good person with good intentions living in a world where such qualities are difficult to hold onto. A world that rewards people for going the other way, and not towards the ideal of what a human being should be.
I looked at my mother, her being so willing to serve and.. I just didn't understand it. Abused wife syndrome? I can't imagine her sleeping with this guy. I can't imagine why she would still want to be with someone so negative and hateful.
I just couldn't get it. Not until we had a conversation about my mother's pension/retirement money.
My mom is getting about 1,300$ a month as a pension. That's a combination of old-age security and Canadian pension.
$1,300 a month. That's it. Who can live off of that? After paying off bills, groceries, car insurance, house insurance, property taxes, gas... What's left? What kind of life would someone have if they were alone and living off of $1,300 a month?
That's assuming the house is paid off, and no mortgage/rent is being paid. Car is paid off as well as no other unforeseen expenses. Such as needing a new furnace or roof.
It's sad. So, my mother is with my stepdad because he has money. She puts up with all his crap, because he has a good pension, a 70 thousand dollar truck. A giant ass TV. He pays for vacations. He pays for groceries, among other things.
No wonder she sold her soul so easily. Security beats being uncertain and unable to survive. Even if there's a steep psychological and spiritual toll that needs to be paid.
It's so disheartening. My stepdad is someone I would gladly never talk to again in my life, had he been a stranger or a co-worker. But he's not. He's been around me since I was 16. I still remember how much I disliked him back then. And he hasn't really changed.
He has always been negative. Making lewd and inappropiate jokes at other people's expense. Casually throwing the word "fuck" around, even if children are present. Talking about how much he hates Muslims, and immigration in general despite he himself, being an immigrant from Poland.
My stepdad.. Man..
He has it all.
Good pension. Lots of money in the bank. Expensive truck. Expensive TV.
And my mother.
(sighs)
Circumstances change according to one's purpose, huh James Allen? Like attracts like? Birds of feather flock together? What you think, you shall become?
That last line is from Buddha, by the way.
I don't know. It doesn't seem right, in this case. I'd like to think that karma is a bitch, and my stepdad has not treated anyone well in life. I don't think he's bought flowers for my mom in years. I don't think he actually goes out of his way to make her happy, or to do anything nice for her, other than to pay for a vacation and to give her money.
Is that love? Hell, no it's not.
Is karma working? Not in his case.
My mother is in a parasitic relationship.
And it seems to be working well for them.
I sometimes wonder what would happen if I somehow had a million bucks, and gave a large chunk of it to my mom. Would she leave him? I think she would, since she made sure to sign the house over to my name so that if she passes away, he won't be able to claim it.
And she has him listed as a "renter" rather than as a spouse; so that seems to be proof enough right there that she would leave.
But really.. does money have that much power over people?
Yes. Yes it obviously does.
I'd like to think my mother is a good person, but I sometimes wonder about that. She is the type that would not hesitate to make false claims if it meant she would get money out of doing so. I remember when there was aid being given to Fort Mac refugees a while ago, and she was telling me how she should have waited in some lineup somewhere, and get free money/aid out of it. "Nobody would know" she told me.
And that's only one example of many. If she paid for something at the store, and someone gave her back more change than she was owed; she would never correct their mistake. If she found someone's purse or wallet on the street; I'm pretty sure she would take the money out of it and not contact the owner.
Or maybe she would. I don't think anything like that has happened to her for me to really know for sure.
Anyways, the point of all that is to illustrate that a positive attitude by itself is useless. Or it appears useless, unless you can use it as fuel somehow. To get you from one place to another. A better place, anyways.
And.. I suppose another thing it illustrates, is that karma doesn't necessarily exist, it seems. My stepdad is a foreman that a lot of people hate. Yes, he gets things done, but by using fear and threats of retribution/punishment for those who don't comply with his expectations.
He's very Gordon Ramsey in his field. He'll yell and scream and throw childish tantrums; and people condone it. People are just too afraid to say otherwise.
"Chris gets results," is likely what a lot of the managers would say, when it comes to deciding who to put up as a foreman or as a superintendent. And there's no question that he does get things done.
But, he doesn't do it in a way that is consistent with the character of a good person. He is not patient, affectionate, loving, respectful, considerate.
The only affection he shows, is to his three cats.
I can't remember the last time he and my mother have kissed.
Can't remember if I ever saw them holding hands in the 25+ years I've seen them together.
And yet, they're still together.
And they kind of are happy. Somewhat.
It's so fucked up.
Yeah, so.. I don't know what to make of all this. I don't know why I keep reading these self-help books and learning about spirituality and wanting to make a difference by writing my novel, when it seems that it all amounts to nothing if people like Chris are able to create a satisfying life for themselves by perpetuating negativity and hatred.
He's the most cynical man I know, and yet even his amount of cynicism wasn't enough for my mother to end a relationship with him. Oh, she did a few times in the early years they were together; but somehow, he always came back. Always moved back in. Even if it was the sixth time they had "broken up."
And here is me, trying my best to improve myself so that I can be a worthy husband, boyfriend, father, son, worker, writer.. and..
People like him don't even try.
And they get rewarded for their ignorance.
(sighs) I'm so tired of thinking about all this, but I have to keep thinking. I have to keep trying, and somehow come to an understanding of how I must be. But maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe I already know everything I need to know about myself, and how to achieve what I most want.
Maybe I'm just.. not brave enough. Or.. confident enough. Or arrogant, which is a quality a lot of successful people seem to have. This unshakable conviction that they are in the right, and everyone else is in the wrong.
Take Steve Jobs for instance. Complete asshole to work with, but you can't argue with the results he got.
Does that make his behavior acceptable?
He certainly made a lot of people happy when he first unveiled the iPod and then the iPhone. He changed the world, really. He pretty much made the cell phone what it is today.
And he made himself rich.
His ambition was rewarded. No matter what he had to do in order to realize it. In the long run, it was all considered acceptable by consumers around the globe. Among those oblivious to his ways of running things; and among those who knew what kind of a dick he was.
So what is the lesson I'm supposed to be getting from all this? How can I motivate myself to keep going with trying to live a principled and rewarding life?
Maybe.. Maybe I just need to stop trying so hard. There's something I'm missing here, that I'm too stupid to quite understand. I'm sure of it.
One of the things an (ex) friend of mine said to me in my early 20s, was that he should be an asshole (to get a girlfriend) because I was one (and had a girlfriend at the time when he was still a virgin).
He couldn't fathom how I managed to get a girlfriend, so I tried explaining it to him.
"It's not that I'm arrogant, or an asshole; it's because I'm confident, and sometimes arrogance comes with confidence. Women appreciate a guy with confidence."
And then I would spend the next decade or so, trying to eradicate this arrogance from myself. Because I absolutely hated it. I didn't like being a know-it-all. I didn't want people to think less of me, because I was cocky and brash and rebellious and selfish.
But.. those qualities made life interesting for me. It rewarded me in certain situations. Like getting myself a girlfriend.
I should also add, that at the time Shane told me this; Elizabeth was my girl, and I didn't treat her very well. In fact, since she came after my becoming disillusioned with Michelle (my first); I really didn't pay much attention to her, and she craved it.
Supply and demand, I suppose. Give people a taste of love and attention; and they will always be at your table, begging for scraps. Treat people well and give them love, respect, attention.. and they will often take your company for granted. They will think less of you and place a lower value on your worth as an individual.
It's so fucked up how it works.
Best way I can think of resolving all this, is that confidence is mistaken for arrogance and that women are often too dumb to be able to tell the difference. Also, an authentic man is better than an indecisive one who is overly-eager to please, and is insecure about himself and his place in the world.
That's the difference right there. Being confident, even if it turns into arrogance; is the quality that every man must learn to nurture.
Just like I told Shane back then. I may appear as an asshole to him, and at the time I kind of was; but what I really was, was confident, and confidence is such an alluring quality to attract women with.
Got to remember that.
Desperately wanting a woman to settle down with, should be low on my list of priorities.
The first priority, being myself.
If I can't take care of myself, if I can't make myself happy...
Then how can I make anyone else? How can I take care of anyone else?
Something to think about.
I need to stop bashing my head against the wall. I need to find myself again, and rescutite my sense of humor. Luring it out with the promise of reward.
Got to stop taking everything so damn seriously.
And accept my circumstances.
But always mindful of moving forward.
And never back.
