One thing I realized today, in having absorbed so much information over the course of a lifetime, is that I've amassed a toolbox that has more than one tool for the job. Meaning, I'm more confused about the number and variety of tools at hand, than to feel certainty by sticking to a limited amount of ideas, and developing expertise in using them.
Instead, I'm constantly playing with a dozen different ideas rather than settling on just one. Or one at a time, rather.
That's a problem, because I'm losing focus when it comes to wanting to make the most of my life. There are too many paths and avenues and options and possibilities that it overwhelms me, and as a result, I'm not achieving a damn thing.
One thing I know for sure, is that experience trumps information. Knowledge, real knowledge can only come about by experiencing the result of a practical application of the "wisdom" brought about by media, such as books.
I can read all the books in the world, and I can still be no wiser than the man who has read none.
It's not what you know, but what you do with what you know. People have gone pretty far in life by not knowing much, but using what little they know, to its fullest application.
It's not what you know, but what you do with what you know. People have gone pretty far in life by not knowing much, but using what little they know, to its fullest application.
Those kind of people, are comfortable with simple explanations and simple ideas. They don't really feel that need like I do, to keep pushing and pressing ahead with a subject that has practically no end in sight for satisfying ones curiosity with.
And I'm troubled by knowing this. I've intellectualized "wisdom" without really benefiting by it. I've been busy my entire life, collecting knowledge and not really using it. So then, what good is it doing me?
When my passion in life involves the esoteric and unusual, there's a guarantee that I won't ever figure it all out, even if I think I have. It's an abyss. A bottomless hole. And I've dug myself in deeper than anyone I personally know.
So then, maybe what I should be doing, is going back over what I've collected and not really learned. Maybe I should go back to the books that have made a strong impact on my outlook, and remind myself of important ideas that have slipped into the fringes of my awareness.
Take for instance, the Kybalion. A fantastic book. I have an intuitive understanding of its truths, but ask me to lay them all out and I probably won't be able to tell you much.
Just for fun, I'm going to attempt to try right now, just what it is I remember from reading that book.
Okay.. heh.. harder than I thought it was. But one idea that really came out, was the idea of life being a kind of pendulum. Specifically, the life of any human being has a swing that goes to the far left or right of where they want to be. In the middle. The job of the person who is made aware of this fact, is to ensure that you are not affected by either extreme of the swing. So for example, finding extreme happiness and later experiencing extreme misery. The average person is going to find themselves swept up in either scenario. Or should I say, the "sensitive" person is going to commit themselves fully to experiencing either scenario. But when the pendulum swings from one extreme to another, these type of people find themselves in either agony or ecstasy that is short-lived. Producing a mindset that feels itself to be held hostage by the forces of external circumstances.
Except the truth is, there are no circumstances that exist outside of our means to control. We always choose the way we get to react to things. Whether its a threesome with two gorgeous ladies, or having your car repossessed and being hit with divorce papers. We can control our reactions in both cases. And the Kybalion makes the strong argument that being mindful of the present, enables us to alter the future. And to alter the future, means we control the past.
I've gotten pretty good at sussing out the core meaning in all the theories and principles and systems of beliefs I've exposed myself to. Its come to the point where I can skim over most of a book and my eye will drop itself on exactly the right thing, so I don't have to read the "fat" that surrounds these core ideas. But a book as compelling as the Kybalion, deserves to have each of its words taken seriously and given thoughtful consideration.
"As above, so below" is another teaching from the Kybalion. It postulates (based on ancient teachings by Hermes) that the smallest particle, is a part of a larger whole, and that each is one and the same. Ken Wilber called this a "holon" where something is whole, and separate at the same time. Much like we are. Hence the, "God created man in his own image" passage in the Bible.
To know God, we must first know ourselves.
Take for instance, the Kybalion. A fantastic book. I have an intuitive understanding of its truths, but ask me to lay them all out and I probably won't be able to tell you much.
Just for fun, I'm going to attempt to try right now, just what it is I remember from reading that book.
Okay.. heh.. harder than I thought it was. But one idea that really came out, was the idea of life being a kind of pendulum. Specifically, the life of any human being has a swing that goes to the far left or right of where they want to be. In the middle. The job of the person who is made aware of this fact, is to ensure that you are not affected by either extreme of the swing. So for example, finding extreme happiness and later experiencing extreme misery. The average person is going to find themselves swept up in either scenario. Or should I say, the "sensitive" person is going to commit themselves fully to experiencing either scenario. But when the pendulum swings from one extreme to another, these type of people find themselves in either agony or ecstasy that is short-lived. Producing a mindset that feels itself to be held hostage by the forces of external circumstances.
Except the truth is, there are no circumstances that exist outside of our means to control. We always choose the way we get to react to things. Whether its a threesome with two gorgeous ladies, or having your car repossessed and being hit with divorce papers. We can control our reactions in both cases. And the Kybalion makes the strong argument that being mindful of the present, enables us to alter the future. And to alter the future, means we control the past.
I've gotten pretty good at sussing out the core meaning in all the theories and principles and systems of beliefs I've exposed myself to. Its come to the point where I can skim over most of a book and my eye will drop itself on exactly the right thing, so I don't have to read the "fat" that surrounds these core ideas. But a book as compelling as the Kybalion, deserves to have each of its words taken seriously and given thoughtful consideration.
"As above, so below" is another teaching from the Kybalion. It postulates (based on ancient teachings by Hermes) that the smallest particle, is a part of a larger whole, and that each is one and the same. Ken Wilber called this a "holon" where something is whole, and separate at the same time. Much like we are. Hence the, "God created man in his own image" passage in the Bible.
To know God, we must first know ourselves.
I should be erecting a shrine to these ideas. Not collecting them all and tossing them in the bucket with all the other questionable ideas out there that I keep an open mind towards, but never really committing myself to believing. I need to separate them from one another. Give them space to breathe and come to life.
Too many ideas out there, and not all of them are good. Too much complexity, also. Like peeling off the layer of an onion, and finding another layer beneath. I could probably go my entire life peeling this onion and never realizing that I don't have to. That I already know what is at the core.
I should be following the KISS method of "keep it simple, stupid" and not overwhelm myself with theories of a holographic universe, the law of attraction, religion, spirituality, multiple realities and dimensions, etc. I can spend months studying simulation theory, string theory, the multiverse theory, the holographic theory, and all I'm going to do is end up confusing myself.
I need a coherent framework, and my insatiable thirst for knowledge is getting in the way of that. There really are too many theories and conflicting ideas out there. At least when it comes to figuring out the nature and form of the universe, and my (mankind) relationship to it.
Maybe, that's the end game of all this. I'm only describing a natural process of learning and adapting, but the reason I'm bringing it up, is because I'm exhausted and demoralized for continuing to keep reading and learning about my favorite subjects, only to not really ever putting them into practice or to good use.
Or really distilling them all down to a viable hypothesis.
A quote of James Allen that I really like, says this:
"Learning may aid and accompany wisdom, but it does not lead to it."
For too long, I've allowed others the chance to speak and share their views and findings. For too long I've been an empty vessel filling itself up greedily without much consideration of what was going in. Sure, I thought of these ideas, but there always is another shiny thing that lures me away from these deliberations, and they turn into phantoms in the back of my mind. Patiently waiting their turn to be given acknowledgement.
Now, it's my turn to do just that. Give those ideas and theories the credit they deserve. Patch them all together, discard the useless bits, and then live my life by whatever philosophy emerges.
I really should look to working on my novel. It's the best way to solidify what I've gathered over the years. Make those phantoms real, and trot them out into the public. Relieve myself of the burden of keeping these thoughts imprisoned. They need to be examined and debated in a forum larger than myself by welcoming secular and spiritual analysis to critique the ideas I've come up with.
Yeah. I need to do this. Time waits for no man. A lifetime of learning, should have some practical expression. It is not a glass case to put things inside of, and allow dust to settle on top of them.
Hm.
Need to stop playing video games for awhile. I need all the time I can get.
This has to happen.
Instead...
(sighs) .. instead I keep dealing with thoughts of her, my book, my job, my hearing, my life, my lack..
It's tough. Harder than what most people have to deal with.
It's always easier to turn my back on these things, and simply lose myself in a book, a video game or a movie.
Or a song.
But songs aren't all that demanding of my time.
So, yeah..
Either I confront the world head on.
Or I run from it.
The answer is clear.
I can never give up.
No matter how much it feels like I should. No matter how much I struggle with, or what I've lost.
And I've lost..
Someone important to me.
And I've lost myself.
What other wake up call do I need?
What other wake up call do I need?
But... thank God I have this blog to ramble on. Every time I do, I feel like I'm letting go of a little bit more pain, and gaining a bit more perspective. I'm acknowledging my distress and looking at it in an objective way.
So, good thing I have that at least.
Baby steps.
Baby steps all the way.
Oooh baby I love your way.
Yeah.. Everything reminds me of her.
I played her that song while she was taking a shower at my place. Its really ingrained in my memory.
Along with everything else about her.
One other weird thing today, apart from seeing a fox in the parking lot -- is that for no reason at all while I was playing Saints Row - Enter The Dominatrix, is that I had thoughts of Gina's kids popping into my mind. And with those thoughts, this yearning came out as well. The yearning to want to spend time with them, to play with them.
It was a strong impulse, and like I said, a weird one to have given that I was likely walking around beating people up with a floppy dildo in the game when it happened.
Maybe, maybe I really want to be a dad. But with the way the world is nowadays, I don't like the idea of having kids. Maybe thats why being a stepdad is preferable. Less responsibility.
Hmm.
Like the Kybalion mentioned, I am on a pendulum of sorts. I keep veering off to each side. I'm desperate for an outcome, but I have no idea what sort of outcome would suit me best.
Be careful what you wish for, as they say. Maybe I would hate being a stepfather. Maybe It wouldn't suit me. Maybe I'd be a lousy mentor to a couple of young boys.
I don't know.
But I am interested in giving it a shot.
I think the single most truest thing I can say about the subject of what makes me happy, is that I know the time I spend with other people, the relationships I cultivate -- means more to me than anything I own.
And I'm.. I guess I've always been a people person.
Hm. Though I never used to really think that way.
(sighs) .. most of my time nowadays is spent inside of my washroom, believe it or not. I'm not even sitting on the toilet either. I'm on the floor, listening to the bathroom fan whir as I smoke and read on the phone, or play games, or post on my blog. Or have a cup of coffee. It's weird, but comforting in its own way. A small space with minimal distractions inside of it. Well, minimal if I didn't bring in the phone or laptop or a book. Still, I understand the formerly unconscious appeal of it.
Well then.. Enough thinking about thinking. I need a breakthrough. A revelation. A miracle, like I asked for in my last post.
I'm considering getting back into practicing the Law of Attraction and possibly "magick" as I used to when I was in my teens. Those things do work, even if I have trouble convincing myself as to why and how they do. Again, multiple theories.
Thing is, even if I'm going to throw myself fully into visualizing the outcome of my life; I need to be specific about what I want. And right now, I just want someone who loves me. As sad as it is to say. A pretty young girl, or even a slightly older one. With or without kids. Someone I'm attracted to and can have a meaningful conversation with. Someone that I can share my life and confess my deepest feelings to, without being afraid of my vulnerabilities.
But, thats.. you know, it could be Gina that I'm asking for. She has hit more checkmarks on my list than any other girl I've been with or dated.
So, should I try and focus on getting her back? Or should I focus on finding someone better? Because like I've said multiple times in my blog, I have a hard time imagining someone better than her.
But, maybe there is.
Or maybe there isn't.
I need to settle on a plan before I go about executing it.
If someone told me there was someone better than Gina out there for me, I would have an extremely difficult time in believing it. So therefore, visualization and LOA won't work for me unless I overcome this skepticism of mine.
So the easiest thing is actually for me to visualize in getting Gina back.
But.. that's a tough road too.
I really don't know which approach to take.
Oooh baby I love your way.
Yeah.. Everything reminds me of her.
I played her that song while she was taking a shower at my place. Its really ingrained in my memory.
Along with everything else about her.
One other weird thing today, apart from seeing a fox in the parking lot -- is that for no reason at all while I was playing Saints Row - Enter The Dominatrix, is that I had thoughts of Gina's kids popping into my mind. And with those thoughts, this yearning came out as well. The yearning to want to spend time with them, to play with them.
It was a strong impulse, and like I said, a weird one to have given that I was likely walking around beating people up with a floppy dildo in the game when it happened.
Maybe, maybe I really want to be a dad. But with the way the world is nowadays, I don't like the idea of having kids. Maybe thats why being a stepdad is preferable. Less responsibility.
Hmm.
Like the Kybalion mentioned, I am on a pendulum of sorts. I keep veering off to each side. I'm desperate for an outcome, but I have no idea what sort of outcome would suit me best.
Be careful what you wish for, as they say. Maybe I would hate being a stepfather. Maybe It wouldn't suit me. Maybe I'd be a lousy mentor to a couple of young boys.
I don't know.
But I am interested in giving it a shot.
I think the single most truest thing I can say about the subject of what makes me happy, is that I know the time I spend with other people, the relationships I cultivate -- means more to me than anything I own.
And I'm.. I guess I've always been a people person.
Hm. Though I never used to really think that way.
(sighs) .. most of my time nowadays is spent inside of my washroom, believe it or not. I'm not even sitting on the toilet either. I'm on the floor, listening to the bathroom fan whir as I smoke and read on the phone, or play games, or post on my blog. Or have a cup of coffee. It's weird, but comforting in its own way. A small space with minimal distractions inside of it. Well, minimal if I didn't bring in the phone or laptop or a book. Still, I understand the formerly unconscious appeal of it.
Well then.. Enough thinking about thinking. I need a breakthrough. A revelation. A miracle, like I asked for in my last post.
I'm considering getting back into practicing the Law of Attraction and possibly "magick" as I used to when I was in my teens. Those things do work, even if I have trouble convincing myself as to why and how they do. Again, multiple theories.
Thing is, even if I'm going to throw myself fully into visualizing the outcome of my life; I need to be specific about what I want. And right now, I just want someone who loves me. As sad as it is to say. A pretty young girl, or even a slightly older one. With or without kids. Someone I'm attracted to and can have a meaningful conversation with. Someone that I can share my life and confess my deepest feelings to, without being afraid of my vulnerabilities.
But, thats.. you know, it could be Gina that I'm asking for. She has hit more checkmarks on my list than any other girl I've been with or dated.
So, should I try and focus on getting her back? Or should I focus on finding someone better? Because like I've said multiple times in my blog, I have a hard time imagining someone better than her.
But, maybe there is.
Or maybe there isn't.
I need to settle on a plan before I go about executing it.
If someone told me there was someone better than Gina out there for me, I would have an extremely difficult time in believing it. So therefore, visualization and LOA won't work for me unless I overcome this skepticism of mine.
So the easiest thing is actually for me to visualize in getting Gina back.
But.. that's a tough road too.
I really don't know which approach to take.
In visualizing, it helps to have a target of what you're asking for. And to make it as specific and nuanced as possible. All the details you can muster, will assist in achieving the goal. So in my case, it would be easy to visualize Gina coming back, more so than it would be for some random girl to come into my life somehow.
Hmm.
I don't know if such a thing is even possible. It literally would be a miracle if somehow Gina contacts me again.
Do I want to invest time and energy into something that has such a low chance of it coming true?
Is this really what I want to be wishing for?
Again, this is the easiest path to take, but in taking it, I would have to not bother with dating sites anymore. Or with keeping my hopes up in public about finding the "one" for me.
I'd have to trick myself into believing that Gina and I are together, and for that to happen, I can't be thinking about other girls.
And that is a limiting belief, isn't it?
Hm. To move on, or not to move on.
That is the question.
I don't know what would spark a change of heart in her, especially one that I'm not going to directly intervene with (such as mailing her the package). So.. just sitting around and wishing for her is what I can expect to be doing, if I go along with this idea. Hoping for a miracle to happen.
Grr.
I really overthink things. I really put a lot of pressure on myself, and I really don't know exactly what I most want. Or more accurately, need.
Maybe.. maybe I should shift my focus to that, then. Focus on finding an answer to that question first.
"What is it that I should have, that will impact my life in the most beneficial and positive way possible?"
Thing is, the answer to that is, "a good relationship with myself." Right?
Got to find happiness within, first. I can't possibly expect "someone else" to come around and magically fix me. I have to fix myself. That's my responsibility, not someone else.
Hmm. In this line of thinking, it stands to reason that I need to find happiness in myself first.
But, I'm defined by the relationships I have with other people. Relationships are what makes me happy.
So, that is why I'm begging for the "one" to come. To fill this hole inside of me.
But then again, I don't want a woman to be my only reason for living.
Hmm.
I think in order to realize a good relationship with someone, I'd first have to develop a good relationship with myself. And if there is anything that Gina taught me in the post-breakup, is that I had a very good relationship with myself this summer before I went back to work. Until work robbed my spirit of enthusiasm.
Hmm. So then, if I can't sustain happiness because of what I do for a living, then I should be asking for help in getting a new career. Or winning the lottery. Or something.
(sighs) I'm tired of all this thinking. I need to go to bed. I still can't get my sleep cycle back to normal. I'm still staying up late every night. Still avoiding having to go back to work.
And my ass is sore from sitting on the bathroom floor.
Well..
Another time.
