I figured out why Justin and Seth were so friendly towards me at the end of last night.
Because they were proud of the way I carried my burdens.
And they genuinely love me for who I am.
I think that's it. I'm pretty sure it is. As flawed as they both are, they are each living by the ways of their spirits and conducting themselves with dignity and personal respect. That is a quality worth admiring in any living human being. Male or female. It is the goodness of who we are, and the happiness we wish to express or someday realize for ourselves. Even if such goodness feels defeated, it also restores itself just a little bit more each time it witnesses goodness triumphing over the evil of self-defeat.
It is namaste, "the soul in me honors the soul in you." In the most truest way, any word can ever express in such an efficient and soulful manner.
So, yep. Figured it out. That's sincere validation right there of my worth as a human being, even if I would rather be judged by those who have truly reached great heights in overcoming obstacles within their personal lives. Those are the most qualified ones to tell if I am living in truth, in authenticity, even though I constantly fail at keeping myself consistently on the path. Even when I fail, time and time again, I still manage to get up more times than the average person could. I'd rather be assessed by the life "experts" out there, before I might be able to breathe easy when it comes to troubling questions I ask of myself.
Am I good? Am I kind? What must I do to improve? How can I achieve what I want most from life? What should I commit myself to doing? How encouraged will I be, by the results? Can I achieve the results I'm looking for, in a reasonable amount of time? How much commitment really, is necessary of me to get what I want most from life? How far back must I bend over, before I'm told to have done "enough" and that I am worthy of being given my heart's deepest desire, by a power that is older and wiser than all of time?
What must I do, so that I will have God's favor? How can I know who is God? What is God? What is my relationship to God, and how can I feel faith enough to know that who I'm praying to, is real, and that whatever the entity is that is listening, has love and lessons and assistance to give me, when I most need such things? How can I know for sure, that my pleas are being heard?
And so, on and so forth. Those are difficult questions to be dealing with, and I have not felt the need of willful ignorance to avoid ever wabi...
Okay, so a loud noise just happened as I was writing this, and I saw a piece of metal fall to the ground by my gas fireplace (which is burning, at the moment). Pretty shocking, actually. I was a bit spooked.
Coincidence? I don't know. But maybe I will take its cue, and finish this post. I've gone deep again, and its..
Well, I don't know what it is I feel about how introspective I am and whether or not its a good or bad thing; but I do know, that it is a part of me that is loved. By my friends, by family, and by strangers that I come into minimal contact with. Co-workers. Cashiers.
I have gotten plenty of "Namaste"'s communicated to me non-verbally, in the silent way that spirits normally speak.
That "knowing" and "acceptance" is passed between myself, and whoever I choose as witness or participant in the authentic expressions of my mind and heart. Just opening myself up, and letting someone peek inside.
Yep. Enough chatter. No man should have to suffer the depths of these kind of questions, but I unfortunately, happen to be that man. And I have to face this situation I'm in, with all the courage I possess so that it can be conquered and evolved from.
So I can't give up. I've gotten validation. I know I'm worthwhile.
Just got to start really believing it.
And I hold myself to an extremely high standard. I truly want to be the best man I can be.
But, in order to be that, I must first believe it.
Really believe it.
And then walk the talk.
If there are others that believe in me,
then why can't I too?
