Today, I feel like an idiot. Maybe that's because I am one.
(sighs) .. What else would you call someone who has been playing a video game for ten hours straight? Gears of War: Judgement on Outrun mode, where you play either as Locust or Cog. The Locust are a bunch of monsters while the Cog is made up of human characters.
Yeah.. Just like with Battlefront last week, I spent far too much time really doing nothing. A complete waste. And I know, that time wasted as long as it was enjoyed; is time well spent, but not in this case. Sure, in the moment I loved the twitchy-thrills those two games provide. Battlefront for its "pew-pew" amazing Star Wars sound design, and Gears just for the fun of being able to play as a monster and wreck havoc on the map.
In both games, I frequently get first place. Not really bragging about it, but thought I mention what my skill level is. Undoubtedly all those hours playing these games have at least made me really good at them.
And that, my imaginary reader, is nothing to be proud of. There are better things to be doing than to play video games all day. And at my age, after decades of playing them; I really should try cutting myself off them entirely. Because its not worth it. Yeah, its fun when you're playing, but at the end of a long marathon session like I had, I just felt like an idiot. "Look at where my time went", I'd think to myself, and it dawns on me that those hours spent playing could have been used elsewhere. For something more productive other than digital accolades which only other players in the game can appreciate Most of whom are likely guys in their early 20s; or teens.
What a waste of a day. I feel so guilty. And I feel so baffled as to why I've been lethargic ever since I was laid off. The last time I was laid off, was the week after Gina broke up with me and I guess that whirlwind of productivity I was experiencing, came from a desperate and sad place. It wasn't destined to last. No matter how much I wanted it to.
Felt like I slid down a slope, and I'm back to the way I was.
Negative. Cynical. Cold.
Not giving a shit about anything. Feeling hateful. Spiteful. And I can't understand why that is. I have theories, but thats all they are. Theories. I have several reasons to be feeling this way, but I can't seem to settle on just one. It feels like a number of things are weighing down on me that I'm.. wanting to not deal with right now.
Escapism. That is what happens when someone wants to experience something other than the apparent boredom and mediocrity that real life provides. And escapism.. well, it felt good for a while, but I have gone through these periods before and know that in the long-run, I'm going to regret having wasted my time like this.
But, I couldn't.. listen to music. It felt like bland noise that I didn't enjoy listening to. I couldn't read either, my eyes would travel over the words and none of them really painted a picture in my mind. I just kept skimming over to the interesting parts because I couldn't handle reading a mediocre paragraph in its entirety.
No music, no books. Tried listening to a podcast, but the host was being negative, so I tried another and that one was all small talk extended to three-plus hours. Had to turn it off before my brain turned to mush.
Didn't want to clean the house either, though I know I should. Didn't want to do laundry. Or change the lock on my front door that still has a broken key inside of it.
Didn't want to leave the house. Didn't want to rake the leaves outside.
I didn't want to do anything other than lay in bed.
But after doing that for a bit, I felt restless. So I went downstairs, fired up the Xbox with the intention of watching Netflix, failed at being able to pay attention to it; and decided to fire up Gears.
Ten hours later, here I am.
With nothing to show for it except for a couple of friend requests. Ho-Hum.
I did tinker with the last chapter of my novel for a short while, but eventually the boredom of it overwhelmed me.
Coffee and chocolates was all I had in that ten hour session of gaming. Two cups of Tim Hortons, two bite-size Kit-Kats, two bite-size Aeros (leftover Halloween candy). Nothing else.
And even now, I'm still not hungry.
I don't know why I'm posting about this, other than to acknowledge this particular state of mind I'm in. Bored. Restless. Needing to go somewhere or do something, but not knowing where or what.
Just.. lost, I suppose.
Tinder fizzled out for me today. I didn't get any messages. And the three girls I was texting with, had a serious problem with knowing how to keep a conversation going. I couldn't stomach having to be the only one wanting to text. I'm not going to beg for replies or strain myself to think of questions to ask them.
I know that women, especially good looking women; have this gross sense of entitlement on dating sites. They get hit on multiple times a day by all kinds of men. Short, fat, tall, skinny, jock, nerd, black, brown, white, red, wealthy, poor, in jail.. you name it. I've had the privilege of being able to look at some of the messages that these girls get. It's unbelievable how desperate most guys are.
I don't want to be one of them. Yes, I badly desire.. the love of my life. But.. I'm not going to.. I shouldn't have to play these dumb games. I don't want to be jumping through hoops.
Only a handful of women have been fun for me to text with, in the entire time I've been meeting people online. Most of them are the "lol" type, where they answer a question with a blunt answer and you have to scratch your head as to what to say next. It's like.. this never ending dead-end that you have to constantly maneuver around and prevent from happening. Eventually, the conversation gets boring and old and awkward and evident that the person I'm talking to either has no depth to them worth sharing; or they aren't really interested in me or the conversation. Even if they message first.
So.. I'm not going to bend over backwards for some stranger I've never met, who I've only seen a thumbnail picture of.
But still, that shit is depressing. Is this really the only way to meet women? Online?
I mean, I could walk up to some girl at the grocery store, hug a couple watermelons to my chest and ask her what she thinks of "these melons" and make her laugh. But fuck, man. How do I know they're single? How do I know I'm not being an annoying douche by interrupting?
I've seen a co-worker of mine do this sort of thing while we hung out at Value Village. He was brazenly flirting (aka making terrible jokes that he thought was funny) with anything that walked by that had a vagina. It was so embarrassing being next to him and watching how he behaved.
I don't want to be like Ben. I'm not going to approach random women and make them feel like I want something.
I want natural encounters. Organic ones. I don't want to feel like I'm having a conversation because I hope to score a date out of it. I want to have a conversation that is fun. With no strings attached. And yet, if its a pretty girl I'm talking to, I'm still not going to ask her if she's single. I refuse to let her think that the purpose of the conversation was so that I could find myself a girlfriend. Or to get into her pants.
I'm just not like that. I get...
(sighs) look at me going off on a tangent again. I'm getting predictable. Sometimes I wonder what the purpose of even writing all this is. Therapy? Probably. But just how constructive is all this? What am I actually gaining? Insight? hmm. I guess.
Well.. Just one of those days. Another day without her.
Another day of wondering if I should just give up and let her fade away.
Another day of feeling like an idiot. Not knowing what I should be doing with myself.
Another day.
Another ho-hum post.
