Maybe I'll do another, just to make sure I covered everything.
Friday, so.. Going to work as usual ended up becoming an unexpected surprise as we showed up and was told to stay in the lunchroom, since they weren't allowing us into Unit 24, where we were working.
Of course, the rumor mill began to churn even before the shift started.
"Are we getting laid off? Are they sending us home? Day shift got sent home, the job is almost done.."
Etc.
So we sat in the lunchroom for a bit, until the foremen came in and explained the situation to everyone.
Seems that they were going to send us home early, much to the jubilation of all of us who have been burnt out working 12 hour shifts and 7 days straight. But, that's not all! It was changed so that the plant would only need 14 people instead of the 40+ we had there, for standby reasons. Only for a week or so.
Again, more happy people, as it meant a week off. And with the way they described it, they would only need four people for one 12 hour shift next week. For one day. So, Monday would be 4 people, Tuesday would be a different set of 4, and so on.
We drew names from a hat (my hat) and I was relieved to find that I wasn't chosen. That meant at least a week off, baby!
So I got home at around 11, and immediately I felt odd about being there. What do I do now? Watch TV? A movie? Read a book? Listen to music, or a podcast? I was overwhelmed by the possibilities of having the rest of the night off, and decided smoking a bowl while sitting in the bathtub was the first order of business I should be doing.
So I did. Check out how awesome the bathroom looks with these fake remote-controlled candles I got a month ago:
Hmph. It looks better in person than it does in those photos. Still, though. It was a nice ambience and exactly what I needed.
On my phone, I tapped out a "blurb" regarding Georgina. Yeah.. sitting in the tub, stoned and thinking about us resulted in the birth of this monstrosity here. Be warned, it's long and whiny and I don't see much value for anyone other than myself to be reading it.
"Our relationship had its good moments, and it also had these great and beautiful moments as well. It was really something to be living in love and anticipation of each new day, so that we would each be closer and nearing each other to when we would next meet.
That anticipation.. Man, I miss that so much. It felt as if I was finally alive in this world, and following my way to a happy life, while holding the hand of the woman I was with.
We had beautiful moments. Many of them.
So, no. I don't think this should have been worth giving up on, no matter what I may have done, or what she was experiencing at the time.
We weren't meant to end this all in such sadness and despair.
I don't want it to end like that.
But, she did, and has casted me away.
For whatever perceived reasons she had, whether or not they were false and ill-informed shouldn't even matter.
She is responsible. As am I, but I did not have the opportunity to be given a fair chance to really speak from my heart. I didn't want to burden her with my struggles.
But, maybe that is exactly me missing the point. Maybe I should have confessed my vulnerabilities early on, and not so late in the relationship. Maybe I should have told her what my concerns and problems were.
Because, it wouldn't have made me into a coward, had I allowed her to see deep inside my soul. I couldn't offer that level of connection that she appeared to have wanted from me. At least, I couldn't offer her my heart so early in my having to know someone enough to be able to trust them with knowing how I became the man I am.
There's some deep wounds left on me, and the best healing is a patient and loving heart. One that speaks how it actually feels, so that I may bungle somehow in trying to ease whatever she is concerned about. That's what people in love have to be. Honest. Trusting. Patient. Grateful. Understanding.
Can't have a good relationship with anyone who doesn't bring those qualities to the table, and swears an oath to uphold the principles and rules of two people being in love. That unspoken understanding between a new couple embarking on a journey together.
'I promise, never to do you wrong.' is what both people subliminally agree towards. And yet, as the relationship progresses; challenges present themselves, and the true loser of the situation is the person who gave up on something of great potential. No matter how brief or long the interval of suddenly not having feelings for someone you once expressed great love and hope towards. That's the responsible party. The one who gave up and nailed the door shut, without allowing their partner to speak candidly and inform with gruelling honesty; the exact reasons why a beautiful thing could be so swiftly discarded.
It baffles me thinking about it. Sometimes I feel sympathy, but most of the time I don't.
She made that decision, and I have to live with it. And so does she. For the better or worse of her judgement.
'It's not all my fault,' is the only platitude I can comfort myself with.
She gave up. Not me.
And she knows now, how much I never wanted to give up.
And still, my heartfelt expressions were met with having my email and texts ignored.
.. It feels like I'm an idiot for nor knowing what reason was there, for her to have to end it like this. What reason could possibly have been good enough, if she didn't at least try to communicate the depths of her soul to me first. I don't know why she couldn't have expressed her feelings towards me in clear, unmistakable words. So that I would know that I'd have to rise to the occasion, and demonstrate my commitment to her, by doing whatever I can to make her life easier and more pleasant.
She didn't ever complain to me. And while she did say she was stressed; she only described the reasons in a matter of fact way, in the least urgent of tones. I'm not a mind reader. She should know that I need more to work off of to know that there is a problem that has to be solved.
And I'm a good man, and capable of being the one she most desired, when we first met.
I'm still the same as I was in the beginning.
But I do need to know exactly what troubles my partner, as I deal with troubles of my own.
I didn't ever think that my troubles would reach a point where I would abandon my partner, in the worst possible way imaginable.
Through text. And then ignoring their pleas.
How cruel is that? How can that ever be rationalized as acceptable behavior?
What kind of a person would do that to someone? Especially after all of our wonderful moments together?
My dad passed away. I was struggling at work. I couldn't burden anyone who is also suffering from burdens themselves.
Not to call her children "burdens", but honest challenges, for a single mother to be dealing with. I'm sure it was difficult. And still is.
It was them or me. And I can understand this type of choice being made.
But I can't understand why she didn't give me a face to face breakup. To become courageous herself, and give me the chance to speak freely and with complete honesty.
Because that is something only a good person does, if they have the slightest suspicion that their partner might not be able to recover from the potential of sinking into heartache and despair.
A good person holds your hand, as you die. They do not leave the room early, leaving you trapped with a ticking bomb that they smuggled inside without your knowing, and having to feel the fear of great uncertainty about the future. And abandoning them to their own devices.
That's not how a good person should be. To tuck tail and run. A good person should know early on, whether or not their partner is a good person as well. And worth being and building a future with. And treating with respect and appreciative of the past moments that were shared.
A good person.. (sighs)
I have to think about this more.
Done.
Long story short; she needed rescuing, and I wasn't brave enough to try. But she didn't determine if that was true or not. Whether I was able to do what she wanted. She didn't give me a clear plea that she needed help. She wouldn't ask for such a thing.
But, why? Why wouldn't she speak up and give me the chance to try?
Unless she lost faith in me.
And I have already rectified most of the causes behind such a conclusion. My blog is proof of the hard effort and work I put in, to try and be as honourable and brave I can be. To be the best man I can be, and to constantly aspire towards it. No matter how much I struggle.
That's why I sent her a link to this blog, to prove her assumptions wrong.
I am capable of much more than she has realized. I haven't shared enough of myself for her to really know. And I guess, that's part of the blame I have to shoulder, but being emotionally wary about a new relationship - - especially since I told her how bad my luck with dating was - - should have been expected of me. I made that clear to her, how painful my past was. I at least gave her a strong hint about it.
I just can't completely open myself up to someone, that I don't know very well.
I need to really trust them. And while Gina and I had times where I really believed in trusting her, I didn't feel the need to tell her in explicit detail, all the pain I've experienced in my past.
It takes time for me to feel comfortable enough to do so. And still, I would not speak of everything that is etched upon my soul. I haven't ever found someone I would want to do that with.
Yet.
(sighs) she was a worthy one, though. Had she been patient enough, I might have surprised her in an unexpected and pleasant way.
I have already overcome adversity. I still am at war with it, and I have not ceased fighting.
So, that's courage right there. The blue collar guy who laces up his work boots and forces himself out the door, to a job he dislikes doing.
And it's courage, to still try and keep a smile on my face and to make the most of my situation, and not let everyone at work know how defeated I can sometimes feel. But still able to place one foot in front of the other, and earning the respect of my colleagues for doing so.
That's bravery right there. I don't even have to mention my hearing problems either, for my situation to be challenging enough for the average person to avoid facing.
Most people might not have lasted as long as I did. They would've given up. Killed themselves. They would've grow bitter and resentful and suspicious and angry and soulless.
I refuse to give up. I refuse to stop hoping for a miracle.
Because I do my best to live in and to be in honour of Truth. As all men should aspire towards. To become champions of their lives, and masters of their fate. No matter how difficult and overwhelming it all can sometimes be.
I refuse to call it a day.
I'm going to push myself forward.
Once I charge myself back up.
And when I do, look out.
I'm going to make it.
With my heart and soul, in one piece and my dignity intact.
I can do it.
And I have no other choice but to try.
So, here goes nothing."
It hasn't been a fun past couple of months. Without her, I feel.. empty, really. I feel empty and trying to fill that emptiness with my writing, and in trying to keep a smile on my face each and every day I wake up to.
Life ain't easy, son. No matter how much I want it to be, there's always something that gets in the way to remind me of this fact. Whether it's money, relationships, my novel, my hearing, the defects in my character that I want to correct. There's always a challenge to face. Always something to work on and improve.
It's never enough, sometimes. No matter how hard I try.
Anyways..
I then played Battlefront the rest of the night and felt like a complete loser by the end of it. Although I haven't played video games in weeks, it still felt like a giant waste of time. I reasoned I had to get gaming out of my system and that I would still be able make productive use of my time off coming up.
So that was Friday. Then Saturday had Gyngie coming by.
I'll write up another post later.
It's Costco time.
