Didn't go to the airport, I assumed my mom and stepdad would've both been tired from their flight anyways. I'll be hearing from them tomorrow.
With that said, boy, the thoughts I've been having about Gina these past few months is bringing me into such a deeply introspective state. I've always been a thinker, and a dreamer and I have this ridiculous compulsion to analyze a subject until my curiosity is satisfied or until I lose interest.
So far, I've not lost interest. The how and why of the breakup is this nebulous fog that hangs over me, and my imagination is not getting much of any respite from thoughts that seem to intrude upon me without warning. It seems like I need to answer a question that I don't know how to ask. Or maybe, I need to answer several questions before I can pack it up and call it a day.
But, what are those questions?
I "stumbled" onto the Law of Attraction thread on Above Top Secret today, though I was looking at religious conspiracies; and in this thread, people who are as anal as I am about investigating the worth of a particular theory, were all debating the pros and cons and mechanistic nature of the Law of Attraction.
Interestingly enough, Syndi (mentioned in the last post) and I were on the topic of LOA and that came about when I asked her what she was up to that evening. "Watching the secret" she said, and I told her what my own thoughts were regarding both the Secret book, and the movie.
So already, there are coincidences in play. I must have attracted Syndi to me, to reaffirm the worth of this idea that we can attract to ourselves the things we most desire. That can involve taking steps towards the goal. And "steps" can be the words and actions of other people.
Otherwise, there would've been no point to our conversation. To our having met. I'm of the belief that everything happens for a reason, and though I may not be able to identify how I benefitted from a particular encounter; I'm also mindful that perhaps it was not me that needed to learn something, but the person I interacted with.
I'm sure the Law of Attraction works both ways. I can draw things to me, and others can draw things to them. Both situations involve people. People can be draw to you, or you can draw yourself to them in order to achieve some sort of objective where at least one person leaves a little more wiser, or perhaps, more happier. More... whatever the "objective" was.
Hey.. (whoops) uh.. Watching episode two of Glitch and there was a scene with boobs in it. Uhm.. where was I?
Huh.. good looking girls on this show. That pregnant lady is extremely cute.
Okay, so law of attraction. Now.. I'm going to *assume* that this is a real phenomenon and that it actually does work. Like attract like. So, how can I use this knowledge to.. justify my having met Georgina, only for her to break up with me? What was the lesson I needed to get from this? What was the lesson Gina took away?
For me, I think the lesson was not to trust people. But at the same time, to trust them. So, I'm pretty confused about what I'm actually supposed to learn. I have a dozen of possible things that I could have learned, and discussing them all in detail is just going to send me down the rabbit hole of self-inquiry, although that seems like pretty much where I'm at right now.
I think there is a simple lesson someplace in all of this.
I had the girl of my dreams.. at least I thought I did. In my mind, prior to meeting Georgina, I had a different image of the woman I was looking for, and when she came along, she didn't quite fit that ideal I was wanting to realize. Until she left, and that is when I started feeling like maybe.. maybe I fucked myself. Maybe she was the perfect girl for me, and I was too stupid to throw my heart into the ring like she did.
That's the part that hurts most. The not knowing whether or not the woman of my dreams was her.
Did I get what I wished for? Was it her? And did I..
Did I..
I'm hesitating to write out the words, because I don't know what the right ones are.
Did I me.. heh. Very interesting.. I'm aware of a block, now. Something is preventing me from articulating this sentence. Did .. again..
Very strange.
Hmm.
Ordinarily when I write on my blog, its very easy to keep on writing. I don't have much of a problem with coming up with things to say. Words flow freely when I allow them to.
Except for that one sentence.. Did I fuck it up with Gina?
Whew.. managed to sneak that in there somehow.
Yes, I did.
But so did she.
Okay.. question answered. Now what?
Hmm.
Heh.. I'm aware of another block. Came as.. Hmmm.. Something is being elusive in my thoughts. It's like something doesn't want me to directly look at it, for fear of it vanishing. Or whatever the consequences may end up being, should I shine a light and bring it out into the open.
I'm kind of experimenting here. Using my own self-awareness to identify where the resistance/blockages are. Sounds weird, I know, but if I can't rationalize away my thoughts; then I can at least attempt to understand them on an intuitive level.
I had a brief compulsion before writing this post to simply go on OkCupid and reactivate my account.
The reason why I think it is important to mention this, is because a faith-based individual should continue through life without harboring fear. And I acknowledge that the reason why I'm not back on there, is because I feel fear.
So.. Therein lies the resistance.
And it's not rational.
Hmm. Interesting.
A lot of what fear actually is, is irrational when you think about it. It's disharmony. Distortion. Whether fear is justified or imagined; it doesn't make any difference if the effects it produces are the same. And the effects of fear can cripple the psyche. It can prompt an individual to act in a disharmonious fashion, where they are perpetuating and projecting fear onto the environment.
There are different types of fear. There's the flight or fight response, which is a natural one to have. And then there is the type of fear, such as walking around in the woods at night; that is not entirely natural or rational for someone to have. Even if it is rationalized that there might be a bear in the woods, or some kind of predator or danger that has yet to reveal itself; the rationalization does not become justified until the event actually happens.
In a faith based system, fear is an impediment. It restricts you. It makes you act unlike who you actually are, and should be.
So, this has me thinking about the walk I went on around the river valley about a few months ago when Gina's mom called me.
It was pitch black. All I had to go on, was the faint light of the moon and stars. At one point during my walk, I could see the silhouette of some creature on the side of the path. It was.. it resembled a large armadillo (which I have never seen in person) with a long tail. It might have been.. I don't know.. in any case, whatever this thing was, it was only six to ten feet away from where I was. And I saw it twice. While walking to and while walking back. In both instances, it scampered away into the bushes as I came near. Both times. And it was a fairly big size. Almost like a large dog.
Now, for this to happen to most people, I'm sure they would be scared of it. I honestly found it very strange to look at, but I didn't feel as much fear as I expected to. I kind of stopped, looked at this thing for a few seconds, and felt a tiny bit of "something" that is hard to describe, but I wasn't really afraid. More annoyed, or startled by it really.
So, with that said, fear of the dark and of strange creatures was somewhat irrational in my case. Because I wasn't hurt or attacked by whatever it was that I saw. For anyone else who would chance to walk around in the dark, they might have dreaded every step they took. Glancing this way and that, and nervously moving forward.
Not me, I was listening to music. I had a confident stride going. No fear at all.
And I.. think that is the way it has to be. But, I'm not advocating putting myself into a reckless position just because I'm not feeling fear, like most people. I'm only wondering, if maybe...
Hmm.
Maybe I just need to not be burdened by it as much.
Maybe I should have more faith.
I like to think of destiny, every once in a while and I have concluded that I've not realized my destiny in this life. I have some idea of what it *could* be, but I have no actual confirmation of what it is I'm supposed to be on this planet for. My novel isn't getting written, but my blog sure seems to be...
Hmm. It's rabbit-hole thinking anyways. I don't need to consider what my destiny is. But I do accept that I have not lived a life that has made much of a difference to anyone. Or to myself. And that I think, is important to acknowledge. Because if I am here for a reason, then it has to make itself known at some point in time. The fact that I haven't achieved anything of real merit, or have made much of a difference (I assume) in other people's lives; then that tells me I've yet to realize what my true purpose is.
And I keep my faith alive, knowing that I'm being guided towards whatever it is.
So, this entails surrender. This means letting go and accepting that I'm kind of on a ride, and that it's best I enjoy it while its happening, rather than to wonder about when and where it will end. That's not important. The journey is.
The journey, never the destination.
So.. Faith is a form of surrender. But surrender to what? What exactly *is* it that I'm surrendering to? God? What is God? How do I know for sure that my definition of God is applicable? How do I know I am crediting the right "force" out there that enables my life to realize its purpose. To assist me in finding happiness and fulfillment and realization of potential.
The thing is, I feel that I have a very good understanding of what it is that I'm dealing with. And in times like this, where I am at my lowest; faith matters more now, than before.
Always keep moving forward, right?
Somehow, I feel like that black knight in Monty Python & The Holy Grail. He gets both his arms chopped off and a leg; but he still has that fight in him. Enough to hop on one leg and headbutt his assailant. That's faith right there. Or determination, but I imagine both kind of overlap the other.
So.. faith.. determination.. patience.. eradication of fear..
It all makes sense.
I fear losing Georgina.
And that is the part that doesn't make sense.
I fear that I will never find anyone quite like her again.
And this part *does* make sense.
But.. whether or not this is true, I can only know once I'm at my deathbed. There's no point to worrying about this now. But at the same time, I can't keep.. waiting.. and wanting the lady of my dreams to arrive.
Whoever she might be.
I've waited long enough..
I've repaired myself more times than I can count.
I'm pretty darn exhausted.
And I don't want to keep making the same mistakes. I don't want to not be grateful for the kindnesses I've been shown. Higher power, or not.
I want more coincidences. More reasons for me to believe.
I want Georgina. Or a girl like her again.
For some reason, I'm .. hm.. There's that blockage again...
I'm going to try and listen to myself more carefully from now on.
Maybe that's the lesson I'm intended to learn.
Have faith in who I am, and what I have to offer.
And not get all pissed off when it doesn't go my way.
Being a bachelor isn't so bad, is it?
I love women, and I enjoy meeting new ones.
So, there's that.
Maybe..
Nah.. I've always wanted to settle down with the right girl.
Haven't I?
Yeah.. I still remember my teens. I still feel the same.
So.. grand design or not, I do have my place somewhere.
As a cautionary tale.
Or as an example of faith being a worthwhile quality to have.
I'm going to hope that the latter proves itself out.
But, I'm not quite ready to let go of her just yet.
I love that woman.
I do.
And I.. that package..
*sighs*
Just more bullshit. More fear.
If I never see her again, so be it. Right?
It's what a man of faith would feel.
It's what I should feel.
Everything will work out in the end.
Everything happens for a reason.
I'm not waving the white flag just yet.
Time to go to bed.
Tomorrow is a new day.
With new opportunities to put my wallet where my mouth is.
Because, if I don't have faith when it matters most.
Then I don't deserve to have faith at all.
Onwards.
