Is wretched. So bad, that halfway through, I turned to my buddy Justin and said,
"Dude, we're making history here tonight. This is officially the worst movie I've ever seen in my life!"
And I've seen a lot of bad movies in my time, but Dickshark is in a league of its own.
I could hardly watch this "movie" while watching it, so instead, I focused on the intentions and mindset of the director as opposed to what was actually happening on screen. How could anyone make such a piece of shit!? How was it possible?? Not only was it a piece of shit, but it was two hours and twenty-some minutes long! While it was playing, I took it upon myself to carefully scrutinize the box art and to google the director and tossed out random little facts and observations to keep us both entertained, otherwise Justin and I would've formed a suicide pact together, just because of how shitty of a world we live in where something like this could get made.
The budget for this thing was $6,000. It was made in New Jersey. The director.. (gulps) has over 30 films/skits to his credit.
Let's describe the "plot" for a moment. Dickshark is about some guy who has a.. uhm.. dick that looks like a monster, which is what you see in that picture above. It's a terrible, unconvincing prosthetic dildo that doesn't even move, or do much of anything throughout. The movie starts off with this guy trying to have sex with a trashy tatted-up prostitute in a hotel room, and at some point the dick gets removed and flushed down the toilet, in super-slow motion which felt like five minutes. Imagine a shot of a toilet bowl with a prosthetic dick (that looks like a shark) splashing into a bowl, slowly.. sooooo.. slowly...
And then, they flush down some penis enlargement cream, which causes the dick to mutate into larger forms until it eventually becomes an actual "shark". By "mutating" I mean basically, you get increasingly worse prosthetics/paper mache creatures that don't do anything, and have to be thrown at people or manipulated by hand in order to make it seem like it's "alive". This Dickshark then shows up wherever there is water, and tries to fuck random girls.
Sounds kind of funny, right? Well that is why Justin ordered it off of Amazon. We were both expecting a laughably bad b-movie to sit around and drink beers to. Nope. Didn't get that. Dickshark isn't a b-movie, it's a Z movie. It's something so bad, that it will literally shit upon your soul and leave a stain that can't be scrubbed off if you aren't careful about it.
I'm serious. I've seen Glen or Glenda. I've seen "The Time Machine I Found At A Yard Sale". I've seen "Killer Klowns From Outer Space" and "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes".
I've seen all sorts of wretched stuff, I've built up an immunity over the years that I thought I was equipped well-enough to deal with just about anything that gets thrown my way. I've seen, "Gods, Gambling & LSD" in the theatre with two friends, a movie about basically nothing. Just three hours worth of camcorder footage of some guy's vacation to India where nothing interesting happens or is filmed.
But Dickshark.. Man... Dickshark has no redeeming value whatsoever. Even less than Gods & Gambling did.
There are plenty of reasons as to why that is. First off, the dialogue is horrendous. It's nonsensical. It's circular, and repeats itself. It is the most boring form of exposition to hear once again, that there is a dick that looks like a shark and is preying upon nubile young ladies. In super-slow motion of which much of the movie is filmed. As if the director discovered the slow-motion setting on his camera for the first time and is gobsmacked by how "cool" it is.
It's an exploitation piece, sure. To see naked girls (and vaginas) along with bad dialogue, is about par for what a bad b-movie is, right? Wrong. This is exploitation taken to a very disturbing level. The director, Billy Zebub who is also the writer; stars in this thing. A sort of fat dude walking around wearing an Immolation tshirt. Of the five or six women in this movie, I swear, he gropes the boobs of just about every single one of them. Imagine if you will, a heavily tattooed woman on screen with the director's hands coming up from behind her, and squeezing her tits for more than ten minutes at a time. Almost EVERY woman in Dickshark appears to get this treatment. During this boobie interlude, the director goes into his explanation about this Dickshark creature that is "terrorizing" the area.
While cupping his hands and squeezing their boobs.
For over ten minutes a scene.
And, God... it was so soul-destroying. Because the intention of the director was obvious. He didn't care about making anything worthwhile, he just used the movie as an excuse to hire "models" so he could molest them, basically. On screen. For his personal amusement. And if the movie was going to make money, then so be it, but I doubt that was the original plan he had in mind.
My mind is spinning a bit in trying to figure out how to present all of what I was in witness of, but it comes down to a shitty human being making a shitty movie using shitty people under the pretense of "filmmaking". These weren't even hot, good-looking models (maybe with the exception of one, sort-of) that he used; but they were down-on-their-luck New Jersey girls who likely were into drugs, casual sex and had mental issues for agreeing to be in a movie like this.
A six thousand dollar budget likely meant that the director bullshitted his way through so that he wouldn't have to pay them a dime. Or not very much, anyways.
And he got to grope their tits. Mostly in hotel rooms, where much of it was filmed.
(sighs) .. Looking into this guy's filmography, he had a list of dumb titles made in the past. One of them is entitled, "Jesus is a Douchebag" which is basically what it says. A movie about Jesus being a douchebag.
What a piece of shit Bill Zebub is. As a writer. Director. General human being.
One of the things I was in awe of, was how in the hell was he able to get this movie made in the first place. And to have Dave Brockie of Gwar, to be in one of his films.
Justin knows Barry Gillis, who is an insulator that I haven't met that has filmed some wretched movies. "Things" is apparently a "cult" classic at the moment, and Gyngie and I watched "Killing Games" his latest -- shortly after it came out on iTunes, both of us hated it, despite her loving "Things". While watching Dickshark, I knew this was right up Barry's alley. That Bill Zebub would be a kind of kindred spirit/mentor for him.
Birds of feather, flocking together and all that jazz.
I'm actually annoyed that I can't write a better review of this film than I am right now, but it doesn't deserve to be carefully evaluated and reported upon. Justin and I couldn't enjoy it at all, despite the many slow-motion shots of vaginas it had in it, because it all felt so wrong. Think of what getting your mind raped would be like. That's Dickshark. And likely all of Bill Zebub's movies.
At the end of the film, there was an hour-plus long "blooper" reel where the director made "jokes" with one of the "actresses" in a hotel room. It was so obvious he had a hard-on for the girl in question, and the jokes and banter were.. so.. ugh. So.. juvenile. So lacking in wit and self-awareness. It was sad. It was like watching a five-year old boy trying to pick up what he thought was a hot 17-year old girl. And she wasn't even hot! She was like a biker chick. Totally abused and covered in ugly tattoos. There were plenty of slow motion shots of bare asses with zits and creases on them. Really unappealing. No makeup was applied (professionally) and no fucks were given.
Which reminds me, the funniest part of the film was when Justin pointed out a tattoo that one of the girls had. It was a portrait of two of the guys from Mythbusters. It was so random and weird that we laughed in disbelief and tried to guess at what in the hell prompted this girl to get something like that inked on her skin.
Everything in this movie was a huge fail. HUGE fail.
As a connoisseur of so-bad-it's-good bad films; I wouldn't recommend Dickshark to anyone. I can't imagine what kind of human being would actually enjoy watching it (excepting Barry, I suppose). Given that black/death metal music was playing throughout, and that there was a 15 minute thing of the director recommending his favourite metal songs at the end; I suspect this appeals to metalhead losers who do a lot of drugs, enjoy/fantasizes about casual sex, and hates religion/Christianity.
A shitty movie made by a shitty person for shitty people to watch.
That about sums it up. No hyperbole in any of this review. Honest.
I wish I could end this rant with a clever barb or zinger, but I can't even muster the energy to bother. Dickshark doesn't deserve that bit of thoughtfulness on my part.
Avoid at all costs. Go rent a porn if you want to see naked hot chicks. I suggest Edward Penishands, if you want bad dialogue and effects. Dickshark can only be enjoyed by people with severe mental and spiritual impairment.
Like Bill Zebub.
I almost feel sorry for him, but not really. He created this and if anything, this film is a reflection of who he is and where his sensibilities lie.
And they lie in dark dark places.
0/10
