Sitting in the tub right now, and I've been coming across a few insights in thinking about my last post.
Confidence is secondary to faith. If a man doesn't have faith in himself, what use would a higher power be to him?
Why would any woman who desires a man to be with; would want to be with someone who lacks faith in themselves? Someone who is insecure and indecisive as a result of not having any confidence?
Thoughts like these are making me realize that all the advice I've picked up, and all the experience I've had; it all means nothing, if I'm not feeling secure with any of the hundreds upon hundreds of narratives I have to choose from, to apply to my life.
A man needs to be consistent in his convictions. And if he has no convictions, then he becomes aimless and insecure.
He has to stick by a logical and consistent code of principles and values.
That's the key.
Men are usually expected to have convictions that they stick by. They need to honor the truth of their own hearts. No matter how flawed or ignorant they are.
That's interesting to me. It makes sense. As far as explaining why women stick with abusive men. I'm well aware of the conventional explanations for why many victims of abuse continue to hang around, but I'm proposing a deeper way of looking at the issue. Start with the man. I'm certain that no matter how vile and twisted a man can be, as long as he keeps a consistent narrative to secure himself with; whether it's true or false, or righteous or abhorrent; he will inevitably attract a woman willing to stand by him.
Very interesting indeed. I wish I could find data to support this theory of mine. All I have is anecdotal evidence. And some other things, like the success of most pick-up artists.
The PUA definitely needs to be examined in light of my observations. These are men who operate off of a script. They're usually insecure to begin with; but by pretending to be confident, by pretending to be someone that they are not; they find security within the methods they use to get women. And positive results feed into them actually developing confidence, despite how broken or undesirable they actually are.
All is forgiven, when a man is confident and secure in himself. Another bit of anecdotal evidence to throw onto the pile, is that my stepdad has never once apologized for being wrong. Well, maybe once or twice; but in the 20 some years I've known him, he would rarely concede to being wrong.
He kept the facade going. He refused to admit imperfection or flaws in his thinking and actions.
Now, I'm not like that. I readily admit to being wrong when I actually am, and I do hold my convictions if I'm in a passionate argument; but not always. I don't enjoy expressing anger, or feel the need to be in a confrontation, so I find the easiest path is to not escalate the situation. It's easier for me to walk away, or steer the conversation onto something else. Or worse yet, not say anything at all, and allowing the issue to fester and boil over before I feel like something has to be done about it.
Hmph. I feel inarticulate right now. I'm not explaining this succinctly enough.
I guess I am a coward. I should be more confrontational and stick up for what I believe in. But I also understand the ignorance of others, and how pointless it would be to argue, if they are unwilling to listen and be reasonable and respectful.
Should I be fighting fire with fire? Hmm. No, I refuse to stoop to that level. I should be pouring water over the fire, but whenever I backed down, like I did while on the phone with Gina; I only poured drops. Not buckets. And I walked away, feeling intimidated by the effort involved.
I'm splitting hairs with all this thinking/talk. I shouldn't have to dig this deep to figure it all out, but I do. I have to.
And this is what I already know. This is not a new insight, but one I've known for years. Had I not been so doubtful and insecure, had I been confident, even arrogantly so, then I would surely not be writing this post. And I would surely be with the woman I love.
I get it now.
I'm taking these steps forward.
Good thing no one else is reading this.
:P
Pretty embarrassing.
I've got to stay consistent, and I have to walk the talk.
And then be willing to defend what I believe in. Refusing to concede defeat should it ever present itself.
That about sums it up.
Got to keep moving forward.
With my head held high.
Trouble is, it's hard for me to be logically consistent with my beliefs. Not because I don't abide by any core values and principles; but because I'm hard of hearing. I sometimes can't hear what someone says, and I would rather give a fake improvised response, then to give a genuine one.
Because I hate to ask someone to repeat what they have said. I hate the further embarrassment of receiving a second repetition and still not hearing exactly what they said.
I have too much pride, or too much fear; than to ask them to repeat themselves a third time.
Otherwise the severity and shame of my deafness would be known.
And I'll have to give an answer to that.
Hmm. Looks like I'm getting deeper into the real issues with myself.
Pride or fear. Or is it both?
What am I really dealing with here?
I've always been ashamed of having to wear hearing aids as a child. I grew up resenting idea of having them on my ears.
Everyone would see it. Everyone would know that I am different, and I'm meant to be treated in a different way.
But, that's not what I want. I don't want people to treat me like someone who is not equal. Or inferior.
Because I'm not. I have pride in myself. I love who I am, when I am at my finest.
I wouldn't change a thing, other than to be less insecure and unsure of myself.
But, my hearing issues always make me feel insecure. Whether they're on my ears or not. I'm screwed either way.
And that's where fear comes in. It tells me how frightening of a change it can be, to suddenly hear like a normal person would.
To finally hear birds chirping. Crickets. Leaves rustling. Meows. Having a conversation a fair distance away from another person. To talk to them up the stairs, or to hear them call your name from another room.
Those things are important. In such a subtle and meaningful way. It's like experiencing good poetry, for the first time.
I don't know if I can handle that. I don't know if I can afford it even. A good pair of aids would cost me thousands of dollars that I don't have.
So, what can I do but be forced to go on without them? To try and make the most of my situation. Faking my way through several interactions where I may have missed hearing something I normally would comment on, but instead had to nod my head in silence and pretending like it was all I had to offer.
I can offer much more.
But, I'm so into my head sometimes. I really think too much and too deeply about different subjects and ambitions and ways to improve the world, and how to make my online profiles even better than they are (which isn't saying much).
So, when I fake like I have normal hearing; I'm subliminally giving myself permission to lie and be evasive. And sometimes faintly wounding another person's pride, especially if they have no clue as to my hearing issues.
That's always been tough. Having to fake it. So much improvisation and paying attention to body language and tone and I'm still not completely an expert on that. I still can't pull off a perfect fakery.
I'm also not willing to pull it off.
But I have to. It's the direction I'm being pushed in right now.
So, that's why I have trouble being logically consistent. I can't be consistent. Not when my actions and words sometimes contradict one another.
Such a dilemma to be in. In order to afford hearing aids, I'll have to work. And the more I work, the sadder I get.
No matter how nice everyone else is, and no matter how easy the work can be.
I still get sad having to do it. It's not my purpose in life. Never was an ambition or passion of mine.
I've had to live a lie for most of my adult life. A lie that I can't quite stop myself from repeating.
The lie that I will never find a job that I could enjoy doing. Or that I'm not good at doing anything else, but insulating.
The lie that I can never realize my dream in writing a successful novel, because I'm not very good at writing to begin with.
I am good. I do produce stretches of brilliance, but I produce crap too, and it's hard to feel proud of my low persistence in getting a book down.
I'm just dogged by other things. Like finding myself a woman worth spending the rest of my life with.
Too much going on with me. Too many complications and aspirations that it's exhausting having to deal with them. In addition to what troubles my lack of hearing sometimes brings me.
But I have to make the most of it. I have to keep living a lie until I figure out a way not to.
That's faith, now.
And along with confidence, it's in short supply at the moment.
I'm expected to rise up like a zombie, and find strength in myself to keep carrying on.
Like I've been doing for what feels like a hundred times already.
It's tough, man. I'm pretty tough too, I suppose. Still here. Still standing.
Still throwing my hat into the ring, once I get back inside to retrieve it. Always picking up the pieces and gluing myself back together. A little more frail sometimes and a little more stronger in other times too.
It's such a rollercoaster. Kind of thrilling sometimes, but always scary. Never really stopping for long enough, before the ride starts up again.
That's my life. And I can only continue doing the best I can with it. Knowing that I'm lacking strength and wisdom despite the many times I've pleaded with God for them.
It all comes down to me. All strength and power is already inside. Just waiting to be set loose. This huge reservoir wanting to gush forth.
And all I need now, is further courage, further faith; in order for me to escape this misery.
But though the well sometimes seem to be dry; it never really is. There is always water at the bottom when I dig for it. Even if it takes me a while to get to it. Like, years.
It's been a journey, for sure. But how long must it go on for? When will I cross that finish line and realize the purpose of my destiny and to find happiness by living in appreciation of it?
When will I know what my purpose will be? When will the girl of my dreams arrive?
Or had she already arrived?
Or is she soon to appear?
Just so much uncertainty, and I've suffered so long.
But I continued carrying faith. I continued believing, through all of the good and bad that has happened.
I just.. Kept believing.
And maybe that's what saving me right now. I believe I will be rewarded somehow if I continue to keep believing. Through all these hardships.
But I never got to believing in myself as much. I couldn't quite find comfort in accepting how slow my growth has been. Financially. Spiritually. Maturity wise.
I felt guilt in not being able to finish my novel by now. I feel bad for not being able to commit to it. This best option I have, to try and repair my life with.
But, my writing isn't as good as I've seen in other books. I'm not some kind of prodigy like Stephen King. I love waiting for inspiration to strike, and to carry it away in my embrace as I passionately make love to it by writing something I'm deeply proud of.
Oh well. I've zipped off this tangent long enough. I'm tired. Got out of the tub long ago and now laying in bed. Wearing her classically trained Nintendo shirt.
Time to relax.
And repair myself.
Miles Davis should do it.
