Is a floor, ladies and gentlemen. Specifically, a carpeted floor that I've taken a bad photo of.
Reason being, is because I can still see the coffee stains from when Carolyn knocked over my cup one evening, looking up at me with a horrified face.
I shrugged it off. Never really cleaned it properly, and I only just noticed it tonight as I tossed and turned listening to music and enjoying the laser show.
One of the greatest pleasures in life, is having a good breakfast. It's even better if it's at A&W and you're the youngest person in there, and everyone else is over 65. Feels good, man. I'm about ready for to bring in a cane and to grow out my ear hairs so I can join these old guys at the table and complain about the state of the world while sipping away on a delicious cup of Van Houtte coffee. I've only got around 20 more years to go before I'll be able to do that with them. Let's hope I make it that far.
Tinder is about the most exciting thing going on with me right now, and that's not saying much. So far it's been ten days since I've gotten laid off; and I can't say I'm proud about anything I've accomplished since then. I just haven't done very much. Want to know the depressing highlight of my evening? It was when I re-arranged the Philips Hue lightstrip behind my bed, so that it looks better than it did before.
That's it. Pretty sad, really.
Posting on my blog regularly, but I'm not finding the desire to work on my novel for some reason. I still have it left off in the middle of a chapter from the last time I tried writing it, only to have to go to work. I hate it when life gets in the way of my creative impulses, and it bothers me just as much to not get any creative ideas or inspirations when I'm off work and free from stress.
That's not entirely accurate though. I may be unemployed, but there are still stresses. The stress of uncertainty, for one. The stress of wanting to work on my story, but not feeling wound up enough to do it. Sure, I did pick at what I last wrote and made some minor improvements/corrections; but it's nothing what I would call "productive". Hardly even half of a baby step taken towards my goal of getting it done.
So, yeah. Tinder is the most exciting thing going on right now. I can't believe how many women are on there. I also can't believe how many undesirable women are on there. Lots of duck lips, cleavage shots and girls that have that net-speak thing going where they use a lot of emoji and LOLs instead of showing depth or character. It kind of sucks, really. Lots of entitled chicks, who probably have gotten laid more times this year than I have in my entire life, so they're quite okay with having blank profiles and being extremely selective with the men they talk to.
But despite all that, there's been a few interesting women that I've struck a conversation with. Unfortunately, those interesting girls seem to expect me to do all the heavy lifting and I find myself growing tired of having to make the conversation into an interrogation by asking them questions, rather than getting into a meaningful exchange of opinions/ideas/sentiments/etc. It's like a big paragraph of mine gets met with an LOL and I have to scratch my head and wonder what question to ask next. Sometimes I don't even bother, and just fire off some sort of statement that I know the girl won't respond towards because she has no real opinion to offer.
I hate to sound cynical, but this is real life. These are real people supposedly looking for a relationship.
Looking back, I remember how Carolyn and I messaged each other. She was so emotionally generous and forthcoming that conversation was a breeze between the two of us. I wrote big paragraphs and asked questions; she wrote big paragraphs and answered questions while asking me some. It was perfect. I really wish there were more people like her out there.
But, there doesn't seem to be. Her kind of personality is a bona fide rarity about as elusive as seeing a Yeti in the frozen food aisle at Sobeys. One in a million.
Again, nothing I can do about her. And although thoughts of her has faded in the past while, last night she crept back into my mind again. I had a couple of "oh God" moments; where I couldn't believe I'm no longer with her, but I had to remind myself that I'm not. I really can't text her like I used to. Like I want to. I still look at the clock and imagine that she finished putting the kids to bed, and is laying in bed herself. Watching a movie or something.
I really wonder if she's doing okay. She probably is, but a part of me doesn't want to imagine her in any distress that I may have inadvertently caused her. Another part of me is saying that she likely doesn't care about me at all anymore, and doesn't think of me, so why should I bother entertaining any thoughts of her?
I don't know man. Maybe its because I've met so many different women, that I know a treasure when I see one, and she doesn't. She might not actually know how one-of-a-kind I actually am. And I mean that in a good way, of course. Deep down I like who I am, but.. it can be tough bringing out the best parts of myself sometimes. I wish she could've been more patient and understanding.
Well.. I couldn't sleep last night, so I went for breakfast, read the paper, and came back home to swipe around in Tinder and reply to a message. Now I'm on the laptop typing all this up, not knowing if I should try going back to sleep, or stay up the rest of the day and hope to reset my sleep cycle back to some semblance of normalcy.
One thing I noticed about getting up early, is that I feel more energetic when the sun is rising. There's a correlation between dawn and my moods, that I should try and sync myself with. I've long thought myself to be a night owl, but maybe forcing myself up at 6am would be better overall for my well-being. I don't know. I'm still stuck in night-shift mode and feeling apathetic. Haven't done much cleaning either. Just binging on Netflix, surfing the net and reading one of the four books I have laying around.
I'm really interested in checking out Hacksaw Ridge this weekend. The latest from Mel Gibson. I loved Braveheart and Apocalypto and although I hated the Passion of the Christ (Jesus Christ Death Porn), I could still appreciate the detail and spirit Mel put into that film. And from what I've been hearing about Hacksaw Ridge; I'm expecting that magic touch of his to touch me in all of the right places. He's a prime example of the Steve Jobs effect. This supposedly deranged/racist guy who allegedly abused his wife; is a guy capable of making great movies. Just like Jobs and the iPhone. Mel is a man of vision, and regardless of his character, I'll always be appreciative of his eye for detail and obvious passion for filmmaking. Much respect for him and I'll always look forward to whatever he comes out with.
Anyways.. Anyways, anyways.
Let's hope she shows up soon.
Whoever she is.
I've been waiting long enough.
And I'm tired.
